Tuesday, November 27, 2007

American Illegals

Well, fellow Canadians, it’s finally happened. Our dollar is now worth more than the American greenback and it’s continuing to go up. But beware; there’s a cloud covering this silver lining.

Because the U. S. buck has tanked, we can expect an influx of illegal immigrants from our southern neighbor. With a currency soon to be worthless and an economy in hock to the Chinese, it’s no surprise that Americans are going to head north seeking any employment they can get.

Listen, I’ve got nothing against these folks. Some of my best friends are Americans. But if they’re going to come into this country illegally to take away jobs that some Canadians might eventually want to consider filling some day, something has to be done.

We have to secure our southern boundary now. For years, Americans have very cleverly been referring to it as the world’s longest undefended border. But they were just lulling us into a false sense of security, all the time knowing that the day would come when that unprotected border would be their ticket to a better life in Canada.

Maybe some of you think that this is not yet a serious problem. Well, take a look around you. Can you tell if your neighbor is an American? How about that taxi driver? Do you know where he’s from?

If we don’t act now, we will be inundated with illegal Americans. And you know where that will lead. Before long, we’ll have no more maple syrup or Canadian bacon. The next thing you know, they’ll be using our schools and our healthcare. And then they’ll bastardize our cherished Canadian football by having four downs instead of three and using a puny, 100-yard field.

Although our customs and immigration officials will do their best to stem the tide of "Yanks" at the border, Americans are notoriously clever and some will almost certainly make it in. All citizens are therefore asked to be on special alert for illegal aliens and to do their part to stop this army of invaders.

But be careful; Americans often look and sound very much like Canadians. And many are clever enough to adopt Canadianisms like "eh?", "zed" and pronouncing schedule as "shed-yule."

The following additional guidelines may be helpful in identifying the American illegals in our midst:

If it’s summer, be suspicious of anyone still wearing a parka. If in doubt, ask them to spell "tuque."
Light up a joint in front of the suspect. If he says "Hey, that’s illegal" and goes for his handgun, you’ve likely nabbed an American. Don’t forget to duck.
You can try asking if he knows the name of the current Prime Minister. However, this question is somewhat unreliable as approximately 30% of legitimate Canadians do not know the correct answer (hint: this month, it’s Stephen Harper).
If you say "How about a coffee and a doughnut?" and they say "Sure, let’s go to Krispy Kreme", you’re probably talking to an American. If they’re clever enough to choose Tim Hortons, ask which NHL teams he played for.
Steer the topic of conversation to prescription pharmaceuticals and ask how much the person pays for Viagra or Zoloft or Paxil. If it’s 30% more than you pay, you’re likely dealing with an American.
Mention that you’ll be attending the upcoming wedding of your cousin Fred and his fiancé Bob. If the suspect looks surprised, he may be an American. Be careful, though, since some Massachusetts and Vermont residents may appear nonplussed by such talk.

If we all do our part, we can secure our border and stop this dreaded invasion. We did it in 1775 and 1812 and we can do it again. Because if we don’t, the next thing they’ll want is amnesty or maybe even a driver’s license.

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