Although Donald Trump was publicly dismissive of a presidential run by Oprah Winfrey, the following leaked memo suggests he may be taking such a possibility far more seriously than he lets on:
TO: President Donald Trump
FROM: Campaign 2020
Further to your recent request, we have investigated the possibility of an Oprah Winfrey candidacy in 2020 and have developed a comprehensive strategy to defeat her should she win the Democratic nomination.
First of all, she is clearly unqualified to be president. As you well know, the fact that she is a billionaire businesswoman, a successful TV personality and a marketing wizard when it comes to exploiting her own name count for nothing when it comes to running the nation.
Being president requires actual experience doing presidential things and, by our count, you have a full year under your belt doing just that. Even discounting your TV viewing and golf outings, you still have at least several months of presidential experience and she has none, zip, nada. Advantage: Team Trump.
Our research has revealed that Ms. Winfrey reads an enormous amount and could easily be attacked as a “book lover” and possibly an “intellectual.” Apparently she even had a book club on her TV show. Although you have “written” several books, you have never been accused of reading books. Score one for us.
Although it’s a bit of a long shot, we think that you should consider your old “Obama strategy” when it comes to Oprah. In short, she does not qualify to be president because she wasn’t born in the United States. After all, she was born in Mississippi and our research shows that Mississippi wasn’t even part of the U. S. from 1861 to 1865. Under the newly created legal doctrine status illegitimus or illegitimate state, no Mississippian qualifies as a natural born citizen.
Ms. Winfrey will undoubtedly tout her success as a television talk show host but clearly she cannot match your success with The Apprentice and The Celebrity Apprentice. Plus, unlike you, she has to answer for creating both Dr. Phil and Dr. Oz whereas you’re only responsible for Omarosa.
If it should ever come to a debate between you and Oprah, you will win hands down, regardless of the respective size of your hands. She is a Chicago gal, Chicago being the second city. You, on the other hand, are from the great city of New York. Even if you couldn’t make it there, you did make it anywhere, namely Washington, D. C.
Your name prominently appears on countless buildings including the iconic Trump Tower as well as a multitude of championship golf courses. We have yet to locate one building or country club named for Oprah.
If we have to play dirty, you’ve got a huge edge on her. Contrast your sterling reputation with her lengthy record of scandal including James Frey’s book, the hamburger panic and palling around with Harvey Weinstein.
Finally, don’t forget your political genius and, in particular, your uncanny knack for creating devastating nicknames. We’ll leave it to you, sir, to come up with another classic zinger but might we suggest one of the following: Black Rosie, Obama Pal, “O”Yeah?, No Fat Chicks and Oprah Winfrey? More like Oprah Losefrey!
We look forward to the presidential race in 2020 and await your further instructions. Please confirm whether or not you wish us to continue our investigations into Mark Cuban, The Rock and Homer Simpson as your possible next opponent.