As a public service to unsuspecting members of the public, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences and the Department of Homeland Security have jointly issued the following color-coded TomKat Security Advisory System:
All clear. Neither Tom Cruise nor Katie Holmes is in North America and their last movie releases have gone to video. Feel free to channel surf without fear of unexpected TomKat attacks.
Caution. Either Tom or Katie is currently in the continental United States. Be prepared for a surprise, love-professing appearance on any or all network morning shows or an unexpected public lecture on love, faith and psychology.
Elevated risk. Both Mr. Cruise and Ms. Holmes have been spotted in the U. S. although not together. Chance of radio, television or newspaper encounter is significant. Taylor-Burton Public Shame Index is between 4.0 and 6.0 or moderate.
High alert. Cruise and Holmes have been seen together in either New York City or Los Angeles. Incidents of proclamations of enduring love on the increase. Irate pronouncements on pseudo-psychological disorders peak. Taylor-Burton PSI exceeds 6.0. Avoid all talk shows until Security Advisory System alarm tone stops sounding.
Severe crisis. TomKat spotted everywhere. Multiple TV appearances, sequential movie premieres and widespread front page coverage in print media. Love craziness and religious conversions reign supreme. Taylor-Burton PSI off the chart and strong possibility of impending, extremely tacky celebrity wedding. Stay inside, duct tape all electronic appliances and wait for all-clear signal.
Doomsday warning. Top three grossing movies star one or both of Cruise and Holmes. "Mission Impossible IV" and "Mission Impossible V" slated for simultaneous release. Silent birthing produces one or more babies with buggy-like name (Buckboard? Carriage? Surrey?). Even Liz Taylor says this is too much. Duck, cover and prepare to be carried away by a Thetan Seven or possibly even a Thetan Eight.