Friday, May 12, 2006

Bush, Jr.

President George W. Bush
The White House
Washington, D. C.

Dear George:

It was great meeting you and Vicente earlier this year in Cancun. You probably wouldn’t have guessed but I was a bit of a nerd in university. So it was a real treat to party with you and the Foxman in Mexico.

The reason I’m writing is to thank you for all of your helpful suggestions. It’s been a bit tricky governing here in Canada since I don’t have a majority in our legislature like you do. But your handy hints have made it a lot easier.

First, I can’t tell you how much I love your KISS approach to campaigning. As you said, keep it simple and the voters will love you. I picked five points and hammered them home until frankly even I was sick of them. But, by gosh, it worked!

Now I’m governing just like I campaigned. I’m introducing those five points one by one and I’m going to stick to them come hell or high water. As you said: "Admit no mistakes and never look back."

Since I implemented your media plan, dealing with the press has been a breeze. Who would have thought saying nothing would pay such dividends? Plus it’s really fun to watch the reporters shout themselves hoarse trying to get an answer.

Glad to be able to help out in Afghanistan. So far, so good. I followed your lead and put the kybosh on any flag lowering or casket photographing and everything’s under control. Maybe if things go well, I can even send a few troops to Iraq. One small point, though. Could you remind me why we’re in Afghanistan? People are starting to ask.

"Muchas gracias" for the softwood lumber deal. I know it was all ready months ago. But by holding off and letting me take the credit, you really helped me out. How about we implement that mad cow agreement now?

That tax cutting advice was also right on. Like you said, if my predecessor was stupid enough to leave a big, fat surplus then I’d be a fool not to spend it. And what better way to spend it than on tax cuts. Social programs, health care and education are soooo boring.

I have to admit; I really like your habeas corpus-less imprisonments and your warrant-less wiretaps. Believe me; they’d both come in handy up here. But so far, I can’t find any judges or lawyers to go along with me. I appreciate your offer of a loan of Clarence Thomas or Alberto Gonzales but I think Canadians might suspect something was up.

As for getting a majority government, I appreciate your advice that you don’t necessarily need the most votes to win. But I don’t think there are enough Canadian voters in Florida to make a difference. Plus I don’t have a lot of friends yet on our Supreme Court.

I appreciate all the lifestyle hints, too. But let’s face it; no one’s gonna believe I’m a "compassionate conservative." And as for cowboy boots and a ranch, I’m afraid I couldn’t pull it off. But maybe next time we get together, you could teach me how to cut brush.


Stephen Harper

P. S. - I’ve tried both leather vests and down-filled vests but neither seems to work for me. Any suggestions?


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