Monday, August 28, 2017

Trump's Expanded Cabinet

     It took awhile but President Donald Trump finally has a complete cabinet. Counting cabinet-level positions, there are 22 members including Vice President Mike Pence but it’s quickly looking like that may not be enough.
     This year’s events have shown that there are new areas of responsibility for President Trump and his team that had not previously been contemplated under previous administrations.
     First up will be the newly created post of Secretary of Crowd Size Estimation. The President’s press secretary was originally slated to cover what was assumed to be a minor responsibility. However, thanks to the biased and misleading crowd estimations provided by everyone from the FBI to various city police forces to almost all media outlets, it eventually became clear that a full-time secretary was required to oversee a new department comprising topnotch guesstimators and photo manipulators.
     Next in line for consideration is a cabinet-level post tentatively entitled White House Chief of Alternative Facts. Thanks to Kellyanne Conway’s incisive identification of this new category of reality, a small team of expert exaggerators and falsehood fabricators will work out of the West Wing to provide media outlets with all the necessary alternatives to so-called fact-based assertions.
     Serious consideration has also been given to creating the new cabinet position of Secretary of Late Night Humor Oversight. Given the cruel and malicious sketches appearing on certain live TV comedy shows, it was clear that steps had to be taken to rein in these insensitive, misguided and un-American attempts at political humor. The new secretary will oversee a staff of a dozen or more humor monitors who will make recommendations to the attorney general regarding possible legal action against these third-rate shows that nobody watches.
     Also planned is the new Office of Carnage and Pain to be headed by the cabinet-level position of Administrator of Apocalyptic Visioning. In view of the media’s biased insistence on reporting declines in unemployment and crime and increases in income and wealth, it has become necessary to have a countervailing research body to repeatedly point out all that is wrong with America including rusted-out factories, lawless inner cities and a depleted military. After all, you can’t make America great again until you have first identified it as a hopeless disaster.
     Tentative plans are also in the works to establish the Office of Non-conflict of Interest. Although the President has correctly pointed out that he is not subject to any conflict-of-interest laws, he nevertheless wishes to ensure the American people that he will, in any event, avoid any such situations. Since Mr. Trump has delegated the operation of his business empire to his two sons, who better to jointly head up this new office than Eric and Don, Jr. since they will be the best placed individuals to identify any potential conflicts.
     Finally, a new cabinet position dedicated to social media will soon be created. It has become apparent that, given his many responsibilities, President Trump will no longer be able to single-handedly tweet at his previous rate. Thus, a team of Washington-based trolls will be recruited, overseen by the Secretary of Executive Tweeting, to stand-in for him over the next three-and-a-half years. Late-night tweeting between the hours of 1 and 5 A.M. will remain the purview of Mr. Trump. 

Thursday, August 24, 2017

Zen And The Art Of Being The Donald

Herewith a selection of proverbs, koans and riddles from the recently discovered text Zen and the Art of Being The Donald:
“There is no such thing as a lie. The continued repetition of a falsehood eventually makes it true.”

“Watch and listen to the fox and his friends for they are the accurate reporters of truth.”

“Loyalty is a one-way street. Demand it from those around you but do not feel compelled to reciprocate.”

“Be careful to avoid repeating a word or phrase as some may see this as a tell indicative of untruthfulness.”

“Be cognizant of the difference between personal and corporate bankruptcy and use it to your full advantage.”

“If caught in a lie, simply add another, preferably a real whopper.”

“Remember that crowd size is nothing more than a rough estimate.”

“It is easier to insult than to answer the question.”

“Sticks and stones can break someone’s bones but names can truly hurt them.”

“A bush in the hand is worth exactly one grabbed pussy.”

“The one-eared man is king in the land of the tone deaf.”

“The only thing that is ultimately real about your journey is the individual you are cheating at the moment.”

“Whoever you are screwing over, dedicate yourself wholly to the task.”

“You are the most knowledgeable person in the universe.”

“When you remove something, burn it up completely, like a good bonfire, leaving no trace of your fingerprints.”

“Never fully reveal yourself or your tax returns.”

“When you reach the top, keep firing.”

“Order your steaks well done and your trusted friends rare.”

“To study Trumpism is to study me and me alone.”

“Beware the bearer of news for he and it are most likely fake.”

“Do not trust vote counts unless emanating from the Electoral College.”

“The menu is not the meal although the name can be the hotel.”

“Knowledge is unnecessary to rule.”

“Let your mind wander in the pure and simple, especially the simple.”

“Practice mindlessness until it becomes part of your daily life.”

“Be like the birds in the tree and tweet without thought.”

“Not thinking about anything is Zen. Not caring about anything is Trumpism.”

“No snowflake shall ever fall on the white house.”

“Listen to the sound of one hand shivving.”

“Do not seek the truth; only offer your opinions.”

“A government needs a liberal like a fish needs a bicycle.”

“If there is an alt-right there must also be an alt-left.”

“In the end, it’s all about me.”

Sunday, August 20, 2017

Trump's Promises Kept

     Donald Trump has been president for seven months now and some are wondering if he can ever make good on all of his campaign promises. But Mr. Trump is not backing away from his commitments. Seldom reliable sources have released the following transcript of a recent interview:
PromiseBuild a wall along the southern border
     Everyone says it can’t be done but it will be built and it will be great. In fact, it’s going to be the Great Wall of China. That’s right; I am such a great negotiator that I’m going to buy China’s wall at a bargain price.
     The Chinese are having some economic problems lately and are looking to help their bottom line. Their wall is hundreds of years old and has long ago been fully depreciated. Trust me; they don’t want it anymore.
     I’ll negotiate a fantastic price and, here’s the beautiful part, as part of the deal, I’ll get them to pay for dismantling the wall, transporting it and erecting it on the Mexican border.
     It’s going to be a beautiful wall and very, very effective. Look what it did for the Chinese for years, keeping out all those undocumented Mongol hordes.
     And the icing on the cake? Once the wall is up, it’s absolutely going to become a top tourist attraction and a huge revenue generator. And once you add in the new hotels and casinos, I predict it will pay for itself in three years.
PromiseBan all Muslim immigrants to the U. S. until we can figure out what’s going on
     Some so-called legal experts say such a ban is unconstitutional. Don’t know; don’t care. But it doesn’t matter since I’ve now seen all the top-secret security information and now I know what’s going on. So bing bing, bong bong bong, bing bing. That eliminates the need for the Muslim ban.
PromiseRepeal Obamacare and replace it with a more efficient and less expensive alternative
     We’ve got control of both houses of Congress so repealing Obamacare should have been a done deal by now. As for replacing it, I’ve got a brand new fantastic idea that I think is going to work bigly; it’s called Medicare.
     Ask your grandparents if they like their Medicare and I guarantee you they’ll say they love it. So what I’m suggesting is we just extend Medicare to cover everybody. It’s such a simple solution I bet even some of the Democrats in Congress will vote for it, except maybe those crazy old socialists like Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren.
PromiseJail Hillary Clinton
     I was prepared to have her prosecuted and sent to Guantanamo Bay. But, as you know, no one has more respect for women than me. So I found a neat compromise to avoid breaking my promise.
     You may not know it but I made a little deal with Obama when I met with him at the White House back in January. I told him I’d keep a couple of things from Obamacare if he would pardon Hillary before January 20th which he secretly did. So now my hands are tied.
PromiseHave the country say Merry Christmas again
     This one’s easy; just do it through tax incentives.

     If you include a video clip of yourself saying “Merry Christmas” with your next tax return, you’ll get a $100 tax credit. Trust me; folks will be saying Merry Christmas all year long.

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

The National Automobile Rights Association

  We here at the National Automobile Rights Association condemn in the strongest possible terms the heinous actions of one disturbed individual in Charlottesville, Virginia who used his vehicle in the most irresponsible manner to cause death and mayhem. This incident is just the latest in a series of tragedies in which foreign and domestic terrorists have used vehicles as weapons to wreak havoc on an innocent population.
     While we are saddened by the latest tragedy, we must speak out against those dangerous voices who use such events as an excuse to call for more automobile regulation. Already we are hearing the calls from liberals, militant cyclists and mass transit advocates to ban cars altogether.
     For years, we here at the NARA have been advocating for fewer regulations on our nation’s roads and highways. It has often been a losing battle but we will not stop in our efforts to protect our citizens’ driving rights and freedoms and to roll back the decades of restrictive rules and regulations. After all, as we often say: “Cars don’t kill people; drivers kill people.”
     This nation has long suffered at the hands of small-minded bureaucrats who have added one regulation after another until our individual driving freedom has been almost totally suffocated. We say that enough is enough; it’s time to fight back, repeal all restrictive licensing and driving rules and regulations and liberate America’s drivers.
     It is time to eliminate the requirement to classify your vehicle by weight and class and to obtain a registration within that class. Given the excessive fees, this constitutes nothing more than taxation without representation.
     It is also time to get rid of the requirement to obtain a driver’s license. There should be no limitations by age or experience. Leave it to individuals and parents to decide when and where someone can drive. Keep the nanny state out of America’s carports and garages.
      Halt the efforts of leftwing do-gooders and repeal requirements for mechanical upkeep, safety inspections and emissions testing. We must also liberate our nation from the tyranny of parking meters, opposite street parking and parking tickets. The Founding Fathers had no such limitations and clearly did not intend that we have them either.
     Furthermore, let’s put a stop to the myriad of highway traffic laws that limit the right to drive to such an extent that it’s hardly a right anymore. Such silly and excessive restrictions as traffic signs and lights, driving at required speeds and driving on the right do nothing more than drain the joy and freedom from driving.
     If we could do away with government interference in the ownership and operation of motor vehicles, we could save billions of dollars annually and decrease incidents of terrorist vehicular homicide. If everyone had unrestrained use of a car, there would be far fewer successful attacks since when someone started racing towards a crowd, there would likely be a driver nearby who could ram the offending vehicle and thereby save countless lives.
     The National Automobile Rights Association will continue to fight against further restraints and limits on our driving freedoms but it is a daunting task. To aid us in our battle, we ask for your support in passing a new Constitutional Amendment to read as follows:
          “A well travelled road and highway system being necessary for free movement
          within and between the States, the right of the People to own and drive cars
          shall not be infringed.”

Give what you can and remember our guiding words: "You can have my vehicle when 

you pry the steering wheel from my cold, dead hands."

Tuesday, August 08, 2017

West Wing Story: The Musical

    For some reason, the media seem to be obsessed with all of the recent changes to the current White House team. Sean Spicer and Reince Preibus are out and Sarah Huckabee Sanders and Anthony Scaramucci are in. And now Scaramucci is out and General Kelly is in.
     What reporters and commentators don’t seem to realize is that any large-scale musical production will see frequent changes in cast members over the life of the show. And the current smash hit playing at the White House is no exception.
     West Wing Story is the tale of a star-crossed self-lover named Donald Trump and his ultimately unsuccessful and tragic attempt to marry his one true love: himself.
     The musical begins with a threatened showdown between two Washington, D. C. gangs: the Donkeys and the Pachyderms. The Pachyderms are in disarray and looking to boost their chances by enlisting Donald and changing their name to the Trumps.
     When you’re a Trump,
     You’re a Trump all the way
     From your first outright lie
     To your last lyin’ day.

     When you’re a Trump,
     If the stuff hits the fan,
     You got kids all around,
     You’re a family man.

     You’re never alone,
     Your loyalty’s expected.
     Except if you fail
     Then you’ll be disconnected.
     You won’t be protected.

     All seems well until Donald falls in love with himself and threatens to violate the truce between the Donkeys and the Pachyderms and bring the whole gang structure tumbling down. Donald sings:
     The Donald…
     The most fantastic sound I ever heard:
     The Donald, The Donald, The Donald, The Donald….
     All the beautiful sounds of the world in a single word….
     The Donald, The Donald, The Donald, The Donald….
     The Donald!
     I’ve just met a guy named The Donald,
     And suddenly that name
     Will never be the same
     To me.
     The Donald!
     I’ve just seen a guy named The Donald,
     And suddenly I’ve found
     How wonderful a sound
     Can be!
     The Donald!
     Say it loud and there’s lots of spinning,
     Say it louder and there’s plenty of winning.

     The Donald!
     I’ll never stop loving The Donald!

     The most beautiful sound I ever heard.
     The Donald.

     Meanwhile, the Donkeys struggle to recover from The Donald’s victory and regain the ethnic votes they recently lost:
     I like to be in America!
     OK by me in America!
     Healthcare be free in America
     No insurance fee in America!

     Immigrants can in America!
     Tax-the-rich plan in America!
     Bernie still ran in America!
     No Muslim ban in America!

     But the Donkeys are no match for the self-adoring Donald who, despite breaking all the rules, still appeals to vast swaths of the electorate:
     I feel pretty,
     Oh, so pretty,
     I feel pretty and witty and in style!
     And I pity
     Any guy who hasn’t got my guile.

     I feel brilliant
     Oh, so brilliant,
     It’s resilient how brilliant I feel!
     And so pretty
     That I can’t believe I’m such a big deal.

     See the handsome guy in that mirror there:
     Who can that fantastic guy be?
     Such a handsome face,
     Such a handsome suit,
     Such a handsome weave,
     Such a handsome me!

     I like running
     And winning,
     Feel like lying and speaking profane.
     For it’s all to
     Make America great again.

     In a tragic twist, however, Donald’s own outlandish self-regard destroys his standing within the ranks of the Pachyderms and he ultimately falls from grace but not before one last plaintive plea:
     There’s a place for me,
     Somewhere a place for me.
     Pomp and power and love so rare 
     Wait for me

     There’s a crown for me,
     Somehow a king to be.
     Gilded scepter and golden throne,
     Time to rule, just me alone
     Some day!

     There’s a place for me,
     A place in history.
     If for once I could shut my mouth
     Decrease my ceaseless tweeting enough.
     Some day,

Friday, August 04, 2017

The Big Book Of Alternative Facts

     We here at TrumpConway Press are proud to announce our summer lineup of new books including The Big Book of Alternative Facts which is already receiving rave reviews (“Finally, a reliable, all-purpose reference source.” – S. Bannon, “It’s where I always go to get the real truth.” – S. Spicer).

     Here are a few excerpts from what is destined to be a modern classic in the field of reference works:
Science and Technology
page 36:  The earth is, in fact, flat. It is a disc-shaped planet around which the sun revolves.
page 41:  The “A” battery is a small battery slightly larger than the “AA” battery but which has unlimited power. It was suppressed by battery manufacturers to protect their profits.
page 45:  Climate change is a hoax perpetrated by the Chinese and by many embarrassed dinosaurs who actually perished from overeating.
page 52:  Evolution is nothing more than a specious theory. After all, America didn’t evolve into something great just by itself.
page 54:  The moon is not made of green cheese; it’s made of yellow cheese, probably a well-aged cheddar.
page 57:  Donald Trump invented Twitter in 2005 and gave it to Jack Dorsey to help him out.
page 59:  Although not yet publicly released, Sony has developed a microwave with a remotely-operated camera.    
page 62:  Barack Obama was born in Kenya and a picture of his real birth certificate can be found at
page 63:  Donald Trump’s election victory was the greatest of all time.
page 66:  Half of all votes cast in the 2016 presidential election in California were fraudulent.
page 76:  Chuck Schumer was born in Latvia in 1950 and has been a Russian spy for more than fifty years.
page 88:  9/11 was an inside job perpetrated by Hillary Clinton.
page 91:  JFK was assassinated by aliens rescued from the spaceship that crashed near Roswell, New Mexico in 1947.
page 92:  New York City, once known as New Amsterdam, was originally settled by a Dutchman named Donald Von Drumpf. His great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandson Donald Trump therefore has ownership of the entire island of Manhattan.
page 97:  The first manned powered flight was by Harold V. Trump in 1901, two years before the Wright Brothers.
page 100:  One of the worst terrorist incidents of the 21st century took place in Bowling Green, Sweden.
page 111:  Rosie O’Donnell is a no-talent hermaphrodite and not a very nice person.
page 121:  The Apprentice and Celebrity Apprentice were two of the most fantastic shows on television.
page 123:  Arnold Schwarzenegger is, and always has been, a bum.