Trump
Hairstylists and Weavers
If you’ve got an elaborate head of hair
that requires the best in styling and interweaving, Trump Hairstylists is the
place for you. Experts in comb-overs and hair weaving for more than forty
years, we can turn your bald spot and rat’s nest of hair into a dazzling
hirsute crown. We also specialize in hair growth medications and tonics like Rogaine
and Propecia which we will administer in strict confidence so that even your
doctor won’t know. Drop in within the next ten days for a hair styling or
weaving and we’ll include absolutely free a skin-bronzing treatment in one of
our amazing new fall colors: Harvest Orange, Pumpkin Puree or Corn Cob Gold.
Trump
Legal Services
Instead of searching far and wide for
legal services, now you can come on down to Trump Shopping Plaza and find the
right lawyer for you. Drop in and we’ll quickly assess your needs and pair you
up with just the right attorney. Whether you’re dealing with a tricky conflict
of interest situation, a questionable offshore financial transaction or a
complicated personal non-disclosure agreement, we’ve got you covered. We even
have aging politicos on staff specializing in spin and dissembling who can
confuse just about any fake news practitioner.
Trump
Electronics
This is the place for all your electronic
goods shopping. You name it; we’ve got it. From high-speed, high-volume paper
shredders to the latest in sophisticated listening and recording devices, Trump
Electronics is your one-stop location for today’s self-protecting electronic
gizmos. We’ve even got outdated, non-secure smart phones if that’s your
preference although we strongly advise against using them. Plus, if you act now
and spend $200 or more, we’ll provide you with a $100 discount at Trump Legal Services
to ensure you know the law in your jurisdiction regarding the recording of your
conversations by others.
Trump
Laundromat
Whether you’ve got bedding, clothes or
questionable currency to clean, come on down to Trump Laundromat where we’ll
take care of all of your laundering needs. We can help launder your dirty
sheets, underwear or foreign bills and instantly turn them into shiny new
bedding, skivvies or currency in no time. For your convenience, our
coin-operated machines accept various denominations including quarters and
Russian rubles. You can do your own laundering or, if you don’t have time,
leave everything with us and we’ll clean up your clothes and cash with our
famous same-day service.
The
Bank of Trump
Let’s face it; not every bank is capable
of dealing with your unique financial needs. But we here at the Bank of Trump
are sensitive to your peculiar business arrangements and can help you achieve
the kind of financing that other banks legally can’t provide. Whether you need
to temporarily hide some of your money offshore or you just need some extra
cash to stay solvent, we’re there for you. Most importantly, we’re the bank
that can loan you lots and lots of money even when so-called traditional banks won’t.
With branch offices around the world including in Moscow and St. Petersburg, we
can find you enough cash to underwrite whatever shaky venture you have in mind.
Trump
Election Services
Running for elected office but unsure
where to start? Looking to unseat a Congressional incumbent but afraid you just
don’t have the votes? Then make Trump Election Services the first stop on your
voyage to electoral success. We can help you dip into huge pools of anonymously-donated
election funds to help swamp your opponent with negative ads. We’re also
experts in gerrymandering and voter suppression to ensure you get at least a
plurality of votes in your chosen district. And for those who need a little
help from manipulated social media, we have some eastern-based operatives who
will be glad to help you out for no cost at all.
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