With all the recent allegations of sexual abuse and harassment in the news, you may be wondering if you are also guilty of such offenses. Well now there’s an easy quiz you can take to determine whether or not you are a sexual offender:
Are you a male ____ or a female _____?
If you are a female, then it’s highly unlikely you are a sexual offender. Good news; it’s also highly unlikely you are a pedophile, a mass shooter or a practitioner of genocide. The quiz is basically over for you. Congratulations on your non-harasser status. If you are a male, please proceed to the next question.
Are your initials H. Weinstein, B. O’Reilly, C. Rose, R. Moore or A. Franken?
If you answered “yes” then chances are you are a sexual miscreant although you may just be unfortunate enough to share a surname and first initial with an offender. If in doubt, try a Google search and see if you recognize yourself.
In the context of sexual activity, what does “no” mean?
If you answered “no means no”, skip to the next question. If you answered “yes”, you are a sexual predator. If you answered “maybe”, you’re likely one, too. If you gave a detailed answer explaining the post-feminist implications of saying “no”, you are probably a professor of gender studies at an elite East Coast university.
Do you feel comfortable presenting yourself naked or masturbating in front of non-consenting adults?
If you said “yes”, are you Louis C. K.? If you said “yes” and you are not Louis C. K. then you are probably Harvey Weinstein or Charlie Rose. If you are none of these three individuals and you still said “yes”, you need a lawyer right now. If you said “no”, don’t expect lots of praise simply for complying with the most basic rule of human interaction; simply go on to the next question.
When you see a woman wearing a revealing outfit, do you think that she is “asking for it”?
You said “yes”? Seriously? You know this is the 21st century, right? The only “it” she is asking for is respect and common courtesy which does not include pictures of your genitalia. If you said “no”, congratulations; you still qualify as a basic human being.
Do you objectify women?
“Yes” means you have a proclivity towards sexual misconduct. If you have to ask what “objectify” means, that’s also not a good sign. “No” is a good answer but you’re still not off the hook.
Are you a current or former U. S. president?
If “no”, carry on to the next question. If you said “yes”, did you know that there’s a 50-50 chance you are a sexual offender? Remember, grabbing women by the ass still counts even if you’re in a wheelchair and say that “David Cop-a-feel” is your favorite book. Speaking of books, handing out copies of Leaves of Grass does not excuse sexual harassment even if your wife repeatedly excuses your behavior.
Have you ever said: “You can do anything. You can grab them by the p**sy”?
If “yes”, you might be president of the United States. If so, you are likely a sexual offender but apparently have the power to pardon yourself. If “yes” and you are not the president, you will not have that self-pardoning power. If “no”, that’s hardly a ringing endorsement but you do get a pass for now.
Have you ever touched a woman at work without consent, commented inappropriately on her appearance or intimated workplace advancement in return for sexual favors?
Yes? Well, just because millions before you have done so doesn’t make it right. You are guilty of sexual misconduct.
Have you ever intervened when a male co-worker did one of those things?
If not, technically you’re not a sexual offender but if you did, you not only get a pass; you may actually deserve a gold star.