Former Senator George Mitchell has released his report and the results are devastating. Dozens of baseball stars have been named as steroid users. But few people are aware that Mr. Mitchell’s investigation ranged far beyond baseball. Seldom reliable sources have leaked these unpublished excerpts from the Mitchell Report:
George W. Bush
Given his surprise victory in 2000, rumours circulated for years that President Bush was abusing performance-enhancing substances. There is some evidence that he used dimpled and hanging chads to help secure his victory and it has now been proven that, on at least one occasion, he used the very powerful right wing of the Supreme Court. If there was any doubt about Mr. Bush’s abuse of performance drugs, such doubt was completely erased by his unexpected 2004 reelection. Apparently large doses of post-9/11 fear and dirty campaign tricks helped the President perform way beyond his natural abilities. Sadly, as is the case with many users, the effects of such drug abuse have been felt far beyond his immediate family, some say
all the way to Iraq.
For years, keen observers wondered how the Vice President could function at such a high level considering his heart problems. Now it turns out that he was using a whole range of uncontrolled substances to keep himself going. Mr. Cheney ingested all kinds of powerful and hallucinatory drugs like WMDs, Osama ties and Middle East democracy spreaders. Sadly, these substances tend to require bigger doses and then new, even stronger more dangerous drugs. If the Vice President doesn’t get help soon, experts warn he may well start using Iranian-bound nukes.
It wasn’t evident early on that the former First Lady was a user. More recently, however, the telltale signs were there when she exhibited such typical symptoms as flip flopping, aggressiveness and outright denial. It turns out that Ms. Clinton was an eight-year user of something called White House residency, a highly addictive drug that causes severe withdrawal and an almost obsessive desire for more. Usually family members can be counted on to help users kick this nasty habit but, sadly, it appears that her husband Bill is a co-dependent user and abuser.
As a former prosecutor and mayor of New York City, Rudy Giuliani was a hard-nosed politician who alienated almost everyone he encountered. But ever since he started injecting daily doses of the political steroid 9/11, he’s become a changed man. 9/11 is a potent concoction that tends to dramatically alter a user’s personality traits making even the most curmudgeonly person likeable. "From zero to hero" is the expression some users have adopted to describe the powerful transformation this drug can have on them. 9/11 can also apparently make users do uncharacteristic things like seek approval and endorsements from fundamentalist preachers and the NRA.
It may come as a surprise to most Americans that Oprah Winfrey is a substance abuser. Although she professes to be clean, it recently became apparent that she is using. Her drug of choice is something called Obama ‘08, a new potent mix of youth and liberalism that is injected aurally. One dose of Obama is so addictive that it makes some users see a whole new rose-colored America. So far, there is no known cure although an actual electoral victory will likely bring even the highest user back to reality.