Thursday, October 18, 2018

O Cannabis



   
     Well, it’s official; as of October 17th, recreational marijuana is legal in Canada. We’re the first G7 country to legalize weed and only the second worldwide to do so after Uruguay.
     The federal government and Prime Minister Justin Trudeau claim that the country is ready for this dramatic change and that everything is in place to ease the transition to a pro-bud nation. However, given that Canada’s provinces and territories are the ones responsible for regulating marijuana sales and use, it’s far from clear that it will be smooth sailing for weed aficionados. Each jurisdiction will have its own rules and regulations which may create confusion for those traveling throughout Canada, especially those under the influence.
     It’s likely that there will be lots of bumps to iron out in this new Cannabinoid Canada but those in charge seem to be up to the task. In order to minimize confusion and to harmonize marijuana laws from coast to coast to coast, it is rumored that the federal government will be taking the following steps:
*   Serious attempts will be made to standardize various provincial regulations. In the interim, the federal government will publish “The Dope Smokers’ Handbook” to help educate interprovincial travelers as to the cross-country differences.
*   The legal limit for carrying marijuana in public is 30 grams or about one ounce. The federal government is reportedly developing a new mini-scale phone app to help consumers stay within the legal limit.
*   Eventually, the Canadian government will also legalize marijuana edibles including cookies, chocolate and poutine.
*   Canada’s flag will be slightly altered to change the central red maple leaf to a red marijuana leaf.
*   Henceforth, the country’s national anthem will be revised from “O Canada” to “O Cannabis.”
*   Canada’s national symbol will be changed from the beaver to a stoned moose.
*   Canadian Thanksgiving will be moved from the second Monday in October to October 17th. (Contrary to some rumors, 4/20 or April 20th will not be proclaimed a national statutory holiday.)
*   Legislation is reportedly being drafted to severely limit marijuana use by federal politicians in Ottawa to ensure they maintain a high level of sobriety and productivity in Parliament. Some citizens are apparently lobbying against such proposed legislation on the assumption that the less politicians can do, the better. 

Tuesday, October 16, 2018

U. S. v. Anheuser-Busch


     It’s now official; Brett Kavanaugh has been sworn in as the latest Associate Justice on the U. S. Supreme Court. For those wondering how he’ll perform, here’s a look at some likely future decisions by Justice Kavanaugh:
U. S. v. Anheuser-Busch
     This is an anti-trust action against Anheuser-Busch, brewer of many fine beers including Budweiser and Bud Light. As a subsidiary of AB InBev, Anheuser-Busch is alleged to have abused its dominant market position. However, as a longtime fan of beer in general and Bud Light in particular, I cannot countenance any divesting or breakup of this fine company. When I was young, I liked beer. I still like beer and, in my opinion, the best way to ensure a ready supply of that golden nectar throughout this great land of ours is to let Anheuser-Busch do what it does best: make beer.
Clinton v. Clinton
     As noted by counsel on both sides, it is highly unusual to have a divorce action elevated to the Supreme Court. But, when it comes to the Clintons, nothing is unusual. Some have suggested that I recuse myself from this case because of my comment that the Democrats’ attack on my nomination was “revenge on behalf of the Clintons.” All I can say to that is “nonsense.” My many years on the bench have taught me to be completely fair and totally impartial which is why I vote to dismiss both claims and award costs against both parties.
Underwood v. Trump
     The New York State Attorney General initiated criminal proceedings against President Donald Trump based on allegations of tax avoidance and fraud. Apart from the fact that I can’t believe that our president would engage in such actions, I feel compelled to note that, in my opinion, it is clear that this Court cannot entertain criminal charges against a sitting president at least not while he is still in office. And even after that, I think I would find it hard to allow such proceedings given my personal knowledge of the defendant and his sterling reputation.
U . S. v. Judge, Tobin, Squi et al.
     This is an appeal of a sexual assault case involving several young men and an anonymous female victim based on alleged incidents from the 1980s. Notwithstanding that there is no statutory limitation on bringing such charges in the state of Maryland, I think there really ought to be. In any event, the prosecution’s case rested primarily on testimony referring to such actions as “boofing” and “Devil’s Triangle.” Given that the former only refers to flatulence and the latter is a harmless drinking game, I find that the basis of this action is without merit. Plus, these guys are my friends and I have their backs.
Jane Doe v. Faith Johnson
     It is ironic that this abortion case mirrors Roe v. Wade in almost all respects including the fact that the respondent is once again the Dallas County District Attorney. The appellant has relied on that 45-year-old Supreme Court precedent and also on my statement during my confirmation hearing that Roe v. Wade is settled law. Remember, however, that confirmation hearing testimony is not binding. What is truly binding is a promise like the promise I made to President Trump about how I would rule on abortion. All I can say at this point is “Promise made; promise kept.”

Wednesday, October 10, 2018

Presidential Alert System Warnings


     FEMA recently tested its Presidential Alert system which is designed to transmit warnings to cell phone users across the country. Although the system is primarily designed to warn of natural disasters, missile attacks and acts of terrorism, apparently it will also issue actual presidential alerts such as the following:
*    Beware! The President will be attending a campaign rally event in your area tonight. Be prepared for blustery rants, abundant non sequiturs and outright condemnations of reporters, foreigners and Democrats.
*     Alert! The New York Times is releasing an in-depth report on the President’s finances. Those in the Washington, D. C. area should take immediate cover due to a likely onslaught of presidential fake news accusations.
*     Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders and/or Barack Obama will be releasing a new book containing criticisms of Donald Trump. Citizens can expect a severe nationwide presidential Twitterstorm over the next 24 hours.
*     Attention! Attention! A hurricane is tracking toward your region of the country. Look for frequent but questionable presidential assurances of relief and support. (Not available in Puerto Rico or in certain blue states)
*       Be prepared for a severe outage of logical thought and proper grammatical usage as the President plans to go off script in delivering a speech tonight.
*     A severe warning to women everywhere since the President plans to comment on the issues of sexual harassment and assault.
*    Groups of Republican supporters are meeting in your region. Be ready for gross exaggerations of crowd enthusiasm and crowd size emanating from the White House.
*     Be on the lookout for an increase in presidential whoppers and mockeries followed by a sharp rise in dissembling and pivoting by Kellyanne Conway and Sarah Huckabee Sanders.
*      Presidential tax cuts have been spotted on the horizon. Hold on tightly to your wallet unless you are a member of the one percent.
*     Amber Alert! The First Lady is missing. If you happen to spot her, she requests that you not inform the President of her whereabouts.
*     Watch for influx of presidential assertions like “Many people are saying” and “Believe me.” Resultant increased falsehood count almost guaranteed.
*     Health alert issued for an aging Supreme Court justice. Expect a presidential flurry of potential far right nominee replacements.
*     Possible Democratic presidential landslide on November 3, 2020. Look for subsequent dismantling of Presidential Alert system.


Sunday, September 30, 2018

"Standup Monthly" Interview




     Standup Monthly magazine recently had a chance to interview the latest rising star in the field of standup comedy: D. J. Trump.
Standup Monthly: D. J., it’s an honor to interview you especially after your recent smash performance at the General Assembly Room of the United Nations Club on East 42nd Street in New York City.
D.J. Trump: Thank you. That was a great performance. I really killed, didn’t I? Especially the Iranians in the crowd.
Standup Monthly: Now that performance was a little different from your previous style. How did you change your act?
D.J. Trump: You’re right. I mixed things up a bit and started trying a little more exaggerated, over-the-top comedy like “My administration has accomplished more than almost any in U. S. history.” It was kind of a riff on my old routines like “My electoral victory was the biggest since Reagan’s” and “This was the biggest Inauguration crowd ever.” I think you could see how the crowd really ate that stuff up.
Standup Monthly:  Yes, they certainly did. But does that mean you’re giving up on your insult comedy?
D.J. Trump:  No, of course not. Remember; that’s what earned me my first success. Favorites like Lyin’ Ted, Crooked Hillary, Little Rocket Man. They’re what got me to where I am today so I’m not going to stop using them. Except maybe for Little Rocket Man. I met Kim recently, you know? We did a gig together in Singapore and we really hit it off. I think we could be bigger than Martin and Lewis or even me and Putin.
Standup Monthly: It’s clear that you have great success with U. S. crowds but some folks are saying that you don’t really appeal to international audiences.
D.J. Trump: Nonsense. Look at that UN crowd, for example. They were yukking it up like crazy.
Standup Monthly: Although some are saying they were laughing at you, not with you.
D.J. Trump: Believe me; they were laughing with me. Or at least if they know what’s good for them, they were laughing with me.
Standup Monthly: So what’s on the agenda for D. J. Trump? Are you planning a tour? Any local clubs you’ll be playing in the Washington area?
D.J. Trump: Well, if you hadn’t noticed, I’ve been touring regularly even before I moved to the White House. It’s kind of what I like to call the Eternal Campaign Rally tour. And we’re going to be ramping that up big time as we approach the first week of November topped off with a Tone Deaf Comedy Jam concert in D. C. on Tuesday, November 6th.
Standup Monthly: What’s in the future? Where do you see D. J. Trump in five years?
D.J. Trump: I think I’m only going to get better and better. I’m looking to try out some observational humor like Jerry Seinfeld and maybe even more physical comedy like Jerry Ford. Where do I see myself in five years? Well touring is tiring so I’d like to have my own personal concert venue in Washington kind of like what that Celine Dion broad has in Vegas. Then I could do two shows a night forever assuming we can get rid of that stupid 22nd Amendment.


Wednesday, September 26, 2018

Hurricane Donald




    It turns out that Hurricane Florence may not have been the storm of a lifetime but it definitely wreaked havoc with extensive flooding along the coast of the Carolinas and further inland. Although Florence has passed, we must remember that the hurricane season is far from over and that more devastating storms are on the way including this one recently identified by the National Weather Service:
NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE
National Hurricane Center – Storm Advisory for Hurricane Donald – Extreme Warning
     We continue to track Donald ever since it achieved hurricane status back in November of 2016. What was once predicted to be simply a minor tropical storm that would blow itself out in 2015 has unexpectedly continued to gain strength and now threatens not only coastal regions but the entire continental United States.
     Although some hurricanes like Florence move westward at a very slow pace, Donald is truly exceptional in that it has moved very little in the past two years. In fact, the eye of the storm remains centered over Washington, D. C. with particularly disruptive winds and storm surges in the specific area of the White House.
     Since its inception, Donald has left significant damage and destruction in its path. Puerto Rico was one of its early major victims but the damage caused has been widespread and extensive. The storm has managed to destroy innumerable regulations, cause significant harm to healthcare reforms and add immeasurably to the national debt.
     Those residing in lower income areas are urged to evacuate as soon as possible. Although Donald consistently promised to bring economic gains to all, to date, it has limited such results only to upper income neighborhoods.
     While Donald primarily attacks liberal coastal areas, it causes damage wherever it tracks. Even if your region appears to be safe, be advised that Donald creates dangerous subsidiary weather patterns such as unceasing campaign-like rallies and unpredictable Twitterstorms. It has even been known to become embedded with local tornadoes like the recently identified Stormy Daniels.
     Donald has yet to be accurately or adequately categorized. Once thought to be simply an annoying tropical depression, it has since surprisingly continued to jump categories beyond our standard measuring determinants to the point where, at this point, we can only call it an uncategorized storm.
     It continues to be difficult to predict the path and strength of this hurricane. Although we anticipated on several occasions that Donald would essentially self-destruct, it appears that whatever erratic and unstable action the storm takes only seems to strengthen it more.
     We are cautiously optimistic, however, that by early November, we will see Donald’s power lessened significantly by strong midterm election weather patterns emanating from the House and possibly the Senate. Yet given Donald’s unpredictability and penchant for achieving increased volume as well as the electorate’s historical absence of voter turnout, it may actually increase in strength and achieve the previously unassigned storm status of a Windbag 1.
     If Donald should persist beyond the upcoming election season, it may not blow itself out until 2020 unless, of course, it is intercepted by Typhoon Mueller. 



Thursday, September 20, 2018

Donald The Anonymous



MEMORANDUM                                          EXTRA SUPER TOP SECRET
TO:        My buddy Vlad
FROM:  Donnie J.
RE:        That N. Y. Times Op-Ed
     I gotta hand it to you, Vlad. I had my doubts about this plan but, like you said: “It will work like charm.”
     The failing New York Times was suckered again. I don’t know who they think they were dealing with in publishing that essay but it’s clear they had no idea it was one of your guys. Well done, Vlad.
     The sentence structure, grammar, word choice and syntax were brilliant. No one’s ever going to suspect that I was behind this op-ed because they’d never believe that I could write so well. Hell, I’d never believe I could write that well and, in fact, I can’t. But whoever you enlisted to draft it clearly did a fantastic job.
     So the fake news and all those stupid liberals are predictably going nuts over this. They’re calling for an investigation into what’s going on in the White House and calling for my head on a platter.
     What they don’t realize, of course, is that they’re playing right into my perfectly normal-sized hands. We’ll let them get even more riled up, Vlad, before we drop the other larger-than-normal shoe.
     Before that happens though, I gotta say I’m loving all the squirming and twisting by everyone in my Cabinet. People are saying that only some bright guy like Kelly or Mattis could have written something that coherent. It’s fun to watch those two look over their shoulder when making their denials of authorship.
     Of course no one’s claiming some clown like Ben Carson or Betsy deVos could have written the op-ed. Hell, those two can barely write their name.
     And I know I shouldn’t take pleasure in it but it’s even fun to watch members of my own family sweat. Room-temperature-IQ Eric isn’t worried since he’s not bright enough to know that he should be worried. But Don, Jr. and Ivanka are sweating bullets since they both know how to string a few nice sounding sentences together.
     This all kind of reminds me of that clever old geezer Ronald Reagan. Everyone thought he was a useful idiot but little did they know that he just played the part. Behind that clown-like facade was a brilliant tactician who managed to avoid any responsibility for Iran-Contra by repeatedly saying he couldn’t remember or “I don’t recall.”
     Well, I’m going to ride that same train to Crazytown right into a second term in office if everything plays out like you say, Vlad. Once the Democrats have gotten themselves so riled up they’re foaming at the mouth, we’ll convene an investigation to determine who wrote the op-ed.
     And guess who the investigation will find guilty? Hey, why am I asking you since you already know? That’s right: Jeff Sessions.
     What a clever move, Vlad. Like you always say: “One stone kill two birds.” I get to look presidential by convening and conducting a thorough investigation and, at the same time, I can dump that weenie Sessions. After that, it won’t take long to get rid of Mueller.
     Things are looking good for the midterms. Thanks to you helping those socialists win their Democratic primaries, I think we’ll be able to hang on to our majority in the House and then it’ll be clear sailing to a second term in 2020.
     Thanks again, Vlad. There’ll be a few extra rubles for your efforts in next month’s pay packet.

Wednesday, September 12, 2018

Adult Maintenance Schedule



      When you buy a new car, the dealer provides you with a suggested maintenance schedule, a list of recommended services to be carried out at various set intervals. Many of us follow those schedules faithfully. And why not? After all, a car is an expensive investment and it makes sense to keep it well maintained.
     But if we take that much care with our car, why wouldn’t we do the same with our own body? Hence, a suggested adult maintenance schedule:
Every year or 1,000 miles
Do visual inspection of exterior for any obvious signs of wear or incipient growths.
Check teeth and repair or replace any defective molars, incisors or bicuspids.
Check footwear and replace or repair as necessary.
Test eyesight and install corrective eyewear if needed.
Test compression and advise accordingly (e.g. - lose weight, exercise more, reduce salt intake).
Every ten years or 10,000 miles
Examine for any weight gain and replace belts where needed.
Lubricate all joints.
Check for proper moral bearings and adjust if required.
Rotate footwear and upgrade wardrobe.
Inspect intake valve and exhaust manifold for any leaking or improper functioning.
For male model, carefully examine hairline and take appropriate measures for any recession or male pattern baldness.
For female model, check for facial scratches or imperfections and apply necessary creams and oils or surgically alter if needed.
After 50 years or 50,000 miles
Examine marriage and adjust or replace as needed.
Check for impending mid-life crisis and provide sports car, facelift or younger mate as required.
Test eyesight and, if appropriate, fit with bi- or tri-focals depending on model type.
Replace any clogged or malfunctioning valves and arteries. 
Internally inspect exhaust pipe and remove any unwanted growths.
Check for power failures in the reproductive crankcase and medicate as needed.
Examine diet and remove all sugars, fats and alcohol.
Examine lifestyle and install speed governor to restrict physical movement to appropriate age level.
Check for sleep interruption and medicate if necessary.
For female model, check for flushing, overheating and mood swings.
For male model, check for repeated nighttime fluid evacuation and excessive dripping.
After 75 years or 75,000 miles
Check for pulse.
Replace any worn or malfunctioning joints.
Flush malfunctioning hoses and replace or medicate if required.
Rewrite warranty documentation including will, power of attorney, spare parts donation card, etc.
If nearing end of useful life, reinstall spiritual enquiry module if requested.
Offer customer option of pre-paid chassis removal service.

Friday, September 07, 2018

Donald Ain't No Don



“The silent circle of assent. The boss in complete control. The loyalty oaths. The us-versus-them worldview. The lying about all things, large and small, in service to some code of loyalty that put the organization above morality and above the truth.”

   - James Comey, A Higher Loyalty

    On more than one occasion, Donald Trump has been compared to a mob boss. Given his shady dealings and his insistence on loyalty and total control, his organization does seem to bear some similarities to the Mafia. But apparently actual mobsters have taken offense to these comparisons.
     Mr. Anthony “Nine Toes” Tonnucci, the new head of the Anti-defamation League of Cosa Nostra, recently spoke out in support of his membership.
     “We in the Mafia have devoted our lives to creating and maintaining certain standards of behavior, standards which we take great pride in. To see a two-bit outfit like the Trump organization being mentioned in the same breath as ours is not only troubling, it is also a huge insult to our people.”
     Although Mr. Tonnucci concedes that Mr. Trump may have had connections at one time or another to New York mobsters, he wants to make it clear that Trump’s actions were not in keeping with the ethical guidelines of the mob.
     “I know a lot of people have a negative image of us,” said Tonnucci. “But for the most part, it is unjustified. Although we may from time to time break certain so-called laws or even limbs, we take pride in always following our own strict internal rules.”
     As an example, Mr. Tonnucci pointed to contractual dealings between members.
     “Sure, we may not always comply with statutory requirements. From time to time, we may even exact certain financial or physical penalties against our competitors. But unlike that schlub Trump, we always honor our contracts (including the killing ones) and make our payments in full.”
     It seems that members of the Anti-defamation League also have a bone to pick with Donald Trump when it comes to how he runs his business.
     “As you know,” said Tonnucci. “We sometimes operate some less-than-kosher financial ventures but our ultimate goal is always to eventually turn everything into a legitimate, aboveboard business. In that regard, unlike that weasel Trump, we take pride in avoiding corporate bankruptcies at all costs.”
     Drawing parallels between the Trump family and any of the New York families seems to also rub mob members the wrong way.
     “While we know the Corleone family was fictional,” said Tonnucci. “We do consider them to be one of us and therefore take great offense when their name is slandered. In particular, it is offensive to call Trump Don Donald. He is no Vito Corleone and to suggest otherwise is to insult all great Mafia families.
     “Likewise, to suggest his son Don, Jr. is like Fredo Corleone is highly offensive. Although Fredo had his faults, they were sins of omission unlike the sins of commission made by Trump’s kid. And to say that Trump’s former lawyer Michael Cohen was like a mob attorney is insulting both to the Mafia and to mob attorneys everywhere. To even suggest that Cohen could wear the mantle of consigliere is laughable.”
     Apparently the League is not only concerned with Trump’s domestic activities; they also take issue with his foreign adventures and possible ties to the Russian mob.
     “The Russian mob is not American,” said Tonnucci. “Hell, they’re not even a real mob. That’s why we can’t abide any suggested connections between them, President Trump and us. We have a longstanding, hard-won image to protect and any dealing Trump may have had with Russian mobsters does nothing but tarnish the reputation of our homegrown mobsters. If Trump wants to truly make America great again, he should start by calling out those Russian thugs and standing up for his own country’s top crime bosses.”
     When asked what he wants Mr. Trump to do about all this, Tonnucci simply smiled and said: “Unless he likes sleeping with the fishes, I think Mr. Trump knows what’s expected of him.”

Tuesday, August 28, 2018

Maxime's E-mail Inbox



    Former Conservative Party leadership candidate Maxime Bernier has quit the Conservative caucus and is about to form his own right-wing party. Unidentified hackers have released the following e-mails from Bernier’s inbox:

TO:       Maxime
FROM: Andrew
     What the hell is going on here? I thought we had a deal: whoever won the PC leadership would get the full and unequivocal support of the loser. Now you’ve gone and pulled this stunt. You’re going to form your own party? May I suggest a name: the Know Nothing Party or the No MPs Party. I hope you freeze in hell or in Beauce which, after all, is pretty much the same thing.

TO:       Maxime
FROM: Jagmeet
     Congratulations on breaking out on your own and forming a new party. Canada has long been a proud multicultural and multiparty country and I think it’s great that you are adding to at least one of those traditions. Most of all, I want to sincerely thank you for taking this step at this particular time. Let’s just say it takes some of the heat off me in the NDP caucus.

TO:       Maxime
FROM: Stephen
     You’re really making me second guess some of my past decisions, particularly appointing you to three different Cabinet posts. You always were a bit of a pain in the ass but I figured making you a minister of this or that would keep you happy. Well, now that I’m not around to keep you on a short leash, look at the damage you’ve done? I may even have to come out of retirement to restore my reputation and reunite the right.

TO:       Maxime                                                                     CONFIDENTIAL
FROM: Kellie
     Hey, wassup, Max? Just heard you’re leaving the party and forming your own. How come you didn’t tell me? You know I’m a big fan and I know you’re a big supporter of Canadian values® so give me a call and we’ll set up a meeting. Just don’t tell that wimp, Andrew.
P.S. - Remind me to return your copy of Ayn Rand’s The Fountainhead. Great read, by the way.

TO:      Maxime
FROM: Doug
     Way to go, Maxie boy! I didn’t think you had it in you but I gotta say I’m impressed. That’s some pair of cojones, mon frère. Look, I know a lotta folks are saying your new party is dead in the water but just look at me. Who’d a thunk three years ago I’d be sitting here in Toronto leading the Progressive Conservatives? The only thing that galls is that word “progressive” so hang on and when I’m done here, I’d love to join your party. Buck-a-beer forever!

TO:      Maxime                                                                      TOP SECRET
FROM: Justin
     Congratulations Max. You know I’ve always been a secret admirer of yours. After all, we French Canadians have to stick together, eh? Even if I’m not from the Beauce or anywhere even that remotely Quebeçois. Anyway, I wish you the best of luck. Here’s hoping you win a bunch of seats in Quebec come the next election but just not the Liberal ones, LOL! Thanks again for ensuring a second Liberal majority government.

Saturday, August 11, 2018

Buck-A-Burger



     American President Harry S. Truman famously said “The buck stops here.” Ontario Premier Doug Ford, however, has done him one better. He’s decided that the buck doesn’t stop with him. It actually starts with him as evidenced by his new “buck-a-beer” initiative slated for implementation in time for the upcoming Labor Day weekend.

     But that’s just the beginning. Rumor has it that Premier Ford has tapped the top minds in his cabinet and plans to extend his “buck-a” thinking throughout the province.

     First up is his new “buck-a-coffee” initiative. Ford has reportedly contacted Tim Horton’s and wants them to bring back coffee pricing from the previous century as in a large cup of coffee for only a dollar. Apparently Starbucks was also contacted but expressed little interest unless the premier was willing to also implement a “five-bucks-a-coffee” program.
     Next up is Ford’s new “buck-a-burger” plan. He’s apparently hoping to convince fast food chains across the province to hearken back to the previous millennium and start offering hamburgers for a dollar a piece. McDonald’s claims they’re already close to that target and would only have to remove one patty in their McDouble to meet it.
     Also in the planning stages is the new “buck-a-liter” program. Ontario’s gasoline stations will be asked to sign on to this new minimum floor pricing. Canada’s oil companies apparently have no problem with this new legislated optional minimum price so long as they never have to meet it.
     Ontario’s smokers will undoubtedly be pleased to hear that Doug Ford is hoping to bring back “buck-a-pack” pricing for cigarettes. “It’s just cruel what folks have to fork out for a deck of smokes these days,” said the premier. “When I was a kid, you could get a whole pack for under a buck.” When asked about possibly implementing a “buck-a-joint” plan for marijuana sales like when he was young, Ford had no comment.
     Looking long term, Premier Ford is hoping to sell off the remaining government-owned shares in Ontario Hydro and let electricity rates be governed by the free market. Eventually, he hopes to convince private power generators to provide “buck-a-kilowatt-hour” which is roughly five times the current peak rate. “That Hydro debt’s not going to retire itself,” Ford reportedly quipped.
     Thinking outside the box has also generated the soon-to-be-popular “three-buck-breakfast” tentatively planned by the Tory government. “Remember back in the good old days when you could get two eggs, bacon, home fries, toast and coffee for $2.99?” said Ford. “Well, that’s something else I’d like to bring back.
     To help pay for his new programs and lost revenues due to planned tax cuts, Premier Ford is looking to pare expenses, especially in the healthcare sector. To that end, he hopes to introduce his new “buck-a-visit” program wherein every visit to a doctor’s office, dentist’s office, hospital, clinic and pharmacy would result in a one-dollar charge. “Think of the millions in revenue that will generate,” said Ford, unmindful of the roughly two-dollar administrative cost entailed in collecting each one-dollar fee.
     Finally, Doug Ford has made it clear that he was never happy with Kathleen Wynne’s rapidly implemented sizable increases to Ontario’s minimum wage. If he has his way, his new “buck-an-hour” initiative will reverse the extra one-dollar increase to $15 an hour scheduled for this coming January. Ford claims there is no truth to the rumor that he initially wanted to use the new “buck-an-hour” plan to reduce Ontario’s minimum wage to that of the good old days of 1963, namely one-dollar an hour. 

Tuesday, July 31, 2018

New Constitutional Amendments


    It seemed impossible that Donald Trump could win the Republican presidential nomination and yet he did. Then it seemed impossible that he could win the election but, against all odds, he did.
    And now Trump is running roughshod over the framework and principles of American governance. Clearly some new Constitutional amendments beyond the current 27 are sorely needed. New amendments like the following:
28th Amendment
     No person shall be elected to the office of the President if he (1) fails to reveal his income tax returns for the previous ten years, (2) has never held elected office or a rank in the military at any level or (3) is congenitally incapable of telling the truth.
29th Amendment
     The right of a citizen of the United States to vote shall be subject to the following conditions: (1) obtaining a high school diploma, (2) passing the equivalent of a citizenship test and (3) knowing the difference between true and false.
30th Amendment
     Congress may pass any law it deems necessary to limit campaign financing contributions by individuals, corporations or any other legal entity. Any allowable contribution must be made directly to a candidate and must not be made anonymously. Any 5-4 U. S. Supreme Court decision to the contrary whether having the word Citizens or the word United in its style of cause shall be null and void and of no effect.
31st Amendment
     The right to vote shall not be infringed or restricted by a citizen’s former criminal record, failure to own a photo ID or inability to pay for any such documentation.
32nd Amendment
     Gerrymandering from this point forward is unlawful. The drawing of Congressional district boundaries shall henceforth be left to an impartial neutral commission comprised of five honest citizens having no political party membership or affiliation.
33rd Amendment
     If two or more of a sitting President’s former or current Cabinet members refer to him as a moron, an idiot or an imbecile, that shall be grounds for impeachment.
34th Amendment
     No citizen who has orange hair, orange skin, an elaborate comb-over, an absence of conscience and an overinflated ego shall qualify for the office of President.
35th Amendment
     For the next ten years, no person shall be elected to the office of President who has attained the age of 74 or greater. This amendment automatically expires on January 1, 2029 or the death of the current incumbent whichever comes first.

Sunday, July 22, 2018

Invasion From The North


BULLETIN: Invasion Alert
TO:        All Americans
FROM:  U. S. Customs and Border Protection
     Recent attacks by Prime Minister Justin Trudeau against President Trump suggest that Canada is now on a wartime footing against our country and that we must remain ever vigilant.  
     President Trump has answered Mr. Trudeau’s incendiary attack with a typically measured response, stating that the Canadian prime minister made “false statements” and calling him “dishonest & weak.” Ordinarily such a response would be enough to silence a weak-willed state like Canada but recent intelligence indicates otherwise.
     It is easy to dismiss such a small player but Americans should be aware that there are methods other than military that Canada can employ. In particular, we must be on guard for an invasion of illegal Canadian immigrants seeking to undermine our nation.
     Thanks to a 4,000-mile undefended and overly porous border, millions of barely-documented Canadians threaten to overrun the United States. Unless we take action now, we risk becoming a minority in our own country.
     Most Americans see little or no evidence of this invasion since they live in areas that so far have been spared an influx of Canadians. However, those living within fifty miles of the border have likely run into more than one of these folks usually while shopping at the local mall.
     Although these Canadian “shoppers” tend to blend in, there are a number of tell-tale signs. During winter months, these folks often wear down vests, oversized boots and knitted hats they call “tuques.” In the summer, they are often spotted sporting Bermuda shorts, socks and sandals.
     Other identifying indicia include attempts at spending their own Monopoly-style currency consisting of different colored bills and large coins called “loonies” and “toonies.” Although many of these folks speak what generally passes for English, their repeated use of the words “eh?” and “sorry” tends to give them away.
     If in doubt, ask the suspected Canadian to spell such words as “honor”, “neighbor” or “color.” Typically, they’ll add the letter “u.” If they’re clever enough to avoid that trap, they’ll more than likely fail the test of identifying the word “check.” If they spell it “cheque”, you’ve caught yourself a Canadian.
     Regrettably, this immigration problem is not restricted to the northern border area. For decades now, and most often from November to April, millions of these folks continue further south bypassing the northern areas and overrunning certain southern states, particularly Florida and Arizona.
     These so called “snowbirds” seem to think that it is their right to take up residence wherever the temperature is above 70 degrees (or 21 degrees Celsius, as they call it). These winter visitors tend to be older and, as with the summertime cross-border shoppers, favor Bermuda shorts, socks and sandals.
     A more recent trend of Canadian immigration is the insidious introduction of their cultural traits into American society. Many of these immigrants speak of such things as “socialized medicine”, “gun control” and “welfare” thereby infecting many Americans with dangerous alien concepts and threatening our cultural institutions and our very way of life.
     Sadly, this Canadian immigration problem only seems to be getting worse. Not only are these people inundating Florida and Arizona, they are now also invading contiguous warm weather states like California, New Mexico, Georgia and the Carolinas. Like any invasive, non-native species which encounters no natural enemies, Canadians will go wherever the sun and discount shopping take them.
     If you spot an unwanted Canadian, alert the authorities but don’t be alarmed. Although they have currently taken great offense to President Trump’s personal attacks, they’re generally inoffensive and mild-mannered so long as you don’t annoy them by pointing out their lack of homegrown success in postseason NHL competition.
     At this point, we don’t think the problem is serious enough to warrant building a northern border wall. But if we start hearing rumblings about making Florida or Arizona Canada’s eleventh province, we may have to revisit the issue.