After years of fruitless negotiations and pointless pleading, the American people have been forced to take legal action against their President, George W. Bush. Apparently frustrated by Mr. Bush’s uncooperative attitude, the residents of the United States finally threw in the towel and chose the option of last resort.
A statement of claim was filed yesterday in Washington, D. C.:
Civil Action No. 564/06
UNITED STATES DISTRICT COURT FOR THE DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA
- and -
George W. Bush
Plaintiff The People of the United States of America (hereinafter "Plaintiff") states as follows:
NATURE OF ACTION:
Plaintiff brings this action against the President of the United States for negligent misrepresentation, breach of contract and excessive use of malapropisms:
STATEMENT OF MATERIAL FACTS:
Whereas the Defendant circumvented the electoral process to gain the presidency in 2000.
And whereas the Defendant misled certain of the Plaintiff by willfully misrepresenting himself as a compassionate conservative.
And whereas the Defendant converted a half trillion dollar surplus into a trillion dollar debt..
And whereas the Defendant misled the Plaintiff as to the reasons for going to war with Iraq.
And whereas the Defendant erroneously declared "mission accomplished" when he knew, or ought to have known, that the mission was far from completed.
And whereas the Plaintiff feels foolish about electing the Defendant in 2000 and feels really, really foolish about reelecting him in 2004.
And whereas the Defendant mischievously deceived many of the Plaintiff into believing he was a "Texan", a "regular guy", "one of us" or similar such characterizations.
And whereas the Defendant and his agents failed to aid New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina.
And whereas the Defendant has consistently refused to acknowledge any errors or admit any mistakes.
And whereas the Plaintiff wishes to invoke the longstanding doctrine of "Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me."
Now therefore the Plaintiff claims that the Defendant is guilty of wilful deceit, negligent misrepresentation and pigheaded stubbornness. Furthermore, the Defendant is guilty of breach of contract and various violations of proper English language usage.
Wherefore the Plaintiff seeks specific damages in the amount of $1,500,000,000 to re-balance the Plaintiff’s budget and specific damages in the amount of $600,000,000 to compensate for funds wasted in Iraq.
Furthermore the Plaintiff seeks general damages in the amount of $1,000,000,000 for loss of reputation and worldwide public humiliation.
Furthermore the Plaintiff seeks punitive damages in the amount of $1,000,000 to dissuade Defendant from future violations.
Wherefore, the Plaintiff prays for (1) relief in the amount of $3,101,000,000, (2) an order in the nature of prohibition that the Defendant be prevented from completing his term in office or, in the alternative, (3) a declaration from this Honorable Court that just about anyone other than Dick Cheney be the new President or, in the further alternative, (4) an interlocutory injunction temporarily enjoining the Defendant from doing anything further to damage the Plaintiff or its country for the next two-and-a-half years.
IF YOU FAIL TO OPPOSE THIS ACTION, JUDGMENT MAY BE GIVEN IN YOUR ABSENCE AND WITHOUT FURTHER NOTICE TO YOU.
May 9, 2006.
Issued By: U.S. District Court for the District of Columbia