Friday, December 21, 2007

On Beyond Oprah

As the presidential primary races heat up, the candidates are engaging in a battle of high profile endorsements. The latest winner is Barack Obama who garnered the full, active support of Oprah Winfrey. In order to keep pace, the remaining contenders have reportedly signed on some big names, too.

Rudy Giuliani
Not to be outdone, Rudy Giuliani has managed to obtain one of the highest placed endorsements available: himself. "Yes," said the former mayor. "I’m the guy who saved New York City after 9/11 and I think — heck, I know — that I’m the best man for the job." With the full support of one of America’s most famous heros, Mr. Giuliani is hoping his campaign will get a much needed boost and surpass his current survey numbers. "I’m sure my own self-support should be good for at least a 9 or 11-point bump in the polls."

Hillary Clinton
For most of the campaign, it appeared that the support of her husband Bill was all Hillary Clinton needed to win. But now with Oprah’s entry into the race, she has sought and obtained bigger endorsements. Most surprising of the lot is the one from George W. Bush. "I wholeheartedly endorse Senator Clinton for the Democratic nomination," said Mr. Bush. "After all, she’s our best chance for victory in November."

Mitt Romney
Since his "Faith in America" speech didn’t translate into increased support among evangelical voters, Mitt Romney is looking elsewhere to defuse the issue of his religion. It appears that he may have found the answer with his, or anybody’s, highest endorsement to date: Pope Benedict XVI. "Let’s face it," said the former Massachusetts governor. "I’m getting nowhere with those born-again folks so I might as well go for the whole enchilada." Although the Pope was apparently somewhat reticent about supporting a Mormon, he figured it was better than signing on with "one of those heathen Democrats."

John Edwards
So far, John Edwards has had little success in attaining high profile support but it’s not for lack of opportunities. Democrats from Jimmy Carter to John Kerry to Al Gore have offered their support. However, since Mr. Edwards still hopes to win the nomination, he graciously declined the three offers.

John McCain
Often criticized for being too old to run for President, John McCain has found the boost he needs with endorsements from young celebrities. Everyone from Lindsay Lohan to Paris Hilton has climbed aboard the Straight Talk Express to give the Arizona senator instant credibility with the younger generation. "Look," said McCain. "If all it takes is to stock my bus with the booze and pills today’s kids like, I think the payoff is more than worth it." When asked what she likes best about her new favorite candidate, Britney Spears said: "His bus is a 24/7 party and I don’t have to drive!"

Fred Thompson
As another candidate suffering under the "too old" label, Fred Thompson desperately needed an injection of non-artificial "hip" into his candidacy. And it appears that he got it with a celebrity endorsement trifecta. The Thompson campaign recognized the importance of getting support from celebrities, like Oprah, who are so famous that they are known by a single name. As of today, the former senator from Tennessee reportedly has the backing of Sting, Bono and Cher and he’s still hoping to get Madonna, Prince and Pink to sign on. "I don’t know who the heck these people are," said Thompson. "But they tell me that they’re real famous and that’s good enough for me. I just wish Elvis and Liberace were still alive."

Dennis Kucinich
Perennial candidate Dennis Kucinich continues to lag behind the frontrunners particularly after his admission of a UFO sighting. But now that incident may actually work in his favor with the announcement of endorsements from Thorak of Theta V and Meesop from Remulon. "Now if I could only get the nod from Tom Cruise and Shirley Maclaine," said the diminutive Democrat. "I’d have a lock on the entire nutbar constituency."

Thursday, December 20, 2007

"W" On Steroids

Former Senator George Mitchell has released his report and the results are devastating. Dozens of baseball stars have been named as steroid users. But few people are aware that Mr. Mitchell’s investigation ranged far beyond baseball. Seldom reliable sources have leaked these unpublished excerpts from the Mitchell Report:

George W. Bush
Given his surprise victory in 2000, rumours circulated for years that President Bush was abusing performance-enhancing substances. There is some evidence that he used dimpled and hanging chads to help secure his victory and it has now been proven that, on at least one occasion, he used the very powerful right wing of the Supreme Court. If there was any doubt about Mr. Bush’s abuse of performance drugs, such doubt was completely erased by his unexpected 2004 reelection. Apparently large doses of post-9/11 fear and dirty campaign tricks helped the President perform way beyond his natural abilities. Sadly, as is the case with many users, the effects of such drug abuse have been felt far beyond his immediate family, some say
all the way to Iraq.

Dick Cheney
For years, keen observers wondered how the Vice President could function at such a high level considering his heart problems. Now it turns out that he was using a whole range of uncontrolled substances to keep himself going. Mr. Cheney ingested all kinds of powerful and hallucinatory drugs like WMDs, Osama ties and Middle East democracy spreaders. Sadly, these substances tend to require bigger doses and then new, even stronger more dangerous drugs. If the Vice President doesn’t get help soon, experts warn he may well start using Iranian-bound nukes.

Hillary Clinton
It wasn’t evident early on that the former First Lady was a user. More recently, however, the telltale signs were there when she exhibited such typical symptoms as flip flopping, aggressiveness and outright denial. It turns out that Ms. Clinton was an eight-year user of something called White House residency, a highly addictive drug that causes severe withdrawal and an almost obsessive desire for more. Usually family members can be counted on to help users kick this nasty habit but, sadly, it appears that her husband Bill is a co-dependent user and abuser.

Rudy Giuliani
As a former prosecutor and mayor of New York City, Rudy Giuliani was a hard-nosed politician who alienated almost everyone he encountered. But ever since he started injecting daily doses of the political steroid 9/11, he’s become a changed man. 9/11 is a potent concoction that tends to dramatically alter a user’s personality traits making even the most curmudgeonly person likeable. "From zero to hero" is the expression some users have adopted to describe the powerful transformation this drug can have on them. 9/11 can also apparently make users do uncharacteristic things like seek approval and endorsements from fundamentalist preachers and the NRA.

Oprah Winfrey
It may come as a surprise to most Americans that Oprah Winfrey is a substance abuser. Although she professes to be clean, it recently became apparent that she is using. Her drug of choice is something called Obama ‘08, a new potent mix of youth and liberalism that is injected aurally. One dose of Obama is so addictive that it makes some users see a whole new rose-colored America. So far, there is no known cure although an actual electoral victory will likely bring even the highest user back to reality.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Brian's Top Ten Mistakes List

During his recent appearance before the Commons ethics committee, Brian Mulroney detailed the two biggest mistakes he had ever made, the first being ever agreeing to meet Karlheinz Schreiber and the second being accepting a cash payment from the German businessman. Due to time constraints, however, the former Prime Minister wasn’t able to list the other eight items on his top ten list of mistakes:

3. Taking Schreiber’s money in thousand dollar bills. Twenty dollar bills would have been more convenient and harder to trace.

4. Putting the cash in a safety deposit box. I don’t know what I was thinking. It would have been a lot easier to just stuff it under the mattress or let Mila buy some new shoes.

5. Forgetting to pay taxes on the Schreiber cash in 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 1997, 1998. I was sure we changed the regulations back in ‘87 so that taxes on cash-in-envelope payments were only due at the end of each decade.

6. Meeting Mr. Schreiber for the third, fourth and fifth times. This could count as three mistakes but after getting fooled twice maybe they should only count collectively as one.

7. Sending a Christmas card every year to Mr. Schreiber although there’s nothing wrong with that ‘per se.’

8. Saying of Bryce Mackasey "there’s no whore like an old whore." In retrospect, that probably wasn’t fair.

9. Not trying again for constitutional reform after the failures of the Meech Lake and Charlottetown Accords. I know I could have succeeded on the third attempt or possibly on the fourth shot but definitely by the fifth try.

10. Not running for a third time. If I had known that Kim Campbell was so despised by the Canadian electorate, I would have stayed on to ensure a third Conservative majority.

Monday, December 10, 2007

Canada"s Secret Santa

As Christmas rapidly approaches, I’m feeling a wave of seasonal generosity. With all those folks out there in need, I’d like to help out by being their secret Santa.

I don’t know if it’s too late, but first I’d like to help Brian Mulroney. Our former prime minister is obviously suffering and all because of a measly gift from that troublemaker Karlheinz Schreiber.

As Mr. Mulroney’s secret Santa, I’m willing to take the $300,000 he received from Mr. Schreiber off his hands. No cash; no problem. Right? If necessary, I’ll even pay the income tax.

Now it may be that Mr. Mulroney won’t need my generous offer. After all, the last time he went through this, he came away with $2.1 million. Maybe he’s thinking there’s more where that came from.

But if he’s having any doubts, I’m here for him. Taking $300,000 is not much of a hardship for me. And if it can help to restore Mr. Mulroney’s sterling reputation, I’m more than happy to help.

Next, I’d like to do what I can for poor Stephen Harper. Here’s a man who was riding high and running a very successful, one-man show. But then he made a rookie mistake and decided to do the "right" thing and call a public inquiry.

As former prime minister Jean Chretien says: "Inquiries are not the best way to solve problems." In fact, they generally do nothing but cause headaches for the person who calls them. Just ask Paul Martin.

I’m guessing that by now Stephen Harper is regretting his decision and wishing for a way out. I think I, as his new secret Santa, can provide that way out.

I’m sure that Dr. David Johnston is a fine choice to head up the Airbust inquiry, assuming that you actually want to get at the truth. But in politics, getting at the truth creates a lot of collateral damage and plenty of victims along the way.

That’s where I come in. Since I am not burdened with a spotless reputation or a sense of public duty, I’d be a perfect candidate to replace Dr. Johnson.

Within days, I’m sure that I can find a technicality or two to bring the entire inquiry to a screaming halt. And if that doesn’t work, I’ll be happy to resign midway through thereby torpedoing the whole thing and getting Stephen off the hook. Of course, I’d still get my $1,400 per diem payments until it’s over. A definite win-win situation.

As for Stéphane Dion, I don’t think there’s much I can do. Stephen Harper just handed him the best Christmas gift ever, an inquiry that’s sure to keep on giving long after the Christmas season is over. Yet, even with that ribbon-wrapped present, he can’t get any traction. The best I can do for him is a Senate appointment and an offer to serve as interim Liberal leader until such time as Michael Ignatieff and Bob Rae destroy each other.

Finally, I have a little something for my fellow Canadians who are holding U.S. dollars. Give them all to me in exchange for Canadian dollars at par and be done with your currency headaches. In two years the Canadian dollar will probably be worth $1.50 US and you’ll be laughing all the way to the bank. No need to thank me. That’s just what we secret Santas do.

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Washington's Secret Santa

Christmas is almost here and ‘tis the season for giving and receiving. Here’s what some Washington-based folks have on their secret Santa wish list:

George W. Bush
* a blooming democracy in the Middle East or at least one in the Midwest
* no more threatening memos from Dick Cheney
* a dictionary but not one of those fancy Oxford ones, just one of those easy-to-read ones with the big print and the pictures
* a "Dallas"-like declaration that the last seven years was all just a dream

Hillary Clinton
* one more gigantic Bush screw-up
* a fifty-cent dollar
* a strong, unequivocal position on an issue, any issue
* a Taser-equipped chastity belt for Bill

Rudy Giuliani
* a pre-election terrorist attack on American soil big enough to scare everyone into voting Republican again
* endorsements from the Pope and the devil
* nine ladies dancing and eleven pipers piping

Bill Clinton
* eight more years in The White House, this time with even fewer responsibilities
* a working wife
* the secret combination for the lock on that chastity belt

Mitt Romney
* poll results showing overwhelming voter preference for flip-floppers
* Pope Benedict’s conversion to Mormonism
* longer lasting black spray-on hair shellac
* no last minute verbal gaffes à la papa George’s "brainwashing" quote in 1967

Barack Obama
* a new middle name, anything other than Hussein except maybe bin Laden
* discovery of an American slave ancestor or two
* a big can of anti-estrogen spray

Fred Thompson
* official Ronald Reagan orange hair dye
* more "Law and Order" residuals so we can afford a washroom on the campaign bus
* an implanted defibrillator to keep me awake during debates

John Edwards
* the discovery of some kind of personal minority status not involving sexual orientation
* fewer trial lawyer pals
* a permanent, on-call hair stylist

John McCain
* a renewed public interest in Vietnam POWs
* the missing "X" from the Straight Talk Express
* a shot at being the oldest President in 2012
* fewer comparisons to Harold Stassen

Dennis Kucinich
* a UFO appearance on national, prime time TV
* a new study showing the intellectual superiority of short men
* a hometown other than Cleveland

The American people
* no more wars with four-letter Middle Eastern nations beginning with "I"
* the return of conservative bankers
* payment in Canadian dollars
* no more Clintons in The White House for at least a generation
* no more Bushes in The White House ever