Wednesday, November 28, 2018

The New Trump Shopping Plaza




      Welcome to the grand opening of the fantastic new Trump Shopping Plaza. Located next door to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Trump Plaza has all the retail outlets you’re ever likely to need. Check out these great new businesses:
Trump Hairstylists and Weavers
     If you’ve got an elaborate head of hair that requires the best in styling and interweaving, Trump Hairstylists is the place for you. Experts in comb-overs and hair weaving for more than forty years, we can turn your bald spot and rat’s nest of hair into a dazzling hirsute crown. We also specialize in hair growth medications and tonics like Rogaine and Propecia which we will administer in strict confidence so that even your doctor won’t know. Drop in within the next ten days for a hair styling or weaving and we’ll include absolutely free a skin-bronzing treatment in one of our amazing new fall colors: Harvest Orange, Pumpkin Puree or Corn Cob Gold.
Trump Legal Services
     Instead of searching far and wide for legal services, now you can come on down to Trump Shopping Plaza and find the right lawyer for you. Drop in and we’ll quickly assess your needs and pair you up with just the right attorney. Whether you’re dealing with a tricky conflict of interest situation, a questionable offshore financial transaction or a complicated personal non-disclosure agreement, we’ve got you covered. We even have aging politicos on staff specializing in spin and dissembling who can confuse just about any fake news practitioner.
Trump Electronics
     This is the place for all your electronic goods shopping. You name it; we’ve got it. From high-speed, high-volume paper shredders to the latest in sophisticated listening and recording devices, Trump Electronics is your one-stop location for today’s self-protecting electronic gizmos. We’ve even got outdated, non-secure smart phones if that’s your preference although we strongly advise against using them. Plus, if you act now and spend $200 or more, we’ll provide you with a $100 discount at Trump Legal Services to ensure you know the law in your jurisdiction regarding the recording of your conversations by others.
Trump Laundromat
     Whether you’ve got bedding, clothes or questionable currency to clean, come on down to Trump Laundromat where we’ll take care of all of your laundering needs. We can help launder your dirty sheets, underwear or foreign bills and instantly turn them into shiny new bedding, skivvies or currency in no time. For your convenience, our coin-operated machines accept various denominations including quarters and Russian rubles. You can do your own laundering or, if you don’t have time, leave everything with us and we’ll clean up your clothes and cash with our famous same-day service.
The Bank of Trump
     Let’s face it; not every bank is capable of dealing with your unique financial needs. But we here at the Bank of Trump are sensitive to your peculiar business arrangements and can help you achieve the kind of financing that other banks legally can’t provide. Whether you need to temporarily hide some of your money offshore or you just need some extra cash to stay solvent, we’re there for you. Most importantly, we’re the bank that can loan you lots and lots of money even when so-called traditional banks won’t. With branch offices around the world including in Moscow and St. Petersburg, we can find you enough cash to underwrite whatever shaky venture you have in mind. 
Trump Election Services
     Running for elected office but unsure where to start? Looking to unseat a Congressional incumbent but afraid you just don’t have the votes? Then make Trump Election Services the first stop on your voyage to electoral success. We can help you dip into huge pools of anonymously-donated election funds to help swamp your opponent with negative ads. We’re also experts in gerrymandering and voter suppression to ensure you get at least a plurality of votes in your chosen district. And for those who need a little help from manipulated social media, we have some eastern-based operatives who will be glad to help you out for no cost at all.

Tuesday, November 20, 2018

CEO Job Opening



MONSTER.COM
Position:  Chief Executive Officer, Washington, D. C.
     The Republican Party is urgently looking for a new CEO to head up the nation’s executive branch. The successful candidate must be at least 35 years old and a natural born citizen. Preference will be given to those individuals who already live in or near the Washington, D. C. area and are thus able to assume the job as soon as possible.
Role Description:
     The nation’s CEO is responsible for the entire executive branch of the federal government. He will carefully formulate detailed policy initiatives to be presented to the legislative branch for possible passage into law. The CEO works closely with the other branches to ensure the smooth and efficient functioning of all aspects of the government. He will coordinate with elected officials at the state and local levels to implement domestic policy. At the same time, he will liaise with foreign national leaders to ensure smooth international trade arrangements and peaceful foreign relations.
Skills required:
     The position of the nation’s top executive requires an individual skilled in legislative implementation, policy formulation and international diplomacy. The successful candidate will be someone with highly developed written and verbal skills, keen discretion and an ability to think before speaking. Preferably, he will have extensive experience in one or more elected positions or, at a minimum, ten or more years in a high level military position.
     Ideally, the new CEO will be a lifelong member of the Republican Party and willing and able to listen to the views of Congressional members of his party. He will know the difference between true and false and will be skilled in the diplomatic arts such that he will not alienate the nation’s allies and will not give aid and comfort to its enemies. It is of utmost importance that he not be beholden to any foreign power or be smitten with autocrats and oligarchs of any kind.
Benefits:
     The CEO position includes significant health and dental benefits. The incumbent is also entitled to Secret Service protection and has diplomatic immunity. He will be provided with free transportation within and beyond the Washington area although it is preferred that he not use such transportation to travel to his own properties.
     Housing is provided. The successful candidate will live rent-free in one of Washington’s premier residences for anywhere from two to six years. Thus, there should be no need to spend money traveling to other residences except for his nearby country retreat at Camp David.
     The salary is $400,000 per year with a $50,000 non-taxable expense account. There is a post-employment annual pension of $207,800. Although there are no stock options or bonuses, upon retirement, the CEO will be able to set up his own library in the location of his choice.         
Application process:    
     Any interested candidate should submit his CV together with at least three letters of reference from non-family members attesting to his honesty, integrity and intelligence. A detailed listing of skills should be provided including technical and computer skills. However, it is preferred that no candidate should have any involvement with social media in general and Twitter in particular.
     The successful candidate should be available immediately subject to a potential minor Constitutional impediment in the 25th Amendment and in the Presidential Succession Act. For the sake of the nation and the Republican Party, the employer anticipates the cooperation of anyone in the CEO line of succession to step aside and make way for the winner of this competition.
     The Republican Party requests that all applications be made and kept in confidence and, in particular, that no applicant inform the current CEO of this competition.

Wednesday, November 14, 2018

@EmperorDonald


“Several of President Donald Trump’s outside advisers have told him over the past week he requires neither a chief of staff nor a communications director….”

                                                                        - CNN – March 30, 2018

     Communications Director Hope Hicks is long gone so can Chief of Staff John Kelly be far behind? Look for these upcoming tweets from the President:

@realDonaldTrump:  Goodbye John Kelly. Just like Jimmy Carter, I don’t need a chief of staff or a communications director. No one does these jobs better than me. Let Donald be Donald and let’s make the White House Great Again.

@realDonaldTrump:  Don’t forget; your taxes are due on April 15th. Why does the IRS make it so difficult? I’m now the head of the agency because I’m great at doing taxes. Nobody avoids paying taxes better than me because I know the system so well.

@realDonaldTrump:  A big thanks to Betsy DeVos for her efforts at the Department of Education. She gets a solid C+ but America deserves an A+ and that means me. I’m the smartest guy, a real stable genius who has a real degree from an Ivy League business school so I’ll fix our schools like real quick.

@realDonaldTrump:  Sad Scott Pruitt had to go at the EPA. Sure he loves coal and doesn’t believe in climate change just like me but he couldn’t keep his hand out of the till. DT for EPA and let’s get back to coal-burning steam locomotives and a coal-fired furnace in the White House. Make America Dark Again.

@realDonaldTrump:  I appreciate your efforts as Secretary of State, Mike Pompeo, but I no longer need your services. After all, who arranged that+ meeting with Little Rocket Man and threatened nuclear war against Iran? The Donald, that’s who.

@realDonaldTrump:  A big thank-you and goodbye to John Bolton for his service as National Security Adviser but I’ll take it from here and without an ugly mustache (it’s gotta go, John; so ugly). I know national security better than anyone so I’ll do it alone and brief myself. You’ll be so secure you’ll be tired of being secure.

@realDonaldTrump:  Ben Carson knows nothing about housing and I know everything about housing so, no surprise, I’m the new Secretary of Housing. Plus Ben blamed his wife for that $31,000 dining set purchase. I would never blame my wife for anything although maybe my ex-wives. LOL.

@realDonaldTrump:  I’ve always said Jeff Sessions shouldn’t have recused himself. Well now Stupid Jeff is gone and I’m the new Attorney General. I’m not a lawyer but I know more than any lawyer since I’ve used so many of them over the years. If anyone disagrees, you’re sued!

@realDonaldTrump:  Hey, Rod Rosenstein, I don’t need you anymore since I’m now the AG so, guess what, you’re fired. And while I’m at it, Robert Mueller, you’re fired, too. No collusion. Fake news. Witch hunt over.

@realDonaldTrump:  I’m firing any remaining cabinet members and I appoint myself to any vacant positions although maybe Jared can be Chief Vassal or Court Jester or something. Since I’m like really smart, stupendously smart, I can do it all.

@EmperorDonald:  That’s right. I’ve changed my Twitter handle. I now run the whole show. I don’t need anyone’s help except I still can’t seem to find the nuclear football.

@EmperorDonald:  Found it. I’m going to attack Iran and North Korea. MAGA and KYAG (kiss your ass goodbye).

Twitter blows up. Trump blows up Twitter and who knows what else.

Wednesday, November 07, 2018

Jack Diamond, P. I.


     If thirty years of being a presidential investigator has taught me anything it’s to never trust your client completely.
     So when I got the call from this Trump fellow, my private eye radar was already receiving suspicious signals.  
     Anyway, I agreed to meet with him and the next day I walked into the Oval Office and finally got my first look at this schlub.  
     “Jack Diamond?” he said, thrusting out his right hand for a firm shake.
     “That’s right, Mr. President,” I said coolly. “What can I do for you?”
     “Well, Jack, I heard a lot about you. Let’s just say I need your help badly.”
      “Look, Mr. President, if you’re in any sexual trouble, I may be able to help you out.” 
      “Well, any of the sexual stuff isn’t really that big a deal. You see, the people love me and if I tell them I didn’t sleep with porn stars, Playboy models or peeing Russian hookers, they believe me. No, I’ve got bigger problems than that.”
     “Look, Jack, I’m not going to lie to you,” he lied. “But my biggest problem is that there are people on my own staff leaking stuff to the press. I want you to go incognito and find out who’s trying to bring me down. Can you do that for me, Jack?”
     Of course I could do that for him but the question was whether or not I wanted to get involved with this guy at all. From what I could see, he’d sooner stiff you on a bill than give you a smile and my sources had already told me that when it came to under-the-bus-throwing, this guy was the champ.
     “I can do it, Mr. President,” I said. “But I’m going to need a six-figure retainer and a daily expense account.”
     “No problem, Jack,” he said. “I’ll have my people draw up a contract and we’ll put you on the White House payroll for your daily expenses.”
     As I exited the Oval Office, I had a funny feeling. Somehow I knew that my investigations were probably all going to lead to a dead end. But the schmuck was going to pay me “bigly” as he put it and I was never one to sniff at a giant pay day.
     So I took up office undercover in the White House in order to talk to different staff members. It soon became apparent to me that most of these halfwits would have a hard time taking a leak, much less making one.
     As the weeks dragged on, I was getting a bit discouraged. I had talked to just about everyone on the president’s staff and no one looked capable of doing something as sophisticated as leaking confidential material without getting caught.  
     As my final attempt, I figured I should check out any social media emanating from the White House and first up was a Twitter account purporting to be that of the president. But something was fishy. The tweets looked strangely suspicious, many being full of grammatical and typographical errors.
     On further investigation, I could see that some of these tweets were actually leaking confidential material to the public. Since no president would be stupid enough to make such juvenile mistakes, it stood to reason that someone had hijacked the president’s Twitter account and was using it as a vehicle to undermine his credibility.
     I set up a meeting with the president and laid out the results of my investigation.
     “That’s brilliant,” said the president. “It all makes sense now. Some clown is using my platform and spilling the beans on all the inside doings. Thanks for your hard work, Jack. There’ll be a little something extra for you in your final check.”
     “Thanks, Mr. President, but what about the fake Twitter account?” I asked. “Shouldn’t we be shutting that down and stopping the leaks?”
     “Leave that to me, Jack,” said Trump. “Leave that to me.”
     And with that, I left the Oval Office, exited the White House, headed back to my one-desk office near the Hill and waited for my next phone call which I was pretty sure would be from one V. Putin.