Thursday, May 25, 2006

The Bush Model 2004

This one is from the 2004 election:

The Republican National Committee is proud to announce the introduction of the Bush Model 2004. We’ve retained all the simple features and Texan charm that made the Model 2000 such a surprising success. At the same time, we’ve totally redesigned the unit to appeal to a clear majority of Americans.

You’ll still find the same great tax cutting ability that first attracted you to the Bush Model 2000. All we’ve done is adjust it slightly to more clearly favor upper income brackets.

Many of our customers liked the "compassionate conservatism" of the Model 2000. But our marketing surveys revealed that some of you were unclear on the concept and still others were disappointed with the results.

So this year, we’ve reintroduced "compassionate conservatism" on the Bush Model 2004 but we’ve made it less complicated and easier to understand. Now when programming such initiatives as education, social security and healthcare, users will not be confused when they see a net fiscal reduction. Yet, just as with the Model 2000, there will still be an overall increase in perceived accomplishment.

Some of our customers were not entirely satisfied with the Model 2000's isolationist tendencies. As you may know, we moved quickly to address those complaints.

Starting in September of 2001, we began redesigning the Bush’s extraterritorial capabilities. The Model 2004 has a whole new powerful, kick-ass world view. And unlike the earlier Bush Model 1992, the Model 2004 has a unilateral option that promises quicker response time and multiple war fronts.

Some customers expressed concern about the Bush’s ability to function as a standalone unit. They liked the Cheney backup feature on the Model 2000 and wanted to see it retained.

We’re happy to announce that this year’s Bush will still have the powerful Cheney feature running silently in the background to ensure that the Model 2004 runs smoothly. And that means, of course, that you’ll still also get the special Rove system support package that helps keep the Bush on the far right track.

We’re confident that the improvements we’ve made to the Model 2004 will result in a political system that more than 50% of you will choose. And even if we fall a bit short of our goal, rest assured that this year’s unit can always rely on the Supreme Court failsafe option that worked so well for its predecessor.

We know you’re going to love the Bush Model 2004. Even if it doesn’t meet your individual needs, you know it’s what’s best for the country. And we’ll be working hard over the next few years to build an even bigger and better Bush - the Jeb Model 2008.

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