Rumor has it that due to Donald Trump’s frequent reliance on nondisclosure agreements, he recently had his lawyers draw up a standard document that he could use to cover any anticipated situation. In keeping with the porous nature of the current White House, apparently someone has leaked the current version of that document which, if genuine (it’s not), reads as follows:
All-purpose Presidential nondisclosure agreement
This agreement dated ________ and signed and executed elsewhere than The White House is between:
The President, a.k.a. David Dennison, hereinafter referred to as DD or the party of the first part
- and –
The anonymous woman a.k.a. Peggy Peterson, hereinafter referred to as PP or the party of the second part
Whereas PP worked for, slept with and/or was groped by DD and DD wishes the details of their relationship/meeting/physical encounter to be secret, PP hereby agrees to remain silent about any personal, sexual or criminal interactions with DD.
In consideration of a payment of ________, PP agrees not to disclose to anyone the details of any relationship of any nature she had with DD including any recordings of that relationship be they in a written, photographic or digital format. In particular, and without restricting the generality of the foregoing, PP is prohibited from distributing nude or semi-nude pictures of DD or any pictures or descriptions of his hair, face, body or genitalia, the latter colloquially known as “dick pics.”
PP will not look directly to DD for payment of the agreed amount noted above. Rather, she will instead interact with one or more of DD’s lawyers. PP is required to deny any relationship or payment.
PP is prohibited from discussing the nature, quality or details of her interactions with DD in any way whatsoever; however, the following exceptions apply:
1. PP is permitted to characterize any sexual relationship she claims to have had with DD as “amazing”, “fantastic” or “the best sex ever.”
2. PP can use the following words to describe DD: “stud”, “macho guy”, “a man’s man”, “stallion” or “sex machine.”
3. PP may refer to DD as a “very stable genius” or the “greatest”, “smartest” or “best” president of all time.
4. PP may strenuously assert that she never engaged in any water sports colloquially known as “golden showers” with DD and that DD consistently characterized such acts as “gross”, “disgusting” and “unsanitary.”
If PP is in violation of any of the terms of this agreement, she must pay the reasonable penalty of a gazillion dollars for each infraction.
In the event that any sexual relationship should result in one or more issue or offspring, PP is to deny the paternity of DD unless DD wishes to acknowledge such paternity for his own purposes such as being evidence of his super-potency or serving to facilitate divorce proceedings against his current spouse.
This agreement shall be enforceable and in effect from now until eternity and shall be binding on the parties including any friends, relatives and descendants of PP throughout the planet Earth, the universe and beyond.
EXECUTED IN THE CITY OF ___________THIS ____ DAY OF ___________, 20__.
__________________________________ PP (signature mandatory)
__________________________________ DD (signature optional)