It’s the holiday season and that means boys and girls everywhere are writing letters to Santa Claus telling him what they want for Christmas. Here are just a few of those letters:
First of all, Santa, I want to thank you bigly for last year’s presents, especially that enormous electoral win and that record-breaking Inaugural crowd. I know it was mostly due to me but I do appreciate your help, however limited.
This year, my Christmas list is a little different. I wish I had written you earlier and let you know that I really wanted a Senate seat in Alabama but it looks like that one will have to wait until 2020.
What I could use, however, is a legislative victory or two. I’m having lots of fun trashing all kinds of regulations but I really need to get something, anything, passed by Congress. I’m thinking possibly a giant tax cut for me and my friends or maybe even a repeal of that horrible Obamacare.
Number one on my wish list this year is to get rid of that Russia investigation. I’m hoping you can get Rod Rosenstein to fire that naughty Bob Mueller or maybe just loosen a lug nut or two on one of his tires.
If any of this is too much, you can always bring me what you’ve brought in years past. Given my electoral promises, I can never get too much coal in my stocking.
I don’t mean to start off by complaining, Santa, but you didn’t bring me everything I asked for last Christmas. I wrote you nice and early in the fall and asked for a popular vote victory and admittedly you did bring me that. However, I thought it went without saying that I also wanted an Electoral College win.
This year, I really, really want to have a do-over or a recount or at least a White House Chatty Cathy doll that would spill the beans on Donald Trump. Or maybe you could leave an incriminating e-mail or two in Bob Mueller’s Christmas stocking.
If nothing else, please tell that annoying Bernie Sanders to shut up. And, if it’s not too much to ask, could you find a job for my husband Bill? I’m really tired of him hanging around the house explaining what I did wrong in last year’s election.
Dorogoy Santa, (translation)
Is time to thank you many, many times, Santa, for last year’s presents. What with all you brought me, there was very little room left under Christmas tree.
Is hard to think what more you could bring me this year but I will try. Maybe you could have Mueller investigation drag on for many more months so my friend Donald will be distracted and I can do whatever I want to.
Again, thank you very much, Santa, especially for last year’s Junior Computer Hacking kit and Trump Collusion board game. I hope to receive continued use and joy from these for many years to come.
Looking back, Santa, I wish I hadn’t been so selfish in my Christmas gift requests last year. If I had it to do over again, I wouldn’t have asked for all those tax cuts and that Mexican Wall. Now that I’ve seen what that Mr. Trump is like, the best thing you can give me this year is something to help me become an informed voter, a newspaper subscription say or maybe just an enquiring mind. I guess that won’t help right away but it might make a big difference come 2018 or 2020.
John Q. Public