Saturday, May 28, 2011

Daria Does Doha

It has been widely reported that the Navy SEALS who killed Osama bin Laden were able to recover a huge cache of files including an extensive collection of pornography. Now seldom reliable sources have revealed the specific contents of that collection including:

* An X-rated video entitled "Extra Hummus Please" featuring a shawarma delivery man being tempted by a harem of 72 virgins.
* An erotic flip book with pictures of a veiled female. As the user flips the pages, the veil alternately disappears and reappears.
* A copy of the August 2006 issue of "Playmartyr." The centerfold features 19-year-old, burka-clad Amber with all four wrists and ankles exposed. Amber attends Abbottabad Community College and says her turn-ons include kittens, clouds and buff, self-immolating jihadis. Bin Laden reportedly said that he only bought the magazine to burn the articles.
* Two VHS copies of the classic middle eastern porno "Daria Does Doha" in which a fully-clad cheerleader serves figs and tea to the entire Qatar football team.
* Several copies of a monthly magazine called "Babes With Big Burqas."
* A steamy Arabic romance novel entitled "God Willing", part of a series of monogamous sex fantasies about Arab men being married to only one wife.
* An al Qaeda snuff film entitled "Top Ten Suicide Bombings of the 21st Century."
* A number of apparently fetishistic items including a leather hijab, a nylon abaya and a George W. Bush pin cushion doll.
* A hard-core pornographic film allegedly containing group sex called "We’re All Going To Hell" that has no lighting or sound.
* A series of soft-core videos entitled "Secretaries of State Gone Wild" featuring Hillary Clinton, Condaleeza Rice and Madeleine Albright look-a-likes in some semi-steamy, girl-on-girl diplomatic action. Each video shows the "secretaries" negotiating, compromising and frequently changing positions.

Friday, May 20, 2011

Joe Biden - SIC

"There was also a diary in which he [Osama bin Laden] jotted his musings on how to kill U. S. President Barack Obama, but not Joe Biden, the vice president, who, he wrote, was not worth the effort."
- The Ottawa Citizen - May 15, 2011

TO: Vice President Joe Biden
FROM: Vice Presidential Chief of Staff
RE: Increased visibility for the office of Vice President

As requested, we have investigated your surprisingly low profile in the eyes of our terrorist enemies and have considered various steps for rectifying the situation. As you said, it was disappointing to hear that you were "not worth the effort." If it is any consolation, everyone here at the White House considers that you are definitely worth killing.

The question then becomes: "How can we raise your public profile in order to attract the kind of attention that would make you assassination-worthy?" We have brainstormed this issue and here are our initial recommendations:
* It would definitely help, sir, if you had a cool acronym for your title like POTUS for the President of the United States. Consideration was given to VPOTUS and VEEP#1 but most of us felt you should go with SIC for "second in command."

* Perhaps it’s time to toughen up your image. Have you considered carrying a gun? We’re not suggesting anything ostentatious or showy. Rather, we think a tastefully conservative handgun would probably serve your purposes. Perhaps a Colt single action .45 "Peacemaker" like General George S. Patton wore in World War II except without the ivory handle.

* Few Americans are aware of your frequent use of passenger trains to travel back and forth from Washington to your home in Wilmington, Delaware. Given that bin Laden specifically targeted our country’s passenger rail system for terrorist attacks, it’s only fitting that more coverage be given to your courageous rail riding. Perhaps a press release with the heading "He may be the nation’s number two but on America’s rails, he’s number one."

* We know that we won’t be getting any more hurtful diary entries from bin Laden but to ensure that none of his top lieutenants do likewise, we suggest an open letter to al Qaeda detailing the pertinent Constitutional provisions regarding presidential succession. If they nail Obama, then you’re the President and presumably automatically their new number one target. Based on that fact alone, you should be getting a whole lot more respect.

* Although not everyone was in agreement with this final suggestion, some around the table felt it was the quickest, most effective route to attaining a higher status on the terrorist hit list. According to some, all you need do is tell an insensitive joke about Muslims, blame Islam for the problems of the Middle East or draw a cartoon or two making fun of the prophet Mohammed. Personally, I do not support this recommendation but I would add that if you do decide to follow it, I would suggest you give serious consideration to the handgun proposal as well.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Derail America

WASHINGTON (AFP) –– Intelligence seized from Osama bin Laden's compound in Pakistan showed his Al-Qaeda network pondered strikes on US trains on the 10th anniversary of the September 11 attacks, US officials said Thursday.

Although the particulars of terrorist plans to disrupt American rail service have been classified as top secret, some details have been leaked as evidenced by these recently revealed excerpts:

Derail America
With our brethren stationed at switching yards throughout America, we hoped to be able to derail several Amtrak trains on September 11th. It was expected that this would cause great disruption, injuries and loss of commerce to our enemy.
On further examination, however, it was decided to terminate this operation. Apparently the derailment of several Amtrak trains on any given day would not be unusual or give much cause for concern.

Stop Amtrak
By using various means such as cutting electrical lines and draining diesel fuel, it was hoped that we could freeze Amtrak service at several major cities on September 11th. With no passenger trains leaving from those centers, it was expected that American commerce would have been brought to a halt.
Although our agents could have carried out this plan, even if it were completely successful, it would not have had any significant effect on the American transportation system as such an occurrence is apparently a regular event.

Train Highjackings
Four teams of sleeper agents have been studying at private schools in America to operate high-speed locomotives. On September 11th, we had planned to have each team board a passenger train in a different major American city.
The idea was that each team would overpower the crew of the train and take over the controls of the engine. The train would then change course and be driven directly into a major structure causing great disruption and loss of life.
Unfortunately, our American sources have now informed us that it is highly unlikely that our agents would have been able to turn the trains around and change their direction of travel. It would have been useful to have this information at the outset of planning.

Operation On Time
After much deliberation, we have settled on this final plan which we have been assured will maximize damage to the Great Satan.
It is well known that the infidels’ national passenger rail service called Amtrak is notorious for its poor service. American rail travelers have come to rely on the predictable lateness of those trains, particularly within the Boston to Washington corridor.
We have infiltrated the Amtrak network and installed sleeper agents in ticket offices and trains all along the Eastern seaboard. On September 11th, we will give the signal and our agents will take steps to ensure that train service on that day is on time and efficient.
It is expected that tens of thousands of Americans will be totally confused by this unexpected on-time service. They will therefore miss their connections, not make meetings and generally disrupt the business of the nation for that day and possibly for days to come. In the name of Allah, we pray for success.