For those wondering what George W. Bush has been up to since leaving office, wonder no more. The former president has been busy preparing an all-out marketing campaign to secure his place in history.
"I know a lot of people have criticized my administration," said Mr. Bush. "Some say that I was the worst U. S. president in history. Personally, I think that’s just not fair."
"Sure, it’s easy to find fault with my record," continued the ex-president. "After all, when I first took office, the Dow was at 10,700, the unemployment rate was 4%, politicians were wondering how to spend a projected one trillion dollar surplus, the Twin Towers were still standing, there was no axis of evil, North Korea was complying with its treaty obligations, Saddam Hussein wasn’t bothering anyone and Osama bin Laden’s whereabouts were known."
"But that’s not necessarily a fair assessment of my time in office," said Mr. Bush. "When you take a gander at some of those other fellows, I think I come out looking pretty good. Well, maybe not pretty good but not as bad as some."
Asked to identify who might rank below him on the list of former presidents, Bush pointed to Warren G. Harding and James Buchanan.
"From what I understand," said Mr. Bush. "Those two guys really sucked. And what about that Harrison guy who died after only one month in office? For sure I was better than him unless you think doing nothing beats my eight-year record."
Apparently Bush’s marketing campaign will center on the fact that he was able to win reelection and serve two full terms.
"Whatever you think about me," said Bush. "I did serve two whole terms so that’s gotta count for something. As far as I’m concerned, that at least qualifies me for the title of worst two-term president of all time. And given LBJ’s withdrawal, Nixon’s resignation and Clinton’s blow job, maybe I’m not even at the bottom of that list."
As with any marketing campaign, Bush’s upcoming effort will have a fall-back position.
"If historians don’t want to call me the worst two-term president of all time," said Bush. "Then maybe they can at least consider the alternative, namely the third best president of the 21st century. Trust me; I can live with that."