Donald Trump has been president for seven months now and some are
wondering if he can ever make good on all of his campaign promises. But Mr.
Trump is not backing away from his commitments. Seldom reliable sources have
released the following transcript of a recent interview:
Promise: Build a wall along the southern border
Everyone says it can’t
be done but it will be built and it will be great. In fact, it’s going to be
the Great Wall of China. That’s right; I am such a great negotiator that I’m
going to buy China’s wall at a bargain price.
The Chinese are having
some economic problems lately and are looking to help their bottom line. Their
wall is hundreds of years old and has long ago been fully depreciated. Trust
me; they don’t want it anymore.
I’ll negotiate a
fantastic price and, here’s the beautiful part, as part of the deal, I’ll get
them to pay for dismantling the wall, transporting it and erecting it on the
Mexican border.
It’s going to be a
beautiful wall and very, very effective. Look what it did for the Chinese for
years, keeping out all those undocumented Mongol hordes.
And the icing on the
cake? Once the wall is up, it’s absolutely going to become a top tourist
attraction and a huge revenue generator. And once you add in the new hotels and
casinos, I predict it will pay for itself in three years.
Promise: Ban all Muslim immigrants to the U. S. until we can figure out
what’s going on
Some so-called legal
experts say such a ban is unconstitutional. Don’t know; don’t care. But it
doesn’t matter since I’ve now seen all the top-secret security information and
now I know what’s going on. So bing bing, bong bong bong, bing bing. That
eliminates the need for the Muslim ban.
Promise: Repeal Obamacare and replace it with a more efficient and less
expensive alternative
We’ve got control of
both houses of Congress so repealing Obamacare should have been a done deal by
now. As for replacing it, I’ve got a brand new fantastic idea that I think is
going to work bigly; it’s called Medicare.
Ask your grandparents
if they like their Medicare and I guarantee you they’ll say they love it. So
what I’m suggesting is we just extend Medicare to cover everybody. It’s such a
simple solution I bet even some of the Democrats in Congress will vote for it,
except maybe those crazy old socialists like Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth
Warren.
Promise: Jail Hillary Clinton
I was prepared to have
her prosecuted and sent to Guantanamo Bay. But, as you know, no one has more
respect for women than me. So I found a neat compromise to avoid breaking my
promise.
You may not know it but
I made a little deal with Obama when I met with him at the White House back in
January. I told him I’d keep a couple of things from Obamacare if he would
pardon Hillary before January 20th which he secretly did. So now my
hands are tied.
Promise: Have the country say Merry Christmas again
This one’s easy; just
do it through tax incentives.
If you include a video
clip of yourself saying “Merry Christmas” with your next tax return, you’ll get
a $100 tax credit. Trust me; folks will be saying Merry Christmas all year
long.
