It’s almost Halloween and that means children everywhere will be scouting nearby neighborhoods for the best homes to visit for treats. As a public service for kids living in the Washington, D. C. area, here’s a list of the best addresses for trick-or-treating and those to avoid:
Bob Mueller’s house
Mr. Mueller will answer the door but will neither confirm nor deny that he has any tricks up his sleeve. However, rumor has it that he will be handing out goodies in the form of Russian nesting dolls and criminal subpoenas.
Rod Rosenstein’s house
Deputy Attorney-General Rosenstein is a very busy man. So don’t expect many treats at his residence. In fact, Mr. Rosenstein may not even be home or, if he is, he will likely be hiding in the basement with the lights out and not answering the phone especially any calls from White House numbers.
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Leaked reports suggest that the resident/president will be handling front door duties himself this year with a seasonal pumpkin-orange face and corn-silk woven yellow hair. Those reports also warn that the only treats to be given will be autographed copies of The Art of the Deal and tax cuts to children of the one percent. As in past years, the President will not be handing out any of his tax returns.
Number One Observatory Circle
This is the home of Mike Pence who, along with his wife “Mother”, will be distributing delicious candy treats. Although the Vice President denies it, last year he reportedly wrapped each treat bag in a copy of the 25th Amendment.
Democratic National Committee
Best to give this place a pass since the residents can’t seem to get their act together. Rather than decorate the front door and pass out treats, they tend to spend all their time navel gazing and arguing over who’s going to run in 2020.
Brett Kavanaugh’s house
Brett will not, repeat not, be having a Halloween kegger at his house this year. If anyone says otherwise, he’ll deny it and refer doubters to the daily calendar app on his iPhone.
Bernie Sanders’s house
With his wispy white hair and disheveled clothing, he looks harmless enough. But this part New York City Jew, part Vermont senator, part democratic socialist is really a scary Frankenstein creation who wants to give your kids free healthcare and free tuition.
Ted Cruz’s house
He’s a strange bird - Canadian-born, Texas-raised and Tea Party-funded - and the only senator up for re-election with two right wings. It should be easy pickings for kids visiting the Cruz household since he has already given up his self-respect seeking the support of President Trump in his attempt to defeat newcomer Beto O’Rourke.
Senior Senators Chuck Grassley, Orin Hatch and Richard Shelby will be manning the Senate’s front door but not to hand out Halloween treats. Instead, they will take turns yelling at kids to “Get off my lawn!”
The House of Representatives will be closed on Halloween and will not reopen until after November 6th. It is hoped that it will then be in a better position to make some actual decisions.