Foreword to "My Friend W"

This is the foreword to my book "My Friend W" available on-line at Amazon and at Chapters stores across Canada:

Ottawa, Ontario
Canada
April 1, 2004

President George W. Bush
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, D. C.
U. S. A.

Dear Mr. President:

I’m writing a book about you entitled "My Friend W." It’s a short humor collection based on the conceit that you are, in fact, my friend. I plan to include, among others, pieces comparing you to John Quincy Adams, the Godfather and the Cat in the Hat.

Now you and I both know that we are not friends. Not that we couldn’t be. We’re both fifty-something baby boomers who were born into a life of privilege. Well, actually, I wasn’t born into a life of privilege. But I’m sure I could have been if your generous tax cuts had been in place for my family in the 1950s.

Anyway, to make a long story short, my book’s coming out soon and I’m looking for some publicity to help sales. And one way to boost sales is with those snappy blurbs on the back cover. You know the ones. Like "Best Presidential satire since Vaughn Meader" or "Skewers Bush like no one before."

Of course, it would be unfair to ask you to be too effusive in your praise, but something simple like "I’m pleased to recommend my friend Dave’s book" or "This book made me re-think my entire domestic policy" would be much appreciated.

Looking forward to hearing from you and becoming

Your friend,

Dave

P. S. - If it helps, I didn’t vote for Al Gore. In fairness, I didn’t vote for you either.

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Ottawa, Ontario
Canada
May 1, 2004

President George W. Bush
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, D. C.
U. S. A.

Dear Mr. Bush:

Thank you so much for your timely reply. It’s not quite what I was looking for but it’s a start.

As I mentioned in my last letter (copy enclosed), I was hoping for a nice snappy blurb to use on the back cover of the book. You’ve probably seen a few of them in your days like the ones on the backs of Zane Grey westerns or foreign policy treatises by Paul Wolfowitz.

The thing is, hard as my publisher and I have tried, we haven’t been able to do much with "I appreciate your interest" or "Enclosed please find a picture of The White House."

To make this easy and to speed things up (our publishing deadline is soon!!), could you please just check off one of these suggested blurbs and return this letter in the enclosed stamped, self-addressed envelope?:

____ Best hatchet job since Al Franken’s.
____ Makes Michael Moore look like a pussycat.
____ I’m proud to call Dave Barry my friend.

Thanks again and thank you for being you. Without your special talents, this book would never have been possible.

Your friend in waiting,

Dave

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P. O. Box 601
Guantanamo Bay, Cuba

June 1, 2004
President George W. Bush
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, D. C.
U. S. A.

Dear George:

I think there’s been a terrible, terrible mistake. I expected to receive your reply by return post. Instead, a couple of burly RCMP officers came to visit me. They showed me copies of my first two letters to you and the next thing I know I’m in Cuba in an open air cage with a prayer mat and a copy of the Koran.

Anyway, enough about me. The one I’m really worried about is my publisher. The publication date is soon and not only does he not have a back page blurb from you, it looks like he may not have an author to do interviews and a book tour.

You know what? Forget about the blurb. If you could just put in a kind word for me with that guy John Ashcroft, maybe I could get back to Canada and start writing a humor book about John Kerry.

Whatta you say, Mr. President? Deal?

Your future friend,

Dave