Rhythm and Blues Method

The Roman Catholic Church is reportedly considering softening its position on birth control. If the following draft brochure leaked by the Vatican is any indication, a limited positive decision could be issuing soon:

Looking for ethical methods of birth control? Unsure of what’s sinful and what’s not? Worry no more with the following selection of devices and methods straight from the Church of Rome:

The Wholly Condom

This Vatican-approved prophylactic has 99 tiny, microscopically-inserted holes to lower, but not defeat, the odds of conception. Like playing the craps table at Vegas, you’ll be shouting "7 come 11" when you use the Church’s specially-designed Wholly Condom. Also marketed as the Half-safe®.

The Cervical Mitre

Barrier methods are now OK but only those that receive the Good Shepherd’s seal of approval. In the case of entry-blocking devices, our number one choice is the cervical mitre. Works just like the cervical cap except for the mitre-like protrusions and projections. You can now have conception-free sex so long as it’s painful and you don’t enjoy it.

Freedom Foam

The Church has recently developed the first non-spermicidal birth control foam. When used, Freedom Foam coalesces into a gelatine-like substance to make it difficult, if not impossible, for any little seeds to be planted in your garden. Rest easy knowing that if you do get pregnant, it was from a very strong, durable and determined swimmer. Comes in a rainbow of sensuous colors.

A Good Habit

The Church cannot, of course, sanction oral contraceptives or any spermicidal foams or jellies. But if you’re not comfortable with our newly-sanctioned barrier methods, you may want to consider this surefire bedroom passion killer. If your husband has ardor in his eyes, just put on this special papal-approved, floor-length, old-style nun’s habit complete with rosary and black-rimmed glasses. Guaranteed to extinguish even the lustiest male desires.

Rhythm and Blues Method

The Church has always given the green light to the tried and occasionally true rhythm method. Now there’s a new, more effective version: the rhythm and blues method. Chart your monthly cycle and your partner’s weekly libido pattern. Only schedule sexual relations when your fertility level and his desire level are at their lowest. Usually occurs on the last Monday before payday.

Deusphragm

Here’s our favorite Church-approved barrier method. Constructed like a diaphragm except with a special cheesecloth membrane on the bottom. Give your partner’s boys at least a fighting chance and leave the rest to God. Comes with an instruction manual and a handy, pocket-sized prayer book.