Elevatoritis

It’s official. George W. Bush will be President for at least four more years.

Vice President and Master of the Universe Dick Cheney has once again used his Machiavellian skills to continue his understudy’s plutocratic reign. And all it took was four hours in The White House elevator.

Cheney cleverly precipitated the latest financial crisis by shooting one of the Lehman brothers in the face and accusing Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac of incestuously mixing their derivative portfolios. After that, the rest was easy.

As the markets nosedived and the financial sector teetered on the brink of collapse, all President Bush had to do was invite John McCain and Barack Obama to The White House for an urgent conference. Like flies to honey, the two presidential wannabes headed straight to Washington.

Once there, the expected meeting did, in fact, take place. However, in the eyes of most, it was nothing more than a glorified photo op. But the real action occurred after the meeting.

Once Bush adjourned the meeting, Cheney escorted both Obama and McCain out of the room and onto the elevator. What should have been a thirty-second ride turned into a four-hour nightmare for the unsuspecting senators.

"It was horrible," Obama said afterwards from his hospital bed. "He pushed the emergency stop button and he pulled a shotgun on us."

"That’s right," said McCain from the adjoining bed. "I thought he was going to kill us both."

"He just looked at us," said Obama. "And smiled that crazy bent smile of his. I didn’t think we’d make it out alive."

"I’ve never been so scared in my life," said McCain. "And I did five-and-a-half years in a North Vietnamese prison."

Both candidates have withdrawn from the race but neither will give a specific reason. All that either man will say is that his decision was completely voluntary and absolutely, positively had nothing to do with Dick Cheney.

In order to avoid a Constitutional crisis, the Supreme Court has approved a Congressional plan to extend George W. Bush’s presidency another four years.

"I’m not sure that what we did is exactly kosher," said Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg. "But after spending eight hours in a Finnish sauna with the rest of the Court and Dick Cheney, I’d have voted for practically anything."