On Beyond Oprah

As the presidential primary races heat up, the candidates are engaging in a battle of high profile endorsements. The latest winner is Barack Obama who garnered the full, active support of Oprah Winfrey. In order to keep pace, the remaining contenders have reportedly signed on some big names, too.

Rudy Giuliani
Not to be outdone, Rudy Giuliani has managed to obtain one of the highest placed endorsements available: himself. "Yes," said the former mayor. "I’m the guy who saved New York City after 9/11 and I think — heck, I know — that I’m the best man for the job." With the full support of one of America’s most famous heros, Mr. Giuliani is hoping his campaign will get a much needed boost and surpass his current survey numbers. "I’m sure my own self-support should be good for at least a 9 or 11-point bump in the polls."

Hillary Clinton
For most of the campaign, it appeared that the support of her husband Bill was all Hillary Clinton needed to win. But now with Oprah’s entry into the race, she has sought and obtained bigger endorsements. Most surprising of the lot is the one from George W. Bush. "I wholeheartedly endorse Senator Clinton for the Democratic nomination," said Mr. Bush. "After all, she’s our best chance for victory in November."

Mitt Romney
Since his "Faith in America" speech didn’t translate into increased support among evangelical voters, Mitt Romney is looking elsewhere to defuse the issue of his religion. It appears that he may have found the answer with his, or anybody’s, highest endorsement to date: Pope Benedict XVI. "Let’s face it," said the former Massachusetts governor. "I’m getting nowhere with those born-again folks so I might as well go for the whole enchilada." Although the Pope was apparently somewhat reticent about supporting a Mormon, he figured it was better than signing on with "one of those heathen Democrats."

John Edwards
So far, John Edwards has had little success in attaining high profile support but it’s not for lack of opportunities. Democrats from Jimmy Carter to John Kerry to Al Gore have offered their support. However, since Mr. Edwards still hopes to win the nomination, he graciously declined the three offers.

John McCain
Often criticized for being too old to run for President, John McCain has found the boost he needs with endorsements from young celebrities. Everyone from Lindsay Lohan to Paris Hilton has climbed aboard the Straight Talk Express to give the Arizona senator instant credibility with the younger generation. "Look," said McCain. "If all it takes is to stock my bus with the booze and pills today’s kids like, I think the payoff is more than worth it." When asked what she likes best about her new favorite candidate, Britney Spears said: "His bus is a 24/7 party and I don’t have to drive!"

Fred Thompson
As another candidate suffering under the "too old" label, Fred Thompson desperately needed an injection of non-artificial "hip" into his candidacy. And it appears that he got it with a celebrity endorsement trifecta. The Thompson campaign recognized the importance of getting support from celebrities, like Oprah, who are so famous that they are known by a single name. As of today, the former senator from Tennessee reportedly has the backing of Sting, Bono and Cher and he’s still hoping to get Madonna, Prince and Pink to sign on. "I don’t know who the heck these people are," said Thompson. "But they tell me that they’re real famous and that’s good enough for me. I just wish Elvis and Liberace were still alive."

Dennis Kucinich
Perennial candidate Dennis Kucinich continues to lag behind the frontrunners particularly after his admission of a UFO sighting. But now that incident may actually work in his favor with the announcement of endorsements from Thorak of Theta V and Meesop from Remulon. "Now if I could only get the nod from Tom Cruise and Shirley Maclaine," said the diminutive Democrat. "I’d have a lock on the entire nutbar constituency."