My fellow Americans. I have asked the networks for this special time to explain to you what has happened to our great country over the last few days.
I know that you are concerned. Many of you have seen the giant mushroom clouds and the widespread desolation. Some of you have even seen the onset of nuclear winter. Sadly, the folks in Toledo, Sacramento and Miami didn’t see a thing.
Nuclear war is not pleasant. People get hurt and towns get destroyed. But, rest assured, it’s not the end of the world, at least not yet.
Now certain folks have blamed me for what some are calling a nuclear holocaust. First of all, it doesn’t help to point fingers and call people names. That’s hurtful and unhelpful.
To help dispel all the rumors that are floating around out there, I’m going to set the record straight. Yes, I did push the nuclear button that started this whole thing. But, no, I never intended to send nuclear missiles slamming into the Kremlin.
The fact of the matter is that my wife Cindy is to blame. I had my desk in the Oval Office all neatly arranged with everything in a nice, even row. There was the button to activate the intercom, the button to remind me to take my medications and the button to launch nuclear weapons against Russia.
There wouldn’t have been a problem at all if that makeup-plastering trollop hadn’t insisted on tidying up all the time. Apparently she came into my office while I was having my morning nap and rearranged all my papers. At the same time, she mixed up the buttons.
Worst of all, she knocked my trifocals off the desk and then stepped on them. Instead of telling me, the stupid bitch just kicked the pieces under the desk and left.
The next thing I know, the office door slams, I wake up from an erotic dream about Mae West and I’m completely discombobulated. I automatically reached out to push the intercom button to tell my secretary to get her ass in here and the next thing I know all hell broke loose.
Within minutes, I’ve got Putin on the phone yelling at me about nuclear war and how he’s going to kick my bony old ass. Well, my fellow Americans, at that point I just lost it. Nobody pushes John McCain or the good ole U. S. of A. around.
The rest, as they say, is history, assuming, of course, that we’ll still have any history. But if we do, mark my words, history will show that it was that tramp Cindy who caused this mess.
Good night and may God bless America.