Wednesday, September 23, 2009

The Rudies

Rapper Kanye West has apologized for his outburst at the recent MTV Video Music Awards. But it doesn’t look like it will affect his chances of winning a Rudie at the upcoming first annual Rude and Offensive Celebrities Awards show to be held in New York City next month.

"Of course we prefer to see rude incidents untainted by subsequent apologies," said ROCA’s Honorary Chairman Dick Cheney. "But I understand that not all celebrities have the ability to never admit fault and never say they’re sorry. That’s why we try to judge each entrant only on the inherent rudeness of his or her particular performance"

For his part, Mr. West is cautiously optimistic about his chances of winning a Rudie.

"I’ve been disappointed by bad ass judges so many times that I don’t want to get my hopes up," said West. "But I do know one thing; if I don’t win this award, you’ll definitely hear about it."

Just like other award shows, the Rudies provide a wide array of categories for celebrity complainers to compete in. For example, this year, it looked like the Rudest Politician of the Year award was going to be a close contest between former governors Sarah Palin and Rod Blagojevich. But a surprise last minute nomination for little known South Carolina Congressman Joe Wilson now appears to make him the odds-on favorite.

"Saying the President lied in front of a joint session of Congress definitely merits consideration," said Dick Cheney. "Particularly when he didn’t. Believe me; I know the power of the big lie and this guy Wilson showed some big time rudeness that deserves to be recognized."

In the world of sports, there are plenty of nominees in each individual category from Barry Bonds to Brett Favre to John McEnroe. But when it comes to overall sports rudeness, the hands down winner this year is likely to be tennis star Serena Williams for abusing not only her racket but also a diminutive U. S. Open line judge.

Serena has promised to show up for the awards show and hopes to graciously accept a trophy in one or more categories. If not, however, she is prepared, as she put it, to "shove the **** trophy down someone’s throat."

This year’s awards ceremony will be broadcast from the Capital of Rude: New York City. Co-hosted by the Kings of Rude, Rush Limbaugh and Glen Beck, the show will start at 9 P.M. and finish whenever the organizers damn well feel like it.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Obama the Socialist

Certain conservative commentators have criticized President Obama’s recent address to the students at Wakefield High School in Arlington, Virginia as a political attempt to indoctrinate America’s children to his socialist agenda. While some have since backed off from those criticisms after actually hearing the President’s speech, a more careful reading of the text suggests that their initial instincts may well have been right.

Check out the introduction. In it, Obama says that some of the students were probably wishing that it was still summer and that they could’ve stayed in bed a little longer. Isn’t that just typical of our Grasshopper-in-Chief? Stay in bed kids and let the ants do all the work. Don’t worry about the coming winter; the government will take care of you.

Then Obama goes on to say that he knows that feeling himself since he lived in Indonesia for a few years. Indonesia. Isn’t that one of those Muslim socialist states? I’m just saying, that’s all. And by the way, we still haven’t seen that American birth certificate, Mr.-so-called-President.

Obama said he wanted to talk to the students about what’s expected of them this new school year. If that sounds like a call to arms to a new socialist agenda, you’re probably right. What needs changing anyway? The three Rs were good enough for you and me and they should be good enough for a leftie like Obama, too.

Then the President urged the children to not spend every waking hour with an Xbox. How anti-capitalist is that? Since when do we urge our citizens not to buy and use consumer goods? And why would he trash the Xbox and not mention the Nintendo Wii? It sounds like Obama has a plan alright; a plan to allow American children only one government-approved amusement device in their homes.

Some would say his call to students to study so they can become Supreme Court justices is laudable. Think again. All this sinister man is doing is inculcating socialist thoughts into the heads of our students so that some day he’ll have even more left-leaning robots as potential candidates for his Supreme Socialist Court.

It doesn’t take a genius to see what Obama is up to. In fact, you don’t even have to read between the lines. At one point he refers to the thinking skills students can gain from "history and social studies." Social studies? Whatever happened to good old-fashioned, 1950s-style "citizenship education"?

And then he tells our kids to spend more time each day reading. Reading what, Mr. President? "Das Kapital" and "The Communist Manifesto"? No wonder he’s urging our young people to turn off their TVs.

Obama finishes off his speech by urging the students to ask for help when they need it. Help, as in assistance as in social assistance? How un-American is that? You made it on your own and I made it on my own and our kids will make it on their own, too, without any "help" from pinkos like Obama.

Now, as for the President’s address tonight on healthcare reform to a joint session of Congress, don’t get me started.

Tuesday, September 01, 2009

Money For Nothing

"Cash for Clunkers" is over but that’s apparently not the end of the financial stimulus programs under consideration by the Obama administration. Check out these upcoming initiatives:

Bucks for Bikes
In the same vein as "Cash for Clunkers", "Bucks for Bikes" has been designed to revive America’s moribund bicycle manufacturing industry. Consumers will be able to turn in their ancient Schwinns, Raleighs and banana bikes for snazzy new 18-speed, titanium racing machines and get cash rebates of up to $500. Currently there are roughly zero bike plants in the United States but it is hoped this program will triple that number by next year.

Dough for Doughnuts
Economists have shown that the most effective stimulus is at the basic retail level. And the easiest way to get more bang for the government buck is to subsidize something every American likes: doughnuts. This plan calls for a ten cent discount on every doughnut sold. Not only will this program help out bakeries and doughnut shops from coast to coast, it should also save money by reducing the number of Americans who live long enough to collect Social Security.

Pesos for Pedros
Looking to solve the ongoing problem of illegal immigration, the Obama administration hopes to implement its new "Pesos for Pedro" program. Government economists have crunched the numbers and determined that the breakeven point for most illegal aliens from south of the border is about $4,500. So the feds plan to offer $5,000 and a free bus ticket home to any illegal willing to sign on. Given the current state of the economy, however, there is some concern that there may not be sufficient funds available since many American citizens may also opt for the offer.

C-notes for B-flats
Billed as a win-win program, "C-notes for B-flats" will grant $100 to any music student willing to buy a clarinet, trumpet or saxophone. Not only will the education system benefit, the entire musical instrument industry will get a much-needed boost. If successful, the government hopes to expand the program to include other band and orchestral instruments under related programs like "Hundreds for Horns", "Benjamins for Basses" and "Franklins for Fiddles."

Greenbacks for Guns
Most politicians are loathe to touch the issue of gun control. But the current administration thinks they have the answer in "Greenbacks for Guns." They may not be able to slow the sale of guns but they do hope to stop the spread of weapons by offering cash incentives to Americans to turn in their personal arsenals. At worst, the program will simply give the firearms industry a lift. At best, it might keep town hall meetings gun-free.

Money for Nothing
That’s right; it’s "Money for Nothing." Sounds great, right? But sadly for you, it’s a large-scale program designed only for banks and other financial institutions. Don’t mistake this for last year’s bailout. That plan had strings attached and payback provisions. This one consists of outright gifts. After all, if you can’t trust the banks to use the money sensibly, who can you trust?