Sunday, September 30, 2018

"Standup Monthly" Interview

     Standup Monthly magazine recently had a chance to interview the latest rising star in the field of standup comedy: D. J. Trump.
Standup Monthly: D. J., it’s an honor to interview you especially after your recent smash performance at the General Assembly Room of the United Nations Club on East 42nd Street in New York City.
D.J. Trump: Thank you. That was a great performance. I really killed, didn’t I? Especially the Iranians in the crowd.
Standup Monthly: Now that performance was a little different from your previous style. How did you change your act?
D.J. Trump: You’re right. I mixed things up a bit and started trying a little more exaggerated, over-the-top comedy like “My administration has accomplished more than almost any in U. S. history.” It was kind of a riff on my old routines like “My electoral victory was the biggest since Reagan’s” and “This was the biggest Inauguration crowd ever.” I think you could see how the crowd really ate that stuff up.
Standup Monthly:  Yes, they certainly did. But does that mean you’re giving up on your insult comedy?
D.J. Trump:  No, of course not. Remember; that’s what earned me my first success. Favorites like Lyin’ Ted, Crooked Hillary, Little Rocket Man. They’re what got me to where I am today so I’m not going to stop using them. Except maybe for Little Rocket Man. I met Kim recently, you know? We did a gig together in Singapore and we really hit it off. I think we could be bigger than Martin and Lewis or even me and Putin.
Standup Monthly: It’s clear that you have great success with U. S. crowds but some folks are saying that you don’t really appeal to international audiences.
D.J. Trump: Nonsense. Look at that UN crowd, for example. They were yukking it up like crazy.
Standup Monthly: Although some are saying they were laughing at you, not with you.
D.J. Trump: Believe me; they were laughing with me. Or at least if they know what’s good for them, they were laughing with me.
Standup Monthly: So what’s on the agenda for D. J. Trump? Are you planning a tour? Any local clubs you’ll be playing in the Washington area?
D.J. Trump: Well, if you hadn’t noticed, I’ve been touring regularly even before I moved to the White House. It’s kind of what I like to call the Eternal Campaign Rally tour. And we’re going to be ramping that up big time as we approach the first week of November topped off with a Tone Deaf Comedy Jam concert in D. C. on Tuesday, November 6th.
Standup Monthly: What’s in the future? Where do you see D. J. Trump in five years?
D.J. Trump: I think I’m only going to get better and better. I’m looking to try out some observational humor like Jerry Seinfeld and maybe even more physical comedy like Jerry Ford. Where do I see myself in five years? Well touring is tiring so I’d like to have my own personal concert venue in Washington kind of like what that Celine Dion broad has in Vegas. Then I could do two shows a night forever assuming we can get rid of that stupid 22nd Amendment.

Wednesday, September 26, 2018

Hurricane Donald

    It turns out that Hurricane Florence may not have been the storm of a lifetime but it definitely wreaked havoc with extensive flooding along the coast of the Carolinas and further inland. Although Florence has passed, we must remember that the hurricane season is far from over and that more devastating storms are on the way including this one recently identified by the National Weather Service:
National Hurricane Center – Storm Advisory for Hurricane Donald – Extreme Warning
     We continue to track Donald ever since it achieved hurricane status back in November of 2016. What was once predicted to be simply a minor tropical storm that would blow itself out in 2015 has unexpectedly continued to gain strength and now threatens not only coastal regions but the entire continental United States.
     Although some hurricanes like Florence move westward at a very slow pace, Donald is truly exceptional in that it has moved very little in the past two years. In fact, the eye of the storm remains centered over Washington, D. C. with particularly disruptive winds and storm surges in the specific area of the White House.
     Since its inception, Donald has left significant damage and destruction in its path. Puerto Rico was one of its early major victims but the damage caused has been widespread and extensive. The storm has managed to destroy innumerable regulations, cause significant harm to healthcare reforms and add immeasurably to the national debt.
     Those residing in lower income areas are urged to evacuate as soon as possible. Although Donald consistently promised to bring economic gains to all, to date, it has limited such results only to upper income neighborhoods.
     While Donald primarily attacks liberal coastal areas, it causes damage wherever it tracks. Even if your region appears to be safe, be advised that Donald creates dangerous subsidiary weather patterns such as unceasing campaign-like rallies and unpredictable Twitterstorms. It has even been known to become embedded with local tornadoes like the recently identified Stormy Daniels.
     Donald has yet to be accurately or adequately categorized. Once thought to be simply an annoying tropical depression, it has since surprisingly continued to jump categories beyond our standard measuring determinants to the point where, at this point, we can only call it an uncategorized storm.
     It continues to be difficult to predict the path and strength of this hurricane. Although we anticipated on several occasions that Donald would essentially self-destruct, it appears that whatever erratic and unstable action the storm takes only seems to strengthen it more.
     We are cautiously optimistic, however, that by early November, we will see Donald’s power lessened significantly by strong midterm election weather patterns emanating from the House and possibly the Senate. Yet given Donald’s unpredictability and penchant for achieving increased volume as well as the electorate’s historical absence of voter turnout, it may actually increase in strength and achieve the previously unassigned storm status of a Windbag 1.
     If Donald should persist beyond the upcoming election season, it may not blow itself out until 2020 unless, of course, it is intercepted by Typhoon Mueller. 

Thursday, September 20, 2018

Donald The Anonymous

MEMORANDUM                                          EXTRA SUPER TOP SECRET
TO:        My buddy Vlad
FROM:  Donnie J.
RE:        That N. Y. Times Op-Ed
     I gotta hand it to you, Vlad. I had my doubts about this plan but, like you said: “It will work like charm.”
     The failing New York Times was suckered again. I don’t know who they think they were dealing with in publishing that essay but it’s clear they had no idea it was one of your guys. Well done, Vlad.
     The sentence structure, grammar, word choice and syntax were brilliant. No one’s ever going to suspect that I was behind this op-ed because they’d never believe that I could write so well. Hell, I’d never believe I could write that well and, in fact, I can’t. But whoever you enlisted to draft it clearly did a fantastic job.
     So the fake news and all those stupid liberals are predictably going nuts over this. They’re calling for an investigation into what’s going on in the White House and calling for my head on a platter.
     What they don’t realize, of course, is that they’re playing right into my perfectly normal-sized hands. We’ll let them get even more riled up, Vlad, before we drop the other larger-than-normal shoe.
     Before that happens though, I gotta say I’m loving all the squirming and twisting by everyone in my Cabinet. People are saying that only some bright guy like Kelly or Mattis could have written something that coherent. It’s fun to watch those two look over their shoulder when making their denials of authorship.
     Of course no one’s claiming some clown like Ben Carson or Betsy deVos could have written the op-ed. Hell, those two can barely write their name.
     And I know I shouldn’t take pleasure in it but it’s even fun to watch members of my own family sweat. Room-temperature-IQ Eric isn’t worried since he’s not bright enough to know that he should be worried. But Don, Jr. and Ivanka are sweating bullets since they both know how to string a few nice sounding sentences together.
     This all kind of reminds me of that clever old geezer Ronald Reagan. Everyone thought he was a useful idiot but little did they know that he just played the part. Behind that clown-like facade was a brilliant tactician who managed to avoid any responsibility for Iran-Contra by repeatedly saying he couldn’t remember or “I don’t recall.”
     Well, I’m going to ride that same train to Crazytown right into a second term in office if everything plays out like you say, Vlad. Once the Democrats have gotten themselves so riled up they’re foaming at the mouth, we’ll convene an investigation to determine who wrote the op-ed.
     And guess who the investigation will find guilty? Hey, why am I asking you since you already know? That’s right: Jeff Sessions.
     What a clever move, Vlad. Like you always say: “One stone kill two birds.” I get to look presidential by convening and conducting a thorough investigation and, at the same time, I can dump that weenie Sessions. After that, it won’t take long to get rid of Mueller.
     Things are looking good for the midterms. Thanks to you helping those socialists win their Democratic primaries, I think we’ll be able to hang on to our majority in the House and then it’ll be clear sailing to a second term in 2020.
     Thanks again, Vlad. There’ll be a few extra rubles for your efforts in next month’s pay packet.

Wednesday, September 12, 2018

Adult Maintenance Schedule

      When you buy a new car, the dealer provides you with a suggested maintenance schedule, a list of recommended services to be carried out at various set intervals. Many of us follow those schedules faithfully. And why not? After all, a car is an expensive investment and it makes sense to keep it well maintained.
     But if we take that much care with our car, why wouldn’t we do the same with our own body? Hence, a suggested adult maintenance schedule:
Every year or 1,000 miles
Do visual inspection of exterior for any obvious signs of wear or incipient growths.
Check teeth and repair or replace any defective molars, incisors or bicuspids.
Check footwear and replace or repair as necessary.
Test eyesight and install corrective eyewear if needed.
Test compression and advise accordingly (e.g. - lose weight, exercise more, reduce salt intake).
Every ten years or 10,000 miles
Examine for any weight gain and replace belts where needed.
Lubricate all joints.
Check for proper moral bearings and adjust if required.
Rotate footwear and upgrade wardrobe.
Inspect intake valve and exhaust manifold for any leaking or improper functioning.
For male model, carefully examine hairline and take appropriate measures for any recession or male pattern baldness.
For female model, check for facial scratches or imperfections and apply necessary creams and oils or surgically alter if needed.
After 50 years or 50,000 miles
Examine marriage and adjust or replace as needed.
Check for impending mid-life crisis and provide sports car, facelift or younger mate as required.
Test eyesight and, if appropriate, fit with bi- or tri-focals depending on model type.
Replace any clogged or malfunctioning valves and arteries. 
Internally inspect exhaust pipe and remove any unwanted growths.
Check for power failures in the reproductive crankcase and medicate as needed.
Examine diet and remove all sugars, fats and alcohol.
Examine lifestyle and install speed governor to restrict physical movement to appropriate age level.
Check for sleep interruption and medicate if necessary.
For female model, check for flushing, overheating and mood swings.
For male model, check for repeated nighttime fluid evacuation and excessive dripping.
After 75 years or 75,000 miles
Check for pulse.
Replace any worn or malfunctioning joints.
Flush malfunctioning hoses and replace or medicate if required.
Rewrite warranty documentation including will, power of attorney, spare parts donation card, etc.
If nearing end of useful life, reinstall spiritual enquiry module if requested.
Offer customer option of pre-paid chassis removal service.

Friday, September 07, 2018

Donald Ain't No Don

“The silent circle of assent. The boss in complete control. The loyalty oaths. The us-versus-them worldview. The lying about all things, large and small, in service to some code of loyalty that put the organization above morality and above the truth.”

   - James Comey, A Higher Loyalty

    On more than one occasion, Donald Trump has been compared to a mob boss. Given his shady dealings and his insistence on loyalty and total control, his organization does seem to bear some similarities to the Mafia. But apparently actual mobsters have taken offense to these comparisons.
     Mr. Anthony “Nine Toes” Tonnucci, the new head of the Anti-defamation League of Cosa Nostra, recently spoke out in support of his membership.
     “We in the Mafia have devoted our lives to creating and maintaining certain standards of behavior, standards which we take great pride in. To see a two-bit outfit like the Trump organization being mentioned in the same breath as ours is not only troubling, it is also a huge insult to our people.”
     Although Mr. Tonnucci concedes that Mr. Trump may have had connections at one time or another to New York mobsters, he wants to make it clear that Trump’s actions were not in keeping with the ethical guidelines of the mob.
     “I know a lot of people have a negative image of us,” said Tonnucci. “But for the most part, it is unjustified. Although we may from time to time break certain so-called laws or even limbs, we take pride in always following our own strict internal rules.”
     As an example, Mr. Tonnucci pointed to contractual dealings between members.
     “Sure, we may not always comply with statutory requirements. From time to time, we may even exact certain financial or physical penalties against our competitors. But unlike that schlub Trump, we always honor our contracts (including the killing ones) and make our payments in full.”
     It seems that members of the Anti-defamation League also have a bone to pick with Donald Trump when it comes to how he runs his business.
     “As you know,” said Tonnucci. “We sometimes operate some less-than-kosher financial ventures but our ultimate goal is always to eventually turn everything into a legitimate, aboveboard business. In that regard, unlike that weasel Trump, we take pride in avoiding corporate bankruptcies at all costs.”
     Drawing parallels between the Trump family and any of the New York families seems to also rub mob members the wrong way.
     “While we know the Corleone family was fictional,” said Tonnucci. “We do consider them to be one of us and therefore take great offense when their name is slandered. In particular, it is offensive to call Trump Don Donald. He is no Vito Corleone and to suggest otherwise is to insult all great Mafia families.
     “Likewise, to suggest his son Don, Jr. is like Fredo Corleone is highly offensive. Although Fredo had his faults, they were sins of omission unlike the sins of commission made by Trump’s kid. And to say that Trump’s former lawyer Michael Cohen was like a mob attorney is insulting both to the Mafia and to mob attorneys everywhere. To even suggest that Cohen could wear the mantle of consigliere is laughable.”
     Apparently the League is not only concerned with Trump’s domestic activities; they also take issue with his foreign adventures and possible ties to the Russian mob.
     “The Russian mob is not American,” said Tonnucci. “Hell, they’re not even a real mob. That’s why we can’t abide any suggested connections between them, President Trump and us. We have a longstanding, hard-won image to protect and any dealing Trump may have had with Russian mobsters does nothing but tarnish the reputation of our homegrown mobsters. If Trump wants to truly make America great again, he should start by calling out those Russian thugs and standing up for his own country’s top crime bosses.”
     When asked what he wants Mr. Trump to do about all this, Tonnucci simply smiled and said: “Unless he likes sleeping with the fishes, I think Mr. Trump knows what’s expected of him.”