Saturday, December 09, 2017

Donnie's Diary

Folks might be wondering about President Trump’s commitment to the Mexican border wall since he rarely tweets about the subject. However, it looks like he actually does give it top priority if the following leaked entries from his secret diary can be believed:
May 22, 2017

     My pal Benji came to visit me at the White House. He’s the leader of Israel and he said he’s got one of the bestest, most fabulous walls in the world. It’s called the West Bank Barrier and it’s huge. Benji says he’d love to sell it to me but he still needs it to keep the terrorists out. I asked him when he thinks he might be able to unload it and he said roughly around the time when hell freezes over.
July 6, 2017
     That Angela Merkel broad from Germany may have a used wall that we can buy. My people tell me that there used to be a big concrete barrier in Berlin that stood for close to thirty years. The trouble is Ronnie Reagan told some guy named Gorbachev to tear it down and that’s what happened. Even if we could find the pieces, the wall was only about a hundred miles long so it would probably only block off Tijuana.
July 13, 2017
    Met with that little French guy Macron again. I can’t understand a word he says but his wife sure is a looker. Anyway, I finally buttonholed a translator and he said that Macron was babbling on about a proposed wall for me. He said France had a fabulous wall called the Maginot Line that France apparently built after World War I to keep out the krauts. I’m not sure why but apparently he’s willing to take a loss on it and sell it to me for pennies on the franc. I’ll ask my engineers to look into it.
July 20, 2017
     Donnie, Jr. checked out my new golf course in Scotland. It’s a beauty complete with lots of berms to block out my nasty Scottish neighbors. For people who invented golf, they can be real idiots. Anyway, the manager of my new course told Donnie, Jr. all about this wall in Scotland which no one is using because apparently no one’s trying to get into Scotland. Go figure. It’s called Hadrian’s Wall but it’s not for me as it is way too short and has been fully depreciated for centuries. Like most things Scottish, it’s crap and my son should have known better.
November 7, 2017
     Visited South Korea today and took a few more shots at that clown Kim Jong-un. Turned down a chance to visit the DMZ which I assumed was a big department store or something. Mike Pence already visited it back in April and told me I missed a great barrier. Apparently DMZ stands for demilitarized zone and it’s a two-and-a-half mile buffer area complete with weapons, fences and walls. I made some discrete enquiries as to whether it’s currently on the market but surprisingly no one has gotten back to me yet.
November 10, 2017

     Had a great meeting with Chinese President Xi Jinping. We discussed all kinds of things like trade deficits and North Korea. What I didn’t expect was Xi cleverly taking Melania on a tour of his wall while I headed off to Vietnam. I had no idea he had such a long, tall, fabulous structure. It’s just what I’m looking for. I think Xi is playing it coy and not mentioning a possible sale but instead just teasing us with a quick view. The thing is he doesn’t know who he’s dealing with. If he thinks he can out-deal a dealer, he’s sadly mistaken. I’ll pay a fair price but I’m no chump. Still, it’s definitely a great wall and I want it. 

Sunday, December 03, 2017

Narcissist of the Year

Donald Trump tweeted that Time Magazine had conditionally offered him their title of “Person of the Year” but he “took a pass.” However, it looks like the president simply misinterpreted his recent conversation with the magazine, a leaked transcript of which follows:
Time Magazine:  Hello, sir. I’m calling on behalf of Time Magazine. As a valued subscriber, we want to offer you a renewal of your subscription at a very special price.

Donald Trump:  Yes, of course I must be a valued subscriber since you made me “Person of the Year” last year. I assume you want to renew that honor for this year.
Time Magazine:  I don’t know, sir. I’m just calling from our customer service call center. Your name came up on my screen. You are Mr. D. Trump, correct?
Donald Trump:  That’s President Donald Trump, current “Person of the Year.” Look, I’m going to make this easy for you. You want to make me “Person of the Year” and I’m quite happy to accept. After all, most people are saying that I’m a slam dunk for the cover.
Time Magazine:  Mr. Trump, I don’t know anything about that. If, as you say, you are president, I’m sure you’re in the running but that’s not my department.
Donald Trump:  I know you “fake media” folks like to play coy but either I’m on the cover or not. There’s no maybe about it so what are you offering me?
Time Magazine:  Well, sir, I can offer you a full year renewal for the low, low price of $9.99 plus tax. Or, if you really want to save, we can renew you for three years for only $20.19.
Donald Trump:  “Person of the Year” for 2018 and 2019? Fine with me but I resent that you want to charge me for this.
Time Magazine:  No, sir, I have nothing to do with “Person of the Year.” I’m just offering you an extension of your magazine subscription.
Donald Trump:  Forget it. Either I’m “Man of the Year” or I’m not. No guarantee, no deal. Otherwise I’ll just print my own cover. Let me speak to your supervisor.
Time Magazine:  Mr. Trump? I’m José, the call center supervisor. I understand you’re not happy with our renewal offer.
Donald Trump:  That’s right, José or whatever your name is. I was “Person of the Year” last year, I should be “Person of the Year” this year and I should be again next year and the year after that. Even that loser Obama was named twice.
Time Magazine:  I don’t know anything about that, Mr. Trump, except to say that, in my experience, a sitting president only gets a second cover if he does something extraordinary like get reelected, start a war, cause a scandal or get impeached.
Donald Trump:  OK. Give me a few days. I’ve got your number. I’ll get back to you.

(dial tone)