Wednesday, May 31, 2006

My Friend George

Dear George,

I know we haven’t been very close these last few years. It seems like we’ve gotten caught up in our own individual pursuits and forgotten about each other. What with my writing career taking off and your unilateral invasions of middle eastern nations possessing no weapons of mass destruction, we just seem to have drifted apart.

Well, I just wanted you to know that I’m here for you. From what I can gather, you could really use a friend right now.

Let’s face it; sometimes people can be cruel. Just because you made a few mistakes, that’s no reason for folks to give you a hard time.

I have to admit that I’m a bit worried about you. For some reason, I couldn’t get hold of Scooter and Karl won’t return my calls. Are you still talking to those guys or are you on the outs?

You know, when times get tough, you need some friends to rely on. Why not give Harriet a call? As I recall, she’s a big fan of yours, right?

And remember to look on the bright side. Sure, 67% of Americans disapprove of the job you’re doing. But that means 33% think you’re OK and the last time I checked that’s still marginally better than Richard Nixon’s numbers at this stage.

It also means millions of folks think you’re a good guy. That’s something to take comfort in. The fact that most of them also think that Adam and Eve walked with dinosaurs in no way diminishes that support.

I hope you’re not upset with the latest election results. Despite what the press are saying, you had nothing to do with the defeat of all those Republicans. After all, how could you have since none of them even asked for your help?

Don’t forget, you still have thousands of friends in the highest income bracket. Those folks really, really appreciate everything you did for them and I’m sure they won’t forget you soon. I can’t imagine your ineligibility for a third term will make them fair weather friends. Just because they’re making huge donations to other candidates now doesn’t mean they don’t still care about you.

Hey, maybe it’s time to take a break. That one-month vacation you take every August is not really much of a rest. You’re still chopping wood, clearing brush and riding your bike. Let’s face it; as you would say, that’s hard work.

And last year you didn’t even get the whole month off thanks to that Katrina thing. In the middle of all those recriminations about screwed up hurricane relief, I think folks forget that you lost out on your last week of holidays.

How about taking a few weeks right now? Go down to the ranch, kick off your boots and just read a few books. Or if you haven’t got any books, just watch TV.

And don’t worry about the country. I’m sure people can get along without you for a few weeks. Maybe even longer.

One last piece of advice: don’t isolate yourself. The last thing you want to do is end up like that Nixon fellow.

If you ever feel yourself getting a bit down or paranoid, just give me a call. I don’t mind holding on to that special briefcase with the nuclear war plans until you’re feeling better. I figure it’s the least I can do.

Your friend,


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