THE WHITE HOUSE
Press Release - April 1, 2006
President Bush today announced what he called a "clean start" for the remainder of his second term.
"I recognize that there have been a few problems with my administration," said the President. "And I want to take this opportunity to set things right."
First, President Bush admitted that the Iraq War was entered into under false pretences and has been what he now calls a "huge mistake."
"There were no weapons of mass destruction, no yellowcake uranium and no connections with al Qaeda," said President Bush. "And nobody greeted us in Baghdad with open arms and flowers."
In keeping with this reevaluation of the record, the President has agreed to accept the resignations of Vice President Dick Cheney and Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld.
"They both screwed up big time," said the President. "And the honorable thing for them to do is resign."
President Bush today also addressed the problem of the national debt and outlined a course of action to turn the nation’s finances around.
"We’re in debt up to our ears," said the President. "And, frankly, it’s mostly my fault."
Effective immediately, all tax cuts for the wealthy are rescinded. Troop withdrawals from Iraq will begin this week with resulting significant cuts in military expenditures. And, beginning today, there will be no more no-bid contracts for companies like Bechtel and Haliburton.
President Bush also acknowledged mistakes and errors in judgment on a number of other issues.
"Hurricane Katrina. What can I say?", said the President. "We underfunded FEMA and cut back on levee construction. Brownie didn’t do a heckuva job but, then again, neither did I."
"I’d also like to apologize for the prescription drug benefit plan," said the President. "Not only did we make it impossible to figure out, we also deliberately structured it to benefit our friends in the pharmaceutical and health insurance industries. Starting today, we’re going to make that right."
President Bush graciously conceded that his administration has not only exploited the American middle class but has been an abject failure. From prisoner abuse to unauthorized wiretapping, the President admitted that almost nothing has gone right.
"I hope the American people can overlook my shortcomings and have it in their hearts to forgive me," said the President. "Given my sad record, I intend to resign immediately."
The President concluded his remarks with the curt admonition: "April Fool!"