Sunday, August 20, 2017

Trump's Promises Kept

     Donald Trump has been president for seven months now and some are wondering if he can ever make good on all of his campaign promises. But Mr. Trump is not backing away from his commitments. Seldom reliable sources have released the following transcript of a recent interview:
PromiseBuild a wall along the southern border
     Everyone says it can’t be done but it will be built and it will be great. In fact, it’s going to be the Great Wall of China. That’s right; I am such a great negotiator that I’m going to buy China’s wall at a bargain price.
     The Chinese are having some economic problems lately and are looking to help their bottom line. Their wall is hundreds of years old and has long ago been fully depreciated. Trust me; they don’t want it anymore.
     I’ll negotiate a fantastic price and, here’s the beautiful part, as part of the deal, I’ll get them to pay for dismantling the wall, transporting it and erecting it on the Mexican border.
     It’s going to be a beautiful wall and very, very effective. Look what it did for the Chinese for years, keeping out all those undocumented Mongol hordes.
     And the icing on the cake? Once the wall is up, it’s absolutely going to become a top tourist attraction and a huge revenue generator. And once you add in the new hotels and casinos, I predict it will pay for itself in three years.
PromiseBan all Muslim immigrants to the U. S. until we can figure out what’s going on
     Some so-called legal experts say such a ban is unconstitutional. Don’t know; don’t care. But it doesn’t matter since I’ve now seen all the top-secret security information and now I know what’s going on. So bing bing, bong bong bong, bing bing. That eliminates the need for the Muslim ban.
PromiseRepeal Obamacare and replace it with a more efficient and less expensive alternative
     We’ve got control of both houses of Congress so repealing Obamacare should have been a done deal by now. As for replacing it, I’ve got a brand new fantastic idea that I think is going to work bigly; it’s called Medicare.
     Ask your grandparents if they like their Medicare and I guarantee you they’ll say they love it. So what I’m suggesting is we just extend Medicare to cover everybody. It’s such a simple solution I bet even some of the Democrats in Congress will vote for it, except maybe those crazy old socialists like Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren.
PromiseJail Hillary Clinton
     I was prepared to have her prosecuted and sent to Guantanamo Bay. But, as you know, no one has more respect for women than me. So I found a neat compromise to avoid breaking my promise.
     You may not know it but I made a little deal with Obama when I met with him at the White House back in January. I told him I’d keep a couple of things from Obamacare if he would pardon Hillary before January 20th which he secretly did. So now my hands are tied.
PromiseHave the country say Merry Christmas again
     This one’s easy; just do it through tax incentives.

     If you include a video clip of yourself saying “Merry Christmas” with your next tax return, you’ll get a $100 tax credit. Trust me; folks will be saying Merry Christmas all year long.

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

The National Automobile Rights Association

PRESS RELEASE
  We here at the National Automobile Rights Association condemn in the strongest possible terms the heinous actions of one disturbed individual in Charlottesville, Virginia who used his vehicle in the most irresponsible manner to cause death and mayhem. This incident is just the latest in a series of tragedies in which foreign and domestic terrorists have used vehicles as weapons to wreak havoc on an innocent population.
     While we are saddened by the latest tragedy, we must speak out against those dangerous voices who use such events as an excuse to call for more automobile regulation. Already we are hearing the calls from liberals, militant cyclists and mass transit advocates to ban cars altogether.
     For years, we here at the NARA have been advocating for fewer regulations on our nation’s roads and highways. It has often been a losing battle but we will not stop in our efforts to protect our citizens’ driving rights and freedoms and to roll back the decades of restrictive rules and regulations. After all, as we often say: “Cars don’t kill people; drivers kill people.”
     This nation has long suffered at the hands of small-minded bureaucrats who have added one regulation after another until our individual driving freedom has been almost totally suffocated. We say that enough is enough; it’s time to fight back, repeal all restrictive licensing and driving rules and regulations and liberate America’s drivers.
     It is time to eliminate the requirement to classify your vehicle by weight and class and to obtain a registration within that class. Given the excessive fees, this constitutes nothing more than taxation without representation.
     It is also time to get rid of the requirement to obtain a driver’s license. There should be no limitations by age or experience. Leave it to individuals and parents to decide when and where someone can drive. Keep the nanny state out of America’s carports and garages.
      Halt the efforts of leftwing do-gooders and repeal requirements for mechanical upkeep, safety inspections and emissions testing. We must also liberate our nation from the tyranny of parking meters, opposite street parking and parking tickets. The Founding Fathers had no such limitations and clearly did not intend that we have them either.
     Furthermore, let’s put a stop to the myriad of highway traffic laws that limit the right to drive to such an extent that it’s hardly a right anymore. Such silly and excessive restrictions as traffic signs and lights, driving at required speeds and driving on the right do nothing more than drain the joy and freedom from driving.
     If we could do away with government interference in the ownership and operation of motor vehicles, we could save billions of dollars annually and decrease incidents of terrorist vehicular homicide. If everyone had unrestrained use of a car, there would be far fewer successful attacks since when someone started racing towards a crowd, there would likely be a driver nearby who could ram the offending vehicle and thereby save countless lives.
     The National Automobile Rights Association will continue to fight against further restraints and limits on our driving freedoms but it is a daunting task. To aid us in our battle, we ask for your support in passing a new Constitutional Amendment to read as follows:
          “A well travelled road and highway system being necessary for free movement
          within and between the States, the right of the People to own and drive cars
          shall not be infringed.”

Give what you can and remember our guiding words: "You can have my vehicle when 

you pry the steering wheel from my cold, dead hands."

Sunday, August 13, 2017

Golfing With The Donald

     Donald Trump is off on a 17-day vacation at his Bedminster, New Jersey golf course. It’s no surprise that the President’s favorite thing to do is to go golfing, especially on one of the many courses he owns. Thus, in order to get a better insight into the man, it might be useful to survey his views of some of his preferred links:
Trump National Golf Club, Washington, D.C.  
     “This is one of my favorite courses to play particularly since it’s so close to the White House and I can easily sneak away from those boring Cabinet meetings and fit in a quick nine. The course features beautiful views of the Potomac River and includes some very challenging holes. In particular, I have a hard time with No. 5, a 492-yard par 4. It’s not the length of the hole that troubles me; rather, it’s the nasty dogleg to the left. No matter what I do, I always seem to fade to the right.”
Trump International Golf Links, Aberdeen, Scotland
     “Everyone says this is the most fabulous golf course in Scotland. Well, almost everyone except for those nasty locals who tried to halt construction of this Trump masterpiece. Luckily, the amazing dunes and berms found throughout the course block the player’s view of these backwards yokels and ensure that your round is not spoiled by these crazy Scots. I call it my own personal Hadrian’s Wall. On the other hand, many of the holes have fantastic views of the coastline which are restricted to those like you and me who can afford the $300 greens fee.”
Trump National Golf Club, Mar-a-Lago, Florida
     “Although not the best course in my collection, I recently developed a soft spot in my heart for this layout mostly because I can fly there whenever I want and I don’t have to pay a cent. It’s all on the government’s dime, can you believe it? And the best part is I’ve got a whole contingent of Secret Service guys to track down any lost balls. Plus, they’re sworn to secrecy and can’t say anything when I shave the odd stroke or two from my score.”
Trump National, Los Angeles, California
     “I like this course a lot but I don’t visit very often because California is filled with millions of left wing losers and I don’t care to spend time with any of them. Still, it’s a nice course and I wish I could play it more often. Maybe when Congress finally passes the new healthcare legislation and I sign it into law, I can spend more time there since there will be fewer losers around to bother me. Plus, I do like meeting Hollywood celebrities because they fawn over me and let me grab them by the whatever.”
Trumpskaya International, St. Petersburg, Russia
     “Actually, if I’m being completely honest (which, of course, I always am), this one doesn’t exist yet; it’s still in the planning stages. My good friend Vladimir Putin gave me the go ahead last year but Jeff Sessions says it’s probably a good idea to hold off on starting construction until after all this silly Russia investigation nonsense goes away. I hope it happens real soon because I can’t wait to play it. Vlad says it’s going to be just like that one in Pyongyang, North Korea where Kim Jong Il scored a 38-under par on his first round ever with five holes-in-one but I’m sure I can do even better.”

Tuesday, August 08, 2017

West Wing Story: The Musical

    For some reason, the media seem to be obsessed with all of the recent changes to the current White House team. Sean Spicer and Reince Preibus are out and Sarah Huckabee Sanders and Anthony Scaramucci are in. And now Scaramucci is out and General Kelly is in.
     What reporters and commentators don’t seem to realize is that any large-scale musical production will see frequent changes in cast members over the life of the show. And the current smash hit playing at the White House is no exception.
     West Wing Story is the tale of a star-crossed self-lover named Donald Trump and his ultimately unsuccessful and tragic attempt to marry his one true love: himself.
     The musical begins with a threatened showdown between two Washington, D. C. gangs: the Donkeys and the Pachyderms. The Pachyderms are in disarray and looking to boost their chances by enlisting Donald and changing their name to the Trumps.
     When you’re a Trump,
     You’re a Trump all the way
     From your first outright lie
     To your last lyin’ day.

     When you’re a Trump,
     If the stuff hits the fan,
     You got kids all around,
     You’re a family man.

     You’re never alone,
     Your loyalty’s expected.
     Except if you fail
     Then you’ll be disconnected.
     You won’t be protected.

     All seems well until Donald falls in love with himself and threatens to violate the truce between the Donkeys and the Pachyderms and bring the whole gang structure tumbling down. Donald sings:
     The Donald…
     The most fantastic sound I ever heard:
     The Donald, The Donald, The Donald, The Donald….
     All the beautiful sounds of the world in a single word….
     The Donald, The Donald, The Donald, The Donald….
     The Donald!
     I’ve just met a guy named The Donald,
     And suddenly that name
     Will never be the same
     To me.
     The Donald!
     I’ve just seen a guy named The Donald,
     And suddenly I’ve found
     How wonderful a sound
     Can be!
     The Donald!
     Say it loud and there’s lots of spinning,
     Say it louder and there’s plenty of winning.

     The Donald!
     I’ll never stop loving The Donald!

     The most beautiful sound I ever heard.
     The Donald.

     Meanwhile, the Donkeys struggle to recover from The Donald’s victory and regain the ethnic votes they recently lost:
     I like to be in America!
     OK by me in America!
     Healthcare be free in America
     No insurance fee in America!

     Immigrants can in America!
     Tax-the-rich plan in America!
     Bernie still ran in America!
     No Muslim ban in America!

     But the Donkeys are no match for the self-adoring Donald who, despite breaking all the rules, still appeals to vast swaths of the electorate:
     I feel pretty,
     Oh, so pretty,
     I feel pretty and witty and in style!
     And I pity
     Any guy who hasn’t got my guile.

     I feel brilliant
     Oh, so brilliant,
     It’s resilient how brilliant I feel!
     And so pretty
     That I can’t believe I’m such a big deal.

     See the handsome guy in that mirror there:
     Who can that fantastic guy be?
     Such a handsome face,
     Such a handsome suit,
     Such a handsome weave,
     Such a handsome me!

     I like running
     And winning,
     Feel like lying and speaking profane.
     For it’s all to
     Make America great again.

     In a tragic twist, however, Donald’s own outlandish self-regard destroys his standing within the ranks of the Pachyderms and he ultimately falls from grace but not before one last plaintive plea:
     There’s a place for me,
     Somewhere a place for me.
     Pomp and power and love so rare 
     Wait for me
     Somewhere.

     There’s a crown for me,
     Somehow a king to be.
     Gilded scepter and golden throne,
     Time to rule, just me alone
     Some day!

     There’s a place for me,
     A place in history.
     If for once I could shut my mouth
     Decrease my ceaseless tweeting enough.
     Somehow,
     Some day,
     Somewhere! 

Friday, August 04, 2017

The Big Book Of Alternative Facts


     We here at TrumpConway Press are proud to announce our summer lineup of new books including The Big Book of Alternative Facts which is already receiving rave reviews (“Finally, a reliable, all-purpose reference source.” – S. Bannon, “It’s where I always go to get the real truth.” – S. Spicer).

     Here are a few excerpts from what is destined to be a modern classic in the field of reference works:
Science and Technology
page 36:  The earth is, in fact, flat. It is a disc-shaped planet around which the sun revolves.
page 41:  The “A” battery is a small battery slightly larger than the “AA” battery but which has unlimited power. It was suppressed by battery manufacturers to protect their profits.
page 45:  Climate change is a hoax perpetrated by the Chinese and by many embarrassed dinosaurs who actually perished from overeating.
page 52:  Evolution is nothing more than a specious theory. After all, America didn’t evolve into something great just by itself.
page 54:  The moon is not made of green cheese; it’s made of yellow cheese, probably a well-aged cheddar.
page 57:  Donald Trump invented Twitter in 2005 and gave it to Jack Dorsey to help him out.
page 59:  Although not yet publicly released, Sony has developed a microwave with a remotely-operated camera.    
Politics
page 62:  Barack Obama was born in Kenya and a picture of his real birth certificate can be found at BreitbartNews.com.
page 63:  Donald Trump’s election victory was the greatest of all time.
page 66:  Half of all votes cast in the 2016 presidential election in California were fraudulent.
page 76:  Chuck Schumer was born in Latvia in 1950 and has been a Russian spy for more than fifty years.
History
page 88:  9/11 was an inside job perpetrated by Hillary Clinton.
page 91:  JFK was assassinated by aliens rescued from the spaceship that crashed near Roswell, New Mexico in 1947.
page 92:  New York City, once known as New Amsterdam, was originally settled by a Dutchman named Donald Von Drumpf. His great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandson Donald Trump therefore has ownership of the entire island of Manhattan.
page 97:  The first manned powered flight was by Harold V. Trump in 1901, two years before the Wright Brothers.
page 100:  One of the worst terrorist incidents of the 21st century took place in Bowling Green, Sweden.
Entertainment
page 111:  Rosie O’Donnell is a no-talent hermaphrodite and not a very nice person.
page 121:  The Apprentice and Celebrity Apprentice were two of the most fantastic shows on television.
page 123:  Arnold Schwarzenegger is, and always has been, a bum.