Monsieur Romney

After attacking the former governor of Massachusetts for being a “moderate” – a bad word in Republican circles – the ad’s narrator says: “And just like John Kerry, he speaks French too.”

- The Globe & Mail - January 13, 2012

Politics can be a nasty business what with candidates attacking not only one another’s positions but also their traits and personalities. But it looks like the current campaign for this year’s Republican presidential nomination has sunk to a new low.

Newt Gingrich has taken off both gloves and come out swinging against Mitt Romney by portraying him as that most hated of people - a francophone. What can the former governor do now? It’s impossible to prove a negative - i.e. - that he can’t speak French. And any use of the French language would just make matters worse. Or would it?

Perhaps Romney’s best defense is a good offense. It’s time for the Mittster to go on the attack and celebrate his Frenchiness, perhaps with an attack ad of his own like this one:

Camera pans across a private library filled with leather-bound books and lights on a distinguished-looking Mitt Romney seated at an impressive oak desk.

“My fellow Americans. As I seek to become your next president, it saddens me to see my opponents stooping to nastier and nastier tactics. Rather than debate me on the issues, they are now engaging in ad hominen attacks. Ad hominen, of course, being Latin meaning attacks against me personally.

“Yes, I understand Latin; I even speak a bit of it. And there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s a dead language, you see. Contrary to the view of Rick Perry, it is not the lingua franca (there’s that Latin again) of Latin America. As far as I know, they still speak mostly Spanish and Portuguese down there.

“I have to admit that I also speak a little Spanish. Un poco, as they say, and I’m proud to own up to that. After all, our Hispanic brothers and sisters in this great land of ours make up a sizable percentage of the electorate and I’d like to think that we are sympatico.

“Which brings me to the subject of French. Yes, I do know some French. There I’ve said it. And, quite frankly, there’s nothing wrong with that.

“Much of our own American language is based on French. Take coup de grâce, for example, which is something I’d like to deliver to my bête noire Newt Gingrich this Saturday in South Carolina.

“So if one of us happens to know quelques mots en français, what’s the big deal? It’s not like that makes me an adulterer or a surrender monkey.

“I think it’s about time we celebrated a candidate’s linguistic abilities in this country. It’s time we stopped insisting that you have to be unilingual, or in the case of George W. Bush non-lingual, to serve in The White House.

“I understand some French. I can write some French. And I can even speak a bit of the language. Just enough, in fact, to tell those wine-guzzling, cheese-loving, shower-avoiding snobs to laissez-nous tranquilles.

“Knowing French is not a weakness. Being French, on the other hand, is. And when it comes time to keep those Frenchies in their place, I’ll be le president who can do it in both languages.”

The Secret Handbook

If you’ve been following the Republican leadership race (and who hasn’t?), you’re probably wondering how the various candidates are able to consistently stay on message. You’re probably also wondering why there is so little difference between their positions. The answer lies in an unknown, recently-leaked manual called "The Secret Handbook for Republican Presidential Candidates." Here are some of its entries:
Age, Sex and Race
The Republican Party prides itself on being an equal opportunity elector. We don’t care whether you’re young or old, male or female or black or white. Heck, we don’t even care if you’re Hispanic. But the one thing we do ask is that you be rich....really, really rich. Electoral politics is not for the faint of heart and definitely not for those light in the wallet.
Religion
It’s really pretty simple; Christ must be your personal savior, preferably in the context of a fundamentalist strain of Christianity. No exceptions. Sorry Joe Lieberman. We try to be as flexible as possible on this matter which is why we’ve kind of looked the other way for that Mitt Romney fellow. But, truth be told, we’d be more comfortable with an out-and-out born-again Baptist.
Affairs (the Newt Gingrich Rule)
It’s OK to have an affair so long as it was in the last century and you’ve shown at least some remorse. Recent affairs, however, or ones lasting longer than twelve years will be fatal to any candidate unless she’s a woman. After all, we’re not Democrats.
Brain Freezes (the George W. Bush Rule)
Good ole boy impressions are perfectly acceptable. So, too, are the occasional malapropism and slip-up. But beware of lowering your perceived IQ under the political Mendoza line (as of today, about 90). One or two brain freezes won’t necessarily be fatal unless followed by a double mistake on who can vote and when. We’ve added a Rick Perry Corollary this year, also known as the Two-drink Maximum Rule.
Taxes (the Grover Norquist Rule)
This one’s pretty simple. No new taxes. Period. Fullstop. Exclamation point. Don’t even waffle on this one (are you listening Jon Huntsman?) or say "Read my lips." And don’t forget; ‘no new taxes’ is just the minimum position. If you actually want to win the nomination, you have to propose lowering taxes, especially for the wealthy. Acceptable positions include "a flat tax", "no tax" or even "9-9-9," whatever the heck that means.
Gun Control (the Charlton Heston Rule)
Republicans like guns. And we like others to like guns, too. That’s why we support the right to bear arms and, if necessary, arm bears. Whatever it takes to keep freedom ringing loud and clear in our streets in the middle of the night is fine by us. If you absolutely, positively have to waffle on this issue, you can always claim to be a bit of a moderate and propose personal limitations on small, handheld nuclear weapons.
A Mexican Fence
When it comes to immigration, the minimum acceptable position is a fence along the Mexican border. What kind of fence or how tall is entirely up to you. Ten feet, twenty feet, wire mesh, concrete, electrified. Be creative. How about an alligator-filled moat or a tourist-themed Great Wall of Texas?
A Female Candidate (the Sarah Palin Rule)
If you wish to be the first female Republican presidential candidate, stay out of the race. That way you can’t screw up and, with any luck, by the time the convention rolls around, there’ll be no one left to run except for you. This is also known as the anti-Michele Bachman Rule.
Libertarians (the Ron Paul Rule)
We welcome libertarians into the Republican Party. We’re just not that keen on having them run as president. Let’s face it; every party needs a little comic relief and Ron Paul is both little and comic, kind of our version of Dennis Kucinich. But there’s no point in making the next election any easier for Obama than it has to be.

Who's Naughty or Nice

Ho! Ho! Ho! Santa Claus here and I want to answer some special letters I received this Christmas season. It’s not just kids who write me looking for presents, you know. This year I got some written requests from a few grownups, too.
Although Santa tries to get every kid who writes to him a present that he or she really wants, that same rule doesn’t always apply to these older correspondents. More often than not, I find it’s better to give them something they actually need.

Barack Obama
Ever since he was a little boy in Indonesia, Barack has been asking to live in a big white house. I finally managed to make that one happen for him but now he’s asking for everything under the sun like a Democratic-controlled Congress and a five percent unemployment rate. Hey, I’m Santa, not a miracle worker. There’s only so much I can do. But I do know what Barack needs and that’s why this Christmas I’m going to bring him a kick in the pants, a stiffer spine and a crazy Republican presidential nominee.

Hillary Clinton
I remember Hillary when she went by the name of Rodham which was right up to 1992, as I recall. Anyway, poor Hillary has not always gotten what she wanted for Christmas including the Democratic nomination in 2008 and a faithful husband. But that doesn’t mean that this is her year. I know she’d like to see her boss trip up and take a political face-plant but I’m going to save her best present for 2016.

Mitt Romney
Little Mitt has had it pretty easy all these years. His dad was the head of American Motors and the governor of Michigan so he got just about everything he wanted. That included the governorship of Massachusetts and a cushy corporate gig. Now he says he wants the Republican nomination. Before he gets that gift, however, I think he needs a few other things like a personality de-stiffener, a consistent platform and maybe a new style of underwear.

Newt Gingrich
I’ve known Newt since he was knee-high to a grasshopper which, ironically, makes a great meal for a newt. It’s been hard trying to keep up with his Christmas wishes over the years since he keeps changing his mind on such things as ethical standards, consulting contracts and wives. Now he says he wants to run the whole dang country. This year, however, I think I’m just going to give him what he really needs: a daily dose of humility and a five-second delay when speaking.

Ron Paul
From the moment he could talk, little Ronnie was the odd child. He never wanted more; he always wanted less. As in less government, less spending, less foreign involvement. Now he’s actually asking me for something more, namely the Republican presidential nomination. Before I can do that, however, I’m going to have to get him a moderate platform and a whole new personality. Until then, he’ll have to make do this year with a leather-bound collection of the works of Ayn Rand.

Rick Perry
At least there’s one guy whose wants are the same as his needs. That’s why I’ll be putting a one-way ticket back to Austin in Rick Perry’s stocking this Christmas.

The Last Liberal Republican

The last living liberal Republican has decided to disown that label. Tired of being called a "liberal" or even a "socialist", Dirk Delaney, 76, of Providence, Rhode Island could no longer take the incessant ridicule and finally gave up.
In the last century, liberal Republicans once roamed the American political landscape in huge numbers. They were heard to regularly proclaim their liberal social views on op-ed pages, at national conventions and even during presidential elections.
"I remember when we had a real say in the Republican Party," said Delaney. "Why we once even had one of our own as Vice President."
"You remember Nelson Rockefeller, don’t you?" questioned Mr. Delaney plaintively. "He was a liberal Republican, you know."
But those days of left-leaning Republicans thriving in large numbers in every state of the union (except possibly Idaho) are long over. The socially progressive member of the G.O.P. seems to have gone the way of the dodo bird.
In recent years, sightings of liberal Republicans had become rarer and rarer. It was thought that there might still be some small groups of these exotic creatures in sanctuaries in the northeast but they were seldom spotted in public or in print.
"I know there were a few left," said Delaney. "But they would only reveal themselves to me in private. They were afraid to go public for fear of being labelled ‘pinkos’, ‘commies’ or, even worse, ‘Democrats.’ It got so bad that even the moderate ones were loath to admit that they had once voted for Richard Nixon or Gerald Ford."
Now that Mr. Delaney has foresworn the hated label, there may be no one left to carry on the once-proud tradition of liberal Republicanism. In fact, rumor has it that an application has been made to formally induct that phrase into the Oxymoron Hall of Shame.
"I had great hopes for that Mitt Romney fellow," said Delaney. "His father George was a liberal Republican, you know. But you’d never know it to listen to his son. I don’t think he even acknowledges his real father anymore. The last I heard, he said his dad was a poor, hardworking dirt farmer who died when Mitt was just an infant."
With the disappearance of the last liberal Republican, the G.O.P. is reportedly marking the transition by changing its informal description as "the party of Lincoln" to "the party of Reagan" or possibly even the "G.O.T.P.", as in the Grand Old Tea Party.

Republican Idol

The next presidential election is almost a year away and already there have been a dozen Republican presidential debates with plenty more to come. Apart from their sheer number, perhaps the most surprising fact about these encounters is their high TV ratings.

In view of those ratings, rumor has it that at least three major TV networks are in a bidding war to make the debates an ongoing weekly series. Recently leaked draft scripts hint at what we can expect from future episodes:

Thursday, November 17th

Mitt Romney tires of endlessly debating and getting no bump in the polls. The former Massachusetts governor decides to take a pass on the next debate but doesn’t know how to do it without causing a big ruckus. Romney finally decides to announce a fake religious holiday on November 17th called the Mormon Day of Silence when the faithful must not speak for 24 hours. The candidate shows up anyway, keeps his vow of silence and sees his polling numbers double overnight.

Thursday, November 24th

All but counted out of the race, Rick Perry chooses to play to his strength: hilarious miscues. The Texas governor decides to become the leading Republican joker and walks onto the debate stage dressed as a Thanksgiving turkey. Perry stumbles, stutters and, when asked, is unable to come up with even one policy position. Leaving the audience in stitches, he declares himself America’s comedian-in-chief. Sadly, his presidential polling numbers keep falling although, on the plus side, his vice presidential numbers soar.

Thursday, December 1st

Herman Cain continues to battle allegations of sexual harassment and yet still retains high polling numbers. Figuring that denial equals success, the former pizza chain exec decides to deny unreported incidents of sexual misconduct, drugs and even money laundering. The other candidates are mystified as Cain’s numbers rise faster than warm pizza dough.

Thursday, December 8th

Ron Paul’s frustration at being a perennial also-ran finally shows through. The charisma-challenged candidate figures that if sex scandals helped Herman Cain’s standing, they can do the same for him. During the debate, Paul claims that he slept with seven women, two men and a goat ---- all at the same time. However, no one believes him and his numbers drop like Ayn Rand’s popularity at a socialists’ convention.

Thursday, December 15th

Seeing no movement in her campaign, Michele Bachmann takes a giant risk and dresses up as Sarah Palin for the latest debate. Neither her husband Marcus nor Newt Gingrich notices Bachmann’s transformation although Gingrich does become strangely aroused. At first, the crowd responds positively but when the disguised Bachmann continues to speak in mostly complete sentences, the ruse is revealed and the audience turns on her.

Thursday, December 22nd

In this Christmas episode, the debate regulars get a surprise visit from President Obama who joins the Republican presidential hopefuls on stage. When asked what he’d most like from Santa for Christmas this year, Obama replies: “World peace and ABM - anyone but Mitt.”

More Cherry Apologies

In an event rarer than a solar eclipse, Don Cherry has apologized. After tearing a strip off former tough guys Stu Grissom, Chris Nilan and Jim Thomson, calling them “hypocrites”, “pukes” and “turncoats”, the “Hockey Night in Canada” blowhard took it all back.

At first it was assumed that the apology was sincere and heartfelt. But given the threatened legal action by Messrs. Grissom, Nilan and Thomson, it appears that Mr. Cherry’s ‘mea culpa’ was more motivated by fear of financial loss than sincere regret. In fact, some other threatened lawsuits may explain these additional unexpected apologies from hockey’s most colorful commentator:

Swedes

“I truly regret calling various Nordic hockey players ‘chicken Swedes’,” said Mr. Cherry. “I don’t know what I was thinking. Those guys are tough and can really play hard.” Cherry denies that his about face had anything to do with a cease-and-desist letter he received from the Stockholm law firm of Peterssen, Petersson & Pedersson. “I was wrong,” said Cherry. “Any of those guys can go into a corner with a dozen eggs in their pocket and some of them would definitely break.”

Ron MacLean

"Cripes, did he really think I was serious with all my comments about him?”, said Cherry. “I was just kidding around, that’s all.” Apparently MacLean could take no more and engaged the services of the Toronto law firm Bleedum Drye to make his case. “OK, so he’s not a sniveling little butt kisser,” said Cherry. “If that’s what he needs to hear to make this lawsuit go away, then so be it.”

Bobby Orr

“This one breaks my heart,” said Cherry. “I love the guy; I really do and now I’ve gotta deny my love.” Apparently the greatest defenseman to ever play the game had reached his limit with expressions of love from his former pal Grapes. “It hurts to say it,” said a tearful Cherry. “But I apologize for any hugs, kisses or other expressions of affection directed towards Mr. Orr and I will never embrace or embarrass him again.”

The NDP

“I didn’t know that ‘pinko’ was a bad word,” said Cherry. “I just figured those bicycle riders like the color pink and that’s why you call them pinkos. I’m truly sorry for any offense I may have caused and I will never use that word again.” Asked to comment on the NDP’s platform and recent electoral success at the federal level, Don Cherry declined. “I’m staying mum when it comes to those guys although I think all you kids at home can guess what my real opinion might be.”

The Canadian Apparel Federation

“I can’t lie,” said Cherry. “This one really hurts.” The former Boston coach was talking about his apology to the entire Canadian menswear and fashion industry wherein he undertook to stop wearing any more outrageous suits and shirts. “I’m sorry if my clothing choices caused any damage to the haberdashery sector of this great country of ours,” said the style-challenged former coach. “I honestly thought I looked great in those outfits. Now I know better.”

Diefenbastard

“A museum dedicated to John Diefenbaker has decided to give a man who suspects he's the former prime minister's only child access to its artifacts for DNA testing.”

- The Canadian Press - 16/9/2011

Toronto native George Dryden is on a mission to prove that he is, in fact, the illegitimate son of Canada’s 13th prime minister. If nothing else, Mr. Dryden’s feistiness and dogged determination suggest that he may well be John Diefenbaker’s son.

But it turns out that Mr. Dryden is not the only potential illegitimate child of a recent Canadian leader. Rumor has it that the following people may also have illegitimate links to 24 Sussex:

Fred Wilson

This Ottawa native may be the love child of former prime minister Joe Clark. One anonymous source suggests that the polite, soft-spoken thirty-one-year-old was conceived on December 13, 1979, the very day that Mr. Clark’s minority government was defeated, nine months less a day since he took power. At the time, Mr. Clark’s defeat was blamed on his inability to do math but instead it may have occurred because of a secret assignation with one Enid Wilson in the Parliamentary cloak room. Nine months less a day later, Ms. Wilson gave birth to a baby boy with a distinctive receding chin.

Unlike George Dryden, Fred Wilson has not made any attempts to establish his true parentage. “Mr. Clark seems like a very nice man,” said Mr. Wilson. “And I assume he’s very busy. It wouldn’t really be right to bother him about such a minor matter, would it now?”

Gilles Lalonde

The 26-year-old from Montreal apparently has a strong case for claiming Brian Mulroney as his father. Not only is Mr. Lalonde the spitting image of Canada’s 18th prime minister, his mother, former Mulroney housekeeper Giselle Lalonde, has confirmed a brief relationship with her former boss.

Yet Mr. Lalonde has not pursued the matter further. In fact, the smooth-talking, lantern-jawed Montrealer has adamantly denied that Mr. Mulroney is his biological father. “I’ve got a nice little restaurant business here in Montreal,” said Mr. Lalonde. “If it was ever established that I’m a Mulroney, I could lose half my customers overnight. I’ve got nothing against the guy but, heck, I’ve gotta make a living.”

Phyllis Smith

Calgary is home to this 21-year-old aspiring accountant who, with her ski-slope nose and slight midriff bulge, bears an uncanny likeness to our current prime minister. DNA testing has, in fact, established that Ms. Smith is Stephen Harper’s daughter. However, since Phyllis Smith’s mother Brenda has adamantly denied being even a ten-foot pole length away from Mr. Harper, the biological connection was, until recently, a mystery.

“My mom says she’d rather sleep with a rattlesnake than Stephen Harper,” said Phyllis Smith. “And I believe her.” But there is a simple explanation. It turns out that there was a slight mixup with donor samples at a Calgary fertility clinic 22 years ago and the rest is history.

Jacques Strappe

Shawinigan native Jacques Strappe has long believed that he might be distantly related to Canada’s 20th prime minister Jean Chretien. After all, Mr. Strappe bears a definite resemblance to Mr. Chretien and has the same inability to speak either of Canada’s official languages. But he never guessed that he might actually be a son of the former prime minister.

“For me, pepper, I put it on my plate and I don’t mind if it’s proved that I’m Mr. Chretien’s son,” said Mr. Strappe. “A proof is a proof. What kind of proof? It’s a proof. A proof is a proof. And when you have a good proof, it’s because it’s proven.”

Kim Turner

Perhaps the strangest possible prime ministerial love child is Kim Turner of Vancouver, B.C. Rumor has it that Ms. Turner is not just the child of one prime minister but is, in fact, the spawn of two prime ministers.

Historians have often wondered how Kim Campbell managed to decimate a majority Tory government and reduce it to two members in the House of Commons back in 1993. Apparently her illicit affair with former prime minister John Turner and subsequent unreported pregnancy was the distraction that cost her and her party the election.

While the evidence of her twin prime ministerial parents is overwhelming, Kim Turner strongly denies any connection. “Hey,” said Ms. Turner. “Would you admit that you were related to those two losers? Let’s face it, I was in the womb longer than the two of them combined were prime minister.”

Selling the Sizzle

MEMO

TO: Earl Stuckley, CEO, U. S. Motors

FROM: Charles Miller, VP Marketing

I regret that it’s come to this. I had hoped that our ongoing disagreements with the production and engineering departments could be resolved through normal channels. But now it is clear that the impasse is so intractable that it requires your involvement.

For years now, our employees in the marketing branch have gone above and beyond the call of duty to bring our company into the 21st century. We have spent countless hours creating and designing marketing plans that will ensure our continuing profitability and long-term success.

Unfortunately, the engineering and production folks refuse to cooperate in the implementation of even our simplest idea. And, as you know, if we don’t have a product to match our advertising campaign, we don’t have a hope of increasing sales.

The various divisions of a company are not competitors. Rather, we are all members of one team — a team whose singular goal should be corporate success.

We have done our part; now we urge you to get the other departments onside as well. All that means is to design and produce a car to match our sterling marketing campaign.

They say it can’t be done but if we can dream it, whey can’t they produce it? Our TV ads touting our new H2O-powered SUVs have tested off the charts with consumer focus groups. Is it too much to ask the geniuses over in engineering to come up with just one vehicle that runs on water?

As for price points, if we expect to stay competitive with the Japanese, we need a family van that comes in under $10,000. And that means one with all the bells and whistles, too, including cup holders and a DVD player. Our print ads are ready to go with an MSRP of $9,999. Anything higher and we’re destined for failure. Just because those wacky number-crunching pencil pushers over in accounting say it can’t be done is no reason to pull the plug on this project now.

We’re no less adamant about our proposed multi-media campaign for the Pegasus — the world’s first affordable flying family sedan. We appreciate that cutting edge technology like this can’t be produced overnight. But if the production guys can’t even commit to a 2014 model, all our work on a combined Facebook-Twitter-YouTube rollout will be for naught.

Frankly, we here in marketing are tired of carrying the load for U. S. Motors. Great ideas don’t come cheaply and they don’t come along every day either. If the bright, creative minds in our shop don’t at least occasionally see a practical realization of one of their brilliant outside-the-box concepts, we’re going to lose some of our top marketing people to the competition.

We don’t want to be unreasonable. We recognize that marketing may have a monopoly on the best and the brightest. So we accept that the water-fuelled SUV and the flying sedan may have to be delayed a bit.

But in the meantime, we feel the least we can expect from our coworkers is a piddling 75 miles-per-gallon, $12,000 subcompact with automatic driver-less operation and self-cleaning option. We can roll out an ad campaign for this in three to four months. Can production at least match us on that?

I hope we can count on your support as I know you are a can-do kind of guy who is not going to take “It’s physically impossible to build a 75 m.p.g. car for $12,000" as a legitimate excuse for more heel dragging. If you can light a fire under the other departments, we’re ready to fan those flames into a brushfire of sales success.

Yours in motoring,

Chuck Miller

The Dominion of Canada

It’s official. Stephen Harper is a staunch and unapologetic monarchist.

Last month his government brought back the Royal Canadian Air Force and the Royal Canadian Navy as the official names for the sea and air branches of our military. Then he ordered that the Queen’s portrait hang in every Canadian embassy around the world.

But according to government insiders, that’s not the end of it. The Prime Minister apparently has even more Queen-friendly proposals in the works. Seldom reliable sources have revealed the following future pro-monarchist steps:

* Canada’s maple leaf flag will be replaced by the old red ensign.

* Our country will henceforth be referred to as the Dominion of Canada, the Kingdom of Canada or the Queendom of Canada.

* “God Save the Queen” to replace “O Canada” as our national anthem.

* The national capital will be moved from Ottawa to Kingston, the original capital of the united Canadas back in 1841.

* The Queen’s English will be declared our sole official language.

* Canadians will be urged to call trucks “lorries”, umbrellas “bumbershoots”, car trunks “boots” and to pronounce aluminum as “aluminium.”

* Charles will be invited to move here and become King of Canada.

* Quebec will be asked to reconfirm its defeat on the Plains of Abraham and formally surrender to the Queen.

* Dairy Queen will be designated Canada’s official soft ice cream restaurant and Burger King will be our official national hamburger chain.

* A knighthood will be posthumously awarded to a famous former Toronto Maple Leafs defenceman so that Canada’s official donut shop can henceforth be known as Sir Tim Horton’s.

* The Senate will be changed to the House of Canadian Lords. We will now refer to Hugh Segal as Lord Tubby of Kingston and Mike Duffy will be known as Lord Puffster of Charlottetown.

Fifteen Minutes A Day

A recent Taiwanese study found that fifteen minutes a day of moderate exercise may add three years to your life.
As far as I’m concerned, this is great news. Not for the reason given by the lead researcher, namely that this result will presumably encourage more people to take up a daily exercise regimen.
Rather, this study demonstrates that there’s really little reason to get off the sofa and start walking, running or climbing stairs. Let’s face it; exercise sucks, big time. So if I’m going to gain three years at the end of my life, what’s the actual cost in exercising time?
Let’s do the math. Assuming that the average life expectancy for a male is 79 and that this regular exercise thing would start at around 14 years of age, that means sixty-five years of fifteen minutes a day of exercise to increase your lifespan to 82 years.
Is it worth it? Well, fifteen minutes a day for sixty-five years means a quarter hour times 365 days a year or 91.25 hours a year. Times sixty-five years that adds up to 5,931 hours or about 247 days or two-thirds of an entire year.
As far as I’m concerned, I’m not ready to undergo a definitely unpleasant two-thirds of a year in return for three end-of-life years. Plus, that two-thirds of a year would have to be subtracted from those three years anyway. Much like a car in the garage for repairs, that time hardly counts as useful living.
Let’s be realistic, too; those years between 79 and 82 are not likely going to be your best ones. In fact, if experience is any judge, they’re probably going to be filled with aches, pains, illnesses, ailments and lots of medications.
Why spend your life annoying yourself for a quarter of an hour a day if all it gets you in the end is three years of geezerhood? Nice try Taiwanese study but this is one guy who’s not going to fall for your fancy multi-factor cohort group statistical analysis.
I don’t need any fancy research telling me to exercise. That one-or-two-glasses-of-wine-a-day-is-good-for-you study is all the medical research I require. Unless, of course, you’ve got a more-red-meat-extends-your-life study or some watching-sports-on-TV-promotes-heart-health research. Then I’m all ears.