It took awhile but President Donald Trump finally has a complete cabinet. Counting cabinet-level positions, there are 22 members including Vice President Mike Pence but it’s quickly looking like that may not be enough.
This year’s events have shown that there are new areas of responsibility for President Trump and his team that had not previously been contemplated under previous administrations.
First up will be the newly created post of Secretary of Crowd Size Estimation. The President’s press secretary was originally slated to cover what was assumed to be a minor responsibility. However, thanks to the biased and misleading crowd estimations provided by everyone from the FBI to various city police forces to almost all media outlets, it eventually became clear that a full-time secretary was required to oversee a new department comprising topnotch guesstimators and photo manipulators.
Next in line for consideration is a cabinet-level post tentatively entitled White House Chief of Alternative Facts. Thanks to Kellyanne Conway’s incisive identification of this new category of reality, a small team of expert exaggerators and falsehood fabricators will work out of the West Wing to provide media outlets with all the necessary alternatives to so-called fact-based assertions.
Serious consideration has also been given to creating the new cabinet position of Secretary of Late Night Humor Oversight. Given the cruel and malicious sketches appearing on certain live TV comedy shows, it was clear that steps had to be taken to rein in these insensitive, misguided and un-American attempts at political humor. The new secretary will oversee a staff of a dozen or more humor monitors who will make recommendations to the attorney general regarding possible legal action against these third-rate shows that nobody watches.
Also planned is the new Office of Carnage and Pain to be headed by the cabinet-level position of Administrator of Apocalyptic Visioning. In view of the media’s biased insistence on reporting declines in unemployment and crime and increases in income and wealth, it has become necessary to have a countervailing research body to repeatedly point out all that is wrong with America including rusted-out factories, lawless inner cities and a depleted military. After all, you can’t make America great again until you have first identified it as a hopeless disaster.
Tentative plans are also in the works to establish the Office of Non-conflict of Interest. Although the President has correctly pointed out that he is not subject to any conflict-of-interest laws, he nevertheless wishes to ensure the American people that he will, in any event, avoid any such situations. Since Mr. Trump has delegated the operation of his business empire to his two sons, who better to jointly head up this new office than Eric and Don, Jr. since they will be the best placed individuals to identify any potential conflicts.
Finally, a new cabinet position dedicated to social media will soon be created. It has become apparent that, given his many responsibilities, President Trump will no longer be able to single-handedly tweet at his previous rate. Thus, a team of Washington-based trolls will be recruited, overseen by the Secretary of Executive Tweeting, to stand-in for him over the next three-and-a-half years. Late-night tweeting between the hours of 1 and 5 A.M. will remain the purview of Mr. Trump.