Closed Captioned for the Politically Impaired

It’s primary season in the U. S. and potential voters are being deluged with televised debates featuring the various Democratic and Republican candidates. Sadly, many of those voters are political neophytes and don’t know how to interpret the true meaning of the candidates’ statements. But there is a solution. What if televised Presidential debates were close-captioned for the politically impaired?


"My opponent has been in office too long. He’s out of touch with the voters and is beholden to Washington-based interests."
(Tom was able to raise way more money from lobbyists than I was.)

"This is not the time to keep trying the same old things. The same old things simply aren’t working. It’s time for a change."
(I’m the new guy with less experience. Only new guys say it’s time for a change.)

"I’m not a big believer in polls. The only poll that’s worth anything is the one on election day."
(When you’re twenty points down in the latest survey, what else are you going to say?)

"With all due respect, my esteemed colleague is not accurately representing my position on that issue."
(The s.o.b. is lying.)

"Of course we all have the same goal: to defeat the Republicans in November."
(So long as I defeat these guys in February and March.)

"Thank you very much for that interesting question."
(Damn! That’s the one question I didn’t prepare a canned response for.)

"Last year, she was for the war. This year, she’s against the war. Which is it, Senator? You can’t have it both ways."
(Boy, I hope nobody checks my voting record on abortion.)

"I have served in government for 32 years. I’m the only candidate with the experience to lead this great country."
(I’m the only candidate who desperately needs a nap and a hip replacement.)

"I don’t believe my opponent has the moral fortitude to serve as President of the United States of America."
(Dick is sleeping with his secretary.)

"Who would you rather have in the Oval Office? A man who loves spending time with his family and playing football with his kids? Or a candidate who supports the arts and wants to subsidize wine growers in Napa Valley."
(Harry is a gay alcoholic.)

"If you entrust me with this high office, I promise to spend every minute of every day making America better."
(And every other minute making my friends richer.)

"When I see Americans without healthcare, veterans without benefits and homeless people on the streets, I know we can do better."
(And when I see gullible voters, I know I will do better.)

"What makes America great is people like Clarence Riley who started a new widget factory that provides fifty new jobs. Or Lance Jamison who helped start a new seniors’ facility in his hometown. Or Mildred Apple who home schools seven foster children."
(I hope my research team got those names right.)

"I’m not saying my opponent is un-American or unpatriotic or even unqualified. I’m just saying that I can do a better job of protecting America."
(Bob is an unqualified, unpatriotic communist scumbag.)

"I’m not against immigrants. Heck, we’re all either immigrants or descended from immigrants. This country was built by immigrants."
(I’m against immigrants.)

"Like you, I’m tired of the government taking more of my money in taxes."
(Although in my case, fortunately it’s the government of Turks and Caicos.)