Electoral Trick or Treaters

Friday night is Halloween and homeowners from coast to coast eagerly await the arrival of precious pint-sized trick or treaters. Except, of course, for adults in various swing states who may have to deal with these scary creatures at their door:

The Hockey Mom
She looks attractive in her $150,000 wardrobe but don’t be fooled. The Hockey Mom is one scary lady. With her lipstick-covered smile, she makes even a pit bull look like a pussycat. The Hockey Mom (also known as The Outsider or The Moose Hunter) can often be spotted trick or treating with Joe Six-Pack and his gang of average Americans.

Not Osama
His skin is dark and his name seems Middle Eastern but he sounds so very, very reasonable. He’s African; he’s American. But some say he’s not African-American. How can that be? Is he a terrorist or just a really nice guy from Illinois? Probably the latter but can voters really take the chance?

The Ancient Maverick
At first, you might think this character is a kindly, old gentleman. But as soon as he starts saying "My friends" over and over and calling himself a maverick, you know you’re in for a real scare. You can try pinning him down but just when you think you’ve got some straight talk, he’ll change his position once again.

Joe the Talker
Don’t be fooled by this pleasant, smooth-talking guy. He’ll ring your doorbell, offer his hand and give you a great, big smile. Seems like a hell of a nice guy. But if you look him in the eye and ask him even one simple question, you’re in for the scariest, non-stop, one-way conversation you’ve ever had. A word to the wise: Don’t ask him if he’s from Scranton.

The She Clinton
Some voters will still remember Halloween visits from a friendly guy named Bill Clinton. So when another Clinton comes calling, they may be in for a shock. The She Clinton is no warm and fuzzy "feel your pain" Halloween character. A full dose of her scary robotic laugh will send most voters screaming for the basement.

The Bushman of D. C.
Most trick or treaters travel in packs but not The Bushman of D. C. With poll numbers that would embarrass even the devil himself, it seems no one wants to go out on Halloween with this guy. The residents of Iraq, New Orleans and Middle America all agree on one thing: The Bushman is all trick and no treat.