Monday, August 17, 2015

Hillary Clinton’s e-mail scandal seems to be heating up again. With the transfer of her work-related messages to the State Department, she claimed to have met the spirit of the law.

As for the remaining e-mails, Mrs. Clinton classified them as personal and apparently deleted them. Critics claim that some of those messages should also have been retained for the historical record. The following brief selection from her deleted e-mails folder lets you be the judge:
March 15, 2009
TO:        All my peeps
FROM:  Hillary Rodham Clinton
Just a quick note to all my supporters about proper e-mail etiquette. I should be addressed as Madam Secretary, not as Madam President….at least for now. LOL
June 29, 2010
TO:        Bill
FROM:  Hillary
When it comes to my 2016 run, I don’t expect a lot. A ringing endorsement would be nice and don’t praise any other candidates. At the very least, I expect you to abide by the prime directive: Keep it in your pants.
October 10, 2011
TO:        Arturo’s Haute Couture Design
FROM:  The Secretary of State
Thanks but no thanks for the drawings with suggested new outfits for me. As usual, I want seven different colored pantsuits, one for each day of the week. And make them drip dry with easy care fabrics. I anticipate a lot of traveling over the next two years and even more after that.
January 12, 2012
TO:        Acme Novelties
FROM:  Secretary Clinton
I am returning your invoice and the 10,000 campaign buttons you screwed up. The order explicitly specified “Vote for Hillary in 2016”, not “Vote for the Hill-Billy team.”
July 5, 2012
TO:        The Office of Bill Clinton
FROM:  The Secretary of State
I’m going to ask you guys one last time; get the Big Dog to stop bugging me about being on the ticket in 2016. I know that the Constitution doesn’t prohibit it but if I get one more e-mail or text from Bill signed “Your future VP”, heads are going to roll!
September 22, 2012
TO:        My exploratory campaign team
FROM:  Hillary
Officially, I haven’t declared my candidacy for 2016 but, of course, it’s full steam ahead. However, what I want you to start organizing today is my 2020 campaign. It’s never too early to start planning for the future. Remember, don’t stop thinking about tomorrow.  J
October 2, 2012
TO:        Elizabeth Warren
FROM:  Hillary Clinton
It was nice to see you again at yesterday’s function. I trust I can count on your support if I should decide to run in 2016. Likewise, I’ll be glad to throw some love your way in 2024. But as for now, it’s my turn, bitch. Understand?
January 2, 2013
TO:        Jeb Bush
FROM:  H. R. Clinton
Glad to see you’re continuing to release your private e-mails even if it has been six years since you were governor. Just a word of advice: think carefully about running for President. My husband trounced your dad and if that clown Al Gore had run on Bill’s record, your brother would still be operating a baseball team in Texas. You can run if you want but I’ll crush you like a grape.
January 29, 2013
TO:        All my staff

Thanks again for preparing my valedictory speech and particularly the kind words about Obama. Although we all know that I should have been President, it was the right thing to do. At least the jerk can’t run again.

Saturday, August 15, 2015

Canada Post: We Deliver

As Canada Post continues to eliminate home delivery service by erecting even more community mailboxes, it’s unclear what its business will look like in the near future. Perhaps this recently leaked internal corporate memo will help answer that question.
TO:       Big Shot Executive
FROM: Aspiring Big Shot Executive
     The latest transition from home delivery to community mailboxes is going fairly smoothly. Despite some local objections, we’ve managed to install lots of new mailboxes and by the end of next year we should have pretty much eliminated home delivery from coast to coast to coast.
     Needless to say, the savings from this initiative are huge and, when coupled with our regular increases in the cost of stamps, the bottom line is looking pretty sweet. Even if letter mail declines by 25% over the next couple of years, our profits should increase by double that.
     As discussed, the long term plan is still a little hazy. Hopefully, letter mail will level out over the next few years, at which point we can initiate our “Market Mail” plan. As you’ll recall, Market Mail is our focus-tested phrase to cover the privatization of letter mail.
     Once we’ve established a steady, reliable baseline volume of letter mail, we’ll put various routes out to tender to the private sector. Our studies show that there are numerous companies ready, willing and able to pay top dollar for exclusive delivery rights in every major Canadian center.
     Even the routes in mid-size cities should fetch attractive bids. We’re even hoping to make a few bucks on the selloffs of routes in smaller centers. As for remote rural routes, we may have to eat the bills on them for awhile although continued stamp price increases should make even those routes attractive.
     As for package delivery and courier services, it’s pretty clear that our private sector competitors can handle such things just as well, if not better, than us. That means all we need to do is get a bit of legislation passed and we’re in a great position to auction off those services to the highest bidders.
     The question then becomes what will our core business be? At some point, stamp selling will be totally handled by franchisees. That, of course, is another lucrative profit center.
     We’ve brainstormed this matter over the last few weeks and I think you’ll find we’ve come up with a very attractive option. By the next decade, we anticipate that Canada Post will have considerable cash reserves due to selloffs of our core businesses. Of course, we’ll also a large number of post offices and lots and lots of delivery vehicles.
     We propose using some of our windfall profits to convert our postal outlets to coffee shops. Given that we already have hundreds of outlets in great locations, we’re in an ideal position to immediately establish a coast to coast chain.
     Some are going to criticize this plan as a loser given that we will be competing with already well-established chains like Starbucks and Tim Hortons. What they don’t understand, however, is that we will have little in the way of overhead since we already own the outlets.
     Plus we’ll have billions in realized profits to pour into the upgrade of those outlets and a nationwide marketing campaign. And the final kicker is that we can use our extensive fleet of trucks to provide door to door “coffee and crullers” delivery service almost anywhere in Canada.
     If this plan rolls out as we envision it, Canada Post should soon become the nation’s premier coffee and donut chain with a home delivery service second to none. Our new ironic motto? That’s right: “We Deliver!”