Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Bush Backs Barack

In a surprise move, George W. Bush has endorsed Barack Obama in this Tuesday’s election.  Although usually reluctant to get involved in current politics, the former president has decided to take the plunge and support the Democratic candidate.
“I know you all must think this is a crazy choice,” said Mr. Bush.  “But the more I looked at Barry’s record, the more I realized that we have a lot in common.  For example, we’ve both created trillion dollar deficits and we’ve both had to deal with ongoing wars in Iraq and Afghanistan.”
The Obama campaign has been caught off guard and appears unsure how to deal with this latest development.  Campaign spokesperson David Axelrod was less than enthusiastic about Mr. Bush’s endorsement.
“We want to thank Mr. Bush for coming out in support of President Obama,” said Axelrod. “But we already have the support of former presidents Jimmy Carter and Bill Clinton so I think an endorsement from a third ex-president would be overkill.”
Some have speculated that Mr. Bush’s decision was precipitated by Mitt Romney throwing him under the campaign bus in the second presidential debate.
“I have to be honest here and say that it did bother me when the Mittster trashed my record,” said the former president. “In fact, Barry had more nice things to say about me than he did.  But no, this endorsement is from the heart - wink, wink.”
The Romney campaign has publicly expressed its regret that former President Bush did not see fit to publicly support Governor Romney.  Privately, however, they couldn’t be happier.
“President Bush is free to support whoever he wants,” said a giddy Romney spokesperson Andrea Saul. “We are, of course, disappointed but perhaps it isn’t surprising that a big spending war hawk would go with one of his own.”
Faced with accusations that he purposely threw his support to Obama in order to undermine the incumbent’s chances, Mr. Bush was indignant.
“I assume that any presidential candidate would be thrilled to receive my okay,” said Bush.  “And I can’t imagine why anyone would turn it down - nudge, nudge.”
If the polling numbers start breaking Romney’s way, look for more surprise endorsements for President Obama including ones from Sarah Palin and Donald Trump.  Rumor has it that even Dick Cheney may go public with his support for Vice President Joe Biden.

Tuesday, October 09, 2012

Big Bird Gets the Boot

“I’m going to stop the subsidy to PBS.....I like PBS, I love Big Bird. Actually like you, too [Jim Lehrer]. But I’m not going to....keep on spending money on things to borrow money from China to pay for.”

- Mitt Romney - October 3, 2012

“I like being able to fire people....”

- Mitt Romney - January 9, 2012

Andrea, please show Mr. Bird in.

Big Bird, gosh, it’s good to see you. I’m a big fan. All my boys are big fans, too. Watched you for years. Can I call you Big?

Now Big, I think you know why I asked you here today. No? Well let me explain.

You see, I’m the President now. Yes, I won the election and that makes me the boss, the CEO if you will. Kind of like Jim Henson was for you.

What that means is I’ve got to run our country like a business and that means no deficits. From now on, if we have to borrow money for a program, it’s got to pass the China test.

Now when I say “program”, I don’t mean a TV program. Make no mistake; I like your TV program, always have. But we can’t borrow money from China to subsidize “Sesame Street.” It just doesn’t make good fiscal sense.

Yes, we did borrow money from China to subsidize Wall Street but that’s a different story.

Why if it had been up to me, we wouldn’t have borrowed from China to subsidize any street and that includes “Sesame Street”, Wall Street and especially Easy Street, the place where 47% of Americans live.

Let’s cut to the chase, Big. You’re fired. But just because I’m a businessman and like firing people doesn’t mean I’m not compassionate. We’re prepared to offer you what I think is a very generous severance package: one full year of free bird seed and six months of healthcare coverage except, of course, for any preexisting conditions such as flightlessness or gigantism.

We’re not cold-hearted, Big. In fact, we’re going to provide you with three months of outplacement services that can help you find another job in a related field or provide you with training to qualify for a brand new job.

Gosh, have you thought about applying to be a team mascot? You know, most professional sports teams employ an oversized animal to entertain the fans. Maybe you could try the Baltimore Orioles or the Seattle Seahawks.

Yes, I appreciate that you’re getting on in years and you might not be up for all the running and jumping involved in being a team mascot. But I’m sure there are lots of other opportunities out there for an oversized yellow bird with your talents. I understand that Walmart needs greeters and restaurant chains like Popeyes and KFC are always looking for birds.

If worst comes to worst, you can always retire. Don’t forget; there’s social security and your PBS pension to fall back on. Oh, gosh, my mistake. Well at least for now there’s still social security.

There, there, Bird, no more tears; dry those eyes. It’s not that bad. Why earlier today I had to fire Oscar the Grouch and to revoke the Swedish Chef’s work visa. So, believe me, it could be a whole lot worse.

Thanks again for coming. As I said, I’m a big fan. So no hard feelings, OK? Mr. Ryan here will take you back to your nest to collect your things and then escort you to the front door. We’ll be in touch.

Andrea, could you tell the Cookie Monster to come in and then Jim Lehrer?

Saturday, October 06, 2012

Sad States

“Mitt Romney launched a major ad blitz in eight key battleground states....two ads apiece in Colorado, Florida, Iowa, North Carolina and Ohio; three separate ads in Virginia; and one ad in Nevada and New Hampshire.”

- Yahoo News - September 7, 2012

More and more, U. S. presidential candidates are directing their campaign spending to a select number of states. These so-called swing-states are seen as the key to victory and the rest are almost ignored. Apparently that’s about to change if these states have their say:


“As Maine goes, so goes the nation.” At least that’s what they used to say. Now almost nobody pays attention to how I vote. Well, enough is enough. Remember that old battle cry from the Spanish-American War - “Remember The Maine”? I’ve got a new one: “Remember Maine - or else.” If I don’t get my fair share of election-year advertising spending, I’m going to hold my breath until I turn blue or possibly even red or I might just secede and join Canada.


Dude, what gives? Like I’ve got more voters than any other state but political ads here are as rare as Republicans in Hollywood although I guess that’s part of the problem. How come everyone thinks I’m a lock for the Democrats? Don’t forget; I elected Republican governors like Ronald Reagan, Pete Wilson and Arnold Schwarzenegger and I can do it again. That’s not a threat, man. I’m just saying, that’s all. Throw a little advertising love my way and we can all be happy.

The Dakotas

Despite what you might have heard, history shows we don’t always vote the same way. Just look at the 1916 election results. But since each of us has the total population of a large suburban city, no one pays us any attention. We finally figured out how to deal with these quadrennial slights. Last week we decided to join forces and vote in tandem and not necessarily Republican. Between the two of us we have well over a million people which means we’ll now have the political heft of bigger player-states. Watch out Idaho and Nebraska!


Hey! Look up here. Yeah, that’s right, up here past the lower 48. It’s one thing to ignore that little mid-Pacific pipsqueak Hawaii but, in the words of Donald Trump, I’m huge. I’m twice as big as Texas and none of you would ever dream of ignoring Texas, would you? Don’t take me for granted. I’m crazy; I could vote for anybody. Just ask Sarah Palin. So throw me a bone and I’ll do you a solid.


OK, yeah, I’m the smallest state by population with more cows than people but that’s no reason to dis me. And maybe I’ve voted Republican in every election since 1964 but that doesn’t mean things can’t change this year. If you spend a little ad money here and show me some respect, I could vote Democratic. Just don’t tell Dick Cheney. He gets really, really mad if I don’t do what I’m told.


You think you’ve got it tough, Wyoming? I’m so small, nobody notices me down here squeezed between New Jersey, Maryland and Pennsylvania. OK, at least I’m not Rhode Island but it’s still no picnic. Even Joe Biden left and he used to live in Scranton. So maybe I voted Democratic for the last twenty years but that doesn’t mean I can’t change. Hey, for the right price, I’m willing to do just about anything, even change my name to Tupperware. 

Wednesday, October 03, 2012

Real Debate Questions

It’s official; Wednesday night’s presidential debate will be a colossal waste of time. If you hadn’t guessed that already, it’s now a no-brainer after the Commission on Presidential Debates announced that it has shared the debate topics with the candidates ahead of time.

Since Obama and Romney have agreed not to ask one another questions or even to allow for rebuttals or follow-up questions, Wednesday night’s performance will be a debate in name only. In all likelihood, we’ll be watching two pre-programmed robots offering the same scripted responses they’ve been feeding the American public for months.

I, for one, would like to see a new debate format where the candidates are required to answer questions from average voters. If I was given the chance to participate, here are some of the potential questions of importance to me that I might put forward:

* The Houston Texans are playing the New York Jets this coming Monday night. What do you think the point spread should be and why? Would your answer be different if Tim Tebow replaces March Sanchez at quarterback?

* The National Hockey League owners have locked out the players and it looks like the season might be cancelled. Can you name the head of the N.H.L. or the Players’ Association and have you intervened to try to save the season and, if not, why not?

* I have a six-pack of Bud Light in the basement that I purchased in March. Can I still drink them or have they gone bad by now? If I had stored them in the refrigerator, would that change your answer?

* What are your views on casual Fridays in the workplace? Do you think jeans and t-shirts should be allowed? What rules apply in your workplace?

* If you kept seeing more and more hairs in the sink in the morning, would you ignore them or would you start thinking about hair replacement? Have you ever used Rogaine or considered a toupee? What have you done about your increasing back hair?

* When the bathroom sink gets clogged, do you call a plumber or do you man up and try to fix the problem yourself? If the latter, what steps would you take and what size pipe wrench would you use?

* Where do you stash your personal collection of men’s magazines so your wife can’t find them? Do you keep the videos in the same location?

* The basement is so full of junk you can hardly move down there. Your wife has been nagging you for months to clean it out but you just haven’t found the time. Would you recommend a garage sale, hauling the stuff to the curb or just ignoring the problem? Support your answer with examples from your personal experience.

* It’s Saturday night. You’ve had a long work week and you’d really just like to sit back and watch some sports on TV but your wife is insisting you go out. How do you convince her to let you stay at home?

* Say you end up having to go to the opera on Saturday night after all. What’s the best way to survive the performance without really pissing off your wife?

* You’ve got a 1963 MGB four-cylinder roadster in the garage that you’ve been working on for close to ten years now. Trouble is that you haven’t been able to find a four-speed gearbox with a non-synchromesh, straight-cut first gear. Where can I get a reconditioned gearbox and how do I install it? There is some urgency in this question as my wife is pestering me to “get rid of your silly toy.”

* When you’re barbecuing steaks, do you use a charcoal grill or a gas grill? If the former, what type of charcoal do you use and how do you test for doneness? Any suggestions for a good barbecue sauce?

* How do you make a stinger, a rusty nail and a manhattan? Do you prefer them on the rocks or straight up?

* Do you rent or own? They say when you rent you’re just throwing your money way. What’s your experience and what would you suggest? Can you recommend a good real estate agent?