Donald The Anonymous

MEMORANDUM                                          EXTRA SUPER TOP SECRET

TO:        My buddy Vlad

FROM:  Donnie J.

RE:        That N. Y. Times Op-Ed

     I gotta hand it to you, Vlad. I had my doubts about this plan but, like you said: “It will work like charm.”

     The failing New York Times was suckered again. I don’t know who they think they were dealing with in publishing that essay but it’s clear they had no idea it was one of your guys. Well done, Vlad.

     The sentence structure, grammar, word choice and syntax were brilliant. No one’s ever going to suspect that I was behind this op-ed because they’d never believe that I could write so well. Hell, I’d never believe I could write that well and, in fact, I can’t. But whoever you enlisted to draft it clearly did a fantastic job.

     So the fake news and all those stupid liberals are predictably going nuts over this. They’re calling for an investigation into what’s going on in the White House and calling for my head on a platter.

     What they don’t realize, of course, is that they’re playing right into my perfectly normal-sized hands. We’ll let them get even more riled up, Vlad, before we drop the other larger-than-normal shoe.

     Before that happens though, I gotta say I’m loving all the squirming and twisting by everyone in my Cabinet. People are saying that only some bright guy like Kelly or Mattis could have written something that coherent. It’s fun to watch those two look over their shoulder when making their denials of authorship.

     Of course no one’s claiming some clown like Ben Carson or Betsy deVos could have written the op-ed. Hell, those two can barely write their name.

     And I know I shouldn’t take pleasure in it but it’s even fun to watch members of my own family sweat. Room-temperature-IQ Eric isn’t worried since he’s not bright enough to know that he should be worried. But Don, Jr. and Ivanka are sweating bullets since they both know how to string a few nice sounding sentences together.

     This all kind of reminds me of that clever old geezer Ronald Reagan. Everyone thought he was a useful idiot but little did they know that he just played the part. Behind that clown-like facade was a brilliant tactician who managed to avoid any responsibility for Iran-Contra by repeatedly saying he couldn’t remember or “I don’t recall.”

     Well, I’m going to ride that same train to Crazytown right into a second term in office if everything plays out like you say, Vlad. Once the Democrats have gotten themselves so riled up they’re foaming at the mouth, we’ll convene an investigation to determine who wrote the op-ed.

     And guess who the investigation will find guilty? Hey, why am I asking you since you already know? That’s right: Jeff Sessions.

     What a clever move, Vlad. Like you always say: “One stone kill two birds.” I get to look presidential by convening and conducting a thorough investigation and, at the same time, I can dump that weenie Sessions. After that, it won’t take long to get rid of Mueller.

     Things are looking good for the midterms. Thanks to you helping those socialists win their Democratic primaries, I think we’ll be able to hang on to our majority in the House and then it’ll be clear sailing to a second term in 2020.

     Thanks again, Vlad. There’ll be a few extra rubles for your efforts in next month’s pay packet.