Friday, March 31, 2017

White House Family Counseling

     First, I’d like to congratulate both parties for agreeing to engage in family counseling. It’s not every couple that recognizes the problems in their union and is willing to take a chance that mediation can save and even strengthen their relationship.
     Thanks to the Mainstream Media for being here. May I call you MSM for short? I know there have been a lot of hurtful slights thrown at you recently so it’s encouraging to see that you have gotten past the name-calling and are willing to look for a solution.
    President Trump, you in particular should be commended for your willingness to set aside at least part of your ego and come to the table. I have to admit that, at first, I was a bit uncomfortable with the preconditions you set for this negotiation but it looks like they have been met.
     Both parties have agreed that there will be no more references to the Electoral College result or the popular vote. You have worked hard on the specific phrasing of the most important requirement and the negotiated wording is as follows: “Everyone agrees that President Trump’s win in November was the most surprising presidential victory in history.” 
     President Trump, may I call you Donald? No? OK, that’s fine. We’ll stick with President Trump or Mr. Trump. No? Alright, President Trump or Mister President it is.
     MSM, I understand that you feel under attack by President Trump because he repeatedly labels you the enemy of the American people. That does seem like fairly harsh wording. Mister President, do you have anything to say about that?
     Well, right there I think you’ve already violated the first item we agreed on, namely references to your historic Electoral College victory and your massive popular vote win if consideration is given to the millions of fraudulent votes.
     Look, I think what I’m hearing here is that the parties’ feelings have been hurt and it’s time to maybe offer an apology or two and get on with the business of governing the country and covering the news. Am I right?
     Thank you, MSM, for acknowledging that and apologizing for maybe overdoing it on the scare tactics. I know how difficult it can be to deal with a partner who has a completely different personality type or disorder and it’s big of you to take the first step in the healing process.
     Now, Mister President, could you perhaps reciprocate and give MSM an “I’m sorry” for some of your over-the-top name-calling? No? OK, if you say so but, in my years of experience as a family counselor, I’ve seldom, if ever, encountered a party who is never ever wrong.
     Here, let’s try a little role reversal and see if that helps. Mr. President, I want you to pretend you’re MSM. How does it make you feel when President Trump accuses you of persistent lying and of being the fake news?
     Hash tag sad? I’m not sure I understand. If you were MSM, you would admit that you are nothing but lying scum and pusillanimous prevaricators? You would feel ashamed for questioning the president and would sooner go out of business than jeopardize the country’s security?
     MSM, I’d appreciate it if you could come back and sit down. I’ve got another suggestion. Let’s just try listing those things we value in our partner and would miss if this relationship should ultimately fail. MSM, you go first.
     The First Amendment, freedom of speech, an independent press, a healthy democracy, checks and balances, representative government. Very good. Now, Mister President, your turn. Sure, take your time. Nothing? Really? Absolutely nothing?
     OK, you have identified one thing. What is it? You’d miss having MSM to kick around and you’d have to come up with a new enemy? I appreciate your candor but that’s not really what I was looking for.
     Look, our time is up for today but if both sides are willing, we can always schedule another session and see where it goes from there. How about Thursday, January 21st, 2021? Are you both available then?