Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Politically Incorrect Weekend

It’s hard being a good liberal these days. Between buying the right coffee and driving the right vehicle, being politically correct has never been so difficult.

But that doesn’t mean you have to be perfect 24/7. Everyone deserves a break, including you. That’s why we’re offering a special "politically incorrect weekend" for the over-burdened liberal. Two days of forbidden pleasures and you’ll feel ready to tackle the evils of the world with renewed energy.

We’ll pick you up Saturday morning in a big honkin’ SUV of your choice. Then we’ll drive you to the tackiest suburban shopping mall you’ve ever seen for an entire afternoon of sinful shopping. Check out the sweatshop running shoes at Shoe World or the sealskin slippers at the We Don’t Give a Damn Store. You’ll find clothing items from every underprivileged, third world country you can imagine.

After your afternoon of politically incorrect purchases, it’s off to a local sports bar for a dinner you’ll never forget. Large-breasted, scantily-clad waitresses will bring you any cocktail your heart desires. From Scotch on the rocks to an extra dry martini, it’s yours for the asking. If you want, you can even order a domestic beer.

And the dinner selections will make you feel downright evil. From the well-marbled, antibiotic-laden T-bone steak to the milk-fed, pen-raised veal, you’ll savour delights you probably haven’t tasted for years.

After dinner, it’s time to check into your very own room at the local Budget Motel. Leave all the lights on, use as many towels as you want and keep flushing the toilet. Screw the environment; you’re on holiday.

And don’t bother turning off the TV. It’s there for your secret enjoyment. That’s right; you’ve got cable. And, best of all, there’s no PBS or A&E. Gorge yourself on The Apprentice, Survivor and American Idol. It’s alright. Go ahead. No one will ever know.

Day two starts with a "bad boy" breakfast at The Pancake Emporium. Knock back a stack of chemical-laced flapjacks topped with your favorite genuine, imitation maple syrup. Or go hog wild with eggs and bacon. No free-range, grain-fed, pesticide-free food here.

Sunday morning is free time for you. We’ve provided a roomful of guilty reading pleasures like The New York Post, The National Review and The Economist. But if you’d rather watch more TV, that’s entirely up to you.

After a delicious deli lunch of your choice of chemically-cured meat on rye, it’s off to the movies. We’ve reserved a local six-screen cineplex to allow you to choose your own favorite never-seen films. Watch American Pie or Porky’s or take in the Adam Sandler film festival. Remember, nobody has to know.

Then it’s off to your final dinner, a repast from the past. We’re sending you to an all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet. That’s right. All your old favorites are there. Like sweet and sour chicken balls, egg rolls with plum sauce and chicken chow mein. And if you need a doggie bag, just ask one of the authentic Chinese waiters to bring you a "reftover bag." Don’t worry; no one will be offended.

As you luxuriate with your fellow holidayers after the meal, indulge yourself with a Black Russian and a Cuban cigar and join in the witty banter. If you want to say "Some of my best friends are Negroes" or "What do those people want anyway?" or "I’m not saying Hitler was right but I’m not saying he was wrong either", go ahead. No one’s keeping score.

When the SUV drops you off at home Sunday night, you’ll feel like a conservative king. And why not? Because tomorrow it’ll be back to life as an earnest liberal democrat. You fight the good fight all year long. Don’t you deserve at least one weekend of fun?

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