Friday, November 17, 2017

CSI: Washington, D. C.

    After four different series including the final spinoff entitled “CSI: Cyber”, some suggested that the CSI franchise had exhausted all possible plot lines. But the following leaked dialogue seems to confirm the existence of a fifth series with the working title “CSI: Washington, D. C.”: 
Det. Smith:  This is definitely an odd crime scene wouldn’t you say Jones? We’ve got an oval office inside an old white house.
Medical Examiner Jones:  Yeah, I’ve never seen anything like it. Let’s cover off this room with yellow police tape. Clearly some major crimes have been committed here.
Smith:  Who are we holding over there?
Jones:  We’ve got a chief of staff named Kelly, a press secretary named Sanders and a young woman named Trump but nobody’s talking. They’re all taking the Fifth.
Smith:  I’m not surprised. Look at this mess. I haven’t seen this many indictable offenses since we investigated that last session over in Congress. Who could have done this?
Jones: The boys at the lab have done some preliminary DNA analysis on a few strands of yellowish hair we found. Looks like an overweight male in his early seventies with a receding hairline and an expanding ego.
Smith:  You thinking what I’m thinking?
Jones:  You bet. Although this looks like a presidential office, everything points to a very unpresidential occupant. The DNA suggests he’s related to that Trump broad.
Smith:  I can’t believe the damage done here. Look at that Obamacare over in the corner. It’s barely functioning. And that Iran deal behind the bookcase? I don’t think it’s going to make it. And the EMTs said they had to do CPR on the battered NAFTA they discovered under the desk.
Jones:  I had my assistant unlock the smartphones we found. There was an unsecured Samsung Galaxy in the wastebasket and a new iPhone on the desk. It’s gonna take a few weeks to investigate all the tweets but at the very least there are hundreds of lies and dozens of possible libelous statements and maybe even a few emails to Russian addresses.
Smith:  Check out the carpet. Have you ever seen so many conflicts of interest in one place? We’re gonna have to call in a forensic auditor or maybe a whole team.
Jones:  The problem is there’s no easy place for them to start. There are so many questionable ties and loose ends and we couldn’t find even a single income tax return.
Smith:  It sure doesn’t look like the work of a president. Seems more like the actions of a failed two-bit New York real estate developer. I wonder what he did with the real president?
Jones:  It’s like he removed every bit of dignity from the office. There’s nothing left but a bunch of Coke cans, a half-empty bottle of ketchup and a red hat with “Make America Great Again” printed on it.
Smith:  God, look at the stuff on the far credenza. What the hell is that? He’s got a whole bunch of lumps of coal and eight prototype-models for a thirty-foot wall with Spanish writing on it.
Jones:  Jesus, Smith, this is an unmitigated disaster. Who could have done this?

Smith:  It’s hard to believe but the lab guys are saying they think it was the American people.

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