It’s primary season in the U. S. and potential voters are being deluged with televised debates featuring the various Democratic and Republican candidates. Sadly, many of those voters are political neophytes and don’t know how to interpret the true meaning of the candidates’ statements. But there is a solution. What if televised Presidential debates were close-captioned for the politically impaired?
"My opponent has been in office too long. He’s out of touch with the voters and is beholden to Washington-based interests."
(Tom was able to raise way more money from lobbyists than I was.)
"This is not the time to keep trying the same old things. The same old things simply aren’t working. It’s time for a change."
(I’m the new guy with less experience. Only new guys say it’s time for a change.)
"I’m not a big believer in polls. The only poll that’s worth anything is the one on election day."
(When you’re twenty points down in the latest survey, what else are you going to say?)
"With all due respect, my esteemed colleague is not accurately representing my position on that issue."
(The s.o.b. is lying.)
"Of course we all have the same goal: to defeat the Republicans in November."
(So long as I defeat these guys in February and March.)
"Thank you very much for that interesting question."
(Damn! That’s the one question I didn’t prepare a canned response for.)
"Last year, she was for the war. This year, she’s against the war. Which is it, Senator? You can’t have it both ways."
(Boy, I hope nobody checks my voting record on abortion.)
"I have served in government for 32 years. I’m the only candidate with the experience to lead this great country."
(I’m the only candidate who desperately needs a nap and a hip replacement.)
"I don’t believe my opponent has the moral fortitude to serve as President of the United States of America."
(Dick is sleeping with his secretary.)
"Who would you rather have in the Oval Office? A man who loves spending time with his family and playing football with his kids? Or a candidate who supports the arts and wants to subsidize wine growers in Napa Valley."
(Harry is a gay alcoholic.)
"If you entrust me with this high office, I promise to spend every minute of every day making America better."
(And every other minute making my friends richer.)
"When I see Americans without healthcare, veterans without benefits and homeless people on the streets, I know we can do better."
(And when I see gullible voters, I know I will do better.)
"What makes America great is people like Clarence Riley who started a new widget factory that provides fifty new jobs. Or Lance Jamison who helped start a new seniors’ facility in his hometown. Or Mildred Apple who home schools seven foster children."
(I hope my research team got those names right.)
"I’m not saying my opponent is un-American or unpatriotic or even unqualified. I’m just saying that I can do a better job of protecting America."
(Bob is an unqualified, unpatriotic communist scumbag.)
"I’m not against immigrants. Heck, we’re all either immigrants or descended from immigrants. This country was built by immigrants."
(I’m against immigrants.)
"Like you, I’m tired of the government taking more of my money in taxes."
(Although in my case, fortunately it’s the government of Turks and Caicos.)
Monday, January 14, 2008
Friday, January 11, 2008
E-Z Mortgage Loans
You’ve reached the E-Z Credit Line of the First Bank of China. Please note: to ensure the highest level of quality and for training purposes, your call may be monitored and/or recorded.
"Hello, this is the First Bank of China. My name is Liang. How may I help you today Mr. USA?"
"I’m looking to consolidate my debt and I was wondering about taking out another mortgage on my property."
"Well, let’s get some basic information, shall we? Do you own your own home, Mr. USA?"
"Technically, yes. I believe I still have title."
"Now, are there any other encumbrances on your property?"
"There’s a first mortgage for three trillion dollars and a second mortgage for two trillion dollars and there might be a lien or two for unpaid foreign oil bills."
"That’s quite an exposure you’ve got there, Mr. USA. What kind of money are you looking for in terms of a third mortgage?"
"Not a lot, really. Just a small amount to tide me over until I sort out some minor financial difficulties. A couple of small wars and an impending recession. Things like that. I figure half a trillion should do the trick."
"Half a trillion, you say. Now you realize, Mr. USA, that we’ll have to send an assessor around to ensure that your property still retains enough unencumbered equity to support a third mortgage."
"Sure, no problem; I understand. But could you make the appointment for the weekend? If you do the assessment on a weekday, my markets get a little jittery. You know how it is."
"Fine, fine. Now, Mr. USA, I’m going to have to ask you some personal financial questions to update our records.. What is your approximate annual income?"
"People tell me I’m worth $14 trillion give or take a few hundred billion."
"That’s nice. But what about your current account? How is your balance of payments?"
"My balance of what?"
"You know, the amount of money coming in versus the amount going out. Do you have a surplus?"
"Not exactly. But I’ve got a lot of good ideas and I know I’ll be back in the black soon."
"Perhaps so, Mr. USA, but from what I’m looking at here, you’ve been running a deficit with us for a number of years. What can you offer in the way of collateral?"
"Well, ah, there’s some mines and minerals out west, a bunch of farms and I think I still own at least part of New York City."
"Mr. USA, I’m going to have to pass your file on to my supervisor. Your first and second mortgages are coming up for renewal and with the increased monthly payments you’ll be looking at, I doubt we can offer you a third mortgage at any rate, much less at subprime."
"But what am I going to do? I’ve got payments to make and oil to buy. I need a bailout now."
"I’m sorry, sir. I don’t think we can do much for you today. Have you considered trying the Bank of India or maybe even the Seoul Money Mart? Perhaps they can help you out with a payday loan. Goodbye, Mr. USA, and have a nice day."
"Hello, this is the First Bank of China. My name is Liang. How may I help you today Mr. USA?"
"I’m looking to consolidate my debt and I was wondering about taking out another mortgage on my property."
"Well, let’s get some basic information, shall we? Do you own your own home, Mr. USA?"
"Technically, yes. I believe I still have title."
"Now, are there any other encumbrances on your property?"
"There’s a first mortgage for three trillion dollars and a second mortgage for two trillion dollars and there might be a lien or two for unpaid foreign oil bills."
"That’s quite an exposure you’ve got there, Mr. USA. What kind of money are you looking for in terms of a third mortgage?"
"Not a lot, really. Just a small amount to tide me over until I sort out some minor financial difficulties. A couple of small wars and an impending recession. Things like that. I figure half a trillion should do the trick."
"Half a trillion, you say. Now you realize, Mr. USA, that we’ll have to send an assessor around to ensure that your property still retains enough unencumbered equity to support a third mortgage."
"Sure, no problem; I understand. But could you make the appointment for the weekend? If you do the assessment on a weekday, my markets get a little jittery. You know how it is."
"Fine, fine. Now, Mr. USA, I’m going to have to ask you some personal financial questions to update our records.. What is your approximate annual income?"
"People tell me I’m worth $14 trillion give or take a few hundred billion."
"That’s nice. But what about your current account? How is your balance of payments?"
"My balance of what?"
"You know, the amount of money coming in versus the amount going out. Do you have a surplus?"
"Not exactly. But I’ve got a lot of good ideas and I know I’ll be back in the black soon."
"Perhaps so, Mr. USA, but from what I’m looking at here, you’ve been running a deficit with us for a number of years. What can you offer in the way of collateral?"
"Well, ah, there’s some mines and minerals out west, a bunch of farms and I think I still own at least part of New York City."
"Mr. USA, I’m going to have to pass your file on to my supervisor. Your first and second mortgages are coming up for renewal and with the increased monthly payments you’ll be looking at, I doubt we can offer you a third mortgage at any rate, much less at subprime."
"But what am I going to do? I’ve got payments to make and oil to buy. I need a bailout now."
"I’m sorry, sir. I don’t think we can do much for you today. Have you considered trying the Bank of India or maybe even the Seoul Money Mart? Perhaps they can help you out with a payday loan. Goodbye, Mr. USA, and have a nice day."
Thursday, January 03, 2008
W's 2008 Retrospective
At this time of year, columnists of every political stripe are looking back and analysing the events of 2007. But only one man, George W. Bush, has the courage to give his extraordinary retrospective on the year ahead:
"My fellow Americans, as I look back on the year to come, I note with prideness the many accomplishments of my Administration. Building on the successes of my first seven years in office, it should not have been surprising that 2008 would be my most successful year ever.
"As you know, there were many naysayers. But naysayers only know how to say nay. They don’t know how to say yeah or even hey. But I do. And I’m proud to say: ‘Hey! We did it!’
"Looking back on the year 2008, I take great pride in establishing a modern democracy in Iraq. Those who supported me through the difficult times can now rejoice in the final result. Unlike the naysayers, you knew that the troop pre-surge in February, the troop up-surge in March and the re-surge in April would inevitably lead to victory and the eventual return home of all American troops in September.
"To those who say that our victory in Iraq affected the outcome of the November election, I can’t disagree. Some claim that the revelations about Hillary Clinton’s drug use, Barack Obama’s terrorist training in Afghanistan and John Edwards’s secret gay love child were the deciding factors. But I say that Dennis Kucinich was a formidable Democratic presidential candidate and it took a strong Republican contender and my sterling eight-year record to retain control of The White House.
"I am proud of my little brother Jeb for winning the election. The fact that other Republicans dropped out of the race due to various alleged financial, political and sexual improperieties does nothing to diminish the enormousty of his victory.
"I can’t say enough about the work of my financial advisors. Again, there were those who pointed to the huge national debt and claimed that our country was on the brink of a depression. But just as I promised, my tax cuts for the rich finally did the job and kick-started the economy.
"Thanks to the explosive economic growth in the third and fourth quarters of 2008, we are on track to not only eliminate the annual deficit but to entirely erase our national debt by the year 2010. The state of the union as of December 31, 2008 is truly strong.
"These past few months have indeed been historic. From the complete rebuilding of New Orleans to the unprecedented advances in our public schools to the total capitulization of Iran and North Korea, the accomplishments of my Administration during the final days of my term have been nothing short of amazing.
"Now some say I am looking back at 2008 through rose-colored glasses, that none of these things really happened or ever will. All I can say is that those naysayers are probably the same ones who refused to acknowledge the discovery of Saddam’s weapons of mass destruction outside Basra in October.
"Which brings me to my final point. I would be remiss if I did not note the successful end of the War on Terror. With the capture of Osama bin Laden in July and the eradicalizing of Islamic terrorism worldwide in August, we can close the book on America’s first full-scale war on a concept. To those who questioned my resolve, I would like to simply reiterate: Mission Accomplished."
"My fellow Americans, as I look back on the year to come, I note with prideness the many accomplishments of my Administration. Building on the successes of my first seven years in office, it should not have been surprising that 2008 would be my most successful year ever.
"As you know, there were many naysayers. But naysayers only know how to say nay. They don’t know how to say yeah or even hey. But I do. And I’m proud to say: ‘Hey! We did it!’
"Looking back on the year 2008, I take great pride in establishing a modern democracy in Iraq. Those who supported me through the difficult times can now rejoice in the final result. Unlike the naysayers, you knew that the troop pre-surge in February, the troop up-surge in March and the re-surge in April would inevitably lead to victory and the eventual return home of all American troops in September.
"To those who say that our victory in Iraq affected the outcome of the November election, I can’t disagree. Some claim that the revelations about Hillary Clinton’s drug use, Barack Obama’s terrorist training in Afghanistan and John Edwards’s secret gay love child were the deciding factors. But I say that Dennis Kucinich was a formidable Democratic presidential candidate and it took a strong Republican contender and my sterling eight-year record to retain control of The White House.
"I am proud of my little brother Jeb for winning the election. The fact that other Republicans dropped out of the race due to various alleged financial, political and sexual improperieties does nothing to diminish the enormousty of his victory.
"I can’t say enough about the work of my financial advisors. Again, there were those who pointed to the huge national debt and claimed that our country was on the brink of a depression. But just as I promised, my tax cuts for the rich finally did the job and kick-started the economy.
"Thanks to the explosive economic growth in the third and fourth quarters of 2008, we are on track to not only eliminate the annual deficit but to entirely erase our national debt by the year 2010. The state of the union as of December 31, 2008 is truly strong.
"These past few months have indeed been historic. From the complete rebuilding of New Orleans to the unprecedented advances in our public schools to the total capitulization of Iran and North Korea, the accomplishments of my Administration during the final days of my term have been nothing short of amazing.
"Now some say I am looking back at 2008 through rose-colored glasses, that none of these things really happened or ever will. All I can say is that those naysayers are probably the same ones who refused to acknowledge the discovery of Saddam’s weapons of mass destruction outside Basra in October.
"Which brings me to my final point. I would be remiss if I did not note the successful end of the War on Terror. With the capture of Osama bin Laden in July and the eradicalizing of Islamic terrorism worldwide in August, we can close the book on America’s first full-scale war on a concept. To those who questioned my resolve, I would like to simply reiterate: Mission Accomplished."
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
Canadian Puppet Scandal
"Two of the most enduring characters in the history of Canadian children's programming, Rusty the Rooster and Jerome the Giraffe, are about to quit the building. The children of actor and Friendly Giant creator Bob Homme, angered by the CBC's recent treatment of the loveable puppets, are removing them from a museum at the public broadcaster......"
- The Globe and Mail, November 27, 2007
The removal of the iconic puppets was apparently precipitated by their unauthorized appearance in a mock clip at the recent Gemini awards showing them in a retirement home. The voice-over narration reportedly described the cherished hand-operated characters as sitting around drinking, smoking and having sex.
Despite the protests by the Friendly Giant’s family, it appears that there was more to this story than first reported. A recent telephone interview with Rusty the Rooster and Jerome the Giraffe may blow the lid off what could be the CBC’s biggest scandal ever.
"Yeah, we lived in a retirement home," said the aging, diminutive cock. "CBC brass called it a museum and that’s being generous. The place was a real dump."
"That’s right, Rusty," said his long-necked sidekick. "After 26 years of giving our all for the network, we end up in a dingy place without even a chair for two to curl up in."
"Hey, it’s not like we were complaining or anything," said Rusty. "We had a good life although it would have been nice to realize at least a small percentage of the residuals. Those shows didn’t write themselves, you know."
"Yeah, I didn’t mind that much either," said Jerome. "As long as they kept providing us with booze and smokes, it wasn’t all that bad."
It turns out, however, that Rusty and Jerome’s precipitous departure wasn’t just at the behest of Friendly’s family. The rumours about gambling, drugs and sex at the CBC retirement home were apparently not all false.
"Look, I’m not saying we were saints or anything," said Rusty. "When you’ve got time on your hands, things are going to happen."
"But we weren’t the instigators," said Jerome. "It was those other puppets who started all the trouble."
Asked to elaborate, Jerome was initially reluctant to say more. But Rusty didn’t hold back.
"Jerome’s right. We didn’t start it. You might want to ask Howard the Turtle about his part in all this. Sure, kids loved him but there was a dark side to that ‘Razzle Dazzle’ crowd, too."
"I’m afraid to say too much," said Jerome. "But if you contact Suzie the Mouse from ‘Chez Hélène’, I think you’ll find that she’s still dealing with a severe drug addiction thanks to Howie."
"That’s OK, Jerome," said Rusty. "The truth has to come out some time. Eventually people will even find out about Casey and Finnegan. Not that there’s necessarily anything wrong with cross-dressing but it sure wouldn’t have helped the ratings for ‘Mr. Dressup’ if that ever got out."
"Just don’t look too closely at what’s in the Tickle Trunk," said Jerome. "That’s all I’m saying. Rumor has it that the bodies of Fitzgerald Fieldmouse and Grandmother Frog from ‘Maggie Muggins’ are buried under all that junk."
"Some folks say the bodies were in my sack," said Rusty. "But I had nothing to do with it, I tell you. If you want some answers, I suggest you talk to Pokeroo."
When asked to comment on Rusty and Jerome’s revelations, CBC President Hubert Lacroix would neither confirm nor deny that a public enquiry into the puppet scandal would soon be launched.
- The Globe and Mail, November 27, 2007
The removal of the iconic puppets was apparently precipitated by their unauthorized appearance in a mock clip at the recent Gemini awards showing them in a retirement home. The voice-over narration reportedly described the cherished hand-operated characters as sitting around drinking, smoking and having sex.
Despite the protests by the Friendly Giant’s family, it appears that there was more to this story than first reported. A recent telephone interview with Rusty the Rooster and Jerome the Giraffe may blow the lid off what could be the CBC’s biggest scandal ever.
"Yeah, we lived in a retirement home," said the aging, diminutive cock. "CBC brass called it a museum and that’s being generous. The place was a real dump."
"That’s right, Rusty," said his long-necked sidekick. "After 26 years of giving our all for the network, we end up in a dingy place without even a chair for two to curl up in."
"Hey, it’s not like we were complaining or anything," said Rusty. "We had a good life although it would have been nice to realize at least a small percentage of the residuals. Those shows didn’t write themselves, you know."
"Yeah, I didn’t mind that much either," said Jerome. "As long as they kept providing us with booze and smokes, it wasn’t all that bad."
It turns out, however, that Rusty and Jerome’s precipitous departure wasn’t just at the behest of Friendly’s family. The rumours about gambling, drugs and sex at the CBC retirement home were apparently not all false.
"Look, I’m not saying we were saints or anything," said Rusty. "When you’ve got time on your hands, things are going to happen."
"But we weren’t the instigators," said Jerome. "It was those other puppets who started all the trouble."
Asked to elaborate, Jerome was initially reluctant to say more. But Rusty didn’t hold back.
"Jerome’s right. We didn’t start it. You might want to ask Howard the Turtle about his part in all this. Sure, kids loved him but there was a dark side to that ‘Razzle Dazzle’ crowd, too."
"I’m afraid to say too much," said Jerome. "But if you contact Suzie the Mouse from ‘Chez Hélène’, I think you’ll find that she’s still dealing with a severe drug addiction thanks to Howie."
"That’s OK, Jerome," said Rusty. "The truth has to come out some time. Eventually people will even find out about Casey and Finnegan. Not that there’s necessarily anything wrong with cross-dressing but it sure wouldn’t have helped the ratings for ‘Mr. Dressup’ if that ever got out."
"Just don’t look too closely at what’s in the Tickle Trunk," said Jerome. "That’s all I’m saying. Rumor has it that the bodies of Fitzgerald Fieldmouse and Grandmother Frog from ‘Maggie Muggins’ are buried under all that junk."
"Some folks say the bodies were in my sack," said Rusty. "But I had nothing to do with it, I tell you. If you want some answers, I suggest you talk to Pokeroo."
When asked to comment on Rusty and Jerome’s revelations, CBC President Hubert Lacroix would neither confirm nor deny that a public enquiry into the puppet scandal would soon be launched.
Friday, December 21, 2007
On Beyond Oprah
As the presidential primary races heat up, the candidates are engaging in a battle of high profile endorsements. The latest winner is Barack Obama who garnered the full, active support of Oprah Winfrey. In order to keep pace, the remaining contenders have reportedly signed on some big names, too.
Rudy Giuliani
Not to be outdone, Rudy Giuliani has managed to obtain one of the highest placed endorsements available: himself. "Yes," said the former mayor. "I’m the guy who saved New York City after 9/11 and I think — heck, I know — that I’m the best man for the job." With the full support of one of America’s most famous heros, Mr. Giuliani is hoping his campaign will get a much needed boost and surpass his current survey numbers. "I’m sure my own self-support should be good for at least a 9 or 11-point bump in the polls."
Hillary Clinton
For most of the campaign, it appeared that the support of her husband Bill was all Hillary Clinton needed to win. But now with Oprah’s entry into the race, she has sought and obtained bigger endorsements. Most surprising of the lot is the one from George W. Bush. "I wholeheartedly endorse Senator Clinton for the Democratic nomination," said Mr. Bush. "After all, she’s our best chance for victory in November."
Mitt Romney
Since his "Faith in America" speech didn’t translate into increased support among evangelical voters, Mitt Romney is looking elsewhere to defuse the issue of his religion. It appears that he may have found the answer with his, or anybody’s, highest endorsement to date: Pope Benedict XVI. "Let’s face it," said the former Massachusetts governor. "I’m getting nowhere with those born-again folks so I might as well go for the whole enchilada." Although the Pope was apparently somewhat reticent about supporting a Mormon, he figured it was better than signing on with "one of those heathen Democrats."
John Edwards
So far, John Edwards has had little success in attaining high profile support but it’s not for lack of opportunities. Democrats from Jimmy Carter to John Kerry to Al Gore have offered their support. However, since Mr. Edwards still hopes to win the nomination, he graciously declined the three offers.
John McCain
Often criticized for being too old to run for President, John McCain has found the boost he needs with endorsements from young celebrities. Everyone from Lindsay Lohan to Paris Hilton has climbed aboard the Straight Talk Express to give the Arizona senator instant credibility with the younger generation. "Look," said McCain. "If all it takes is to stock my bus with the booze and pills today’s kids like, I think the payoff is more than worth it." When asked what she likes best about her new favorite candidate, Britney Spears said: "His bus is a 24/7 party and I don’t have to drive!"
Fred Thompson
As another candidate suffering under the "too old" label, Fred Thompson desperately needed an injection of non-artificial "hip" into his candidacy. And it appears that he got it with a celebrity endorsement trifecta. The Thompson campaign recognized the importance of getting support from celebrities, like Oprah, who are so famous that they are known by a single name. As of today, the former senator from Tennessee reportedly has the backing of Sting, Bono and Cher and he’s still hoping to get Madonna, Prince and Pink to sign on. "I don’t know who the heck these people are," said Thompson. "But they tell me that they’re real famous and that’s good enough for me. I just wish Elvis and Liberace were still alive."
Dennis Kucinich
Perennial candidate Dennis Kucinich continues to lag behind the frontrunners particularly after his admission of a UFO sighting. But now that incident may actually work in his favor with the announcement of endorsements from Thorak of Theta V and Meesop from Remulon. "Now if I could only get the nod from Tom Cruise and Shirley Maclaine," said the diminutive Democrat. "I’d have a lock on the entire nutbar constituency."
Rudy Giuliani
Not to be outdone, Rudy Giuliani has managed to obtain one of the highest placed endorsements available: himself. "Yes," said the former mayor. "I’m the guy who saved New York City after 9/11 and I think — heck, I know — that I’m the best man for the job." With the full support of one of America’s most famous heros, Mr. Giuliani is hoping his campaign will get a much needed boost and surpass his current survey numbers. "I’m sure my own self-support should be good for at least a 9 or 11-point bump in the polls."
Hillary Clinton
For most of the campaign, it appeared that the support of her husband Bill was all Hillary Clinton needed to win. But now with Oprah’s entry into the race, she has sought and obtained bigger endorsements. Most surprising of the lot is the one from George W. Bush. "I wholeheartedly endorse Senator Clinton for the Democratic nomination," said Mr. Bush. "After all, she’s our best chance for victory in November."
Mitt Romney
Since his "Faith in America" speech didn’t translate into increased support among evangelical voters, Mitt Romney is looking elsewhere to defuse the issue of his religion. It appears that he may have found the answer with his, or anybody’s, highest endorsement to date: Pope Benedict XVI. "Let’s face it," said the former Massachusetts governor. "I’m getting nowhere with those born-again folks so I might as well go for the whole enchilada." Although the Pope was apparently somewhat reticent about supporting a Mormon, he figured it was better than signing on with "one of those heathen Democrats."
John Edwards
So far, John Edwards has had little success in attaining high profile support but it’s not for lack of opportunities. Democrats from Jimmy Carter to John Kerry to Al Gore have offered their support. However, since Mr. Edwards still hopes to win the nomination, he graciously declined the three offers.
John McCain
Often criticized for being too old to run for President, John McCain has found the boost he needs with endorsements from young celebrities. Everyone from Lindsay Lohan to Paris Hilton has climbed aboard the Straight Talk Express to give the Arizona senator instant credibility with the younger generation. "Look," said McCain. "If all it takes is to stock my bus with the booze and pills today’s kids like, I think the payoff is more than worth it." When asked what she likes best about her new favorite candidate, Britney Spears said: "His bus is a 24/7 party and I don’t have to drive!"
Fred Thompson
As another candidate suffering under the "too old" label, Fred Thompson desperately needed an injection of non-artificial "hip" into his candidacy. And it appears that he got it with a celebrity endorsement trifecta. The Thompson campaign recognized the importance of getting support from celebrities, like Oprah, who are so famous that they are known by a single name. As of today, the former senator from Tennessee reportedly has the backing of Sting, Bono and Cher and he’s still hoping to get Madonna, Prince and Pink to sign on. "I don’t know who the heck these people are," said Thompson. "But they tell me that they’re real famous and that’s good enough for me. I just wish Elvis and Liberace were still alive."
Dennis Kucinich
Perennial candidate Dennis Kucinich continues to lag behind the frontrunners particularly after his admission of a UFO sighting. But now that incident may actually work in his favor with the announcement of endorsements from Thorak of Theta V and Meesop from Remulon. "Now if I could only get the nod from Tom Cruise and Shirley Maclaine," said the diminutive Democrat. "I’d have a lock on the entire nutbar constituency."
Thursday, December 20, 2007
"W" On Steroids
Former Senator George Mitchell has released his report and the results are devastating. Dozens of baseball stars have been named as steroid users. But few people are aware that Mr. Mitchell’s investigation ranged far beyond baseball. Seldom reliable sources have leaked these unpublished excerpts from the Mitchell Report:
George W. Bush
Given his surprise victory in 2000, rumours circulated for years that President Bush was abusing performance-enhancing substances. There is some evidence that he used dimpled and hanging chads to help secure his victory and it has now been proven that, on at least one occasion, he used the very powerful right wing of the Supreme Court. If there was any doubt about Mr. Bush’s abuse of performance drugs, such doubt was completely erased by his unexpected 2004 reelection. Apparently large doses of post-9/11 fear and dirty campaign tricks helped the President perform way beyond his natural abilities. Sadly, as is the case with many users, the effects of such drug abuse have been felt far beyond his immediate family, some say
all the way to Iraq.
Dick Cheney
For years, keen observers wondered how the Vice President could function at such a high level considering his heart problems. Now it turns out that he was using a whole range of uncontrolled substances to keep himself going. Mr. Cheney ingested all kinds of powerful and hallucinatory drugs like WMDs, Osama ties and Middle East democracy spreaders. Sadly, these substances tend to require bigger doses and then new, even stronger more dangerous drugs. If the Vice President doesn’t get help soon, experts warn he may well start using Iranian-bound nukes.
Hillary Clinton
It wasn’t evident early on that the former First Lady was a user. More recently, however, the telltale signs were there when she exhibited such typical symptoms as flip flopping, aggressiveness and outright denial. It turns out that Ms. Clinton was an eight-year user of something called White House residency, a highly addictive drug that causes severe withdrawal and an almost obsessive desire for more. Usually family members can be counted on to help users kick this nasty habit but, sadly, it appears that her husband Bill is a co-dependent user and abuser.
Rudy Giuliani
As a former prosecutor and mayor of New York City, Rudy Giuliani was a hard-nosed politician who alienated almost everyone he encountered. But ever since he started injecting daily doses of the political steroid 9/11, he’s become a changed man. 9/11 is a potent concoction that tends to dramatically alter a user’s personality traits making even the most curmudgeonly person likeable. "From zero to hero" is the expression some users have adopted to describe the powerful transformation this drug can have on them. 9/11 can also apparently make users do uncharacteristic things like seek approval and endorsements from fundamentalist preachers and the NRA.
Oprah Winfrey
It may come as a surprise to most Americans that Oprah Winfrey is a substance abuser. Although she professes to be clean, it recently became apparent that she is using. Her drug of choice is something called Obama ‘08, a new potent mix of youth and liberalism that is injected aurally. One dose of Obama is so addictive that it makes some users see a whole new rose-colored America. So far, there is no known cure although an actual electoral victory will likely bring even the highest user back to reality.
George W. Bush
Given his surprise victory in 2000, rumours circulated for years that President Bush was abusing performance-enhancing substances. There is some evidence that he used dimpled and hanging chads to help secure his victory and it has now been proven that, on at least one occasion, he used the very powerful right wing of the Supreme Court. If there was any doubt about Mr. Bush’s abuse of performance drugs, such doubt was completely erased by his unexpected 2004 reelection. Apparently large doses of post-9/11 fear and dirty campaign tricks helped the President perform way beyond his natural abilities. Sadly, as is the case with many users, the effects of such drug abuse have been felt far beyond his immediate family, some say
all the way to Iraq.
Dick Cheney
For years, keen observers wondered how the Vice President could function at such a high level considering his heart problems. Now it turns out that he was using a whole range of uncontrolled substances to keep himself going. Mr. Cheney ingested all kinds of powerful and hallucinatory drugs like WMDs, Osama ties and Middle East democracy spreaders. Sadly, these substances tend to require bigger doses and then new, even stronger more dangerous drugs. If the Vice President doesn’t get help soon, experts warn he may well start using Iranian-bound nukes.
Hillary Clinton
It wasn’t evident early on that the former First Lady was a user. More recently, however, the telltale signs were there when she exhibited such typical symptoms as flip flopping, aggressiveness and outright denial. It turns out that Ms. Clinton was an eight-year user of something called White House residency, a highly addictive drug that causes severe withdrawal and an almost obsessive desire for more. Usually family members can be counted on to help users kick this nasty habit but, sadly, it appears that her husband Bill is a co-dependent user and abuser.
Rudy Giuliani
As a former prosecutor and mayor of New York City, Rudy Giuliani was a hard-nosed politician who alienated almost everyone he encountered. But ever since he started injecting daily doses of the political steroid 9/11, he’s become a changed man. 9/11 is a potent concoction that tends to dramatically alter a user’s personality traits making even the most curmudgeonly person likeable. "From zero to hero" is the expression some users have adopted to describe the powerful transformation this drug can have on them. 9/11 can also apparently make users do uncharacteristic things like seek approval and endorsements from fundamentalist preachers and the NRA.
Oprah Winfrey
It may come as a surprise to most Americans that Oprah Winfrey is a substance abuser. Although she professes to be clean, it recently became apparent that she is using. Her drug of choice is something called Obama ‘08, a new potent mix of youth and liberalism that is injected aurally. One dose of Obama is so addictive that it makes some users see a whole new rose-colored America. So far, there is no known cure although an actual electoral victory will likely bring even the highest user back to reality.
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Brian's Top Ten Mistakes List
During his recent appearance before the Commons ethics committee, Brian Mulroney detailed the two biggest mistakes he had ever made, the first being ever agreeing to meet Karlheinz Schreiber and the second being accepting a cash payment from the German businessman. Due to time constraints, however, the former Prime Minister wasn’t able to list the other eight items on his top ten list of mistakes:
3. Taking Schreiber’s money in thousand dollar bills. Twenty dollar bills would have been more convenient and harder to trace.
4. Putting the cash in a safety deposit box. I don’t know what I was thinking. It would have been a lot easier to just stuff it under the mattress or let Mila buy some new shoes.
5. Forgetting to pay taxes on the Schreiber cash in 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 1997, 1998. I was sure we changed the regulations back in ‘87 so that taxes on cash-in-envelope payments were only due at the end of each decade.
6. Meeting Mr. Schreiber for the third, fourth and fifth times. This could count as three mistakes but after getting fooled twice maybe they should only count collectively as one.
7. Sending a Christmas card every year to Mr. Schreiber although there’s nothing wrong with that ‘per se.’
8. Saying of Bryce Mackasey "there’s no whore like an old whore." In retrospect, that probably wasn’t fair.
9. Not trying again for constitutional reform after the failures of the Meech Lake and Charlottetown Accords. I know I could have succeeded on the third attempt or possibly on the fourth shot but definitely by the fifth try.
10. Not running for a third time. If I had known that Kim Campbell was so despised by the Canadian electorate, I would have stayed on to ensure a third Conservative majority.
3. Taking Schreiber’s money in thousand dollar bills. Twenty dollar bills would have been more convenient and harder to trace.
4. Putting the cash in a safety deposit box. I don’t know what I was thinking. It would have been a lot easier to just stuff it under the mattress or let Mila buy some new shoes.
5. Forgetting to pay taxes on the Schreiber cash in 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 1997, 1998. I was sure we changed the regulations back in ‘87 so that taxes on cash-in-envelope payments were only due at the end of each decade.
6. Meeting Mr. Schreiber for the third, fourth and fifth times. This could count as three mistakes but after getting fooled twice maybe they should only count collectively as one.
7. Sending a Christmas card every year to Mr. Schreiber although there’s nothing wrong with that ‘per se.’
8. Saying of Bryce Mackasey "there’s no whore like an old whore." In retrospect, that probably wasn’t fair.
9. Not trying again for constitutional reform after the failures of the Meech Lake and Charlottetown Accords. I know I could have succeeded on the third attempt or possibly on the fourth shot but definitely by the fifth try.
10. Not running for a third time. If I had known that Kim Campbell was so despised by the Canadian electorate, I would have stayed on to ensure a third Conservative majority.
Monday, December 10, 2007
Canada"s Secret Santa
As Christmas rapidly approaches, I’m feeling a wave of seasonal generosity. With all those folks out there in need, I’d like to help out by being their secret Santa.
I don’t know if it’s too late, but first I’d like to help Brian Mulroney. Our former prime minister is obviously suffering and all because of a measly gift from that troublemaker Karlheinz Schreiber.
As Mr. Mulroney’s secret Santa, I’m willing to take the $300,000 he received from Mr. Schreiber off his hands. No cash; no problem. Right? If necessary, I’ll even pay the income tax.
Now it may be that Mr. Mulroney won’t need my generous offer. After all, the last time he went through this, he came away with $2.1 million. Maybe he’s thinking there’s more where that came from.
But if he’s having any doubts, I’m here for him. Taking $300,000 is not much of a hardship for me. And if it can help to restore Mr. Mulroney’s sterling reputation, I’m more than happy to help.
Next, I’d like to do what I can for poor Stephen Harper. Here’s a man who was riding high and running a very successful, one-man show. But then he made a rookie mistake and decided to do the "right" thing and call a public inquiry.
As former prime minister Jean Chretien says: "Inquiries are not the best way to solve problems." In fact, they generally do nothing but cause headaches for the person who calls them. Just ask Paul Martin.
I’m guessing that by now Stephen Harper is regretting his decision and wishing for a way out. I think I, as his new secret Santa, can provide that way out.
I’m sure that Dr. David Johnston is a fine choice to head up the Airbust inquiry, assuming that you actually want to get at the truth. But in politics, getting at the truth creates a lot of collateral damage and plenty of victims along the way.
That’s where I come in. Since I am not burdened with a spotless reputation or a sense of public duty, I’d be a perfect candidate to replace Dr. Johnson.
Within days, I’m sure that I can find a technicality or two to bring the entire inquiry to a screaming halt. And if that doesn’t work, I’ll be happy to resign midway through thereby torpedoing the whole thing and getting Stephen off the hook. Of course, I’d still get my $1,400 per diem payments until it’s over. A definite win-win situation.
As for Stéphane Dion, I don’t think there’s much I can do. Stephen Harper just handed him the best Christmas gift ever, an inquiry that’s sure to keep on giving long after the Christmas season is over. Yet, even with that ribbon-wrapped present, he can’t get any traction. The best I can do for him is a Senate appointment and an offer to serve as interim Liberal leader until such time as Michael Ignatieff and Bob Rae destroy each other.
Finally, I have a little something for my fellow Canadians who are holding U.S. dollars. Give them all to me in exchange for Canadian dollars at par and be done with your currency headaches. In two years the Canadian dollar will probably be worth $1.50 US and you’ll be laughing all the way to the bank. No need to thank me. That’s just what we secret Santas do.
I don’t know if it’s too late, but first I’d like to help Brian Mulroney. Our former prime minister is obviously suffering and all because of a measly gift from that troublemaker Karlheinz Schreiber.
As Mr. Mulroney’s secret Santa, I’m willing to take the $300,000 he received from Mr. Schreiber off his hands. No cash; no problem. Right? If necessary, I’ll even pay the income tax.
Now it may be that Mr. Mulroney won’t need my generous offer. After all, the last time he went through this, he came away with $2.1 million. Maybe he’s thinking there’s more where that came from.
But if he’s having any doubts, I’m here for him. Taking $300,000 is not much of a hardship for me. And if it can help to restore Mr. Mulroney’s sterling reputation, I’m more than happy to help.
Next, I’d like to do what I can for poor Stephen Harper. Here’s a man who was riding high and running a very successful, one-man show. But then he made a rookie mistake and decided to do the "right" thing and call a public inquiry.
As former prime minister Jean Chretien says: "Inquiries are not the best way to solve problems." In fact, they generally do nothing but cause headaches for the person who calls them. Just ask Paul Martin.
I’m guessing that by now Stephen Harper is regretting his decision and wishing for a way out. I think I, as his new secret Santa, can provide that way out.
I’m sure that Dr. David Johnston is a fine choice to head up the Airbust inquiry, assuming that you actually want to get at the truth. But in politics, getting at the truth creates a lot of collateral damage and plenty of victims along the way.
That’s where I come in. Since I am not burdened with a spotless reputation or a sense of public duty, I’d be a perfect candidate to replace Dr. Johnson.
Within days, I’m sure that I can find a technicality or two to bring the entire inquiry to a screaming halt. And if that doesn’t work, I’ll be happy to resign midway through thereby torpedoing the whole thing and getting Stephen off the hook. Of course, I’d still get my $1,400 per diem payments until it’s over. A definite win-win situation.
As for Stéphane Dion, I don’t think there’s much I can do. Stephen Harper just handed him the best Christmas gift ever, an inquiry that’s sure to keep on giving long after the Christmas season is over. Yet, even with that ribbon-wrapped present, he can’t get any traction. The best I can do for him is a Senate appointment and an offer to serve as interim Liberal leader until such time as Michael Ignatieff and Bob Rae destroy each other.
Finally, I have a little something for my fellow Canadians who are holding U.S. dollars. Give them all to me in exchange for Canadian dollars at par and be done with your currency headaches. In two years the Canadian dollar will probably be worth $1.50 US and you’ll be laughing all the way to the bank. No need to thank me. That’s just what we secret Santas do.
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
Washington's Secret Santa
Christmas is almost here and ‘tis the season for giving and receiving. Here’s what some Washington-based folks have on their secret Santa wish list:
George W. Bush
* a blooming democracy in the Middle East or at least one in the Midwest
* no more threatening memos from Dick Cheney
* a dictionary but not one of those fancy Oxford ones, just one of those easy-to-read ones with the big print and the pictures
* a "Dallas"-like declaration that the last seven years was all just a dream
Hillary Clinton
* one more gigantic Bush screw-up
* a fifty-cent dollar
* a strong, unequivocal position on an issue, any issue
* a Taser-equipped chastity belt for Bill
Rudy Giuliani
* a pre-election terrorist attack on American soil big enough to scare everyone into voting Republican again
* endorsements from the Pope and the devil
* nine ladies dancing and eleven pipers piping
Bill Clinton
* eight more years in The White House, this time with even fewer responsibilities
* a working wife
* the secret combination for the lock on that chastity belt
Mitt Romney
* poll results showing overwhelming voter preference for flip-floppers
* Pope Benedict’s conversion to Mormonism
* longer lasting black spray-on hair shellac
* no last minute verbal gaffes à la papa George’s "brainwashing" quote in 1967
Barack Obama
* a new middle name, anything other than Hussein except maybe bin Laden
* discovery of an American slave ancestor or two
* a big can of anti-estrogen spray
Fred Thompson
* official Ronald Reagan orange hair dye
* more "Law and Order" residuals so we can afford a washroom on the campaign bus
* an implanted defibrillator to keep me awake during debates
John Edwards
* the discovery of some kind of personal minority status not involving sexual orientation
* fewer trial lawyer pals
* a permanent, on-call hair stylist
John McCain
* a renewed public interest in Vietnam POWs
* the missing "X" from the Straight Talk Express
* a shot at being the oldest President in 2012
* fewer comparisons to Harold Stassen
Dennis Kucinich
* a UFO appearance on national, prime time TV
* a new study showing the intellectual superiority of short men
* a hometown other than Cleveland
The American people
* no more wars with four-letter Middle Eastern nations beginning with "I"
* the return of conservative bankers
* payment in Canadian dollars
* no more Clintons in The White House for at least a generation
* no more Bushes in The White House ever
George W. Bush
* a blooming democracy in the Middle East or at least one in the Midwest
* no more threatening memos from Dick Cheney
* a dictionary but not one of those fancy Oxford ones, just one of those easy-to-read ones with the big print and the pictures
* a "Dallas"-like declaration that the last seven years was all just a dream
Hillary Clinton
* one more gigantic Bush screw-up
* a fifty-cent dollar
* a strong, unequivocal position on an issue, any issue
* a Taser-equipped chastity belt for Bill
Rudy Giuliani
* a pre-election terrorist attack on American soil big enough to scare everyone into voting Republican again
* endorsements from the Pope and the devil
* nine ladies dancing and eleven pipers piping
Bill Clinton
* eight more years in The White House, this time with even fewer responsibilities
* a working wife
* the secret combination for the lock on that chastity belt
Mitt Romney
* poll results showing overwhelming voter preference for flip-floppers
* Pope Benedict’s conversion to Mormonism
* longer lasting black spray-on hair shellac
* no last minute verbal gaffes à la papa George’s "brainwashing" quote in 1967
Barack Obama
* a new middle name, anything other than Hussein except maybe bin Laden
* discovery of an American slave ancestor or two
* a big can of anti-estrogen spray
Fred Thompson
* official Ronald Reagan orange hair dye
* more "Law and Order" residuals so we can afford a washroom on the campaign bus
* an implanted defibrillator to keep me awake during debates
John Edwards
* the discovery of some kind of personal minority status not involving sexual orientation
* fewer trial lawyer pals
* a permanent, on-call hair stylist
John McCain
* a renewed public interest in Vietnam POWs
* the missing "X" from the Straight Talk Express
* a shot at being the oldest President in 2012
* fewer comparisons to Harold Stassen
Dennis Kucinich
* a UFO appearance on national, prime time TV
* a new study showing the intellectual superiority of short men
* a hometown other than Cleveland
The American people
* no more wars with four-letter Middle Eastern nations beginning with "I"
* the return of conservative bankers
* payment in Canadian dollars
* no more Clintons in The White House for at least a generation
* no more Bushes in The White House ever
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Architect Gone Wild
CORONADO, Calif. (AP) -- The Navy will spend as much as $600,000 to modify a 40-year-old barracks complex that resembles a swastika from the air, a gaffe that went largely unnoticed before satellite images became easily accessible on the Internet.
- Associated Press - September 26, 2007
John Mock, the architect who designed the complex in the 1960s, claims the buildings in question are not actually connected and therefore do not form a swastika. However, Mr. Mock’s personal diary from that era recently surfaced, the following excerpts from which cast doubt on his claim:
July 6. 1968
Great fun today. That Navy complex I designed officially opened last month and the clowns still haven’t figured out what it looks like from above. Sent them a note yesterday from "A. Hitler, Asuncion, Paraguay" saying: "Thanks for the unexpected honor. Long live the Third Reich." Two admirals and a Navy undersecretary have already called me today in a flap asking if I knew what this was all about. Feigned surprise, ignorance and shock. Checked local commercial flight paths and was disappointed to find no airline flies over that complex. Oh well, hopefully I’ll have better luck on my next project.
March 14, 1969
Designed mansion for well-known, pompous Hollywood director and construction almost completed. Can’t believe he hasn’t spotted my latest trick. Rectangular house has straight driveway leading from front door that intersects outer, semi-circular roadway with a brief right-angled cul-de-sac at its lower terminus. From the air, it clearly looks like a Soviet hammer and sickle but no one has cottoned on to this yet. Final payment check should clear tomorrow at which time I’ll slip the aerial photos I took last week under his office door. Wish I could see the look on his face. Good luck getting work in Hollywood after that, Mr. Bigshot Director!
September 14, 1970
Concrete footings poured today for right-wing industrialist’s new home in Malibu. Noted anti-Semite has no clue that his new digs look like a Star of David from the air. He was getting suspicious the other day until I told him that I based the design of the house on the Pentagon since I knew he was such an American patriot. Seemed to mollify him although I won’t take any chances until he’s moved in. Although once he sees an aerial photo, he may never move in!
April 20, 1971
For Chris sakes, it’s a cross! Any idiot can see that. Or at least so I thought when they asked me to design a new mosque just outside San Diego. I was sure they’d figure this one out before we broke ground on the construction site. But everyone was so enamoured of my design that no one spotted the obvious. If construction goes as planned, I hope to send them a Happy Easter card next April with an aerial photo inside. An anonymous card, needless to say!
October 1, 1972
Some big insurance company hired me to design their new headquarters. Never been a big fan of insurance companies. Maybe I’m being too bold on this one but I couldn’t help myself. Rather than stick with a funny aerial design, I figured I’d try having some fun with the ground level view. It’s a contiguous, four-tower complex with the second tower twice the height of the first and third towers and the fourth tower slightly shorter. Imagine; a 62-storey middle finger. Take that you insurance weasels!
- Associated Press - September 26, 2007
John Mock, the architect who designed the complex in the 1960s, claims the buildings in question are not actually connected and therefore do not form a swastika. However, Mr. Mock’s personal diary from that era recently surfaced, the following excerpts from which cast doubt on his claim:
July 6. 1968
Great fun today. That Navy complex I designed officially opened last month and the clowns still haven’t figured out what it looks like from above. Sent them a note yesterday from "A. Hitler, Asuncion, Paraguay" saying: "Thanks for the unexpected honor. Long live the Third Reich." Two admirals and a Navy undersecretary have already called me today in a flap asking if I knew what this was all about. Feigned surprise, ignorance and shock. Checked local commercial flight paths and was disappointed to find no airline flies over that complex. Oh well, hopefully I’ll have better luck on my next project.
March 14, 1969
Designed mansion for well-known, pompous Hollywood director and construction almost completed. Can’t believe he hasn’t spotted my latest trick. Rectangular house has straight driveway leading from front door that intersects outer, semi-circular roadway with a brief right-angled cul-de-sac at its lower terminus. From the air, it clearly looks like a Soviet hammer and sickle but no one has cottoned on to this yet. Final payment check should clear tomorrow at which time I’ll slip the aerial photos I took last week under his office door. Wish I could see the look on his face. Good luck getting work in Hollywood after that, Mr. Bigshot Director!
September 14, 1970
Concrete footings poured today for right-wing industrialist’s new home in Malibu. Noted anti-Semite has no clue that his new digs look like a Star of David from the air. He was getting suspicious the other day until I told him that I based the design of the house on the Pentagon since I knew he was such an American patriot. Seemed to mollify him although I won’t take any chances until he’s moved in. Although once he sees an aerial photo, he may never move in!
April 20, 1971
For Chris sakes, it’s a cross! Any idiot can see that. Or at least so I thought when they asked me to design a new mosque just outside San Diego. I was sure they’d figure this one out before we broke ground on the construction site. But everyone was so enamoured of my design that no one spotted the obvious. If construction goes as planned, I hope to send them a Happy Easter card next April with an aerial photo inside. An anonymous card, needless to say!
October 1, 1972
Some big insurance company hired me to design their new headquarters. Never been a big fan of insurance companies. Maybe I’m being too bold on this one but I couldn’t help myself. Rather than stick with a funny aerial design, I figured I’d try having some fun with the ground level view. It’s a contiguous, four-tower complex with the second tower twice the height of the first and third towers and the fourth tower slightly shorter. Imagine; a 62-storey middle finger. Take that you insurance weasels!
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
American Illegals
Well, fellow Canadians, it’s finally happened. Our dollar is now worth more than the American greenback and it’s continuing to go up. But beware; there’s a cloud covering this silver lining.
Because the U. S. buck has tanked, we can expect an influx of illegal immigrants from our southern neighbor. With a currency soon to be worthless and an economy in hock to the Chinese, it’s no surprise that Americans are going to head north seeking any employment they can get.
Listen, I’ve got nothing against these folks. Some of my best friends are Americans. But if they’re going to come into this country illegally to take away jobs that some Canadians might eventually want to consider filling some day, something has to be done.
We have to secure our southern boundary now. For years, Americans have very cleverly been referring to it as the world’s longest undefended border. But they were just lulling us into a false sense of security, all the time knowing that the day would come when that unprotected border would be their ticket to a better life in Canada.
Maybe some of you think that this is not yet a serious problem. Well, take a look around you. Can you tell if your neighbor is an American? How about that taxi driver? Do you know where he’s from?
If we don’t act now, we will be inundated with illegal Americans. And you know where that will lead. Before long, we’ll have no more maple syrup or Canadian bacon. The next thing you know, they’ll be using our schools and our healthcare. And then they’ll bastardize our cherished Canadian football by having four downs instead of three and using a puny, 100-yard field.
Although our customs and immigration officials will do their best to stem the tide of "Yanks" at the border, Americans are notoriously clever and some will almost certainly make it in. All citizens are therefore asked to be on special alert for illegal aliens and to do their part to stop this army of invaders.
But be careful; Americans often look and sound very much like Canadians. And many are clever enough to adopt Canadianisms like "eh?", "zed" and pronouncing schedule as "shed-yule."
The following additional guidelines may be helpful in identifying the American illegals in our midst:
If it’s summer, be suspicious of anyone still wearing a parka. If in doubt, ask them to spell "tuque."
Light up a joint in front of the suspect. If he says "Hey, that’s illegal" and goes for his handgun, you’ve likely nabbed an American. Don’t forget to duck.
You can try asking if he knows the name of the current Prime Minister. However, this question is somewhat unreliable as approximately 30% of legitimate Canadians do not know the correct answer (hint: this month, it’s Stephen Harper).
If you say "How about a coffee and a doughnut?" and they say "Sure, let’s go to Krispy Kreme", you’re probably talking to an American. If they’re clever enough to choose Tim Hortons, ask which NHL teams he played for.
Steer the topic of conversation to prescription pharmaceuticals and ask how much the person pays for Viagra or Zoloft or Paxil. If it’s 30% more than you pay, you’re likely dealing with an American.
Mention that you’ll be attending the upcoming wedding of your cousin Fred and his fiancé Bob. If the suspect looks surprised, he may be an American. Be careful, though, since some Massachusetts and Vermont residents may appear nonplussed by such talk.
If we all do our part, we can secure our border and stop this dreaded invasion. We did it in 1775 and 1812 and we can do it again. Because if we don’t, the next thing they’ll want is amnesty or maybe even a driver’s license.
Because the U. S. buck has tanked, we can expect an influx of illegal immigrants from our southern neighbor. With a currency soon to be worthless and an economy in hock to the Chinese, it’s no surprise that Americans are going to head north seeking any employment they can get.
Listen, I’ve got nothing against these folks. Some of my best friends are Americans. But if they’re going to come into this country illegally to take away jobs that some Canadians might eventually want to consider filling some day, something has to be done.
We have to secure our southern boundary now. For years, Americans have very cleverly been referring to it as the world’s longest undefended border. But they were just lulling us into a false sense of security, all the time knowing that the day would come when that unprotected border would be their ticket to a better life in Canada.
Maybe some of you think that this is not yet a serious problem. Well, take a look around you. Can you tell if your neighbor is an American? How about that taxi driver? Do you know where he’s from?
If we don’t act now, we will be inundated with illegal Americans. And you know where that will lead. Before long, we’ll have no more maple syrup or Canadian bacon. The next thing you know, they’ll be using our schools and our healthcare. And then they’ll bastardize our cherished Canadian football by having four downs instead of three and using a puny, 100-yard field.
Although our customs and immigration officials will do their best to stem the tide of "Yanks" at the border, Americans are notoriously clever and some will almost certainly make it in. All citizens are therefore asked to be on special alert for illegal aliens and to do their part to stop this army of invaders.
But be careful; Americans often look and sound very much like Canadians. And many are clever enough to adopt Canadianisms like "eh?", "zed" and pronouncing schedule as "shed-yule."
The following additional guidelines may be helpful in identifying the American illegals in our midst:
If it’s summer, be suspicious of anyone still wearing a parka. If in doubt, ask them to spell "tuque."
Light up a joint in front of the suspect. If he says "Hey, that’s illegal" and goes for his handgun, you’ve likely nabbed an American. Don’t forget to duck.
You can try asking if he knows the name of the current Prime Minister. However, this question is somewhat unreliable as approximately 30% of legitimate Canadians do not know the correct answer (hint: this month, it’s Stephen Harper).
If you say "How about a coffee and a doughnut?" and they say "Sure, let’s go to Krispy Kreme", you’re probably talking to an American. If they’re clever enough to choose Tim Hortons, ask which NHL teams he played for.
Steer the topic of conversation to prescription pharmaceuticals and ask how much the person pays for Viagra or Zoloft or Paxil. If it’s 30% more than you pay, you’re likely dealing with an American.
Mention that you’ll be attending the upcoming wedding of your cousin Fred and his fiancé Bob. If the suspect looks surprised, he may be an American. Be careful, though, since some Massachusetts and Vermont residents may appear nonplussed by such talk.
If we all do our part, we can secure our border and stop this dreaded invasion. We did it in 1775 and 1812 and we can do it again. Because if we don’t, the next thing they’ll want is amnesty or maybe even a driver’s license.
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Rapid Job Turnover Commission
"Retiring baby boomers have sparked an unprecedented churn of workers within the federal government, starting at the top where nearly 60 per cent of executives spend less than a year in their jobs....[P]ay records showed that 40 per cent of Canada’s public servants started and ended the year in different jobs. That jumped to more than 75 per cent for some occupations."
- The Ottawa Citizen - November 19, 2007
The federal government has identified rapid job turnover as a serious problem and has taken steps to rectify the matter. A temporary Treasury Board spokesperson today announced that John Servant, formerly Assistant Deputy Minister of the Department of Communication and Obfuscation, has been seconded by the Board to head up the new Rapid Job Turnover Initiative.
Asked to comment on his new mandate, Mr. Servant indicated that he had only been in the job for two days and was therefore not yet able to fully describe his new functions.
"I can definitely say that I am pleased to be heading up this new initiative," said Mr. Servant. "And I look forward to working with the fine group of talented people assembled for this task."
Joining Mr. Servant for this new project will be Mary Worker who will be Acting Head of the Rapid Job Turnover Commission. Mary joins the RJTC after serving for nearly five months as the Temporary Chair of the Soaring Loonie Recalibration Board. Prior to working for the SLRB, Ms. Worker held numerous positions in various departments for different limited terms.
"Frankly, I think this new initiative will help reorder and restructure government for the coming challenges of the 21st century," said Ms. Worker. "Or at the very least it will help me get that ADM appointment I’ve always wanted."
Ms. Worker’s first action as Temporary Chair was to appoint Tom Bureau as Temporary Vice Chair of the RJTC. Since January, Mr. Bureau has been Canada’s Obfuscator General after serving in various positions that are listed on the third, fourth and fifth pages of his c.v.
"This is a great opportunity for me," said Mr. Bureau. "Particularly since I will be retiring in six months and thus will be able to bring a unique perspective to the task."
None of the new appointees was able to give many details about their new jobs or, for that matter, about their previous positions. When asked to provide further information about the new initiative, the temporary Treasury Board spokesperson indicated that he had just been given a lateral transfer to the Department of Communications and Obfuscation and was no longer able to comment on the RJT program.
"I am no longer with Treasury Board," said the former spokesperson. "But I’m sure that my replacement will be able to provide all the information you need very shortly."
The former temporary spokesperson’s part-time replacement was not immediately available to comment since she was being interviewed for the position of John Servant’s administrative assistant. Her voicemail, however, did include the following message:
"Hello-Bonjour. You’ve reached the office of the Treasury Board’s temporary part-time spokesperson for the Rapid Job Turnover Initiative. I’m either on the phone or busy applying for another job. Please leave your name and number and hope for the best."
- The Ottawa Citizen - November 19, 2007
The federal government has identified rapid job turnover as a serious problem and has taken steps to rectify the matter. A temporary Treasury Board spokesperson today announced that John Servant, formerly Assistant Deputy Minister of the Department of Communication and Obfuscation, has been seconded by the Board to head up the new Rapid Job Turnover Initiative.
Asked to comment on his new mandate, Mr. Servant indicated that he had only been in the job for two days and was therefore not yet able to fully describe his new functions.
"I can definitely say that I am pleased to be heading up this new initiative," said Mr. Servant. "And I look forward to working with the fine group of talented people assembled for this task."
Joining Mr. Servant for this new project will be Mary Worker who will be Acting Head of the Rapid Job Turnover Commission. Mary joins the RJTC after serving for nearly five months as the Temporary Chair of the Soaring Loonie Recalibration Board. Prior to working for the SLRB, Ms. Worker held numerous positions in various departments for different limited terms.
"Frankly, I think this new initiative will help reorder and restructure government for the coming challenges of the 21st century," said Ms. Worker. "Or at the very least it will help me get that ADM appointment I’ve always wanted."
Ms. Worker’s first action as Temporary Chair was to appoint Tom Bureau as Temporary Vice Chair of the RJTC. Since January, Mr. Bureau has been Canada’s Obfuscator General after serving in various positions that are listed on the third, fourth and fifth pages of his c.v.
"This is a great opportunity for me," said Mr. Bureau. "Particularly since I will be retiring in six months and thus will be able to bring a unique perspective to the task."
None of the new appointees was able to give many details about their new jobs or, for that matter, about their previous positions. When asked to provide further information about the new initiative, the temporary Treasury Board spokesperson indicated that he had just been given a lateral transfer to the Department of Communications and Obfuscation and was no longer able to comment on the RJT program.
"I am no longer with Treasury Board," said the former spokesperson. "But I’m sure that my replacement will be able to provide all the information you need very shortly."
The former temporary spokesperson’s part-time replacement was not immediately available to comment since she was being interviewed for the position of John Servant’s administrative assistant. Her voicemail, however, did include the following message:
"Hello-Bonjour. You’ve reached the office of the Treasury Board’s temporary part-time spokesperson for the Rapid Job Turnover Initiative. I’m either on the phone or busy applying for another job. Please leave your name and number and hope for the best."
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
The Shooting of Stephen Harper
"The Shooting of Stephen Harper"
(with apologies to Robert Service)
A bunch of the Tories were whooping it up in the Parliamentary saloon;
The polls were looking real pretty with an election expected quite soon;
Back of the bar, in a solo game, sat Stephen the head of the crew,
Discussing his luck with his new-found friend, the ex-PM known as Mulroo.
When in from the night, and out of the cold, and into the din and glare,
There stumbled a prison-bound German, all outraged and loaded for bear.
He looked like a man with a hidden agenda, his integrity visibly weak,
An affidavit he tossed on the bar, and demanded a moment to speak.
There was none who trusted the German’s face, his aura all gloomy and black;
But we gave him a listen, and the last to hear was Stephen the head of the pack.
There’s men that somehow just grip your eyes, and hold them hard like a spell;
And such was he, and he looked to me like a man who had lived in hell;
With a face far from fair, and the icy stare of a dog whose day had come,
He lifted his document and started to read the charges out one by one.
Then I got to figgering who he was, and wondering about all the signs,
And I turned my head and he slowly said "My name, boys, is Schreiber, Karlheinz."
His eyes went floating round the room, and he seemed in a kind of a daze,
Till at last he saw his old friend Mulroo in the path of his wandering gaze.
He sidled up to his longtime pal and held out his hand for to shake,
Mulroo turned away and quickly did say "I’ve never been on the take."
But the German insisted and still persisted and claimed that he’d given a lot,
"Three hundred thousand I gave him," said Karl, "And he still claims he never got caught."
And then Mr. Schreiber addressed Stephen Harper and asked him point blank and outright,
"Did you get the short letter I sent you last spring? How come it ain’t seen the light?"
And Harper he shook, and a glance at Mulroo took before he started to whine,
"I don’t know what you’re talking about and this guy’s no friend of mine."
Were you ever out in the wilderness, with not enough seats to go round,
And no matter what you offered, a majority just couldn’t be found,
And although you might try, to be less right and avoid looking grim-faced and dour,
You can’t seem to win even without sin, clean mad for political power.
It was winter, you see, and Harper, well he was hoping to win in the spring,
But this Schreiber guy even if he did lie, was clearly on to something;
The folks in the bar from away and far had heard all this stuff before,
They trusted Mulroo no more than you do and less than any old whore.
So Stephen he knew that if victory was due, he had to cut loose from his friend,
For if the voters got wind of his nexus to sin, his chances were then at an end.
Then I ducked my head and the lights went out, and the pols all fought wildly like cats;
A nation yawned and the lights went up, but we were left with the same old rats.
Stood on his head, and left for half-dead, was Stephen who now did lament,
His longed for correction and springtime election were gone in that one crazy moment.
There are the simple facts of the case, and I guess I ought to know.
They say that Harper was crazed with desire and I’m not denying it’s so.
I’m not so wise as the political guys, but I swear by all holy signs,
The guy that screwed him and stole his election was the German named Schreiber, Karlheinz.
(with apologies to Robert Service)
A bunch of the Tories were whooping it up in the Parliamentary saloon;
The polls were looking real pretty with an election expected quite soon;
Back of the bar, in a solo game, sat Stephen the head of the crew,
Discussing his luck with his new-found friend, the ex-PM known as Mulroo.
When in from the night, and out of the cold, and into the din and glare,
There stumbled a prison-bound German, all outraged and loaded for bear.
He looked like a man with a hidden agenda, his integrity visibly weak,
An affidavit he tossed on the bar, and demanded a moment to speak.
There was none who trusted the German’s face, his aura all gloomy and black;
But we gave him a listen, and the last to hear was Stephen the head of the pack.
There’s men that somehow just grip your eyes, and hold them hard like a spell;
And such was he, and he looked to me like a man who had lived in hell;
With a face far from fair, and the icy stare of a dog whose day had come,
He lifted his document and started to read the charges out one by one.
Then I got to figgering who he was, and wondering about all the signs,
And I turned my head and he slowly said "My name, boys, is Schreiber, Karlheinz."
His eyes went floating round the room, and he seemed in a kind of a daze,
Till at last he saw his old friend Mulroo in the path of his wandering gaze.
He sidled up to his longtime pal and held out his hand for to shake,
Mulroo turned away and quickly did say "I’ve never been on the take."
But the German insisted and still persisted and claimed that he’d given a lot,
"Three hundred thousand I gave him," said Karl, "And he still claims he never got caught."
And then Mr. Schreiber addressed Stephen Harper and asked him point blank and outright,
"Did you get the short letter I sent you last spring? How come it ain’t seen the light?"
And Harper he shook, and a glance at Mulroo took before he started to whine,
"I don’t know what you’re talking about and this guy’s no friend of mine."
Were you ever out in the wilderness, with not enough seats to go round,
And no matter what you offered, a majority just couldn’t be found,
And although you might try, to be less right and avoid looking grim-faced and dour,
You can’t seem to win even without sin, clean mad for political power.
It was winter, you see, and Harper, well he was hoping to win in the spring,
But this Schreiber guy even if he did lie, was clearly on to something;
The folks in the bar from away and far had heard all this stuff before,
They trusted Mulroo no more than you do and less than any old whore.
So Stephen he knew that if victory was due, he had to cut loose from his friend,
For if the voters got wind of his nexus to sin, his chances were then at an end.
Then I ducked my head and the lights went out, and the pols all fought wildly like cats;
A nation yawned and the lights went up, but we were left with the same old rats.
Stood on his head, and left for half-dead, was Stephen who now did lament,
His longed for correction and springtime election were gone in that one crazy moment.
There are the simple facts of the case, and I guess I ought to know.
They say that Harper was crazed with desire and I’m not denying it’s so.
I’m not so wise as the political guys, but I swear by all holy signs,
The guy that screwed him and stole his election was the German named Schreiber, Karlheinz.
Monday, November 19, 2007
The History of Writers' Strikes
The Writers Guild of America’s current work stoppage is not the first writers’ strike. Back in 1988, the WGA went out for five months and there were strikes back in 1960 and 1973 as well. But the history of such labor disputes doesn’t end there. Writers have been striking for centuries as evidenced by these past walkouts:
London 1868
The world’s premier literary capital was in turmoil thanks to a strike by British playwrights and novelists. London theaters had no new productions and newspapers had to cease their latest serializations of popular novels. The writing community was looking to achieve at least some of the profits being realized from the translation of their works to such emerging technologies as stereoscopes and "moving pictures." With the likes of Charles Dickens, George Eliot, Lewis Carroll and Edward George Bulwer-Lytton walking the picket line, well-to-do Londoners had to make do with observing everyday life for their daily entertainment, what soon came to be known as "reality shows." Attempts to bring in outside strikebreakers like Henry James and Mark Twain failed when it was discovered that they did not employ the Queen’s English.
Germany 1426
A little known labor dispute hit much of Europe almost 600 years ago. Tired of inadequate pay for repeatedly transcribing copies of the Bible, hundreds of monks participated in a three-day sit-down and work stoppage. The main point of contention was the scribes’ demand for residuals on sales of illuminated Bibles. The dispute came to a quick and unsuccessful end with the invention of movable type by noted German scab Johannes Gutenberg.
Athens 427 B.C.
The wordsmiths of ancient Athens almost brought the city state to its knees back in 427 B.C. when most toga-clad writers walked off the job for over a week. Outdoor theaters immediately went dark and early evening comedy clubs had to close with such noted authors as Aristonphanes, Sophocles and Euripides walking the line. The writers were seeking compensation for the reproduction of their works on new media such as scrolls and parchment. The strike abruptly ended when theater owners quickly realized there were not yet any copyright laws to prevent them from using existing works over and over again without compensation.
Mesopotamia 1725 B.C.
From the Code of Hammurabi to the latest standup routine at Babylon’s Catch a Rising Star comedy club, Mesopotamians relied on the stylus-formed scribblings of local writers. Much of the business and cultural life of the area briefly came to a halt in early 1725 B.C. when the scribes went on strike for more pay and a higher share of the royalties on reissued cuneiform tablets. Sadly, no progress was made as the strike ended on the second day when Hammurabi had half the writers beheaded.
The Olduvai Gorge 1,000,000 B.C.
A primitive writers’ strike seemed doomed from the start when the two local cave painters quickly realized that no one could read. Attempts to gain fair compensation for all "out-of-cave" production largely fell on deaf ears since no one knew what the "funny guys with colored sticks" were talking about. The work stoppage ceased precipitously when union local president Grok the Elder was trampled by a stampeding mastodon.
London 1868
The world’s premier literary capital was in turmoil thanks to a strike by British playwrights and novelists. London theaters had no new productions and newspapers had to cease their latest serializations of popular novels. The writing community was looking to achieve at least some of the profits being realized from the translation of their works to such emerging technologies as stereoscopes and "moving pictures." With the likes of Charles Dickens, George Eliot, Lewis Carroll and Edward George Bulwer-Lytton walking the picket line, well-to-do Londoners had to make do with observing everyday life for their daily entertainment, what soon came to be known as "reality shows." Attempts to bring in outside strikebreakers like Henry James and Mark Twain failed when it was discovered that they did not employ the Queen’s English.
Germany 1426
A little known labor dispute hit much of Europe almost 600 years ago. Tired of inadequate pay for repeatedly transcribing copies of the Bible, hundreds of monks participated in a three-day sit-down and work stoppage. The main point of contention was the scribes’ demand for residuals on sales of illuminated Bibles. The dispute came to a quick and unsuccessful end with the invention of movable type by noted German scab Johannes Gutenberg.
Athens 427 B.C.
The wordsmiths of ancient Athens almost brought the city state to its knees back in 427 B.C. when most toga-clad writers walked off the job for over a week. Outdoor theaters immediately went dark and early evening comedy clubs had to close with such noted authors as Aristonphanes, Sophocles and Euripides walking the line. The writers were seeking compensation for the reproduction of their works on new media such as scrolls and parchment. The strike abruptly ended when theater owners quickly realized there were not yet any copyright laws to prevent them from using existing works over and over again without compensation.
Mesopotamia 1725 B.C.
From the Code of Hammurabi to the latest standup routine at Babylon’s Catch a Rising Star comedy club, Mesopotamians relied on the stylus-formed scribblings of local writers. Much of the business and cultural life of the area briefly came to a halt in early 1725 B.C. when the scribes went on strike for more pay and a higher share of the royalties on reissued cuneiform tablets. Sadly, no progress was made as the strike ended on the second day when Hammurabi had half the writers beheaded.
The Olduvai Gorge 1,000,000 B.C.
A primitive writers’ strike seemed doomed from the start when the two local cave painters quickly realized that no one could read. Attempts to gain fair compensation for all "out-of-cave" production largely fell on deaf ears since no one knew what the "funny guys with colored sticks" were talking about. The work stoppage ceased precipitously when union local president Grok the Elder was trampled by a stampeding mastodon.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Translating Bureaucratese
People tend to read documents and messages from their own individual perspectives. Oftentimes, one person’s translation will differ significantly from another’s depending on their experience, knowledge and self-interest. Take, for example, the following edited version of an e-mail I recently received at work and the various ways different people might translate it:
"You may recall our CEO speaking of our department’s Enterprise Business Renewal (EBR) at our last AGM as being a critical component to our future and to implementing our Strategic Plan. This initiative is now well underway across the organization.
The initial work has been ongoing in our branch to map our processes. This work has been completed and we are now moving into the process modernization assessment phase where areas and elements for process improvement need to be identified.
I am writing to seek your participation during this assessment phase to provide input on process improvement opportunities that exist in our area of work. If required, you may also be approached by our representative on the EBR Project Management Team (PMT), or myself, to attend a meeting/workshop in order to gather your input. These meetings/workshops will be facilitated by CGI consultants who are working with the EBR PMT.
The next step will be to gather results of these meetings and hold a horizontal workshop with all product line branches to confirm the identified process improvements. You can also stay informed on progress by taking a look at the EBR Steering Committee records of discussion on our internal web site."
Non-government worker
This makes no sense to me. The only thing I can tell for sure is that more of my tax money is going down the drain.
Plain English speaker
The big boss wants to make things more efficient. If you’ve got any ideas, let me know and I’ll pass them up the line. I’ll keep you informed if anything happens.
Long term employee
Senior management is engaged in another pointless exercise. Since participation is optional, the e-mail can be ignored and deleted.
Überbureaucrat in junior position
Looking to get ahead? Hoping to climb the government career ladder? Then get onboard with Enterprise Business Renewal. Volunteer for any and all meetings. Come prepared with lots of ideas that sound like they will enhance efficiency even if they don’t. Contact our EBR Project Management Team rep as soon as possible to volunteer for workshops, meetings, bake sales or whatever it takes to get you noticed. Have an EBR t-shirt made and wear it at all meetings. This could be your ticket to a corner office.
Senior bureaucrat
Boy am I glad I don’t have to do this nonsense anymore. Luckily, I’m high enough up the chain that all I have to do is pass the results on to be shelved with all the other efficiency reports gathering dust.
Acronymophile
As you know, our CEO initiated EBR at the AGM. This initiative is WUW (well underway) across the organization. The initial work has included MOP (mapping our processes) and BRI (branch responsibility initiatives). We are now entering the PMAP where the MOP and BRI will be fused by the EBR PMT into a LTIP (long term implementation plan). CGI consultants and IHEs (in-house experts) will coordinate the final product through HWS (horizontal workshops) with the PLBs (product line branches).
Grammarian
I assume AGM means "annual general meeting" but what the heck is a horizontal workshop?
Consultant
Thank God for new government initiatives!
"You may recall our CEO speaking of our department’s Enterprise Business Renewal (EBR) at our last AGM as being a critical component to our future and to implementing our Strategic Plan. This initiative is now well underway across the organization.
The initial work has been ongoing in our branch to map our processes. This work has been completed and we are now moving into the process modernization assessment phase where areas and elements for process improvement need to be identified.
I am writing to seek your participation during this assessment phase to provide input on process improvement opportunities that exist in our area of work. If required, you may also be approached by our representative on the EBR Project Management Team (PMT), or myself, to attend a meeting/workshop in order to gather your input. These meetings/workshops will be facilitated by CGI consultants who are working with the EBR PMT.
The next step will be to gather results of these meetings and hold a horizontal workshop with all product line branches to confirm the identified process improvements. You can also stay informed on progress by taking a look at the EBR Steering Committee records of discussion on our internal web site."
Non-government worker
This makes no sense to me. The only thing I can tell for sure is that more of my tax money is going down the drain.
Plain English speaker
The big boss wants to make things more efficient. If you’ve got any ideas, let me know and I’ll pass them up the line. I’ll keep you informed if anything happens.
Long term employee
Senior management is engaged in another pointless exercise. Since participation is optional, the e-mail can be ignored and deleted.
Überbureaucrat in junior position
Looking to get ahead? Hoping to climb the government career ladder? Then get onboard with Enterprise Business Renewal. Volunteer for any and all meetings. Come prepared with lots of ideas that sound like they will enhance efficiency even if they don’t. Contact our EBR Project Management Team rep as soon as possible to volunteer for workshops, meetings, bake sales or whatever it takes to get you noticed. Have an EBR t-shirt made and wear it at all meetings. This could be your ticket to a corner office.
Senior bureaucrat
Boy am I glad I don’t have to do this nonsense anymore. Luckily, I’m high enough up the chain that all I have to do is pass the results on to be shelved with all the other efficiency reports gathering dust.
Acronymophile
As you know, our CEO initiated EBR at the AGM. This initiative is WUW (well underway) across the organization. The initial work has included MOP (mapping our processes) and BRI (branch responsibility initiatives). We are now entering the PMAP where the MOP and BRI will be fused by the EBR PMT into a LTIP (long term implementation plan). CGI consultants and IHEs (in-house experts) will coordinate the final product through HWS (horizontal workshops) with the PLBs (product line branches).
Grammarian
I assume AGM means "annual general meeting" but what the heck is a horizontal workshop?
Consultant
Thank God for new government initiatives!
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
Halloween in Iowa
Halloween has passed and most of us have recovered from the wave of pint-sized trick or treaters. Except, of course, for adults in Iowa who had to deal with these scary creatures at their doors:
Rudy the RINO
Rudy is a RINO, a Republican in name only. He claims to be a Republican but he often talks like a Democrat. Except when it comes to fighting crime. Then it’s a never ending litany of "9/11! 9/11! 9/11!" If you weren’t scared before, by the time Rudy the RINO is finished with you, you’ll be begging for a handgun.
The She Clinton
Some Iowans will still remember Halloween visits from a friendly guy named Bill Clinton. So when another Clinton comes calling, they may be in for a big surprise. The She Clinton is no warm and fuzzy "feel your pain" costumed character. A full dose of her scary robotic laugh will send most Iowa voters screaming for the cornfields.
Mitt the Mormon
Here’s a creature few Iowans have ever seen. Mitt the Mormon looks like a Christian but his Jesus actually visited America. If that’s not scary enough for Hawkeye voters, Mitt’s frantic flip-flopping on everything from abortion to gay rights to gun control will have them begging for mercy.
Not Osama
His skin is dark and his name seems Middle Eastern but he sounds so very, very reasonable. He’s African; he’s American. But some say he’s not African-American. How can that be? Is he a terrorist or just a really nice guy from Illinois? Probably the latter but can Iowans take the chance?
Dead Fred
Wow! It’s that guy from that TV show "Law and Order." "Boy, we really like him," say Corn Staters. "But now he’s talking about the issues and he’s really, really boring. We’re starting to lose consciousness. Dead Fred, you’re scaring us!"
Edwards Legalhands
He’s back and he’s as frightening as ever. But he’s just that cute guy with the great looking hair who was here four years ago, you say. He’s so adorable that you just want to let him into your house and give him a big hug. But don’t do it. It turns out that he’s really a trial lawyer in disguise. How scary is that?
Rudy the RINO
Rudy is a RINO, a Republican in name only. He claims to be a Republican but he often talks like a Democrat. Except when it comes to fighting crime. Then it’s a never ending litany of "9/11! 9/11! 9/11!" If you weren’t scared before, by the time Rudy the RINO is finished with you, you’ll be begging for a handgun.
The She Clinton
Some Iowans will still remember Halloween visits from a friendly guy named Bill Clinton. So when another Clinton comes calling, they may be in for a big surprise. The She Clinton is no warm and fuzzy "feel your pain" costumed character. A full dose of her scary robotic laugh will send most Iowa voters screaming for the cornfields.
Mitt the Mormon
Here’s a creature few Iowans have ever seen. Mitt the Mormon looks like a Christian but his Jesus actually visited America. If that’s not scary enough for Hawkeye voters, Mitt’s frantic flip-flopping on everything from abortion to gay rights to gun control will have them begging for mercy.
Not Osama
His skin is dark and his name seems Middle Eastern but he sounds so very, very reasonable. He’s African; he’s American. But some say he’s not African-American. How can that be? Is he a terrorist or just a really nice guy from Illinois? Probably the latter but can Iowans take the chance?
Dead Fred
Wow! It’s that guy from that TV show "Law and Order." "Boy, we really like him," say Corn Staters. "But now he’s talking about the issues and he’s really, really boring. We’re starting to lose consciousness. Dead Fred, you’re scaring us!"
Edwards Legalhands
He’s back and he’s as frightening as ever. But he’s just that cute guy with the great looking hair who was here four years ago, you say. He’s so adorable that you just want to let him into your house and give him a big hug. But don’t do it. It turns out that he’s really a trial lawyer in disguise. How scary is that?
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
The True Spirit of Halloween
Most folks have forgotten about the true meaning of Halloween. Caught up in conspicuous consumption, people try to outdo one another in the amount of goodies handed out, the garishness of their decorations and even the cost of their costumes. Few seem to remember what this holiday is all about.
For those who care, Halloween is All Hallows Eve, the night before All Saints’ Day. It’s a time for Christians to embrace the notions of family, community and respect for the dead. This last notion seems to be entirely lost in the modern version of Halloween. In fact, people seem to go out of their way to make fun of the dead with their front lawn graveyards and their elaborate costumes of ghouls, ghosts and goblins.
I, for one, long for the days when we would all gather around the family pumpkin, honor the dead and give thanks for family and the bountiful pumpkin harvest. Or something like that. It’s been so long that the details are a little fuzzy. But it was definitely a more meaningful ceremony than today’s mass genuflection at the alter of sugar-filled treats.
Is this the way we want to raise our children? Do we want to not only condone but encourage disrespect for the dead? Can we really justify stuffing them full of unhealthy, high-calorie snacks?
And what sort of message are we giving our kids when they can roam from neighborhood to neighborhood getting free handouts? This is nothing more than a tacit endorsement of creeping socialism, the dreaded scourge of our society. With this kind of training, today’s children will grow up to have all kinds of unreasonable expectations like universal healthcare and an increased minimum wage.
There is nothing wrong with materialism ‘per se’ but materialism without capitalism is just plain wrong. If we are to continue this annual candy free-for-all then we should at least couch it in terms we can all admire and respect.
We don’t want our kids to get the idea that they can get something for nothing. Instead, let’s make kids pay for the candy we give them or at least perform some household chores as payment in kind. For example, they could do a bit of weeding for a chocolate bar or clean off the dried egg on the car windshield in return for a bag or two of chips.
It’s probably unreasonable to expect everyone to acknowledge and celebrate the religious significance of Halloween. After all, apparently we’re no longer all Christians. For better or worse, Halloween has become secularized. But let’s not allow it to fall forever into the hands of those who would simply exploit it for cultural and commercial gain.
That’s why I intend to turn my back on the spectacle that Halloween has become. I will respect All Hallows Eve for what it was intended to be. No costumes or candy or parties for me. In order to preserve the traditional meaning of the holiday, I intend to quietly celebrate at home in the basement with the curtains drawn and the lights turned off. Happy Halloween.
For those who care, Halloween is All Hallows Eve, the night before All Saints’ Day. It’s a time for Christians to embrace the notions of family, community and respect for the dead. This last notion seems to be entirely lost in the modern version of Halloween. In fact, people seem to go out of their way to make fun of the dead with their front lawn graveyards and their elaborate costumes of ghouls, ghosts and goblins.
I, for one, long for the days when we would all gather around the family pumpkin, honor the dead and give thanks for family and the bountiful pumpkin harvest. Or something like that. It’s been so long that the details are a little fuzzy. But it was definitely a more meaningful ceremony than today’s mass genuflection at the alter of sugar-filled treats.
Is this the way we want to raise our children? Do we want to not only condone but encourage disrespect for the dead? Can we really justify stuffing them full of unhealthy, high-calorie snacks?
And what sort of message are we giving our kids when they can roam from neighborhood to neighborhood getting free handouts? This is nothing more than a tacit endorsement of creeping socialism, the dreaded scourge of our society. With this kind of training, today’s children will grow up to have all kinds of unreasonable expectations like universal healthcare and an increased minimum wage.
There is nothing wrong with materialism ‘per se’ but materialism without capitalism is just plain wrong. If we are to continue this annual candy free-for-all then we should at least couch it in terms we can all admire and respect.
We don’t want our kids to get the idea that they can get something for nothing. Instead, let’s make kids pay for the candy we give them or at least perform some household chores as payment in kind. For example, they could do a bit of weeding for a chocolate bar or clean off the dried egg on the car windshield in return for a bag or two of chips.
It’s probably unreasonable to expect everyone to acknowledge and celebrate the religious significance of Halloween. After all, apparently we’re no longer all Christians. For better or worse, Halloween has become secularized. But let’s not allow it to fall forever into the hands of those who would simply exploit it for cultural and commercial gain.
That’s why I intend to turn my back on the spectacle that Halloween has become. I will respect All Hallows Eve for what it was intended to be. No costumes or candy or parties for me. In order to preserve the traditional meaning of the holiday, I intend to quietly celebrate at home in the basement with the curtains drawn and the lights turned off. Happy Halloween.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Big Apple Fantasy Series
Last night’s game between the Boston Red Sox and the Colorado Rockies signalled the start of the 2007 World Series. At least for most fans. But for New Yorkers, it meant the beginning of their own imaginary series in a world where Alex Rodriquez never strikes out and Tom Glavine never loses. Here’s a summary of this year’s edition of New Yorkers’ ongoing fantasy match-up:
October 24
Meeting for the tenth straight time, the Mets and the Yankees square off in the 2007 Fantasy Series. Having finished twenty games ahead of the Phillies, the Mets swept the Cubs and then the Rockies. The Yankees had a tougher road to the final having dropped a game to both the Red Sox and the Indians. Perhaps because of that extra effort, the Yankees lose the first game to a flame-throwing Orlando Hernandez.
October 25
In a ten inning nailbiter, the Mets take game two on a walk-off home run by Carlos Delgado. Pedro Martinez pitches seven strong innings for the Mets and Mike Mussina keeps the Yanks in the game. George Steinbrenner begins selling off the Yankee roster.
October 27
Back in their home park, the Yankees bounce back with a masterful pitching performance by lefthander Andy Petitte. After the Mets’ series victory last year, the Yankees hope to regain their winning ways and start another six-series winning streak.
October 28
The Yankees win game four to knot the series at two games apiece. Steinbrenner rehires fired players and the team looks ahead to game five. Joe Torre tentatively offered a five-year extension on his ten-year contract but selflessly decides to wait until the series is over.
October 29
Game five is a slugfest with each team collecting two dozen hits including five homers each. The Mets take the lead in the top of the ninth but Derek Jeter slams a three-run shot in the bottom half to make the final 15-14 and put the Yankees up a game.
October 31
Back in the friendly confines of Shea Stadium, the Mets throw a Halloween scare into the Yankees with a 10-1 pounding. Led by the five-hit performance of Moises Alou, the Mets tie the series at three games apiece. Steinbrenner renews trade talks and Joe Torre packs his bags just in case.
November 1
Game seven lasts a record-breaking 25 innings when it is finally called at 4 in the morning when both rosters become too depleted. Immediately dubbed "The Greatest Game of All Time", game seven sets records for most runs, most hits, most extra-inning lead changes and most triple plays. Commissioner Bud Selig declares game seven a tie and awards the World Series to both teams. "Hey," says Commissioner Selig. "So long as a New York team wins, who really cares?"
October 24
Meeting for the tenth straight time, the Mets and the Yankees square off in the 2007 Fantasy Series. Having finished twenty games ahead of the Phillies, the Mets swept the Cubs and then the Rockies. The Yankees had a tougher road to the final having dropped a game to both the Red Sox and the Indians. Perhaps because of that extra effort, the Yankees lose the first game to a flame-throwing Orlando Hernandez.
October 25
In a ten inning nailbiter, the Mets take game two on a walk-off home run by Carlos Delgado. Pedro Martinez pitches seven strong innings for the Mets and Mike Mussina keeps the Yanks in the game. George Steinbrenner begins selling off the Yankee roster.
October 27
Back in their home park, the Yankees bounce back with a masterful pitching performance by lefthander Andy Petitte. After the Mets’ series victory last year, the Yankees hope to regain their winning ways and start another six-series winning streak.
October 28
The Yankees win game four to knot the series at two games apiece. Steinbrenner rehires fired players and the team looks ahead to game five. Joe Torre tentatively offered a five-year extension on his ten-year contract but selflessly decides to wait until the series is over.
October 29
Game five is a slugfest with each team collecting two dozen hits including five homers each. The Mets take the lead in the top of the ninth but Derek Jeter slams a three-run shot in the bottom half to make the final 15-14 and put the Yankees up a game.
October 31
Back in the friendly confines of Shea Stadium, the Mets throw a Halloween scare into the Yankees with a 10-1 pounding. Led by the five-hit performance of Moises Alou, the Mets tie the series at three games apiece. Steinbrenner renews trade talks and Joe Torre packs his bags just in case.
November 1
Game seven lasts a record-breaking 25 innings when it is finally called at 4 in the morning when both rosters become too depleted. Immediately dubbed "The Greatest Game of All Time", game seven sets records for most runs, most hits, most extra-inning lead changes and most triple plays. Commissioner Bud Selig declares game seven a tie and awards the World Series to both teams. "Hey," says Commissioner Selig. "So long as a New York team wins, who really cares?"
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
"W", The Musical
PLAYBILL March, 2009
Gerald R. Ford Theatre
Under the direction of James Baker and George H. W. Bush
"W" - A musical tragi-comedy in two acts
Based on the Administration of America’s 43rd President
Choreography by the Republican National Committee
Original Broadway Cast Recording by The White House and 8½ Minute Gap Recordings Inc.
Synopsis: "W"
Somewhere between a Shakespearean drama and a Marx Brothers comedy, this new musical tells the story of an accidental president. From the rousing opening number "I Can’t Believe I Won" (reprised in act two) to the mournful final number "Sorry About That", "W" is a nonstop entertainment of miscues, mistakes and malapropisms.
The play opens with the unlikeliest of American presidents - W, an incurious cowboy wannabe hand-picked by the Republican elite to run in 2000. In a surprising turnaround, W, with the help of the right wing of the Supreme Court, snatches victory from the jaws of a half-million vote defeat and sends the former Vice President, Sore Loser, packing back to his home in Tennessee.
Nine months of mediocrity explodes into unprecedented popularity for W when the terrorists attack and fell the twin towers. W pursues the enemy in Afghanistan but then mysteriously takes a wrong turn and invades Iraq. All seems forgiven with the big aircraft carrier showstopper "Mission Accomplished" until the conquered country descends into predictable chaos.
Act two opens with W reprising the song "I Can’t Believe I Won." Despite his bumbling incompetent ways, he manages to "swift boat" his dull Democratic opponent Lurch and magically transform a narrow victory into a giant pot of political capital to spend.
Despite winning reelection, W finds things going from bad to worse as his pals mishandle everything from Katrina to Iraq to social security reform. Even with his bunker-bound buddy Darth Vader admitting no mistakes and taking every prisoner, W can’t avoid becoming America’s worst two-term president of all time and possibly the worst president since Millard Fillmore. Little surprise that the show ends with a brief soliloquy followed by the mournful apologetic cast song "Sorry About That."
Cast (in order of appearance)
W......................................................George W. Bush
Sore Loser.......................................Al Gore
Majority Members of the Supreme Court
Uppity..............................................Clarence Thomas
Pinafore............................................William Rehnquist
Near Right.......................................Anthony Kennedy
Right.................................................Sandra Day O’Connor
Whacko Right..................................Antonin Scalia
Darth Vader.....................................Dick Cheney
Turd Blossom...................................Karl Rove
First Lady..........................................Laura Bush
Wolfy..................................................Paul Wolfowitz
Fall Guy.............................................Colin Powell
Condi..................................................Condoleeza Rice
Brownie..............................................Michael Brown
Scooter................................................I. Lewis Libby
Rummy...............................................Donald Rumsfeld
Lurch...................................................John Kerry
Understudies: Understudies never substitute for listed players unless a specific announcement for the appearance is made at the time of the performance.
Understudy for Dick Cheney - GEORGE W. BUSH; for Donald Rumsfeld - ROBERT GATES; for I. Lewis Libby - DAVID ADDINGTON; for Al Gore - HILLARY CLINTON; for John Kerry - BARACK OBAMA; for William Rehnquist - JOHN ROBERTS; for Colin Powell - CONDOLEEZA RICE.
Scenes and Musical Numbers
ACT ONE Washington, D. C.
Prologue: "I Can’t Believe I Won".........................W and the right wing majority of the Court
Scene 1: "Let’s Help the Rich".............................Darth Vader and Turd Blossom
Scene 2: "Summer on the Ranch"........................W and Laura
Scene 3: "The Towers are Falling - My Poll Number’s Rising..........W
Scene 4: "Let’s Do Iraq"......................................Wolfy, Darth Vader & Turd Blossom
"No, No, No, Maybe".............................Fall Guy
Scene 5: "Mission Accomplished".........................W & Turd Blossom
Scene 6: "What Went Wrong?"...............................Wolfy, Rummy and Turd Blossom
"Blue Skies"..............................................Darth Vader
ACT TWO Somewhere in The White House
Scene 1: "I Can’t Believe I Won" (reprise)..............W & the Swift Boat Veterans
Scene 2: "Spending My Political Capital".................W & Darth Vader
Scene 3: "Between Iraq and a Hard Place".................Rummy & Condi
Scene 4: "A Heckuva Job"...........................................Brownie & W
Scene 5: "All Hail Halliburton"...................................Turd Blossom & Scooter
"We’re in the Money"....................................Darth Vader & friends
Scene 6: "I Don’t Care For Polls".................................W
"Never Admit Your Mistakes".........................Darth Vader
"Shoot First and Ask Questions Later"..............Darth Vader and his lawyer
Scene 7: "Lame Ducks Gotta Fly".....................................W, Darth Vader & Turd Blossom
Scene 8: "Finale: Sorry About That"..................................W followed by Darth Vader, Rummy, Turd Blossom and then the entire cast including the right wing majority of the Supreme Court and the Swift Boat Veterans.
Gerald R. Ford Theatre
Under the direction of James Baker and George H. W. Bush
"W" - A musical tragi-comedy in two acts
Based on the Administration of America’s 43rd President
Choreography by the Republican National Committee
Original Broadway Cast Recording by The White House and 8½ Minute Gap Recordings Inc.
Synopsis: "W"
Somewhere between a Shakespearean drama and a Marx Brothers comedy, this new musical tells the story of an accidental president. From the rousing opening number "I Can’t Believe I Won" (reprised in act two) to the mournful final number "Sorry About That", "W" is a nonstop entertainment of miscues, mistakes and malapropisms.
The play opens with the unlikeliest of American presidents - W, an incurious cowboy wannabe hand-picked by the Republican elite to run in 2000. In a surprising turnaround, W, with the help of the right wing of the Supreme Court, snatches victory from the jaws of a half-million vote defeat and sends the former Vice President, Sore Loser, packing back to his home in Tennessee.
Nine months of mediocrity explodes into unprecedented popularity for W when the terrorists attack and fell the twin towers. W pursues the enemy in Afghanistan but then mysteriously takes a wrong turn and invades Iraq. All seems forgiven with the big aircraft carrier showstopper "Mission Accomplished" until the conquered country descends into predictable chaos.
Act two opens with W reprising the song "I Can’t Believe I Won." Despite his bumbling incompetent ways, he manages to "swift boat" his dull Democratic opponent Lurch and magically transform a narrow victory into a giant pot of political capital to spend.
Despite winning reelection, W finds things going from bad to worse as his pals mishandle everything from Katrina to Iraq to social security reform. Even with his bunker-bound buddy Darth Vader admitting no mistakes and taking every prisoner, W can’t avoid becoming America’s worst two-term president of all time and possibly the worst president since Millard Fillmore. Little surprise that the show ends with a brief soliloquy followed by the mournful apologetic cast song "Sorry About That."
Cast (in order of appearance)
W......................................................George W. Bush
Sore Loser.......................................Al Gore
Majority Members of the Supreme Court
Uppity..............................................Clarence Thomas
Pinafore............................................William Rehnquist
Near Right.......................................Anthony Kennedy
Right.................................................Sandra Day O’Connor
Whacko Right..................................Antonin Scalia
Darth Vader.....................................Dick Cheney
Turd Blossom...................................Karl Rove
First Lady..........................................Laura Bush
Wolfy..................................................Paul Wolfowitz
Fall Guy.............................................Colin Powell
Condi..................................................Condoleeza Rice
Brownie..............................................Michael Brown
Scooter................................................I. Lewis Libby
Rummy...............................................Donald Rumsfeld
Lurch...................................................John Kerry
Understudies: Understudies never substitute for listed players unless a specific announcement for the appearance is made at the time of the performance.
Understudy for Dick Cheney - GEORGE W. BUSH; for Donald Rumsfeld - ROBERT GATES; for I. Lewis Libby - DAVID ADDINGTON; for Al Gore - HILLARY CLINTON; for John Kerry - BARACK OBAMA; for William Rehnquist - JOHN ROBERTS; for Colin Powell - CONDOLEEZA RICE.
Scenes and Musical Numbers
ACT ONE Washington, D. C.
Prologue: "I Can’t Believe I Won".........................W and the right wing majority of the Court
Scene 1: "Let’s Help the Rich".............................Darth Vader and Turd Blossom
Scene 2: "Summer on the Ranch"........................W and Laura
Scene 3: "The Towers are Falling - My Poll Number’s Rising..........W
Scene 4: "Let’s Do Iraq"......................................Wolfy, Darth Vader & Turd Blossom
"No, No, No, Maybe".............................Fall Guy
Scene 5: "Mission Accomplished".........................W & Turd Blossom
Scene 6: "What Went Wrong?"...............................Wolfy, Rummy and Turd Blossom
"Blue Skies"..............................................Darth Vader
ACT TWO Somewhere in The White House
Scene 1: "I Can’t Believe I Won" (reprise)..............W & the Swift Boat Veterans
Scene 2: "Spending My Political Capital".................W & Darth Vader
Scene 3: "Between Iraq and a Hard Place".................Rummy & Condi
Scene 4: "A Heckuva Job"...........................................Brownie & W
Scene 5: "All Hail Halliburton"...................................Turd Blossom & Scooter
"We’re in the Money"....................................Darth Vader & friends
Scene 6: "I Don’t Care For Polls".................................W
"Never Admit Your Mistakes".........................Darth Vader
"Shoot First and Ask Questions Later"..............Darth Vader and his lawyer
Scene 7: "Lame Ducks Gotta Fly".....................................W, Darth Vader & Turd Blossom
Scene 8: "Finale: Sorry About That"..................................W followed by Darth Vader, Rummy, Turd Blossom and then the entire cast including the right wing majority of the Supreme Court and the Swift Boat Veterans.
Friday, October 05, 2007
The Yeshiva in Yellowknife
Last winter’s surprise hit sitcom “Little Mosque on the Prairie” launched its new season this week. Not content to rest on its laurels, however, the CBC has reportedly been hard at work developing other shows with distinctly Canadian multicultural themes. Shows like:
Le Coin du Petrol
Looking to piggyback on the success of CTV’s hit show “Corner Gas”, this new CBC sitcom is set in the semi-fictional rural Québec town of Riviere du Chien that just got its first third world immigrant. Laugh along with the townsfolk each week as they try to find new ways to torment their newest resident. From publishing a list of local standards to burning a cross on the newcomer’s lawn to putting sugar in his gas tank, the hilarity never ends --- unless he finally decides to leave town.
Back Door Challenge
A new CBC quiz show features a panel of distinguished experts trying to guess the occupations of various Canadian landed immigrants. Watch as the puzzled panellists struggle to determine what low-paying tasks that week’s highly-educated guests are actually performing. Whether it’s the taxi-driving doctor or the street-sweeping engineer, the laughs are nonstop as the experts repeatedly misidentify the contestants’ new Canadian jobs.
Urbanland Who’s Who
The CBC has decided to update its old popular sixty-second wildlife spots with a modern twist. Now viewers will be provided with the identifying traits and characteristics of Canada’s newest inhabitants from the turban-crested Mountie to the burka-clad swimmer. One segment centers on the habits of that old Canadian wildlife favorite: the pandering politician.
The Yeshiva in Yellowknife
What happens when a group of Jewish rabbis decides to open a yeshiva in the capital of the Northwest Territories? Hilarity and tons of laughs, that’s what, in this new CBC sitcom. Still working on accommodating their native population, the citizens of Yellowknife now also have to try to “keep it kosher.” Talmud-type tensions flare up only to have them parsed by the seminary’s rabbinate including a helpful suggestion in a future episode to come together for a Christmas production of “Fiddler on the Roof.”
Cricket Night in Canada
Saturday night is traditionally hockey night in Canada. Looking to appeal to a more multicultural citizenry, the CBC is planning to make Friday night “Cricket Night in Canada.” Broadcasting from the more than half a dozen cricket pitches scattered across the land, the People’s Network is looking to strike it rich with another low-budget, high-revenue sporting event. The hope is to not only attract first generation ethnic viewers from cricket-loving lands but to also finally educate native-born Canadians on how the damned game is actually played.
Le Coin du Petrol
Looking to piggyback on the success of CTV’s hit show “Corner Gas”, this new CBC sitcom is set in the semi-fictional rural Québec town of Riviere du Chien that just got its first third world immigrant. Laugh along with the townsfolk each week as they try to find new ways to torment their newest resident. From publishing a list of local standards to burning a cross on the newcomer’s lawn to putting sugar in his gas tank, the hilarity never ends --- unless he finally decides to leave town.
Back Door Challenge
A new CBC quiz show features a panel of distinguished experts trying to guess the occupations of various Canadian landed immigrants. Watch as the puzzled panellists struggle to determine what low-paying tasks that week’s highly-educated guests are actually performing. Whether it’s the taxi-driving doctor or the street-sweeping engineer, the laughs are nonstop as the experts repeatedly misidentify the contestants’ new Canadian jobs.
Urbanland Who’s Who
The CBC has decided to update its old popular sixty-second wildlife spots with a modern twist. Now viewers will be provided with the identifying traits and characteristics of Canada’s newest inhabitants from the turban-crested Mountie to the burka-clad swimmer. One segment centers on the habits of that old Canadian wildlife favorite: the pandering politician.
The Yeshiva in Yellowknife
What happens when a group of Jewish rabbis decides to open a yeshiva in the capital of the Northwest Territories? Hilarity and tons of laughs, that’s what, in this new CBC sitcom. Still working on accommodating their native population, the citizens of Yellowknife now also have to try to “keep it kosher.” Talmud-type tensions flare up only to have them parsed by the seminary’s rabbinate including a helpful suggestion in a future episode to come together for a Christmas production of “Fiddler on the Roof.”
Cricket Night in Canada
Saturday night is traditionally hockey night in Canada. Looking to appeal to a more multicultural citizenry, the CBC is planning to make Friday night “Cricket Night in Canada.” Broadcasting from the more than half a dozen cricket pitches scattered across the land, the People’s Network is looking to strike it rich with another low-budget, high-revenue sporting event. The hope is to not only attract first generation ethnic viewers from cricket-loving lands but to also finally educate native-born Canadians on how the damned game is actually played.
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