Rumor
has it that due to Donald Trump’s frequent reliance on nondisclosure
agreements, he recently had his lawyers draw up a standard document that he
could use to cover any anticipated situation. In keeping with the porous nature
of the current White House, apparently someone has leaked the current version
of that document which, if genuine (it’s not), reads as follows:
All-purpose
Presidential nondisclosure agreement
This agreement dated ________ and
signed and executed elsewhere than The White House is between:
The President, a.k.a. David Dennison,
hereinafter referred to as DD or the party of the first part
- and –
The anonymous woman a.k.a. Peggy Peterson,
hereinafter referred to as PP or the party of the second part
Whereas PP worked for, slept with and/or
was groped by DD and DD wishes the details of their relationship/meeting/physical
encounter to be secret, PP hereby agrees to remain silent about any personal,
sexual or criminal interactions with DD.
In consideration of a payment of ________,
PP agrees not to disclose to anyone the details of any relationship of any
nature she had with DD including any recordings of that relationship be they in
a written, photographic or digital format. In particular, and without
restricting the generality of the foregoing, PP is prohibited from distributing
nude or semi-nude pictures of DD or any pictures or descriptions of his hair,
face, body or genitalia, the latter colloquially known as “dick pics.”
PP will not look directly to DD for
payment of the agreed amount noted above. Rather, she will instead interact
with one or more of DD’s lawyers. PP is required to deny any relationship or
payment.
PP is prohibited from discussing the
nature, quality or details of her interactions with DD in any way whatsoever;
however, the following exceptions apply:
1. PP is
permitted to characterize any sexual relationship she claims to have had with
DD as “amazing”, “fantastic” or “the best sex ever.”
2. PP can use the following words to describe
DD: “stud”, “macho guy”, “a man’s man”, “stallion” or “sex machine.”
3. PP may refer to DD as a “very stable
genius” or the “greatest”, “smartest” or “best” president of all time.
4. PP may strenuously assert that she never
engaged in any water sports colloquially known as “golden showers” with DD and
that DD consistently characterized such acts as “gross”, “disgusting” and
“unsanitary.”
If PP is in violation of any of the terms
of this agreement, she must pay the reasonable penalty of a gazillion dollars
for each infraction.
In the event that any sexual relationship
should result in one or more issue or offspring, PP is to deny the paternity of
DD unless DD wishes to acknowledge such paternity for his own purposes such as
being evidence of his super-potency or serving to facilitate divorce
proceedings against his current spouse.
This agreement shall be enforceable and in
effect from now until eternity and shall be binding on the parties including
any friends, relatives and descendants of PP throughout the planet Earth, the
universe and beyond.
EXECUTED
IN THE CITY OF ___________THIS ____ DAY OF ___________, 20__.
__________________________________ PP (signature mandatory)
__________________________________ DD (signature optional)