What's Next For Oprah?

Let’s have some fun and try completing this sentence: "Oprah ends her talk show in 2011 and decides instead to....."

* Groom Sarah Palin as her talk show host replacement, the new show to be called "Simply Sarah."
* Take on Dave, Jay, Conan, et al. with the first late night talk show hosted by a woman since Joan Rivers’s ill-fated, short-lived run with "The Late Show" on Fox in 1986.
* Challenge Bill Gates, Warren Buffet and T. Boone Pickens to a high-stakes, winner-take-all poker game for financial domination of the free world.
* Open her own bookstore called Oprah’s Book Club.
* Buy Amazon.com and call it OprahsBookClub.com.
* Spend more time with her family.
* Adopt a third-world orphan and give him or her a new life.
* Adopt a small, third-world country and develop it into a member of the G20.
* Eat anything she damn well pleases for the next twenty years.
* Build her own theater in Vegas and perform two shows nightly with added weekend matinees until Celine Dion cries "Uncle!"
* Buy the Chicago Cubs and get them into the World Series.
* Establish a seniors’ home for retired (or should-be-retired) daytime talk show hosts like Phil Donahue, Jerry Springer and Montel Williams.
* Take as much time as necessary to get Stedman to stop calling himself a consultant and get a real job.
* Start calling herself Ms. Winfrey again.
* Replace Joe Biden as the Vice Presidential candidate on Barack Obama’s ticket for 2012.
* Replace Barack Obama on the 2012 ticket.

Pardoned Turkey Kills Again

Just when they thought things couldn’t get any worse, White House officials learned that this year’s pardoned Thanksgiving turkey has gone on a nationwide killing spree.

White House spokesman Robert Gibbs was tightlipped and circumspect in announcing the tragic events. This year’s pardoned poultry, a 45-pound bird named Courage, apparently escaped from Big Thunder Ranch in Disneyland’s Frontierland where he ended up after his stint as grand marshal of Disneyland’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.

"The White House regrets to announce that the turkey pardoned by President Obama on Wednesday has killed upwards of six people in southern California," said Mr. Gibbs. "And there are reports that he may have injured dozens more."

Investigations have revealed that Courage (a.k.a. Salmonella Sam) was known to authorities for some time as a vicious spreader of various bacteria. Apparently it is not just undercooked turkeys who are a threat to the American people.

"Live turkeys are even more dangerous," said FDA spokesperson Harold Haroldson. "If they manage to sneak into your home, they can spread bacteria without you even knowing it."

The FBI has issued an all-points bulletin asking citizens to be on the lookout for a rather large, white, feathered turkey who is unarmed yet considered to be very dangerous. According to authorities, the bird is not a flight risk although he can flap his wings and travel at speeds of upwards of three miles an hour.

The White House hopes to have the wayward bird back in captivity soon although the President has apparently not yet decided if it will be returned to Big Thunder Ranch or will instead serve as next year’s Thanksgiving dinner at Guantanamo Bay.

Whatever course of action the President ultimately chooses, it looks like Joe Biden has already decided to take matters into his own hands. The Vice President was reportedly last seen on Air Force Two heading east to Istanbul declaring that, unlike the Bush Administration, "this White House has no intention of pardoning Turkey."

The Palin Book Flu

As America continues to battle the spread of the swine flu, it is now facing a new threat: the Palin book flu. Until recently, this novel virus was thought to have been contained and to be relatively mild. But thanks to an unscrupulous publisher, the Palin bug has now been released in the thousands and appears to be spreading rapidly across the country.

The Palin book flu is classified as a member of the political memoir family of viruses. In many respects, it resembles other members of that viral family in that it contains innocuous biographical information. However, it appears to be much more virulent than other such viruses in that it contains large doses of innuendo and character assassination.

The Palin book flu also differs in who and how it infects. Unlike other political memoirs, its readers often comprise the young, the politically naive and others lacking a fully-formed populist bafflegab immune system.

Most political memoirs are released into the general population in December in anticipation of pre-Christmas seasonal sales. The Palin book flu, on the other hand, started appearing much earlier in mid-November which makes it difficult for authorities to take measures to halt its spread.

The Palin book flu also differs from other literary bugs in the pattern of its transmission. Normally new literary creations appear first in major centers like New York and Los Angeles and spread out from there. The Palin book flu’s epidemiological pattern seems to be counterintuitive with most reported cases showing up in Middle America.

In fact, political epidemiologists have labelled this new bug a so-called rogue virus. Its geographical pattern seems to be entirely unpredictable with outbreaks being reported in such centers as Fort Wayne, Grand Rapids, Columbus and a dozen other swing state cities.

Some high profile individuals have already been hit with this new flu and report that its effects are nasty and long lasting. Former presidential candidate John McCain, for one, is still feeling the effects of the Palin book flu and may never fully recover. Broadcast journalist Katie Couric is another flu victim who is reportedly still suffering from aftereffects such as a bruised ego and falling ratings.

Sarah Palin, the creator of the eponymous bug, has shown no remorse for the damage it has inflicted on the country. In fact, she has actively promoted and encouraged the spread of the dangerous book by enlisting such TV personalities as Oprah Winfrey and Barbara Walters.

The White House has reportedly taken active steps to halt or at least slow the spread of the Palin book virus. Although officials are not overly concerned about its immediate effect on the population, they are apparently worried about its long term effects. As it is currently constituted, the virus is not too dangerous but it could easily mutate and add presidential aspirations to its genetic makeup.

To this end, the federal government has begun identifying the virus and developing a vaccine. Usually a flu vaccine is created from a dead version of the virus which is used to stimulate one’s immune response. In this case, however, it is believed that a novel approach must be adopted and that, in order to be truly effective, the vaccine must contain a judicious mix of fact, policy and historical knowledge. It is hoped that such a mixture will protect readers from a full-blown infection before the fall of 2012 at the very latest.

A Dobbsian World View

It’s official; longtime CNN anchor Lou Dobbs has resigned. The controversial host of "Lou Dobbs Tonight" reportedly felt constrained by his network’s policy of neutrality and impartiality.

"I tried to call things as I saw them," said Dobbs. "Like illegal immigration and foreign-born presidents. But I was always having to ratchet back my true feelings on the issues of the day."

CNN had reportedly urged Mr. Dobbs to moderate his opinions but the popular host apparently chafed under those restrictions. Now, however, he will be free to give full voice to his views on all manner of topics.

"Sure, I came down hard on illegal immigration," the former host said. "But I could only tell half the story. It turns out that illegal Hispanics are not the worst of it. When you really examine the issue of illegal aliens, it’s hard not to avoid the indisputable fact that most of them are true aliens coming from other solar systems."

Pressed to provide further details, Dobbs at first said that he would wait to expand and expound on these new controversial views when he had assumed a new hosting position. In the end, however, he couldn’t resist.

"Let’s just say that true illegal aliens are even trickier and more troubling than those folks sneaking over our southern border," said the former financial reporter. "And once I have nailed down a new TV host position, I’ll be able to discuss the matter in more detail."

Although Dobbs wouldn’t say too much, it appears that he sees more trouble on the horizon for America.

"A lot of folks dismiss the Birther movement," said Dobbs. "But I think there’s a lot more to it than meets the eye. If you check into the president’s history, you can’t even find a birth record for him from Kenya. And when you hear the name Barack Obama, it’s hard to place it in any country on this planet. I don’t know what kind of records they keep in the Alpha Centauri star system but I wouldn’t be surprised to find Barack Obama filed right between Banik Oaruma and Bornak Ozckx."

Without giving too much away, Mr. Dobbs hinted that he’s also prepared to demonstrate how John Kerry’s Swift Boat Navy service gave rise to global warming which in turn has secretly necessitated the implementation of death panels.

"It’s not like I’m finding a conspiracy under every rock," said Dobbs. "But I wouldn’t be surprised to find something under every second or third rock."

As for a potential new anchor position for the populist porcine pundit, his initial optimism about landing a new gig may be misplaced. "Yes we’ve had an enquiry," said Fox News’s Glenn Beck. "And we think the world of Lou but, let’s face it, he’s too nutty even for us."

White House Trick-or-treaters

It’s Halloween and that means American homes from coast to coast will be visited by scary costumed trick-or-treaters. And that includes the nation’s First Residence: The White House. Here are some of the frightening visitors President Obama can expect this Saturday night.

The Clintons
Hillary drops by to remind Obama what he can expect in 2012 if he doesn’t give her some more treats. She’s not saying she’ll run against him in three years’ time but she’s not saying she won’t either. But if Hillary doesn’t get what she wants, she may just unleash her sidekick Scary Bill.

The Birthers
They’re back and they’re scarier than ever. They’re the Birthers and now they’ve got a whole new crazy story about Obama’s non-American origins. It turns out that he was really born in the Panama Canal Zone as the love child of Che Guevara and former Black Panther Angela Davis.

Joe Biden
He looks friendly and harmless but once he opens his mouth, he can scare the bejesus out of the president. Dressed as a loose canon, Joe Biden also has loose shoes, loose lips and a loose tongue.

Nobel Peace Prize
It hasn’t gone away and it’s even creepier than before. Now the prize is showing up to remind Obama that he has to come to Oslo in December to accept an award that he’s done little to deserve. Like an albatross hanging around his neck, it looks like this prize will haunt him for years.

Sgt. Joseph Crowley
Recently transferred from the Boston police force, Sgt. Crowley pays a Halloween visit to The White House after receiving an anonymous report of a scary black man trying to break in. Hopefully the president won’t protest or he might be charged with GWB - governing while black.

The Public Option
Just when the president thought it had died, the Public Option is back and it’s as frightening as ever with its scary threats of government involvement and universal access. If Obama can’t drive a stake through its Medicare-shaped heart, the Public Option may kill healthcare reform forever.

Sarah Palin
This year, the former Alaska governor is wearing a new scary costume; she’s coming as a Death Panel. In a frightening ironic twist for Obama, the more he attacks Ms. Palin with facts and logic, the stronger she becomes.

The Campaign Promises
This group of Halloween visitors is the president’s worst nightmare. Whether it’s Healthcare Reform; Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell; or The Iraq War, their appearance is a scary reminder of goals unmet. If this gang of trick-or-treaters keeps coming back, Obama may have to find a new residence in three years.

Glenn Beck
Dressed as the Race Card, Glenn Beck drops by to accuse Obama of hating white people. Although the president might protest that the only white person he hates is Glenn Beck, Mr. Beck won’t let truth and rationality defeat his scary demagoguery.

The American Voter
Possibly the scariest visitor to The White House, the American Voter is as crazy and unpredictable as an Oxycontin-fueled, right-wing radio talk show host. One minute he wants change and the next minute he doesn’t. Frightening as it is to consider, this spooky character twice elected George W. Bush.

A Brand New Philly Phanatic

Hey Philadelphians. Do me a favor. Do whatever you can to help your Phillies beat the Yankees.

It’s not that I’m a genuine Phillies fan. In fact, if truth be told, I’m still a Montreal Expos fan. That’s right; the same hapless Expos who slunk out of town five years ago to become the hapless Washington Nationals.

In fact, I can’t really say that I owe any one team an allegiance at this point. But there is one thing I do know. Through thick and thin, from my earliest baseball memory to my latest diamond disappointment, there has been one faithful, abiding constant: I hate the New York Yankees.

No matter who wore the Yankee pinstripes over the last fifty years, I disliked them. That encompasses an historical hate on that includes Mickey Mantle, Derek Jeter and every pinstripes-wearing player in between.

So when I ask you Philadelphians to do your best to cheer on your team, it’s not because of a soft spot for the Phillies or even a mild preference for National League teams. It’s a request born of something much deeper and stronger: Yankee hatred.

I think most of you understand where I’m coming from. After all, the Yankees are a franchise whose fans are whining because they haven’t won a World Series since 2003. Big deal. You folks know what a real Series-winning drought is and it sure ain’t six years.

Philly fans have experienced disappointment over the years. Despite making it to the World Series seven times, the team has only won two titles and the first one didn’t come until 1980, a Chicago Cubs-sized dry spell if there ever was one.

And when it comes to disappointments, let’s not forget one of the biggest chokes in baseball history, the 1964 6½-game Phold under manager Gene Mauch. That’s the same Gene Mauch who guided the Montreal Expos to their perennial second division finishes for the first seven years of their existence.

Some might say: "Hey, the Phillies won it last year; it’s time for someone else to get a chance." Oh yeah? Someone other than the Yankees maybe. But with the Bronx Bombers, we’re talking about baseball’s richest franchise, a franchise that has won 40 American League pennants and 26 - count ‘em 26 - World Series titles.

The Yankees need another championship like Philadelphia needs another cracked bell. Given your team’s long-suffering history, back-to-back Series victories is not asking for too much. Let those damn Yankees wait for a change. Let them see what it’s like to go decades without a title.

So let me hear you this Saturday when the bad guys show up at Citizens Bank Park. Give them a little taste of brotherly hate and, with any luck, they’ll be run out of town by Sunday night. Not only will Philadelphians celebrate but so will I and millions of other temporary Philly fans.

Obama Re-gifts the Nobel

Ever since the news broke about this year’s Nobel Peace Prize, it’s been pretty clear that President Obama is not that happy to receive it. As with any unwanted gift, there are a number of ways to get rid of it. One of the most popular options is re-gifting as shown by these recently revealed e-mails:

Hillary Clinton
Thanks for offering me the Nobel Peace Prize, Barack. It’s potentially a great honor but I just wouldn’t feel right about accepting it. Those Norwegian guys gave it to you and I think that you should keep it. I’m sure it will be a big plus for you if you ever decide to run for reelection.

Bill Clinton
Thanks for the offer, big guy. I’d really like to take it ‘cause I know that no one has done more to promote world peace and friendly relations than me. But Hillary says I’ll be back in the doghouse if I let you off the hook.

George W. Bush
It was great to hear from you Bobama. Hope all is well in The White House. Did you ever find that extra trillion dollars I hid in the Oval Office? Just kidding; I’m pretty sure I left nothing behind. As for the prize, thanks but no thanks. That middle east mess is all yours now, buddy.

Benjamin Netanyahu
Oy vey! I almost fell off my chair I was laughing so hard. I know you probably don’t deserve the prize but I have to admit that I probably deserve it even less. Plus, it’s kind of a bad luck charm around here if you remember what happened to the last Israeli who got it.

Hamid Karzai
You’re kidding, right? My country’s overrun with Taliban and I can’t even fix my reelection without everybody getting all democratic on me. Believe me, the last thing I need is a secondhand peace prize.

Kim Jong-il
Whoa, whoa! Not so fast. You always giving me hard time about nuclear bombs and rocket testing and all that crazy stuff. Now you want me to do you a favor? How about we talk this over and you tell me what’s in it for me? I was thinking maybe a case of Scotch, a Rolex and a couple of iPods.

Mahmoud Ahmajinedad
Sure, I’ll take it. Does it come with any money or fissionable material?

An Unseasonable Election

With all this talk of a fall election, it behoves us to consider the merits of an autumnal trip to the polling booth. Is that really the best time?

Personally, I love the fall. Crisp, clear, sunny days with cool nights perfect for sleeping. But is it a good time for an election?

I would say no. After all, why would we want to take away any days from this delightful season? Given our short summers, it would be a crime to reduce our opportunities to enjoy the fall colors and the fall harvest.

Plus we’re pretty busy this time of year. The kids are back at school, the workplace is in post-vacation mode and Halloween preparations are already under way.

So if a fall election is out, what about a winter election? Who would care if a campaign interrupted our six-month annual hibernation?

Well, I would for one. It’s true that there’s not a lot to look forward to during winter. Our time is taken up with such horrid chores as shovelling snow, changing winter tires, washing dirty cars and endlessly putting on and taking off layers of heavy clothing.

Why would we want to insert another unwanted chore in the middle of this season from hell? Canadian winters are depressing enough as it is without throwing in an election campaign to boot. It’s tough enough to make it to spring without listening to Messrs. Harper, Ignatieff, Layton and Duceppe for five straight weeks.

So what about spring? It’s the season of renewal, of new life, new hopes and new beginnings. Surely those metaphors alone should auger well for an election.

Not so fast. Yes, spring is great. But remember, this is Canada. Spring generally lasts all of five weeks which it just so happens is the typical length of a federal election campaign.

Do you want to remember spring as a five-week, coast-to-coast gabfest by our feckless leaders? I didn’t think so.

Which leaves us summer. A lovely season when it occasionally decides to show up. But not the time to hold an election.

Summer is our one chance to get away from it all. And "all" includes politics in general and elections in particular.

As Vivaldi might have said: "So much for the four seasons." So when should we have an election? Personally, I’d say let’s hold an election any time so long as it’s not in the spring, summer, winter or fall. I think most Canadians would be on board with such a seasonable proposal.

Death Panel Implementation

In his recent address to Congress, President Obama derisively dismissed Sarah Palin’s accusation that the Democrats’ healthcare reform package includes provisions for so-called death panels. But recently leaked White House documents suggest that maybe the former Alaska governor was right.

Memorandum *** TOP SECRET ***

To: The President
From: Some Guy
Re: Death Panel Proposal

Once a final bill has been agreed to by both the House and the Senate, it will be time to start planning ahead for the creation, composition and regulation of the new Death Panels.

First off, I strongly suggest that we change the term Death Panel. Secret polling has revealed that an overwhelming majority of respondents don’t react well to that phrase. We’ve been kicking around a few other names for your consideration and have attached them as Schedule A.

Personally, I’m kind of partial to The Taxpayer Reduction Tribunal. Anything that includes the words "tax" and "reduction" is bound to sound good to a lot of voters.

I also like The End-of-life Planning Board and The Early Checkout Council. Everyone likes to plan and an early checkout suggests efficiency and convenience.

Next, of course, you’re gong to have to set your mind to the board’s structure. We’re thinking literally of a tribunal, as in panels of three so we won’t get stuck with tie votes when it comes to final decisions. The last thing a dying citizen needs is uncertainty when it comes to end-of-life choices.

As for those end-of-life choices, I think we should encourage the tribunal to issue their final decisions with as many options as possible to the prospective decedent. It’s always nice to think you have some say over your final fate even if all of the available choices lead to the same result. In this regard, we’re hoping to get group discount rates on everything from cyanide to handguns to help the public minimize the expense of judgment implementation.

So long as the panel hearing a particular case leaves it up to the individual coming before them to effect the panel’s final ruling, they can’t be faulted for just doing their job. I think we’ll only run into problems when overzealous tribunal members insist on carrying out the final decisions themselves.

Of course there will be difficult cases where applicants may not want to abide by the tribunal decision. Sadly, it may be necessary to assist certain reticent individuals to see the wisdom of the tribunal’s ruling.

As with other government functions, we think it would be wise to consider sub-contracting out the job in such cases to designated, pre-approved "death consultants." I understand that there is already a lengthy waiting list of eager applicants.

Finally, in order to achieve some much-needed "buy-in", we strongly recommend that the Chairperson’s position be paid at a significantly higher level and that a prominent American be appointed. We understand that Governor Palin is currently looking for work. If you could convince her to sign on, we think that could be a win-win-win situation for you, Ms. Palin and the American healthcare system.

Dr. Politics

A leaked transcript of a recent D. C.-area therapy session:

DR. POLITICS: Come on in, Mr. Party. Lie down and let’s begin.
G. O. PARTY: Sure, doc, and thanks for seeing me on such short notice.
DR. POLITICS: Not a problem. I always have time for my regular patients. However, I note that I haven’t seen you in over eight years? How have you been?
G. O. PARTY: Not so good. I was doing great for the longest time and then all of a sudden I just lost it.
DR. POLITICS: When you say "lost it", what exactly do you mean?
G. O. PARTY: I mean I lost a majority in the Senate, a majority in the House and the presidency. About all I’ve got left are a few governorships and Rush Limbaugh.
DR. POLITICS: Wow! You’ve certainly been through some rough times.
G. O. PARTY: Yeah, and it’s not looking any brighter doc. What am I going to do?
DR. POLITICS: Now as I recall, you went through a similar experience back in the nineties. Is that right? Maybe we can learn something from how you handled that depression.
G. O. PARTY: Yes I did but that was different. Back then, I sometimes had a House majority and, even though I didn’t have the presidency, I had ways of coping.
DR. POLITICS: Jog my memory, G. O. How did you cope back then?
G. O. PARTY: Well I just kept digging up dirt on the incumbent and calling him out on all his sexual improprieties. It was easy and, to tell you the truth, it was a lot of fun. But these days, that doesn’t work at all.
DR. POLITICS: How so?
G. O. PARTY: You see, doc, even though this new guy’s from Chicago, he’s clean as a whistle. I just can’t get any dirt on him. In fact, this time, it’s my friends who keep getting caught with their pants down. It’s downright depressing.
DR. POLITICS: Maybe it’s time to change tactics, G. O. Rather than trying to undermine the other side, perhaps you’d do better if you concentrated on yourself, came up with some new ideas and adopted a more positive attitude..
G. O. PARTY: That’s easy for you to say doc but, honestly, I haven’t had a new idea in years and I’m not sure I’ve got any to offer. How about "More war and less tax"?
DR. POLITICS: No, no, no. That’s not what I meant. Why not hold a policy convention and create a new platform? Or how about working with the other side to come up with some constructive compromises? You’ll be surprised how much better you’ll feel if you try to help others.
G. O. PARTY: I don’t know, doc. I really miss the Bush years. We got to do and say whatever we wanted to and we didn’t have to be nice to anyone. Why can’t things be like that again?
DR. POLITICS: I’m sorry but I see that our time is up. I suggest we book a series of appointments to work on your issues, G. O. Are you free for the next eight years?