Friday, April 17, 2015

Mrs. Duffy's Diary


It looks like Mike Duffy is not the only diarist in the family if the following entries from his wife Heather’s journal can be believed:
October 10, 2008
     Mikey came home very upset today. In fact, I can still hear him downstairs kicking the furniture and yelling at the dog. It’s really unfair what the media is saying about him. Just because he rebroadcast the “false starts” interview with St├ęphane Dion and called Elizabeth May’s views “bizarre” and “off the wall”, they’re saying that he’s biased towards the Conservatives in the upcoming election.
     That’s just not right. Everybody knows that Mikey favors any party that can help him attain his lifelong dream of a Senate appointment. In the past, he might just as easily have favored the Liberals if they were in the lead. But that goofy Dion guy has about as much chance as a live lobster at a Cavendish church social so why should Mikey help him?
October 15, 2008
     What a great day! The Conservatives won the election last night and Mikey is on cloud nine which just happens to look a lot like him. They still can only form a minority government but Mikey says that’s good since they’ll need even more help to get a majority next time and that might mean a Senate seat for him.
December 22, 2008
     If there’s a big, fat, puffy cloud numbered ten, we’re on it today! Mikey has just been appointed a senator. He’s downstairs right now practicing his acceptance speech in front of our extra-wide full-length mirror. Mikey’s too much of a gentleman to say anything but I know he’d like to give a big fat raspberry to all his former colleagues who made fun of him as “Senator Mike”, “the Puffster” or “the Charlottetown Doughboy.” Who’s laughing now, media clowns?
June 30, 2009
     It’s been a great summer what with so many all-expenses-paid trips around the country talking to the Tory faithful. We even managed to fit in a quick visit to our “principal” residence in Cavendish, P.E.I. (“nudge, nudge, wink, wink” as Mikey always says). It sure is swell how all this can be charged to Mikey’s Senate expense account since it’s all about helping Canadians, albeit those Canadians who are Conservative.
December 6, 2012
     Mikey’s downstairs yelling at the furniture and kicking the dog. The Senate is investigating his housing and expense claims and saying that they were improper. What a bunch of hypocrites! It’s not as if half of them aren’t doing the very same thing.
     From day one, Mikey has been upfront and aboveboard about all this. He’s an Islander through and through and always has been. Heck, our house here in Ottawa has more lobster traps, Anne mementos and potato cookers than anyplace I know west of Summerside. If we don’t qualify as P.E.I.’ers, I don’t know who does.
February 13, 2013
     It looks like this whole misunderstanding is finally going to get sorted out. That nice Nigel Wright from the prime minister’s office cut Mikey a cheque for $90,172 to pay for his outstanding Senate expenses.
     I expressed concern that the media might get suspicious but Mikey said not to worry. From his experience, those media types aren’t too good with numbers and will likely round the amount down to an even $90,000 and won’t make the connection with his debt of $90,172. As Mikey says, $90,000 could be for anything like a new home in P.E.I. or for services rendered for all those Conservative fundraising dinners he attended on the rubber chicken circuit.
June 5, 2013
     Well the seaweed has hit the shore as they say in P.E.I. Mikey’s downstairs helping the dog kick the cat and muttering about some “double-crossing s.o.b.” He had to resign from the Conservative caucus and poor Nigel had to resign, too. What’s really frying Mikey’s taters though is that the prime minister is washing his hands of the whole thing. He says Harper won’t even reply to his texts anymore.
April 7, 2015

     You’d think that this would be a sad day what with the trial starting and all but I haven’t seen Mikey happier in months. He joked that he’s finally going to get his “year in court” and that if he goes down, he’s going to take the whole ship of fools down with him.