Tuesday, August 28, 2018

Maxime's E-mail Inbox

    Former Conservative Party leadership candidate Maxime Bernier has quit the Conservative caucus and is about to form his own right-wing party. Unidentified hackers have released the following e-mails from Bernier’s inbox:

TO:       Maxime
FROM: Andrew
     What the hell is going on here? I thought we had a deal: whoever won the PC leadership would get the full and unequivocal support of the loser. Now you’ve gone and pulled this stunt. You’re going to form your own party? May I suggest a name: the Know Nothing Party or the No MPs Party. I hope you freeze in hell or in Beauce which, after all, is pretty much the same thing.

TO:       Maxime
FROM: Jagmeet
     Congratulations on breaking out on your own and forming a new party. Canada has long been a proud multicultural and multiparty country and I think it’s great that you are adding to at least one of those traditions. Most of all, I want to sincerely thank you for taking this step at this particular time. Let’s just say it takes some of the heat off me in the NDP caucus.

TO:       Maxime
FROM: Stephen
     You’re really making me second guess some of my past decisions, particularly appointing you to three different Cabinet posts. You always were a bit of a pain in the ass but I figured making you a minister of this or that would keep you happy. Well, now that I’m not around to keep you on a short leash, look at the damage you’ve done? I may even have to come out of retirement to restore my reputation and reunite the right.

TO:       Maxime                                                                     CONFIDENTIAL
FROM: Kellie
     Hey, wassup, Max? Just heard you’re leaving the party and forming your own. How come you didn’t tell me? You know I’m a big fan and I know you’re a big supporter of Canadian values® so give me a call and we’ll set up a meeting. Just don’t tell that wimp, Andrew.
P.S. - Remind me to return your copy of Ayn Rand’s The Fountainhead. Great read, by the way.

TO:      Maxime
FROM: Doug
     Way to go, Maxie boy! I didn’t think you had it in you but I gotta say I’m impressed. That’s some pair of cojones, mon frère. Look, I know a lotta folks are saying your new party is dead in the water but just look at me. Who’d a thunk three years ago I’d be sitting here in Toronto leading the Progressive Conservatives? The only thing that galls is that word “progressive” so hang on and when I’m done here, I’d love to join your party. Buck-a-beer forever!

TO:      Maxime                                                                      TOP SECRET
FROM: Justin
     Congratulations Max. You know I’ve always been a secret admirer of yours. After all, we French Canadians have to stick together, eh? Even if I’m not from the Beauce or anywhere even that remotely Quebeçois. Anyway, I wish you the best of luck. Here’s hoping you win a bunch of seats in Quebec come the next election but just not the Liberal ones, LOL! Thanks again for ensuring a second Liberal majority government.

Saturday, August 11, 2018


     American President Harry S. Truman famously said “The buck stops here.” Ontario Premier Doug Ford, however, has done him one better. He’s decided that the buck doesn’t stop with him. It actually starts with him as evidenced by his new “buck-a-beer” initiative slated for implementation in time for the upcoming Labor Day weekend.

     But that’s just the beginning. Rumor has it that Premier Ford has tapped the top minds in his cabinet and plans to extend his “buck-a” thinking throughout the province.

     First up is his new “buck-a-coffee” initiative. Ford has reportedly contacted Tim Horton’s and wants them to bring back coffee pricing from the previous century as in a large cup of coffee for only a dollar. Apparently Starbucks was also contacted but expressed little interest unless the premier was willing to also implement a “five-bucks-a-coffee” program.
     Next up is Ford’s new “buck-a-burger” plan. He’s apparently hoping to convince fast food chains across the province to hearken back to the previous millennium and start offering hamburgers for a dollar a piece. McDonald’s claims they’re already close to that target and would only have to remove one patty in their McDouble to meet it.
     Also in the planning stages is the new “buck-a-liter” program. Ontario’s gasoline stations will be asked to sign on to this new minimum floor pricing. Canada’s oil companies apparently have no problem with this new legislated optional minimum price so long as they never have to meet it.
     Ontario’s smokers will undoubtedly be pleased to hear that Doug Ford is hoping to bring back “buck-a-pack” pricing for cigarettes. “It’s just cruel what folks have to fork out for a deck of smokes these days,” said the premier. “When I was a kid, you could get a whole pack for under a buck.” When asked about possibly implementing a “buck-a-joint” plan for marijuana sales like when he was young, Ford had no comment.
     Looking long term, Premier Ford is hoping to sell off the remaining government-owned shares in Ontario Hydro and let electricity rates be governed by the free market. Eventually, he hopes to convince private power generators to provide “buck-a-kilowatt-hour” which is roughly five times the current peak rate. “That Hydro debt’s not going to retire itself,” Ford reportedly quipped.
     Thinking outside the box has also generated the soon-to-be-popular “three-buck-breakfast” tentatively planned by the Tory government. “Remember back in the good old days when you could get two eggs, bacon, home fries, toast and coffee for $2.99?” said Ford. “Well, that’s something else I’d like to bring back.
     To help pay for his new programs and lost revenues due to planned tax cuts, Premier Ford is looking to pare expenses, especially in the healthcare sector. To that end, he hopes to introduce his new “buck-a-visit” program wherein every visit to a doctor’s office, dentist’s office, hospital, clinic and pharmacy would result in a one-dollar charge. “Think of the millions in revenue that will generate,” said Ford, unmindful of the roughly two-dollar administrative cost entailed in collecting each one-dollar fee.
     Finally, Doug Ford has made it clear that he was never happy with Kathleen Wynne’s rapidly implemented sizable increases to Ontario’s minimum wage. If he has his way, his new “buck-an-hour” initiative will reverse the extra one-dollar increase to $15 an hour scheduled for this coming January. Ford claims there is no truth to the rumor that he initially wanted to use the new “buck-an-hour” plan to reduce Ontario’s minimum wage to that of the good old days of 1963, namely one-dollar an hour.