Saturday, September 17, 2011

The Dominion of Canada

It’s official. Stephen Harper is a staunch and unapologetic monarchist.
Last month his government brought back the Royal Canadian Air Force and the Royal Canadian Navy as the official names for the sea and air branches of our military. Then he ordered that the Queen’s portrait hang in every Canadian embassy around the world.
But according to government insiders, that’s not the end of it. The Prime Minister apparently has even more Queen-friendly proposals in the works. Seldom reliable sources have revealed the following future pro-monarchist steps:
* Canada’s maple leaf flag will be replaced by the old red ensign.
* Our country will henceforth be referred to as the Dominion of Canada, the Kingdom of Canada or the Queendom of Canada.
* “God Save the Queen” to replace “O Canada” as our national anthem.
* The national capital will be moved from Ottawa to Kingston, the original capital of the united Canadas back in 1841.
* The Queen’s English will be declared our sole official language.
* Canadians will be urged to call trucks “lorries”, umbrellas “bumbershoots”, car trunks “boots” and to pronounce aluminum as “aluminium.”
* Charles will be invited to move here and become King of Canada.
* Quebec will be asked to reconfirm its defeat on the Plains of Abraham and formally surrender to the Queen.
* Dairy Queen will be designated Canada’s official soft ice cream restaurant and Burger King will be our official national hamburger chain.
* A knighthood will be posthumously awarded to a famous former Toronto Maple Leafs defenceman so that Canada’s official donut shop can henceforth be known as Sir Tim Horton’s.
* The Senate will be changed to the House of Canadian Lords. We will now refer to Hugh Segal as Lord Tubby of Kingston and Mike Duffy will be known as Lord Puffster of Charlottetown.