Tuesday, November 06, 2007

Halloween in Iowa

Halloween has passed and most of us have recovered from the wave of pint-sized trick or treaters. Except, of course, for adults in Iowa who had to deal with these scary creatures at their doors:

Rudy the RINO
Rudy is a RINO, a Republican in name only. He claims to be a Republican but he often talks like a Democrat. Except when it comes to fighting crime. Then it’s a never ending litany of "9/11! 9/11! 9/11!" If you weren’t scared before, by the time Rudy the RINO is finished with you, you’ll be begging for a handgun.

The She Clinton
Some Iowans will still remember Halloween visits from a friendly guy named Bill Clinton. So when another Clinton comes calling, they may be in for a big surprise. The She Clinton is no warm and fuzzy "feel your pain" costumed character. A full dose of her scary robotic laugh will send most Iowa voters screaming for the cornfields.

Mitt the Mormon
Here’s a creature few Iowans have ever seen. Mitt the Mormon looks like a Christian but his Jesus actually visited America. If that’s not scary enough for Hawkeye voters, Mitt’s frantic flip-flopping on everything from abortion to gay rights to gun control will have them begging for mercy.

Not Osama
His skin is dark and his name seems Middle Eastern but he sounds so very, very reasonable. He’s African; he’s American. But some say he’s not African-American. How can that be? Is he a terrorist or just a really nice guy from Illinois? Probably the latter but can Iowans take the chance?

Dead Fred
Wow! It’s that guy from that TV show "Law and Order." "Boy, we really like him," say Corn Staters. "But now he’s talking about the issues and he’s really, really boring. We’re starting to lose consciousness. Dead Fred, you’re scaring us!"

Edwards Legalhands
He’s back and he’s as frightening as ever. But he’s just that cute guy with the great looking hair who was here four years ago, you say. He’s so adorable that you just want to let him into your house and give him a big hug. But don’t do it. It turns out that he’s really a trial lawyer in disguise. How scary is that?

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