Jack Diamond, P. I.

     If thirty years of being a presidential investigator has taught me anything it’s to never trust your client completely.

     So when I got the call from this Trump fellow, my private eye radar was already receiving suspicious signals.  

     Anyway, I agreed to meet with him and the next day I walked into the Oval Office and finally got my first look at this schlub.  

     “Jack Diamond?” he said, thrusting out his right hand for a firm shake.

     “That’s right, Mr. President,” I said coolly. “What can I do for you?”

     “Well, Jack, I heard a lot about you. Let’s just say I need your help badly.”

      “Look, Mr. President, if you’re in any sexual trouble, I may be able to help you out.” 

      “Well, any of the sexual stuff isn’t really that big a deal. You see, the people love me and if I tell them I didn’t sleep with porn stars, Playboy models or peeing Russian hookers, they believe me. No, I’ve got bigger problems than that.”

     “Look, Jack, I’m not going to lie to you,” he lied. “But my biggest problem is that there are people on my own staff leaking stuff to the press. I want you to go incognito and find out who’s trying to bring me down. Can you do that for me, Jack?”

     Of course I could do that for him but the question was whether or not I wanted to get involved with this guy at all. From what I could see, he’d sooner stiff you on a bill than give you a smile and my sources had already told me that when it came to under-the-bus-throwing, this guy was the champ.

     “I can do it, Mr. President,” I said. “But I’m going to need a six-figure retainer and a daily expense account.”

     “No problem, Jack,” he said. “I’ll have my people draw up a contract and we’ll put you on the White House payroll for your daily expenses.”

     As I exited the Oval Office, I had a funny feeling. Somehow I knew that my investigations were probably all going to lead to a dead end. But the schmuck was going to pay me “bigly” as he put it and I was never one to sniff at a giant pay day.

     So I took up office undercover in the White House in order to talk to different staff members. It soon became apparent to me that most of these halfwits would have a hard time taking a leak, much less making one.

     As the weeks dragged on, I was getting a bit discouraged. I had talked to just about everyone on the president’s staff and no one looked capable of doing something as sophisticated as leaking confidential material without getting caught.  

     As my final attempt, I figured I should check out any social media emanating from the White House and first up was a Twitter account purporting to be that of the president. But something was fishy. The tweets looked strangely suspicious, many being full of grammatical and typographical errors.

     On further investigation, I could see that some of these tweets were actually leaking confidential material to the public. Since no president would be stupid enough to make such juvenile mistakes, it stood to reason that someone had hijacked the president’s Twitter account and was using it as a vehicle to undermine his credibility.

     I set up a meeting with the president and laid out the results of my investigation.

     “That’s brilliant,” said the president. “It all makes sense now. Some clown is using my platform and spilling the beans on all the inside doings. Thanks for your hard work, Jack. There’ll be a little something extra for you in your final check.”

     “Thanks, Mr. President, but what about the fake Twitter account?” I asked. “Shouldn’t we be shutting that down and stopping the leaks?”

     “Leave that to me, Jack,” said Trump. “Leave that to me.”

     And with that, I left the Oval Office, exited the White House, headed back to my one-desk office near the Hill and waited for my next phone call which I was pretty sure would be from one V. Putin.   

D. C. Trick-or-treating

     It’s almost Halloween and that means children everywhere will be scouting nearby neighborhoods for the best homes to visit for treats. As a public service for kids living in the Washington, D. C. area, here’s a list of the best addresses for trick-or-treating and those to avoid:

Bob Mueller’s house

     Mr. Mueller will answer the door but will neither confirm nor deny that he has any tricks up his sleeve. However, rumor has it that he will be handing out goodies in the form of Russian nesting dolls and criminal subpoenas.

Rod Rosenstein’s house

     Deputy Attorney-General Rosenstein is a very busy man. So don’t expect many treats at his residence. In fact, Mr. Rosenstein may not even be home or, if he is, he will likely be hiding in the basement with the lights out and not answering the phone especially any calls from White House numbers.

1600 Pennsylvania Avenue

     Leaked reports suggest that the resident/president will be handling front door duties himself this year with a seasonal pumpkin-orange face and corn-silk woven yellow hair. Those reports also warn that the only treats to be given will be autographed copies of The Art of the Deal and tax cuts to children of the one percent. As in past years, the President will not be handing out any of his tax returns.  

Number One Observatory Circle

     This is the home of Mike Pence who, along with his wife “Mother”, will be distributing delicious candy treats. Although the Vice President denies it, last year he reportedly wrapped each treat bag in a copy of the 25^th Amendment.

Democratic National Committee

     Best to give this place a pass since the residents can’t seem to get their act together. Rather than decorate the front door and pass out treats, they tend to spend all their time navel gazing and arguing over who’s going to run in 2020.

Brett Kavanaugh’s house

     Brett will not, repeat not, be having a Halloween kegger at his house this year. If anyone says otherwise, he’ll deny it and refer doubters to the daily calendar app on his iPhone.

Bernie Sanders’s house

     With his wispy white hair and disheveled clothing, he looks harmless enough. But this part New York City Jew, part Vermont senator, part democratic socialist is really a scary Frankenstein creation who wants to give your kids free healthcare and free tuition.

Ted Cruz’s house

     He’s a strange bird - Canadian-born, Texas-raised and Tea Party-funded - and the only senator up for re-election with two right wings. It should be easy pickings for kids visiting the Cruz household since he has already given up his self-respect seeking the support of President Trump in his attempt to defeat newcomer Beto O’Rourke.

The Senate

     Senior Senators Chuck Grassley, Orin Hatch and Richard Shelby will be manning the Senate’s front door but not to hand out Halloween treats. Instead, they will take turns yelling at kids to “Get off my lawn!”

The House

     The House of Representatives will be closed on Halloween and will not reopen until after November 6^th. It is hoped that it will then be in a better position to make some actual decisions.

The Modern Know-Nothings

It's time for a serious piece of political commentary:

     Throughout my lifetime, there has been a rough divide nationally between the Republican and Democratic parties when it comes to presidential candidates. The Democrats have been the party of ideas, intellectualism and detailed policy prescriptions. The Republicans, on the other hand, are the anti-intellectual party of the common man.

     The two presidential elections of the 1950s illustrate this divide. Adlai Stevenson was the brilliant egghead with a detailed knowledge of policy and the workings of government. Dwight Eisenhower, on the other hand, was the competent everyman who cared little for academics and intellectuals.

     Although the truth was far more nuanced (Eisenhower was a smart, highly organized tactician), the public images suited the Republican Party well as they managed to exploit the anti-intellectual image over and over again until Americans now have an honest-to-God proud anti-intellectual in the White House.

     Republicans have consistently appealed to the uneducated electorate, be that Richard Nixon’s silent majority or Trump proclaiming “I love the poorly educated.” The problem is that they have played this card so often and so skilfully that instead of having a president pretending to be a know-nothing friend of the common man, the U. S. now has a bona fide, dyed-in-the-wool leader who proudly displays his wide-ranging ignorance.

     This trend towards anti-intellectualism gained speed with the elevation of Ronald Reagan to the office of president. Although clearly more experienced and knowledgeable than the current incumbent, Reagan was not the best and the brightest. The stories are legend of his mistakes, failures and screw-ups. Yet he, or those next to him, had the good sense to choose capable, competent individuals to run his administration.

     The Republicans savored the successes achieved by touting anti-intellectualism and doubled down on this approach with the selection of George W. Bush as their candidate in 2000. Bush proudly purported to be an anti-elite everyman notwithstanding his lifetime of privilege. As Jim Hightower once said of Bush’s dad, he “...was born on third base and thought he hit a triple.”

     In fairness, George W. Bush was not the stupid man that many portrayed him to be. Whatever one’s intellectual shortcomings, it still takes some brains to pick up an M.B.A. from Harvard.

     Many voters supported him simply because he seemed like the kind of guy they could sit down and have a beer with. Voters who thought things through realized that they didn’t need a drinking buddy; they needed someone more intelligent and experienced than themselves to lead the country. Sadly, there weren’t enough of the latter to keep Bush away from the levers of power.

     What this history of anti-intellectualism has wrought is an electorate that decries political experience and academic enquiry and is willing to vote for anyone who trashes the elites. What those voters don’t seem to realize is that such a knee-jerk reaction is not helpful to them but instead consistently results in Republican presidents who do little more than serve the rich.

     This approach has delivered big time to the wealthy but at the same time has widened the gap between the haves and the have-nots to the point where the uneducated voter has no respect for political experience whatsoever and is willing to vote in the least experienced, least knowledgeable, least competent and least truthful candidate based solely on his faux-populist appeal.

     The Republicans have unthinkingly reaped what they have sown over the years in the person of Donald Trump. Right wing conservatives have gotten the tax cuts they wanted from Trump but now, too late, they have come to realize that they have let loose an anti-intellectual bull in the political china shop. His nativist, anti-free trade, know-nothing approach threatens the entire world economy.

     It remains to be seen if congressional Republicans are prepared to put a stop to the dumpster fire started by President Trump, admit the hypocrisy of their anti-intellectual approach and show Mr. Trump the door. Given that this would mean the decimation of their ranks in Congress, it seems unlikely but if they choose not to act, America’s future appears bleak indeed.   

O Cannabis

   

     Well, it’s official; as of October 17^th, recreational marijuana is legal in Canada. We’re the first G7 country to legalize weed and only the second worldwide to do so after Uruguay.

     The federal government and Prime Minister Justin Trudeau claim that the country is ready for this dramatic change and that everything is in place to ease the transition to a pro-bud nation. However, given that Canada’s provinces and territories are the ones responsible for regulating marijuana sales and use, it’s far from clear that it will be smooth sailing for weed aficionados. Each jurisdiction will have its own rules and regulations which may create confusion for those traveling throughout Canada, especially those under the influence.

     It’s likely that there will be lots of bumps to iron out in this new Cannabinoid Canada but those in charge seem to be up to the task. In order to minimize confusion and to harmonize marijuana laws from coast to coast to coast, it is rumored that the federal government will be taking the following steps:

*   Serious attempts will be made to standardize various provincial regulations. In the interim, the federal government will publish “The Dope Smokers’ Handbook” to help educate interprovincial travelers as to the cross-country differences.

*   The legal limit for carrying marijuana in public is 30 grams or about one ounce. The federal government is reportedly developing a new mini-scale phone app to help consumers stay within the legal limit.

*   Eventually, the Canadian government will also legalize marijuana edibles including cookies, chocolate and poutine.

*   Canada’s flag will be slightly altered to change the central red maple leaf to a red marijuana leaf.

*   Henceforth, the country’s national anthem will be revised from “O Canada” to “O Cannabis.”

*   Canada’s national symbol will be changed from the beaver to a stoned moose.

*   Canadian Thanksgiving will be moved from the second Monday in October to October 17^th. (Contrary to some rumors, 4/20 or April 20^th will not be proclaimed a national statutory holiday.)

*   Legislation is reportedly being drafted to severely limit marijuana use by federal politicians in Ottawa to ensure they maintain a high level of sobriety and productivity in Parliament. Some citizens are apparently lobbying against such proposed legislation on the assumption that the less politicians can do, the better. 

U. S. v. Anheuser-Busch

     It’s now official; Brett Kavanaugh has been sworn in as the latest Associate Justice on the U. S. Supreme Court. For those wondering how he’ll perform, here’s a look at some likely future decisions by Justice Kavanaugh:

U. S. v. Anheuser-Busch

     This is an anti-trust action against Anheuser-Busch, brewer of many fine beers including Budweiser and Bud Light. As a subsidiary of AB InBev, Anheuser-Busch is alleged to have abused its dominant market position. However, as a longtime fan of beer in general and Bud Light in particular, I cannot countenance any divesting or breakup of this fine company. When I was young, I liked beer. I still like beer and, in my opinion, the best way to ensure a ready supply of that golden nectar throughout this great land of ours is to let Anheuser-Busch do what it does best: make beer.

Clinton v. Clinton

     As noted by counsel on both sides, it is highly unusual to have a divorce action elevated to the Supreme Court. But, when it comes to the Clintons, nothing is unusual. Some have suggested that I recuse myself from this case because of my comment that the Democrats’ attack on my nomination was “revenge on behalf of the Clintons.” All I can say to that is “nonsense.” My many years on the bench have taught me to be completely fair and totally impartial which is why I vote to dismiss both claims and award costs against both parties.

Underwood v. Trump

     The New York State Attorney General initiated criminal proceedings against President Donald Trump based on allegations of tax avoidance and fraud. Apart from the fact that I can’t believe that our president would engage in such actions, I feel compelled to note that, in my opinion, it is clear that this Court cannot entertain criminal charges against a sitting president at least not while he is still in office. And even after that, I think I would find it hard to allow such proceedings given my personal knowledge of the defendant and his sterling reputation.

U . S. v. Judge, Tobin, Squi et al.

     This is an appeal of a sexual assault case involving several young men and an anonymous female victim based on alleged incidents from the 1980s. Notwithstanding that there is no statutory limitation on bringing such charges in the state of Maryland, I think there really ought to be. In any event, the prosecution’s case rested primarily on testimony referring to such actions as “boofing” and “Devil’s Triangle.” Given that the former only refers to flatulence and the latter is a harmless drinking game, I find that the basis of this action is without merit. Plus, these guys are my friends and I have their backs.

Jane Doe v. Faith Johnson

     It is ironic that this abortion case mirrors Roe v. Wade in almost all respects including the fact that the respondent is once again the Dallas County District Attorney. The appellant has relied on that 45-year-old Supreme Court precedent and also on my statement during my confirmation hearing that Roe v. Wade is settled law. Remember, however, that confirmation hearing testimony is not binding. What is truly binding is a promise like the promise I made to President Trump about how I would rule on abortion. All I can say at this point is “Promise made; promise kept.”

Presidential Alert System Warnings

     FEMA recently tested its Presidential Alert system which is designed to transmit warnings to cell phone users across the country. Although the system is primarily designed to warn of natural disasters, missile attacks and acts of terrorism, apparently it will also issue actual presidential alerts such as the following:

*    Beware! The President will be attending a campaign rally event in your area tonight. Be prepared for blustery rants, abundant non sequiturs and outright condemnations of reporters, foreigners and Democrats.

*     Alert! The New York Times is releasing an in-depth report on the President’s finances. Those in the Washington, D. C. area should take immediate cover due to a likely onslaught of presidential fake news accusations.

*     Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders and/or Barack Obama will be releasing a new book containing criticisms of Donald Trump. Citizens can expect a severe nationwide presidential Twitterstorm over the next 24 hours.

*     Attention! Attention! A hurricane is tracking toward your region of the country. Look for frequent but questionable presidential assurances of relief and support. (Not available in Puerto Rico or in certain blue states)

*       Be prepared for a severe outage of logical thought and proper grammatical usage as the President plans to go off script in delivering a speech tonight.

*     A severe warning to women everywhere since the President plans to comment on the issues of sexual harassment and assault.

*    Groups of Republican supporters are meeting in your region. Be ready for gross exaggerations of crowd enthusiasm and crowd size emanating from the White House.

*     Be on the lookout for an increase in presidential whoppers and mockeries followed by a sharp rise in dissembling and pivoting by Kellyanne Conway and Sarah Huckabee Sanders.

*      Presidential tax cuts have been spotted on the horizon. Hold on tightly to your wallet unless you are a member of the one percent.

*     Amber Alert! The First Lady is missing. If you happen to spot her, she requests that you not inform the President of her whereabouts.

*     Watch for influx of presidential assertions like “Many people are saying” and “Believe me.” Resultant increased falsehood count almost guaranteed.

*     Health alert issued for an aging Supreme Court justice. Expect a presidential flurry of potential far right nominee replacements.

*     Possible Democratic presidential landslide on November 3, 2020. Look for subsequent dismantling of Presidential Alert system.

"Standup Monthly" Interview

     Standup Monthly magazine recently had a chance to interview the latest rising star in the field of standup comedy: D. J. Trump.

Standup Monthly: D. J., it’s an honor to interview you especially after your recent smash performance at the General Assembly Room of the United Nations Club on East 42^nd Street in New York City.

D.J. Trump: Thank you. That was a great performance. I really killed, didn’t I? Especially the Iranians in the crowd.

Standup Monthly: Now that performance was a little different from your previous style. How did you change your act?

D.J. Trump: You’re right. I mixed things up a bit and started trying a little more exaggerated, over-the-top comedy like “My administration has accomplished more than almost any in U. S. history.” It was kind of a riff on my old routines like “My electoral victory was the biggest since Reagan’s” and “This was the biggest Inauguration crowd ever.” I think you could see how the crowd really ate that stuff up.

Standup Monthly:  Yes, they certainly did. But does that mean you’re giving up on your insult comedy?

D.J. Trump:  No, of course not. Remember; that’s what earned me my first success. Favorites like Lyin’ Ted, Crooked Hillary, Little Rocket Man. They’re what got me to where I am today so I’m not going to stop using them. Except maybe for Little Rocket Man. I met Kim recently, you know? We did a gig together in Singapore and we really hit it off. I think we could be bigger than Martin and Lewis or even me and Putin.

Standup Monthly: It’s clear that you have great success with U. S. crowds but some folks are saying that you don’t really appeal to international audiences.

D.J. Trump: Nonsense. Look at that UN crowd, for example. They were yukking it up like crazy.

Standup Monthly: Although some are saying they were laughing at you, not with you.

D.J. Trump: Believe me; they were laughing with me. Or at least if they know what’s good for them, they were laughing with me.

Standup Monthly: So what’s on the agenda for D. J. Trump? Are you planning a tour? Any local clubs you’ll be playing in the Washington area?

D.J. Trump: Well, if you hadn’t noticed, I’ve been touring regularly even before I moved to the White House. It’s kind of what I like to call the Eternal Campaign Rally tour. And we’re going to be ramping that up big time as we approach the first week of November topped off with a Tone Deaf Comedy Jam concert in D. C. on Tuesday, November 6^th.

Standup Monthly: What’s in the future? Where do you see D. J. Trump in five years?

D.J. Trump: I think I’m only going to get better and better. I’m looking to try out some observational humor like Jerry Seinfeld and maybe even more physical comedy like Jerry Ford. Where do I see myself in five years? Well touring is tiring so I’d like to have my own personal concert venue in Washington kind of like what that Celine Dion broad has in Vegas. Then I could do two shows a night forever assuming we can get rid of that stupid 22^nd Amendment.

Hurricane Donald

    It turns out that Hurricane Florence may not have been the storm of a lifetime but it definitely wreaked havoc with extensive flooding along the coast of the Carolinas and further inland. Although Florence has passed, we must remember that the hurricane season is far from over and that more devastating storms are on the way including this one recently identified by the National Weather Service:

NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE

National Hurricane Center – Storm Advisory for Hurricane Donald – Extreme Warning

     We continue to track Donald ever since it achieved hurricane status back in November of 2016. What was once predicted to be simply a minor tropical storm that would blow itself out in 2015 has unexpectedly continued to gain strength and now threatens not only coastal regions but the entire continental United States.

     Although some hurricanes like Florence move westward at a very slow pace, Donald is truly exceptional in that it has moved very little in the past two years. In fact, the eye of the storm remains centered over Washington, D. C. with particularly disruptive winds and storm surges in the specific area of the White House.

     Since its inception, Donald has left significant damage and destruction in its path. Puerto Rico was one of its early major victims but the damage caused has been widespread and extensive. The storm has managed to destroy innumerable regulations, cause significant harm to healthcare reforms and add immeasurably to the national debt.

     Those residing in lower income areas are urged to evacuate as soon as possible. Although Donald consistently promised to bring economic gains to all, to date, it has limited such results only to upper income neighborhoods.

     While Donald primarily attacks liberal coastal areas, it causes damage wherever it tracks. Even if your region appears to be safe, be advised that Donald creates dangerous subsidiary weather patterns such as unceasing campaign-like rallies and unpredictable Twitterstorms. It has even been known to become embedded with local tornadoes like the recently identified Stormy Daniels.

     Donald has yet to be accurately or adequately categorized. Once thought to be simply an annoying tropical depression, it has since surprisingly continued to jump categories beyond our standard measuring determinants to the point where, at this point, we can only call it an uncategorized storm.

     It continues to be difficult to predict the path and strength of this hurricane. Although we anticipated on several occasions that Donald would essentially self-destruct, it appears that whatever erratic and unstable action the storm takes only seems to strengthen it more.

     We are cautiously optimistic, however, that by early November, we will see Donald’s power lessened significantly by strong midterm election weather patterns emanating from the House and possibly the Senate. Yet given Donald’s unpredictability and penchant for achieving increased volume as well as the electorate’s historical absence of voter turnout, it may actually increase in strength and achieve the previously unassigned storm status of a Windbag 1.

     If Donald should persist beyond the upcoming election season, it may not blow itself out until 2020 unless, of course, it is intercepted by Typhoon Mueller. 

Donald The Anonymous

MEMORANDUM                                          EXTRA SUPER TOP SECRET

TO:        My buddy Vlad

FROM:  Donnie J.

RE:        That N. Y. Times Op-Ed

     I gotta hand it to you, Vlad. I had my doubts about this plan but, like you said: “It will work like charm.”

     The failing New York Times was suckered again. I don’t know who they think they were dealing with in publishing that essay but it’s clear they had no idea it was one of your guys. Well done, Vlad.

     The sentence structure, grammar, word choice and syntax were brilliant. No one’s ever going to suspect that I was behind this op-ed because they’d never believe that I could write so well. Hell, I’d never believe I could write that well and, in fact, I can’t. But whoever you enlisted to draft it clearly did a fantastic job.

     So the fake news and all those stupid liberals are predictably going nuts over this. They’re calling for an investigation into what’s going on in the White House and calling for my head on a platter.

     What they don’t realize, of course, is that they’re playing right into my perfectly normal-sized hands. We’ll let them get even more riled up, Vlad, before we drop the other larger-than-normal shoe.

     Before that happens though, I gotta say I’m loving all the squirming and twisting by everyone in my Cabinet. People are saying that only some bright guy like Kelly or Mattis could have written something that coherent. It’s fun to watch those two look over their shoulder when making their denials of authorship.

     Of course no one’s claiming some clown like Ben Carson or Betsy deVos could have written the op-ed. Hell, those two can barely write their name.

     And I know I shouldn’t take pleasure in it but it’s even fun to watch members of my own family sweat. Room-temperature-IQ Eric isn’t worried since he’s not bright enough to know that he should be worried. But Don, Jr. and Ivanka are sweating bullets since they both know how to string a few nice sounding sentences together.

     This all kind of reminds me of that clever old geezer Ronald Reagan. Everyone thought he was a useful idiot but little did they know that he just played the part. Behind that clown-like facade was a brilliant tactician who managed to avoid any responsibility for Iran-Contra by repeatedly saying he couldn’t remember or “I don’t recall.”

     Well, I’m going to ride that same train to Crazytown right into a second term in office if everything plays out like you say, Vlad. Once the Democrats have gotten themselves so riled up they’re foaming at the mouth, we’ll convene an investigation to determine who wrote the op-ed.

     And guess who the investigation will find guilty? Hey, why am I asking you since you already know? That’s right: Jeff Sessions.

     What a clever move, Vlad. Like you always say: “One stone kill two birds.” I get to look presidential by convening and conducting a thorough investigation and, at the same time, I can dump that weenie Sessions. After that, it won’t take long to get rid of Mueller.

     Things are looking good for the midterms. Thanks to you helping those socialists win their Democratic primaries, I think we’ll be able to hang on to our majority in the House and then it’ll be clear sailing to a second term in 2020.

     Thanks again, Vlad. There’ll be a few extra rubles for your efforts in next month’s pay packet.

Adult Maintenance Schedule

      When you buy a new car, the dealer provides you with a suggested maintenance schedule, a list of recommended services to be carried out at various set intervals. Many of us follow those schedules faithfully. And why not? After all, a car is an expensive investment and it makes sense to keep it well maintained.

     But if we take that much care with our car, why wouldn’t we do the same with our own body? Hence, a suggested adult maintenance schedule:

Every year or 1,000 miles

Do visual inspection of exterior for any obvious signs of wear or incipient growths.

Check teeth and repair or replace any defective molars, incisors or bicuspids.

Check footwear and replace or repair as necessary.

Test eyesight and install corrective eyewear if needed.

Test compression and advise accordingly (e.g. - lose weight, exercise more, reduce salt intake).

Every ten years or 10,000 miles

Examine for any weight gain and replace belts where needed.

Lubricate all joints.

Check for proper moral bearings and adjust if required.

Rotate footwear and upgrade wardrobe.

Inspect intake valve and exhaust manifold for any leaking or improper functioning.

For male model, carefully examine hairline and take appropriate measures for any recession or male pattern baldness.

For female model, check for facial scratches or imperfections and apply necessary creams and oils or surgically alter if needed.

After 50 years or 50,000 miles

Examine marriage and adjust or replace as needed.

Check for impending mid-life crisis and provide sports car, facelift or younger mate as required.

Test eyesight and, if appropriate, fit with bi- or tri-focals depending on model type.

Replace any clogged or malfunctioning valves and arteries. 

Internally inspect exhaust pipe and remove any unwanted growths.

Check for power failures in the reproductive crankcase and medicate as needed.

Examine diet and remove all sugars, fats and alcohol.

Examine lifestyle and install speed governor to restrict physical movement to appropriate age level.

Check for sleep interruption and medicate if necessary.

For female model, check for flushing, overheating and mood swings.

For male model, check for repeated nighttime fluid evacuation and excessive dripping.

After 75 years or 75,000 miles

Check for pulse.

Replace any worn or malfunctioning joints.

Flush malfunctioning hoses and replace or medicate if required.

Rewrite warranty documentation including will, power of attorney, spare parts donation card, etc.

If nearing end of useful life, reinstall spiritual enquiry module if requested.

Offer customer option of pre-paid chassis removal service.