Canada"s Secret Santa

As Christmas rapidly approaches, I’m feeling a wave of seasonal generosity. With all those folks out there in need, I’d like to help out by being their secret Santa.

I don’t know if it’s too late, but first I’d like to help Brian Mulroney. Our former prime minister is obviously suffering and all because of a measly gift from that troublemaker Karlheinz Schreiber.

As Mr. Mulroney’s secret Santa, I’m willing to take the $300,000 he received from Mr. Schreiber off his hands. No cash; no problem. Right? If necessary, I’ll even pay the income tax.

Now it may be that Mr. Mulroney won’t need my generous offer. After all, the last time he went through this, he came away with $2.1 million. Maybe he’s thinking there’s more where that came from.

But if he’s having any doubts, I’m here for him. Taking $300,000 is not much of a hardship for me. And if it can help to restore Mr. Mulroney’s sterling reputation, I’m more than happy to help.

Next, I’d like to do what I can for poor Stephen Harper. Here’s a man who was riding high and running a very successful, one-man show. But then he made a rookie mistake and decided to do the "right" thing and call a public inquiry.

As former prime minister Jean Chretien says: "Inquiries are not the best way to solve problems." In fact, they generally do nothing but cause headaches for the person who calls them. Just ask Paul Martin.

I’m guessing that by now Stephen Harper is regretting his decision and wishing for a way out. I think I, as his new secret Santa, can provide that way out.

I’m sure that Dr. David Johnston is a fine choice to head up the Airbust inquiry, assuming that you actually want to get at the truth. But in politics, getting at the truth creates a lot of collateral damage and plenty of victims along the way.

That’s where I come in. Since I am not burdened with a spotless reputation or a sense of public duty, I’d be a perfect candidate to replace Dr. Johnson.

Within days, I’m sure that I can find a technicality or two to bring the entire inquiry to a screaming halt. And if that doesn’t work, I’ll be happy to resign midway through thereby torpedoing the whole thing and getting Stephen off the hook. Of course, I’d still get my $1,400 per diem payments until it’s over. A definite win-win situation.

As for Stéphane Dion, I don’t think there’s much I can do. Stephen Harper just handed him the best Christmas gift ever, an inquiry that’s sure to keep on giving long after the Christmas season is over. Yet, even with that ribbon-wrapped present, he can’t get any traction. The best I can do for him is a Senate appointment and an offer to serve as interim Liberal leader until such time as Michael Ignatieff and Bob Rae destroy each other.

Finally, I have a little something for my fellow Canadians who are holding U.S. dollars. Give them all to me in exchange for Canadian dollars at par and be done with your currency headaches. In two years the Canadian dollar will probably be worth $1.50 US and you’ll be laughing all the way to the bank. No need to thank me. That’s just what we secret Santas do.