Thursday, April 20, 2017

The Mother-in-law Of All Bombs

     The U. S. military recently dropped the world’s biggest non-nuclear bomb on an ISIS outpost in eastern Afghanistan. Named the Massive Ordnance Air Blast or MOAB for short, it is also colloquially known as the Mother of All Bombs. With a bunker-busting capability equivalent to eleven tons of TNT, MOAB is the most powerful bomb used since the end of World War II.
     The existence of the Massive Ordnance Air Blast was a surprise to most Americans although it has been around for almost fifteen years. What may also come as a surprise to the public are the following additional devastating weapons that are currently in development:
     The Mother-in-law of All Bombs or MILOAB was developed by the U. S. military to achieve the maximum long-term annoyance for the enemy. Unlike MOAB, MILOAB is not a huge-payload armament. Rather, it consists of small, time-released explosives set to go off sporadically and randomly over a lifetime, especially during the holidays.
     The CO-WM or Co-worker Munition was inspired by that annoying guy who sits in the cubicle next to you at work. Once employed, the CO-WM sets off minor detonations which appear to originate from the enemy himself thereby displacing blame onto him. Also known as the PABS or passive-aggressive blame shifter.
     Like a hectoring spouse, the SSS or Sonic Surrender Silo uses sound as its weapon. The Silo comprises thousands of micro-speakers and is dropped on a hostile site where it intermittently assaults the enemy with repeated nagging criticisms. The SSS is accompanied by hundreds of white flags to facilitate the surrender of individual combatants.
     Recently, military contractors have developed the RFG or Random Fire Generator. Once employed, this weapon randomly starts and stops firing with no discernible logical pattern. Its unpredictability serves to frustrate the enemy at all turns. Lovingly nicknamed “The Donald” by the U. S. Army, the RFG has proved to be effective against even the most consistent and tenacious foe.
     Inspired by the crude use of loud rock music in late December of 1989 to force the surrender of Panamanian dictator Manuel Noriega from the Vatican Embassy, the U. S. military has developed a more sophisticated (read more annoying) version called MAPS or Most Annoying Psychological Sounds. A multi-drone-based system with built-in speakers is launched over the intended target and then continuously plays everything from car alarms to vuvuzela horns to fingernails on chalkboards until the inevitable surrender occurs. The Pentagon has yet to confirm recent rumors that a SUPER-MAPS system is in development using the ultimate in sonic warfare comprising a mash-up of Nickleback, Ted Nugent and Kid Rock. 

Sunday, April 16, 2017


     Hello, I’m Donald Trump and I want to introduce you to a product that’s going to make you rich beyond your wildest dreams. It’s called AmericaGreat and now’s your chance to get in on the ground floor of this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
     All you have to do to get this great deal is sign up as a Silver Trump Supporter. For a ridiculously low introductory price of $99, we’ll send you one case of AmericaGreat products and all the literature you’ll need to help convince your friends, neighbors and family members to also sign up.
     For every person you enlist, you'll get a 25% discount on every subsequent purchase of AmericaGreat items, be it our weight loss powder, our get-rich-quick formula, our get-a-great job supplement or our all-purpose ethnic cleanser. And once you’ve signed up at least ten other people, you’ll become a Gold Trump Supporter which allows you to take a percentage of any sales by those you’ve already signed up.
     Once you’ve recruited a hundred folks, you’ll become a Platinum Trump Supporter or what we call one of the Trump Elite. Not only will you get huge discounts on all of our AmericaGreat products. You’ll also get added bonuses like huge tax breaks and lots and lots of regulatory exemptions.
     We’re what’s called a multi-level marketing enterprise or what some call a direct selling business. Some have labeled us a sham or a pyramid scheme but they’re just members of the failing media who traffic in fake news.
     Trust me; we are perfectly legit. The sooner you sign up for AmericaGreat, the sooner you can take advantage of all our fabulous products. And the more money you make, the bigger the tax break you’ll get and, just like me, the richer you’ll become. Who knows? You may even get to enter our inner circle and become a Trump Cabinet Member.
     I’m hearing great things about how my product has changed people’s lives in so many ways. People are saying that AmericaGreat will make you and everyone you know rich, thin, white and super-successful.    
     If you don’t have a job, AmericaGreat will give you a job. If you don’t have any money, it will earn you lots and lots of money. If you need to lose weight, it will even do that. Within months, you’ll be a winner. In fact, you’ll be winning so much that you’ll be tired of winning.
     AmericaGreat is just for Americans; it’s not available to anyone else. That’s why we’ve opted out of various trade deals to ensure that foreigners can’t take advantage of this opportunity. And that’s why we’re building a wall along the Mexican border to keep still others from illegally sneaking in and signing up.
     AmericaGreat is so fantastic that people are going to be joining like crazy. So now is the time to get in on the action. Don’t wait four years and find out that it’s too late and your chance has disappeared.
     You can stick with your humdrum life and never achieve your dreams. You can believe in the fairy tales and Ponzi schemes the Democrats are trying to sell you. Or you can choose to jump on the AmericaGreat bandwagon today and instantly achieve fantastic success like you’ve never seen before.
     Pick up the phone, call 1-800-AMERICA and start succeeding. Remember; we’re AmericaGreat and we’ve been selling Americans a bill of goods for years. 

Thursday, April 13, 2017

He Who Must Not Be Named

    I’m not a betting man but here’s one I couldn’t resist: a friend bet me that I couldn’t go a week without mentioning the name of America’s 45th president. You know; the orange-faced, bizarrely-coiffed current resident of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.
     My friend thinks I’m so obsessed with Mr….oops, I almost lost the bet right there and I’m only into the second paragraph of this piece. She thinks that I’m getting so worked up about this fellow that I’m losing perspective and maybe even endangering my health.
     Needless to say, I disagree. As I see it, I’m simply writing careful, evenhanded analyses of the new president. The fact that I’m doing it every day is, in my view, no cause for alarm but simply an indication that I am dedicated to expressing a certain point of view.
     My friend feels that maybe I’m losing perspective and lacking in objectivity when it comes to writing about Tangerine Mussolini. Given the wealth of written material I’m generating, I can see why she might be concerned but I assured her that I can stop at any time.
     Admittedly, this is a bit of a test. Can I even write one single opinion piece without mentioning the subject of the piece by name? I am confident that I can.
     The easiest course of action, of course, would be to simply forget about Cheeto Jesus entirely for the week and not write one word about him. After all, I could still write on a wealth of other topics. But I like to think I’m the kind of guy who can rise to a challenge and continue to pen op-eds about Racist Clementine and still not say, much less write, his name.
     My friend thinks it’s a combination of stubbornness and obsessiveness that motivates me. Maybe she’s right but I prefer to characterize it as a noble pursuit of the truth.
     I feel obliged, nay compelled, to comment on the latest offerings from the Angry Creamsicle. When someone says the media are the enemy of the people, that he won the greatest Electoral College victory since Ronald Reagan and that there was a terrorist attack last night in Sweden all in the space of 48 hours, someone has to say something.
     If the Prevaricating Pumpkin persists in ignoring the truth and running roughshod over everyone from the media to the judiciary, I feel it is my duty to call him out on his unpresidential behavior. To ignore it is to lend legitimacy to his rude and anti-democratic methods.
     The childish, ill-informed approach to governance exhibited by the Toddler With Tiny Hands is not just an international embarrassment, it’s a potential threat to America’s economy and to world peace. If we fail to repeatedly call out the Tweeter-in-Chief on his execrable actions then we are failing to do our duty as citizens.      

     There, I’ve done it. I’ve written an entire column and I didn’t mention Donald Trump’s name even once. Darn! I just mentioned it, didn’t I? And now I’ve lost the bet. Oh well, I guess I can live with wearing an orange wig and a red ball cap for a week with a placard on my back saying “Kick Me: I Love Donald Trump.” 

Thursday, April 06, 2017

Getting the Trump Bump

Thanks to Kellyanne Conway’s coinage of the phrase “alternative facts” as her Newspeak version of the word “lies”, George Orwell’s classic dystopian novel 1984 has become an Amazon bestseller. What has yet to be reported is the dramatic rise in sales of other books and movies such as:
The Art of the Deal
Mystified media types are hoping that Mr. Trump’s descriptions of the elements of the deal including “think big”, “fight back” and “have fun” will provide some insight into his superficially illogical actions.
Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland
For those willing to substitute “America” for “Alice”, the “Orange King” for the “Queen of Hearts” and the “Conway Capper” for the “Mad Hatter”, this book may contain the key to the puzzle that is Donald J. Trump.  
If I Ran the Circus
This Dr. Seuss favorite seems particularly appropriate for today’s White House. Rumor has it that his publisher is also scrambling to reissue another of his works under the modified title: One State Two State Red State Blue State.
Prepper’s Long-Term Suvival Guide: Food, Shelter, Security, Off-the-Grid Power and More Life-Saving Strategies for Self-Sufficient Living
Billed as a plan to prepare one’s home and family for any life-threatening catastrophe, it appears to be the perfect guide for surviving the next four years.
On the Beach
Nevil Shute’s 1957 post-apocalyptic novel may provide a blueprint for those Silicon Valley billionaires-cum-survivalists looking for a safe hideaway in even more remote locations than Australia like New Zealand, Antarctica and Idaho.
The Bible
Of particular interest to modern day readers are the chapters in the Book of Revelations dealing with the sounding of the seven trumpets. Substitute “Trump” for “trumpet” and you may have an explanation of what the heck the President is up to.
Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb

Although the movie Dr. Strangelove probably can’t help viewers explain current events, it will at least provide them with a few laughs on their inexorable doomsday path.  

(Don't forget to check out my latest book "King Donald I" available on Amazon.)

Sunday, April 02, 2017

Crybaby Donnie

     Now that Donald Trump has actually become the 45th president of the United States, Democrats, liberals and those with a functioning brain are struggling to figure out a way to deal with the man-child in the White House.
     One option is to fight fire with fire or, in the case of Donald Trump, fight insult with insult. As any skilled schoolyard bully will tell you, the way to decry, demean and defeat someone is to pick on their weakness. And once you’ve found that weakness, tag your opponent with a fitting and memorable nickname.
     Remember the campaign for the Republican nomination? Trump managed to hang a hard-to-forget nickname on his closest opponent who quickly descended to the bottom of the pack.
     First there was “Truly Weird” Rand Paul who lasted about as long as an ice cube in Miami. Then there was early favorite Jeb Bush who, once he was labeled as “Low Energy Jeb”, quickly faded from view.
     Marco Rubio seemed to rise to the challenge until Trump cut him down to size with the sobriquet “Little Marco.” Even Ted Cruz faltered after being called “Lyin’ Ted” in what has to be the most ironic nicknaming event in recent history.
     Once he eliminated his Republican opponents, Trump took on the Democrats with equal success. “Crazy Bernie” Sanders, “Goofy Elizabeth” Warren and “Crooked Hillary” Clinton didn’t stand a chance against America’s most successful name-calling bully.
     Some say that Trump’s opponents should take the high road and that they shouldn’t stoop to his level and engage in such juvenile tactics. But I agree with Robert De Niro who recently said that, in regard to Trump, we have to bully him back.
     That’s why I think it is essential that we find a fitting nickname to hang on this guy. We already have dozens of examples to choose from but none is really troubling to the president.
     For example, “Orange Hitler” is very funny but it likely fazes Mr. Trump not at all. The fact that his complexion is orange-tinged is no biggie and a comparison to Hitler may, if anything, stroke his ego.
     The same holds true for many of the other monikers like “Cheeto Jesus”, “Angry Creamsicle”, “Decomposing jack-o-lantern”, “Racist clementine” and “The pumpkin who would be king.”
     To really hit home, it’s necessary to identify some characteristic of Trump that really bothers him, something that quickly gets under his skin. To that end, might I suggest “Don Trump”? A man whose wealth has been rumored to rely on organized crime connections will surely not take kindly to being compared to a Mafia don.    
     “Toddler Trump” is a worthy candidate. For someone who has a gigantic ego and an overinflated opinion of himself, being compared to a two-year-old would definitely smart.  
     “Tiny Hands Trump” is another effective choice. Marco Rubio already employed this tactic against The Donald as a slight against his manhood but made the mistake of backing off and apologizing. The name obviously bothers Trump and if it were repeatedly employed, I have no doubt that he’d eventually come totally unglued.
      “Lyin’ Don” might work. After all, Trump is the biggest unrepentant liar in American history. He never, ever admits to any of his lies but hearing his new nickname day after day might just push him over the emotional edge.
     For my money, however, the best candidate for achieving an eventual Trump meltdown is “Crybaby Donnie.” There’s nothing the man fears more than being a loser and for a mean playground loser epithet, you can’t beat crybaby. So let’s get Tweeting and before you know it, there may be one less whiner in the White House. 

Friday, March 31, 2017

White House Family Counseling

     First, I’d like to congratulate both parties for agreeing to engage in family counseling. It’s not every couple that recognizes the problems in their union and is willing to take a chance that mediation can save and even strengthen their relationship.
     Thanks to the Mainstream Media for being here. May I call you MSM for short? I know there have been a lot of hurtful slights thrown at you recently so it’s encouraging to see that you have gotten past the name-calling and are willing to look for a solution.
    President Trump, you in particular should be commended for your willingness to set aside at least part of your ego and come to the table. I have to admit that, at first, I was a bit uncomfortable with the preconditions you set for this negotiation but it looks like they have been met.
     Both parties have agreed that there will be no more references to the Electoral College result or the popular vote. You have worked hard on the specific phrasing of the most important requirement and the negotiated wording is as follows: “Everyone agrees that President Trump’s win in November was the most surprising presidential victory in history.” 
     President Trump, may I call you Donald? No? OK, that’s fine. We’ll stick with President Trump or Mr. Trump. No? Alright, President Trump or Mister President it is.
     MSM, I understand that you feel under attack by President Trump because he repeatedly labels you the enemy of the American people. That does seem like fairly harsh wording. Mister President, do you have anything to say about that?
     Well, right there I think you’ve already violated the first item we agreed on, namely references to your historic Electoral College victory and your massive popular vote win if consideration is given to the millions of fraudulent votes.
     Look, I think what I’m hearing here is that the parties’ feelings have been hurt and it’s time to maybe offer an apology or two and get on with the business of governing the country and covering the news. Am I right?
     Thank you, MSM, for acknowledging that and apologizing for maybe overdoing it on the scare tactics. I know how difficult it can be to deal with a partner who has a completely different personality type or disorder and it’s big of you to take the first step in the healing process.
     Now, Mister President, could you perhaps reciprocate and give MSM an “I’m sorry” for some of your over-the-top name-calling? No? OK, if you say so but, in my years of experience as a family counselor, I’ve seldom, if ever, encountered a party who is never ever wrong.
     Here, let’s try a little role reversal and see if that helps. Mr. President, I want you to pretend you’re MSM. How does it make you feel when President Trump accuses you of persistent lying and of being the fake news?
     Hash tag sad? I’m not sure I understand. If you were MSM, you would admit that you are nothing but lying scum and pusillanimous prevaricators? You would feel ashamed for questioning the president and would sooner go out of business than jeopardize the country’s security?
     MSM, I’d appreciate it if you could come back and sit down. I’ve got another suggestion. Let’s just try listing those things we value in our partner and would miss if this relationship should ultimately fail. MSM, you go first.
     The First Amendment, freedom of speech, an independent press, a healthy democracy, checks and balances, representative government. Very good. Now, Mister President, your turn. Sure, take your time. Nothing? Really? Absolutely nothing?
     OK, you have identified one thing. What is it? You’d miss having MSM to kick around and you’d have to come up with a new enemy? I appreciate your candor but that’s not really what I was looking for.
     Look, our time is up for today but if both sides are willing, we can always schedule another session and see where it goes from there. How about Thursday, January 21st, 2021? Are you both available then?