Position: Chief Executive Officer, Washington, D. C.
The Republican Party is urgently looking for a new CEO to head up the nation’s executive branch. The successful candidate must be at least 35 years old and a natural born citizen. Preference will be given to those individuals who already live in or near the Washington, D. C. area and are thus able to assume the job as soon as possible.
The nation’s CEO is responsible for the entire executive branch of the federal government. He will carefully formulate detailed policy initiatives to be presented to the legislative branch for possible passage into law. The CEO works closely with the other branches to ensure the smooth and efficient functioning of all aspects of the government. He will coordinate with elected officials at the state and local levels to implement domestic policy. At the same time, he will liaise with foreign national leaders to ensure smooth international trade arrangements and peaceful foreign relations.
The position of the nation’s top executive requires an individual skilled in legislative implementation, policy formulation and international diplomacy. The successful candidate will be someone with highly developed written and verbal skills, keen discretion and an ability to think before speaking. Preferably, he will have extensive experience in one or more elected positions or, at a minimum, ten or more years in a high level military position.
Ideally, the new CEO will be a lifelong member of the Republican Party and willing and able to listen to the views of Congressional members of his party. He will know the difference between true and false and will be skilled in the diplomatic arts such that he will not alienate the nation’s allies and will not give aid and comfort to its enemies. It is of utmost importance that he not be beholden to any foreign power or be smitten with autocrats and oligarchs of any kind.
The CEO position includes significant health and dental benefits. The incumbent is also entitled to Secret Service protection and has diplomatic immunity. He will be provided with free transportation within and beyond the Washington area although it is preferred that he not use such transportation to travel to his own properties.
Housing is provided. The successful candidate will live rent-free in one of Washington’s premier residences for anywhere from two to six years. Thus, there should be no need to spend money traveling to other residences except for his nearby country retreat at Camp David.
The salary is $400,000 per year with a $50,000 non-taxable expense account. There is a post-employment annual pension of $207,800. Although there are no stock options or bonuses, upon retirement, the CEO will be able to set up his own library in the location of his choice.
Any interested candidate should submit his CV together with at least three letters of reference from non-family members attesting to his honesty, integrity and intelligence. A detailed listing of skills should be provided including technical and computer skills. However, it is preferred that no candidate should have any involvement with social media in general and Twitter in particular.
The successful candidate should be available immediately subject to a potential minor Constitutional impediment in the 25th Amendment and in the Presidential Succession Act. For the sake of the nation and the Republican Party, the employer anticipates the cooperation of anyone in the CEO line of succession to step aside and make way for the winner of this competition.
The Republican Party requests that all applications be made and kept in confidence and, in particular, that no applicant inform the current CEO of this competition.