Friday, December 29, 2017

Resolutions You Can Keep

    No doubt you’re all caught up in the hustle and bustle of the Christmas season what with present-buying, tree-trimming and eye-gouging. So it’s easy to forget that New Year’s is almost upon us.
     That’s why it’s a good idea to get a jump on that annual celebration and make your plans now including New Year’s resolutions. Remember last year when you resolved to lose weight, quit smoking or stop arguing about politics? If you’re like most folks, that resolution lasted about as long as the Christmas turkey leftovers.
     So spare yourself the shame and disappointment of again failing to stick to your resolutions beyond January 2nd and take some tips from an experienced resolver like me. Don’t set goals you know you’re not going to meet.
     Instead plan now to create a handful of resolutions, each of which will be a breeze to stick to. Resolutions like these:
Gain five pounds
     Instead of pointlessly resolving to lose weight, check your historical weight fluctuations and come up with a reasonable estimate of where you’re likely to be one year from now. Adding on five pounds should be eminently doable but, if you’re having doubts, just double it to ten.
Watch more TV
     You may wonder if you’re up to this challenge but, let’s face it, it’s not that hard. With today’s wealth of streaming services like Netflix, Hulu and Chromecast, you won’t just be watching TV, you’ll be binge-watching TV. Mission (and resolution) accomplished.
Become an oenophile
     Not to worry; this isn’t a call to become a book lover or a car enthusiast or anything like that. It’s just a fancy way of saying you’re going to drink more wine this coming year. That shouldn’t be too hard, right?
Tell more people to screw off
     Once you’ve made this resolution, you’ve got carte blanche to tell annoying folks to get lost. If they question your wisdom, just tell them you’re simply trying to satisfy one of your New Year’s resolutions.
Eat more ice cream
     You know you want to. The only thing holding you back has been your silly goal to lose weight. But remember; you’re actually looking to gain weight this year and what better way to do that than to keep your freezer full of ice cream.
Vote less
     With everyone badgering you to get out and cast your ballot, it’s time to take a personal stance and stop voting. After all, what has voting ever done for you? If you vote for the loser, you feel bad and if you vote for the winner, you feel responsible. It’s a no-win situation. If you feel you absolutely have to exercise your franchise, just spoil your ballot.
Exercise less
     Rather than drive yourself crazy trying to meet unrealistic goals, why not resolve to exercise less? For those serious about this resolution, keep a diary and record all the times you felt an urge to work out and were able to immediately squelch it.
Stop smelling roses
     Stopping to smell the roses is highly overrated. First of all, roses are expensive. Second, they tend to have thorns which can be painful. Finally, smelling roses usually involves bending over which means you can easily throw out your back. If you need to smell something, try a nice steak on the barbecue.
Continue not running for President
     Just because it has now been demonstrated that anyone can become President is no reason for you to abandon your goal of never doing so. Experience the joy and satisfaction of meeting your New Year’s expectation year after year with a minimum of effort.

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