Friday, November 30, 2012
District of Columbia Mayor Vincent Gray was delighted to announce that his city is home to the newest Washington attraction.
“Given that we’ve got all those monuments and the Smithsonian,” said Gray. “It’s a thrill to see so many people lining up to look over the Fiscal Cliff.”
Most Washington-bound tourists now put the Cliff number one on their list of must-see sites. Americans are flocking in record numbers to peer over its edge to catch a glimpse of the financial abyss below.
Although President Obama is committed to removing the Fiscal Cliff, he has expressed mixed feelings about that goal.
“Sure, I want to rescue the country from the financial peril that the Cliff represents,” said Obama. “But I have to admit that it’s a pretty spectacular site and a great revenue generator, too.”
While millions of Americans marvel at the Fiscal Cliff, citizens of the City of Niagara Falls are keeping their fingers crossed that it will disappear before year’s end. If not, Mayor Paul Dyster expressed the hope that Washington will move the Cliff to his city.
“It may be disastrous for the country,” said Dyster. “But it’ll be a big win for Niagara Falls.”
Thursday, November 22, 2012
Sources close to the Republican presidential nominee say that his defeat in this year’s election revealed the previously unsuspected ailment. Doctor Phillip Morris of Mass General’s crack psychiatric unit assessed Mr. Romney and made the initial diagnosis.
“I think it’s pretty clear that the patient is suffering from political addiction,” said Dr. Morris. “The fact that the election has ended and yet he continues to deliver his stump speech and give vague and ambiguous answers to the simplest of questions was a dead giveaway.”
Dr. Morris noted that it is not normal for an individual to run unsuccessfully for president for five continuous years.
“Let’s face it,” said Morris. “Candidates for president are not what you would call normal to begin with but most of them know when to stop. Mr. Romney seems to lack that particular ability.”
Beginning in 2007 when he started his unsuccessful campaign for the 2008 Republican nomination, Mr. Romney has done nothing but run for president. His 2008 campaign seamlessly morphed into his 2012 campaign.
“When I interviewed Mr. Romney,” said Dr. Morris. “It was clear that he could not stop running for president. He’s not what we call in the business “completely nuts” since he knows the U. S. presidency is now out of reach for him. But I am concerned that he still insists on running for president of something.”
The doctor’s observation seems to have been confirmed by a recent Romney press release announcing his candidacy for the presidency of Honduras in their upcoming 2013 elections. Citing his father’s birth in Mexico, his support of self-deportation for illegal Hispanic immigrants and his expertise in outsourcing American jobs to lesser developed countries, Romney has touted himself as the perfect choice to lead that country or, for that matter, any country.
In the event of a Honduran defeat and an unsuccessful medication regimen, Mr. Romney is apparently considering a run for president of Afghanistan or Slovakia in 2014 and, if necessary, his local chamber of commerce in 2015.
Saturday, November 17, 2012
“Yes, I lost the election,” said Romney. “But there are reasons why I lost, many of them relating to the gifts Obama gave to blacks, Hispanics and young people to win their votes. But I’m no crybaby.”
President Obama offered to meet with his defeated rival to discuss some of Romney’s ideas to help the country. However, Mr. Romney has refused that offer.
“Why should I meet with that guy,” said the former governor. “He’s never been nice to me and I’m the one who should have won the election. If anybody’s a crybaby, it’s him.”
It is traditional for defeated presidential candidates to retire from the limelight and assume a low profile. Mr. Romney, on the other hand, apparently does not want to leave the national stage.
“I should have won,” said Romney. “Even Karl Rove says so and Karl’s always right. I know I conceded on election night but that was a mistake. I won fair and square and I want what’s mine.”
Governor Romney has reportedly been collaring anyone he can on the street and complaining about the election outcome and the unfair result.
“The White House should be mine,” says Governor Romney. “And I intend to do whatever it takes to get it whether that means launching a legal challenge or holding my breath until I turn blue. Would a crybaby do that? I don’t think so.”
Mr. Romney has also issued a press release stating that he is also not a sore loser, a whiner or a liar, liar, pants on fire.
Tuesday, November 06, 2012
Both the Obama and Romney camps had hoped that early voting would give them an edge. Much to everyone’s surprise, however, exit polls show that the early leader in pre-election balloting is the empty chair from the Republican Convention.
“No one saw this coming at all,” said Bob Bingham, head of the political science department at Iowa Agricultural & Technical College. “Campaign experts figured this option would favor President Obama but, boy, were we wrong!”
Some observers expected that the empty chair would experience a measurable bump in the polls after his joint appearance with Hollywood megastar Clint Eastwood. But few figured that bump could be sustained and result in millions of early write-in votes.
For example, early voters in Iowa have broken the record from 2008 as more than half a million ballots have already been cast prior to election day, the majority of them naming the empty chair for president.
“I was overwhelmed with all the negative TV ads from the Obama and Romney campaigns,” said first time Des Moines voter Dunk Anne Fyfe. “It was refreshing to see a candidate who didn’t diss all the others.”
“When I considered the three options,” said Ames, Iowa resident Chip N. Dale. “The empty chair had it all over the other two guys.”
Other early voters echoed this same refrain, citing the empty chair’s strong, silent approach; his complete absence of guile and his consistent sitting position.
Given this surprising development, media outlets from across the country have tried to get in touch with the empty chair. Although reported to be staying at the Furniture Barn in Tampa, Florida, Mr. Chair was unfortunately not available for comment.