Washington's Secret Santa

Christmas is almost here and ‘tis the season for giving and receiving. Here’s what some Washington-based folks have on their secret Santa wish list:

George W. Bush
* a blooming democracy in the Middle East or at least one in the Midwest
* no more threatening memos from Dick Cheney
* a dictionary but not one of those fancy Oxford ones, just one of those easy-to-read ones with the big print and the pictures
* a "Dallas"-like declaration that the last seven years was all just a dream

Hillary Clinton
* one more gigantic Bush screw-up
* a fifty-cent dollar
* a strong, unequivocal position on an issue, any issue
* a Taser-equipped chastity belt for Bill

Rudy Giuliani
* a pre-election terrorist attack on American soil big enough to scare everyone into voting Republican again
* endorsements from the Pope and the devil
* nine ladies dancing and eleven pipers piping

Bill Clinton
* eight more years in The White House, this time with even fewer responsibilities
* a working wife
* the secret combination for the lock on that chastity belt

Mitt Romney
* poll results showing overwhelming voter preference for flip-floppers
* Pope Benedict’s conversion to Mormonism
* longer lasting black spray-on hair shellac
* no last minute verbal gaffes à la papa George’s "brainwashing" quote in 1967

Barack Obama
* a new middle name, anything other than Hussein except maybe bin Laden
* discovery of an American slave ancestor or two
* a big can of anti-estrogen spray

Fred Thompson
* official Ronald Reagan orange hair dye
* more "Law and Order" residuals so we can afford a washroom on the campaign bus
* an implanted defibrillator to keep me awake during debates

John Edwards
* the discovery of some kind of personal minority status not involving sexual orientation
* fewer trial lawyer pals
* a permanent, on-call hair stylist

John McCain
* a renewed public interest in Vietnam POWs
* the missing "X" from the Straight Talk Express
* a shot at being the oldest President in 2012
* fewer comparisons to Harold Stassen

Dennis Kucinich
* a UFO appearance on national, prime time TV
* a new study showing the intellectual superiority of short men
* a hometown other than Cleveland

The American people
* no more wars with four-letter Middle Eastern nations beginning with "I"
* the return of conservative bankers
* payment in Canadian dollars
* no more Clintons in The White House for at least a generation
* no more Bushes in The White House ever