Saturday, December 22, 2018

Letters To Santa

    It’s December and that means boys and girls everywhere are writing to Santa to let him know what they want for Christmas:
     Ho! Ho! Ho! It’s Santa Claus here and I’ve got bags of mail from children all over the world including some special letters from those living in Washington, D. C.
     One little boy named Donnie T. seems to be really interested in construction toys. He asked for a wall and wants Mexico to pay for it. He also wants that new toy called Space Force and a new Attorney-General who can pull the plug on any nasty enquiries. Unlike most kids, Donnie says he wouldn’t even mind a little coal in his stocking.
     A little girl named Melania T., who has the same address as Donnie T., asks me to keep her Christmas gift requests confidential. She’d like some blood red Christmas trees but number one on her list is a special Ken voodoo doll with an orange face, a blond wig and some extra-long needles.
     Mikey P. also lives in Washington, apparently very near Donnie and Melania. Unlike Donnie, however, Mikey is not hoping for a new Attorney-General. What he’d like instead are some new drapes and furniture for something he calls the Oval Office.
     Joey B. says he’s originally from Delaware but has worked in Washington for many years. What he’d really like is a new white house centrally located in D. C. that he can call his own. To get that house, Joey says he also needs some anti-aging cream, a bit of plastic surgery and a whole lot of luck.
     Bernie S. hails from Vermont but, like Joey B., he’d like a shot at that centrally-located white house in Washington as well. Bernie says he also wouldn’t mind the anti-aging cream, some plastic surgery and maybe a new haircut.
     Bobby M. is writing to me for the first time and says that he has never asked Santa for anything before but this year he really, really, really needs a few more months to finish up his collusion report. Bobby M. added a P. S. to his letter asking for a couple more cooperating witnesses and a big batch of blank subpoena forms.
     Ivanka T. says she’s a little uncomfortable writing to Santa since, strictly speaking, she’s Jewish. However, she says she used to be a shiksa and therefore feels that I still owe her a wish or two from past Christmases. Anyway, all Ivanka wants is a new hubby if hers should somehow end up in prison in the coming year.
     Hillary C. apparently lives in two houses but she’s not happy with the one she has in Washington. She’d really like to move into the big centrally-located white one everybody’s talking about but in order to do that, she needs Santa to give her a do-over for 2016 and maybe a ball gag for her husband.
     Billy C. seems to be related to Hillary C. and apparently used to live in that big white house, too, but has some bad memories related to it and would rather not move back in. What Billy really wants from Santa is a giant can of “Image Polisher” and a big bottle of “Brain Washer” to make people forget about what he did when he lived in that white house.   
     Vladi P. doesn’t live in Washington but seems to have a lot of friends in the city. Vladi writes me to say that he’s really happy with the Kollusion Kit® I gave him a few years ago so he doesn’t really need a new one. What he’d really like instead is a resignation letter from Bobby M. and another chance to play with his kit in 2020.  

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