Presidential Alert System Warnings

     FEMA recently tested its Presidential Alert system which is designed to transmit warnings to cell phone users across the country. Although the system is primarily designed to warn of natural disasters, missile attacks and acts of terrorism, apparently it will also issue actual presidential alerts such as the following:

*    Beware! The President will be attending a campaign rally event in your area tonight. Be prepared for blustery rants, abundant non sequiturs and outright condemnations of reporters, foreigners and Democrats.

*     Alert! The New York Times is releasing an in-depth report on the President’s finances. Those in the Washington, D. C. area should take immediate cover due to a likely onslaught of presidential fake news accusations.

*     Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders and/or Barack Obama will be releasing a new book containing criticisms of Donald Trump. Citizens can expect a severe nationwide presidential Twitterstorm over the next 24 hours.

*     Attention! Attention! A hurricane is tracking toward your region of the country. Look for frequent but questionable presidential assurances of relief and support. (Not available in Puerto Rico or in certain blue states)

*       Be prepared for a severe outage of logical thought and proper grammatical usage as the President plans to go off script in delivering a speech tonight.

*     A severe warning to women everywhere since the President plans to comment on the issues of sexual harassment and assault.

*    Groups of Republican supporters are meeting in your region. Be ready for gross exaggerations of crowd enthusiasm and crowd size emanating from the White House.

*     Be on the lookout for an increase in presidential whoppers and mockeries followed by a sharp rise in dissembling and pivoting by Kellyanne Conway and Sarah Huckabee Sanders.

*      Presidential tax cuts have been spotted on the horizon. Hold on tightly to your wallet unless you are a member of the one percent.

*     Amber Alert! The First Lady is missing. If you happen to spot her, she requests that you not inform the President of her whereabouts.

*     Watch for influx of presidential assertions like “Many people are saying” and “Believe me.” Resultant increased falsehood count almost guaranteed.

*     Health alert issued for an aging Supreme Court justice. Expect a presidential flurry of potential far right nominee replacements.

*     Possible Democratic presidential landslide on November 3, 2020. Look for subsequent dismantling of Presidential Alert system.