Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Spiteful Hillaryites Cut Off Noses

Despite weeks of anguished grief over their candidate’s defeat, most Hillary Clinton supporters have decided to hold their noses and vote for Barack Obama. But a sizable minority still cannot forgive and forget.

"We were treated shabbily by someone," said Clinton fan Lucy Shultz. "I’m not sure who but I think it was a man and therefore I cannot support any men in this campaign."

Nevertheless, some disgruntled Hillaryites intend to support John McCain. Others say they will boycott the election and some want to write in Clinton’s name on their November 4th ballots.

The most extreme faction of unrepentant Clintonians have decided to take the ultimate vindictive action: they will literally cut off their nose to spite their face.

"I thought about just holding my nose and voting for Obama," said longtime Hillary supporter Karen Lace. "But then I realized that the most dramatic show of support would be to actually cut off my nose."

This small legion of uber-Clintonites feel that they must stop at nothing to demonstrate their support for their candidate. It is no longer a question of simply supporting a nominee who has the same views as Hillary. It is now a matter of pride.

"We want to show our dedication to the one true feminist candidate," said Ms. Lace. "And we figure that the best way to do that is to cut off our noses. It will be a sign of respect that will say to people across this patriarchal land ‘we are women, hear us roar’ albeit with a somewhat more nasal sound."

Apparently the more radical Hillary supporters first considered adopting an Amazonian badge of honor by flattening their right breast and carrying a bow and arrow. But that option was eventually discarded in favor of the proboscis-slicing choice.

"Flattening a breast would have been a bold and empowering move," said Ms. Shultz. "But ultimately it might not have been recognized as an obvious sign of Hillary support. With a sliced off nose, there can be no mistake about where we stand and why we did it."

Asked whether they qualify as members of the Hillary-loving faction called PUMAs which stands for "Party Unity, My Ass", Ms. Lace was quick to clarify.

"Yes, we’re PUMAs," said Lace. "We’re just PUMAs without noses."

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